every time the bell rings for lunch
trying to escape the unavoidable eye contact with former friends
i find the farthest bathroom from the lunch room
lock the stall
and slide to the floor
i loosen my jeans in order to become more comfortable
because i know that i will be there for awhile
minutes pass in silence
as tears stream down my face
waiting, hoping that class will come soon
i slowly stand up
re button my jeans
wipe off the tears
take a deep breath
then smile in the mirror
as if practicing how to fake it
i go to class
pretending like nothing happened
and i repeat this
every god damn day
I have no idea what a kiss could feel like.
and even when i shut these invisible eyes
i can't even tug your arm.
a determined agony to lose oneself in a dream
force my lids to see you
hear a deep laugh?
you've got no idea that i am wailing for you
how do you know
crush on you.
Are you crushing for me?
a sudden call of living in hardship
i ain't got much to talk about you, Blue.
Night time is when I think of what I've done wrong
Everything that could've been done differently
But these thoughts linger too long
They extend into the day sometimes
When I think of you
And the love that could never be
What if I had never talked to you
Never walked with you that day
Would things still be this way?
I know people say they'd accept it
That it's not so taboo anymore
But they lie
I see it in their eyes, the disapproval
The false acceptance
Deep down, they frown upon it
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm this way
It's nothing I can change
I'm sorry, my love
The most beautiful girl I know
That I'm dragging you down with me
In this never ending hole
*sigh* It doesn't help that I'm in love with an asexual girl that might never see me this way at all......
So yah. Consider this my official "coming out" to you poetry people.
We like to think we are hard to understand
Intricate mazes with twisting chaotic paths
Leading to numerous outcomes
Mysteries woven within our stories
Constantly changing and always anew
We like to believe we are elaborate structures
Constructs of pure ingenuity
Winding corridors with infinite knowledge
With mysterious doors holding plethoras of secrets
Darkened halls to shroud our true motives
Stairways up and down, leading anywhere and everywhere
We like to fool the world
Building these zig-zagging stories
Losing the truth the farther we burrow
Forgetting who we are in the labyrinths of our minds
Forever lost in what we have become
We lied to ourselves
With broken confidence, striving to be who we want
Rather than who we are
Living in a world of other grande designs
Trying to keep up against time itself
We doubted ourselves
Unable to look at the mirrors which spoke the most truth
Turning away and hiding in the lies we fortified around us
The barricaded conscience, locked away and ignored
Emotion took hold and there you sat
We all sat and wondered
Where would "I" fit in this broken world
Of towering deceptive motives
Glimmering pedestals of deceit
Trick rooms and evil men
We all asked ourselves "Where will I go"
When people see the place I've hidden myself away
Calling us out, asking to venture, deep through our halls
We felt simple opposed to the world
Far greater stories, fascinating, colorful
And our structures crumbled
And there we sat
Alone, where the world could see what we ignored in that mirror
But we understood
That Truth can set you free
Despite the lies we make ourselves believe
For simplicity is truth itself
We'd been walking for an age,
Stone by passing stone
We passed ever onward,
Towards our end
Here will do, came the call,
It brimmed with confidence
But it came from, God knows who.
The shadows shift to greet the day,
The shovels drift through seas of waste.
We've struggled here, me and you.
Now fight the earth, and raise this tomb.
But who is speaking?
Where from do they call?
Why was I beckoned here?
Am I really here at all?
Its all so facile!
A predictable jaunt!
It was all called from day one,
Now there's just the motions to evoke.
The dirt brushed steel finds the reaches of the deep
You'd seek to sleep, had you earned your rest
Yet among cartoon images and plastic sets
I think you'll find, you were at your best
To the dark, to the dark,
You stride with brimming smile into the reach
As if to deprive, yet no one would ever seek
Why scrawl in a corner, what do you hope to yield?
Listen now boy, the dirt is all there is
Bow your head and conceal your task
We'll hit rock bottom and you'll sleep at last.
