I felt as cold as ice when i saw you with her.
I did not scream, i did not shout, i did not cry,
all i wanted was to die.
Without shyness you looked at me,
your eyes full of betrayal,
like a predator trying to catch its prey.
When i was running away from you,
you lied to me that you are regretting for losing me.
SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU AND GO BACK TO YOU?
that is a question without an answer to.
I gazed at you for you're so bright
I asked myself, "Why oh why?"
I couldn't remember the last time I smiled
I almost cry when I lost you in sight
You shouldn't go far cos you know I'll die
You're my one and only shooting star, my love.
So last night
I whispered all of your dreams unprompted
I saw your jaw drop but I tried to conspicuously not pay attention;
I just liberated you from from a bar of twenty men all drooling
I fend them off and kept two of you entertained with only one of me
and the dreams of my dreamy elusive brother coworker or friend
I paid a lot of attention to the needs and dreams of your cute companion
But if I'm honest
even though I was making sure she was safe
cause that's what i do
I was looking at you and dreaming
I was staring straight into your eyes
looking straight into your soul
I don't have much of almost anything
but I can look deep down and see true
most people really don't believe it
and i don't blame them, why would you?
But there was a moment there
In the garage while we were talking
when you were looking at me
like you loved me
more than anything
that had ever come or gone
and it was the briefest of moments
but i fucking swear i saw it
and it made me love you
with you dirty blond hair
and all of your compassionate let's just take care of my friend care
I mean, yes
Like i heard you
you have a boyfriend
you say it like it's means something
to someone like me
....who's only ever always confronted with adversity
I have a back burner
and all of your friends
and it's not like
im saying anything
a little bit
and surprisingly so
a lack of interest
in anything intelligent or courageous
it's like the human race took 5
and was all over it
can't ever really quite describe
what I'm looking for
what lights up the fire
what stokes the soul
behind my eyes
cause i'm a believer
and i believe most true
and i think im feeling something
maybe i love you
...I remember who talked to me all night about everything
about significant things great and small
tiny odd reccolecctions
everything her things my things your things all things fuck pretty much everything
That I answered or said without saying as things that are true
I might have lied
Because you started talking like my dreams...
I covered every base what the fuck do you want me to do?
You were so fucking cool
I think I met your friend
Only to meet you
or your boyfriend...
fuck i seriously hope that one ain't true but like I'm a buhhdist now and can't say
It's like you have never met a man who see's the future
A gingerbread man baked and burned in the oven for fun
Who got tortured for years into a smile that we all love
It's like we all take things so seriously instead of laughing and drinking
and hearing the endearing lunacy of our friends
fuck if we just took a minute to wait and pretend to understand all of that darkness we let lurk in
it would be like a circus show of light delivering all of us from the three ring thing of everything
that is bad
our own macabre circus of rejection, judgement, and humiliation for all of our kind. So when you are done with your boyfriend, fiance, husband, i know not yet; talk to me first before every voyage and adventure set in opposition just for the fuck of it.
but what you can't count on
is that i'm so much older and I've been around
I don't think you might know what it is like
to double down
over years and years
it's like you get a discount
on the odds
for multiples of five years
cause who really lasts that long?
but who knows
cause life is like a lotto taro hurricane
no sense to distribute the sad recompense
let's just fucking spend it before we pay
on all the debts we just made
and all of the futures that greyed out just fadet(ed)
that's the point of grey vistas
all the deals and the souls we just promised in casual relation to make it
We try to pretend
we're all samurai
noble sacrafice to budo
it's cool that i alone must die
but i think we all smell some bullshit
in the way and the feel of this philosophy
that tells us to fight it instead of accept it
so let's beware those wayward philosophies
that perhaps might be misguided
telling us that nothing matters
as opposed to those that tell us
to simply love
all of those that surround us
And I saw her put her name into facebook on my phone
but when it was all said and done and i unlocked it all
it was gone
If i hadn't been dealing with this for almost twenty years; i think i'd cry like a little girl.
Also, I hold RRR entirely responsible for encouraging unedited writing. Be careful what you wish for ;-)
You never know do you?
Don't you get that feeling?
Where you think you're walking
Working all day and all night
Everyday with no motivation at all
Unhappiness, Awkwardness and Stressfulness
But never moving forward
While the others are already at the end of the finish line
You're still at the start of the line
Still alive but I'm barely breathing
Next thing I know I'm falling to pieces
What am I going to do when I'm all
choked up and you're okay
When the best part of me was always you
I'm falling to pieces
Brokenhearted, Loneliness, Heartbreak
I'm gonna get a heart attack soon
And going to die slowly
I let all of this happen
I let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break myself
I've learnt the hard way
to never let it get that far
because of you
i find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
I am afraid
I lose my ways
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness
I'm forced to fake a smile everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break
I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
But, I'll move on, stay strong and move forward
I don't need those silly boys
I don't need a man
I can live by myself and
I don't need any friends
Forget about them
They're not worth my time at all
I can do it
I am strong
I should , I should just move on
Get on back with my life.
Immer wenn der Löwenzahn
sein Gelb ins Spiel bringt,
denke ich an diesen Frühling:
Der so überraschend anbrach –
sich uns aufdrängte mit seinen
Spielen und Düften und Geschmäckern,
bis uns der Sommer ganz verrückt
nach dem Schatten von Ahornbäumen machte.
Alles wollte der Atem betasten mit seinen Fingern.
Die Wegweiser bildeten schon ihren Umkreis,
da lagen wir noch Stirn an Stirn;
und ich will mich nicht erinnern,
in welchen Tag ich eine Kirschblüte
als Lesezeichen legte.
