The skeletons
I buried out back with a rusty shovel
claw each other
to climb out of the earth;
left there from days gone past
they fight to live again.

The dwarfed squat bones
of whims that died in conception
climb the bigger ones-
the ones that walked in the light
and those climb those bigger still,
and in the center...

an imposing mass,
lies the biggest of them all.
the only one
too big to move,
fed by shame and loved too long;
it was a giant at it’s death,
and has nothing he can climb.
His hand’s outstretched
to grasp for life
finds only the soft brown dirt
that keeps him in the ground.
All the other little fears
climb up him,
as their ladder to blue skies.

But I slew my monsters long ago
their souls no longer rise.
All that’s left is memories,
to haunt my weary eyes
as they climb upon
their ladder to blue skies.

While I sat across the table from your crooked smile and elegant eyes as you continued to sip at your coffee, I attempted to entertain you with another one of my strange stories. And with the conclusion fell an consuming silence, the kind of peaceful silence shared between lovers on Sunday afternoons, the silence that is found when your eyes lock and the only thing you can think of is their beauty and how lucky you are. I shifted awkwardly in my seat when I realize you were looking at me with those same eyes and we having those same thoughts. I played with my straw sifting the ice in my glass; breaking the silence with what seemed like the sound of crushing & crashing that occurs only in an avalanche.

It’s been 1856 days since we last spoke, 5 years and 29 days that I have spent without your presence,  It terrifying to think that have been gone that long.  The death certificates said that it was a suicide, and if you read between the lines that means that you not only gave up on life but also on me. May 21, 2008 haunts me daily.  You are the ever present ghost that speaks to me in my dreams and regardless of how it ended, your first love always lingers within the seams of your thoughts. You recall or recollect every kiss and long embrace and morn of all the time you allowed go to waste. The night that you passed away I caressed my own lips hoping to savor the taste of you. But in the end it is what it is and though you are gone we still live on.

I hear voices..Telling me to do wrong,
Take a life and make it last long,
A serial murders life is what I'm living,
Insane I never said I liked living,
Death on my breath every step I take may be your last,
Beware of a person who will kill your ass!!
I'm foul make you release your bowels,
Gun smoke is my favorite smell,
Yellow tape a body and a police report,
No remorse you will never see me in court,
Case closed, call it an unsolved mystery,
In my own way I'm leaving my mark on history,
There are just too many voices in my brain,
That's why I'm killing everyone cause I'm just insane,
11 o clock where are the children?
If I find them I'm sure to be killing them,
wrapping them up, marking their grave,
A finger or a news clip is all I save,
My beginning is your end,
my intent is to weed out humanity,
Surely why I do it is the reason of a insanity.....

In the course of human history
Two things have been discovered
That can never be conquered
Those being death, and time
All men must die
Time can never stop moving forward
This is known for sure
Accepted by all
So what is one to do?
When they know death is inevitable
Feel frozen in time
As if they are being left behind
Lost in a world
They do not belong in
Unstable, emotionally damaged
If they are always miserable
What options do they have?
The pain will not fade
Time will not stop
Death is all that is left
So they kill themselves
Friends and family are outraged
Hurt by the loss of someone
Saying he was selfish for leaving
Bitter and angry
They do not even bother trying
To put themselves in his shoes
But if they did
They would know
That suicide?
Was the only choice
He had to take

My last words should I die tomorrow how I wish.

I'm just tired of feeling so hurt and lonely. The pain is far too much to handle. Depression is something I've struggle with for many years now. My many reasons to live were my family, my friends, but most of all my love. Even with those amazing people in my life the depression always hid underneath. Coming out to Barre its ugly teeth when I was intoxicated or vulnerable. I hurt the women I love most in this world. I can't stand to live with that. I'm tired of the many tears. I'm tired of the heart ache. I'm tired of ruining the good things in my life. Please remember me for the goodness in me and not my evil deeds. Rest assured I'm at peace now. I was rarely at peace alive. I hope everyone's dreams of an afterlife were true. I'd love to see those pearly gates or if what I did sends me to hell so be it. Maybe we are apart of gelatinous cube, one of my favorite ideas. If it wasn't I wouldn't have married it. I will never be entirely sure why you left me Alyssa but I love you and I want you to move on with your life. I was a destructive character in yours and everyone else's life. As you know, you're far better off without me. I made some big changes trying to clean up my act but instead it all just came crashing down. I'm glad I died still married to you cause that is how I would choose to go. Having had a loving wife who cared for me deeply. I'm wrapped in your favorite blanket, my head resting on a pillow that still smells like you. In one of my favorite places. Its a frequent of ours when we were stupid kids and we'd sneak out together. Little did I know she was my future wife. I just knew that I adored you. I'm holding the book of poetry you wrote me. I'd like to be barried with it unless Alyssa wants it. She can have anything she wants. You always were a sucker for a poet and I hate that you fell for cheap words when I would of bled right infront of you. You'll find a man with far less flaws and he'll sweep you off your feet. He'll treat you well and wont taint the memories like I did. When you broke up with me the first time. I cried harder then I had ever cried over a girl. You've found another poet in your life. This time when he dies or breaks your heart I wont be there to take you back. You were always my dream girl. My sweet love. My love was my name for you because you embodied every wish I ever sent to the universe. I just had some issues that we couldn't fix. So just hate me and move on. I know this will only push you further into the arms of another man. You were already there when you left though. I also want everyone to know that I want Alyssa to have all my belongings. She knows me better then anyone and she can burn it if she wants. I want her to have my life insurance money also. Please buy yourself something nice. I'm in the same place, in the same car looking over the beautiful lake remembering my perfect moments. When I still made you happy. I remember getting you to fall for me. I will never forget that unique connection we shared. We had so much in common. Our playful nature. The books we loved. The music we adored. How I fell inlove with your brothers. How I had to convince you Jacob was the greatest guy in the world and pushing you to make amends with Gille. I always tried to push you to better yourself and situations. I was off mark sometimes but Gille's your best friend now. You've come to realize how Jacob is an endless friend, a companion til the end. You were blind to so many gifts you were givin from birth. If there was any gift I could have givin you. It was to make you realize what you have. So go find someone better then me, don't ever settle for less then perfect or I'll haunt your sex life. They built a statue of us and put it on a mountain top. I want you to know I was endlessly lusting over you. When you thought the passion died. It was because I forgot what to do. I just needed a little guidance.