It's rare that I have moments of positive self-reflection, but I've recently realized just how much I've grown since this journey has begun. It's been a rough few years; I've felt agonizing pain of the heart & soul, but those moments have molded me into the person I am today, & I'm proud to say that I'm uniquely me -someone with a heart as grand & as deep as the sea. My life has been scarred, but my soul has been cleaned; forgiveness has been given & now I'm set free. I'll make a difference in this world, I know. "How?" By giving love unconditionally. Without love, this world ceases to be. My heart may be beaten & bruised, but it's still knock, knock, knocking in my chest & it's begging to be heard; my heart is not my own, though it resides within me. My heart is not my own, it is for all of you to see. This is who I was meant to be.
Lonely i am..
Lonely are the nights
Lonely are the days
Lonely am I, in so many ways
Lonely are the reasons
Lonely are the years
So lonely am I, that it brings tears.
Lonely is this place
Lonely is my life
Lonely am I, that"s this life maybe one day deep in my heart i will meet my love and make a fresh start
i'm not sure what i was thinking
when i said that you would be easy to write about.
the "you" part is much simpler to put meaning to
when it's not applied to someone directly.
so, theoretically, you fit under three personas:
1. the 10 Page Report on Shakespeare, Scary Movies Past 2 AM, and Wendy's Fast Food Persona
otherwise known as "things that make me happy but result in lots of stress"
2. the Cats, Blossoming Flowers, and Various Types of Plants Persona
otherwise known as "things that are very cute / pretty but turn my nose a very unflattering shade of red"
3. the Skype Calls That Make Me Restart My Computer and the You Send Me Scary Photos Before Bed Persona
lastly, but certainly not least, "things that make me rethink why i am friends with you in the first place"
i hope it warms your heart that i compared you to
shakespeare, fattening food, and allergies
when i could have created something really deep.
otherwise known as "wait, maybe this is deeper than i thought"
It's one of those days where you feel tired for absolutely no reason at all and you're so incredibly sad but you don't know why and the people around you annoy the crap out of you and you sulk through the hallways not allowing anybody to touch you or even try to talk to you and you feel pressured from everybody around you to try hard and to do your best and to never give up but you know deep down that you can't do it and you can never do it and all the sadness from painful the memories and the faces of the people who have hurt you in the past start to pour out of you like a waterfall and before you know it-
You're sitting alone in your car
And you're crying
And you feel so alone
And you feel like no matter what you do
The sadness won't go away
And it will never go away
Asked to choose what ornament I’d be,
to be hung upon the festive Christmas tree,
I pondered for a while before going to sleep,
and gave it thought, both serious and deep,
so much so, I’d scarce time for needed sleep,
despite my hours of counting endless sheep!
Which possible Christmas ornament
was best suited for my temperament,
and apropos for this especial event?
Would I be fitting as a tinkling bell,
or a twinkling star, known so well?
So what could I be, that fits me well,
when hung from a bough of emerald green,
where by all passing admirers, I’d be seen?
An essential of the yearly Christmas scene,
is the Angel, but this I could never be,
standing atop the festive Christmas tree!
Nor is the glittering garland suited for me.
So having thought deeply for so long,
humming my favourite Christmas song,
I decided atop a tree is not where I belong.
Then suddenly the answer did appear!
I thought of that, which is held dear,
being most appropriate and crystal clear,
the perfect choosing, for the festive tree.
Twas not an ornament, that all could see,
but the intangible Spirit, which exclusively,
is felt by all when Christmas Day draws near!
The embodiment of goodwill and cheer,
that affects all who celebrate! Amply clear
it’s one we should nurture every day,
as all who observe a very special day,
will understand. To all mankind I pray
this Spirit will persuade all thoughtful men,
to allow worldly peace to prevail once again!
So for the Spirit that is Christmas, I would see,
a very Merry Christmas to all Members of HP.
Rhymer. December 10th, 2013