Wage ich es nachzublättern?
Jetzt bedecken Schneekristalle Beerensträucher;
und Gedanken fließen still ins Sonnenlicht.
Sometimes things seem to good to be true, but it doesn't mean they usually are...
I've gone from having everything to nothing, until 100% turned to 0. I've had an addiction so bad I sold everything until I had nothing , but a DVD starring Robert DeNiro.
I've burnt bridges with almost everyone I know
looking back my path of ash looks like grey and white snow.
Watched people cry, watched people die, If I told you I think they got what they deserved it would be a lie.
I've put needles in my arm trying to erase pain
All it did was kill my pride and usher in shame.
At one point in time when running from the law cause I had commited so much crime, I found myself at a Denny's buying coffee, with nowhere to go, sipping til' the sun came up cause I didn't have another dime.
Never left the cities, but I was off the map for years
my mother tried writing letters, I could barely make out the writing cause the ink was so smeared from her tears
If I was a turtle my shell would have a huge crack
If you met me today, you might say wisdom is something I don't lack
It's only causeI've been to hell and now I'm back
Today my feet are on the ground and things are great
It took being beat, sent to the human pound and almost prison up state
Ten years is the statue of limitations in CA, so for now I'm gonna count my blessin's , close my mouth and keep some confessions. You can look at hard times like bad luck or just take them as one of life's lessons.
Sometimes things seem so bad it makes you wanna quit, but you gotta keep trying and if you really want something, take another stab
reach out and grab it!
If you know the outcome and the consequence of a decision, then it's nobody's fault but yours if you suffer a penalty...
Bootlegged Calypso choristers
Multiplex into octets of Rasta gangbangers
Across Megatropolis' seven neon gates.
Rollerbladers slam righteous heads
With tyrannous decree.
In the foodcourt's hanging garden
Dangling with marbleized blutwurst
Polynices bones are exhumed
By Suburbia's sale scavengers
Against Antigone's Attic wails:
'When the habit of our freedom
Clashes against the dream
Then eternal moral law overrides
The temporal laws of malls and men.
Just pump up the volume and jump.
Permit me to die Sheherazade's death
Reflected in one thousand and one convex mirrors
Where objects are closer than they appear.'
Someone call security!
A teenage girl has jumped from the foodcourt balcony
Joined by her lover, Haemon-- and his mom, Eurydice!
Lament your stupidity, bemoan your misfortune later.
Remove the bodies quickly.
We must not upset the other shoppers.
I love how you can see your breath in the winter,
It's like some sort of poetic justice,
A beauty to make up for all the leaves that die in the fall,
Something to cope with the tragedy of it all,
It happens every year like clockwork,
And no one notices,
This is proof that magic is taken for granted
"YOU CAN TRUST ME".
words that mean so little now...
words that are just thrown in a sentence without knowing the true meaning of it all.
i believed you... i believed you in a heart beat
and in a second, it all meant nothing.. nothing at all...
i needed you....
no worries though im used to my life being treated like a joke..
yet i guess ive become numb to it now... i just thought that...maybe you ...wouldn't....but no...gosh
you think i haven't been called a bitch enough this week?
think i haven't been called a waste of space and told to just go kill myself enough?....
people handing me pills saying "there's a bathroom over there, go overdose and die...."
do you think i haven't heard that enough????
i just thought .....that maybe, you.......that maybe you would still be there for me...
i thought that maybe INSTEAD of leaving me in the darkness and slamming my emotions in the ground that maybe that was a place you just wouldn't go...
that through hard times you would say... hey look im gonna stand by you in this....forever. hand and hand we will get through this together..
but i guess my hopes were a little to high for it all...
i guess i gotta a little ahead of myself..... i needed you..
...i needed you then... i need you now..
where do i turn now?
i hate this.... i hate being treated as if my life is some super funny joke...
i needed you...
I was told I was being mean
For writing what I do not understand
I understand more than you think
Hmmm If I have offended you in anyway
I do apologies
I was beyond caring what anyone thought at one stage
How many times did I try to kill myself?
Rape is one thing a person wants to forget
Don’t care how
You just want to get rid of all the memories
Then putting myself in stupid situations where I opened myself up to more....rapes
Getting drunk...waking up in strange rooms...gang rapes...it goes on
Not knowing where I was or what happened
Then remembering everything
Forever being a victim
I got sick of it
I was doing it to myself simple because I wanted to forget
Drinking...drugs...it won’t help you forget it’s just there
You have to live with it
I’m a 50 year old mother with an 18 year old boy
Because of what happened to me
I was protective of my boy
Even his father was raped
So its possible males can get raped too
When I looked in to my boy’s eyes as he was growing up
They were innocent
As a victim you can see the signs
Thank God he didn’t have any signs of being raped
You don’t see that innocence in a victim’s eye
A lot of my poems are about rape
From the victims point of view
Yeah I am being mean
I suppose in way
But then if I am
It’s because many times in my life yes I have wanted to die
I have wanted to take my life
But I suppose I was too chicken too
I’d rather live and be alive
Even though I still remember every single detail of being
Raped...humiliated....degradation…kicked around and beaten
So if that’s not knowing anything, then I don’t know what is
Once again I would like to apologies to you if I have offended you in anyway
It was not my intention
But I stand by what I say
You get past all of that...pain.... anger.... hatred
Feeling like no one cares
Or ever will
But you can never forget the horror of what did happened to you
It lives with you forever...
It becomes a part of your life..
Still get flash’s
That’s the worst part of all this
Remembering what happened.
And one more thing
If I refer to anyone as a fool when in pain
Then I must be the biggest fool in the world
©Kaila George 2013