Yesterday brought me Tomorrow;
Tomorrow lacking Nothing-
Nothing and everything...

hahaha I just realized off mark

My heart is heavy with grief
It’s been exactly five years today
Since my mother’s death
Every time I remember that day
It makes me want to cry
My father was devastated
When he saw his wife on the ground
My sisters crying as they gathered around
I could not, would not cry at her grave
It was bad enough she was gone from my life
It was bad enough I would no longer be a part of her life
It was bad enough that I disconnected from life
Only thing kept me going
Was being with my poet friends
So I would like to say thank you once again

©Kaila George 2013

your eyes crisp like
an arctic wind
of refreshing allure
you've captivated me

I want you the same way
  I want air for breath
or life for death

basking in the
penumbra of your
riveting touch

your touch tastes of sweet maple candies and smells of rain clouds

rippling blessings
from gusts of bliss

Encompassing love floods my psyche
lost in an empty dream

your beauty crashes towards the shore as restless waves from a roaring ocean roar
   beauty
     you're beauty; floating like the sun

The paint on the walls have started to melt
dragging all the the colors I painted, down.
Drooping like my body in this heat.
The weatherman informs me of no change anytime soon.
As the summer creeps up from behind
and kisses my winter body.
Leaving me in a shock of goosebumps.
This feels so un natural
in the heat you made me feel.

My heart jumped at the sound of your voice
and flew at the hope of your sight.
Now it falls like an anchor entering the sea
hitting harder than the sand ever felt.
Everything jumped down
hoping to catch it.

We danced to many serenades
in the colorful ballroom of day dreams.
The queen of the night, you are.

Now the old wallpaper screeches
with high pitched misguides.
I had no intention of them revealing themselves so soon.

Based on a thought
will be the death of me.

Take my hand and come with me.
My sun could light your storm
and your storm would cool my sun.

I still see you
caverns of my mind
still flood with ideas of you
and snippets of conversation
we never finished

It's our shoes walking together
on a sidewalk in some nameless city
It's a single sushi meal we shared
It's how your profile looked in my car
during sunset hour
when we were driving back on the 101
it's an
incoherent
transparent
snake of memories
that don't make sense to me
any more

It slithers and shits
rolls of my life's film
into my brain's projector
and they play incessantly
every night
before I sleep

How sad

I brush it off
and resume tossing side to side
I'll cry
but only a few tears ever come out
I'm a volcano that will never erupt
I'm
dried up
out of steam
No ones
scared or concerned about me
any longer

Let me sink underneath the Earth
Into the ocean's depths
Where I can be forgotten about for good

A volcano without any lava left, huh?
How stupid

Then I met a few others like you
A coffee shared
The memory of how your eyes looked when you came
even the sound of you
peeing the next morning rings in my ears
and it plays
like a broken record
a sad mix tape some lonely pervert made in their mother's basement
while they sit in their self-made
prisons
sulking over
the  blonde, blue-eyed girls who shunned them
with their bug eyes
popping out of their fleshy shells
piercing their dream maidens
and
"Jesus Christ you're disgusting, ew, ew like bed bugs all over my body, go to Hell you worthless creep"
and they dream and fantasize over the happiness that they perpetually plant
and try to grow
and it's never a flower
it's only weeds on the side of a garden shed
No one's even bothers to pull

How sad

It's there like clockwork
Like when my heart races in the shower
The hot water makes my body tired
I think
"this is when I'll give up"
My body becomes seduced into a hypnotic trance
I can't seem to fight the
Warm blanket of water
that covers me

It'll end on this note.
I'll die.
Face down and
butt naked
Legs
hanging outside of the bathtub wall
In that last moment of life,
I'll probably be thinking of
when we made love here
Or how you
missed the green light when we
were driving back from getting donuts
because you were too buys gazing at me instead of the road

We looked at all the stars and you knew what they all meant
You kissed me
and told me
what each of their purposes were
You told me
which star to look at if I ever
found myself lost
We soon crawl into your bed
and I try to find the star to help me get out of your covers
Toes crossed together
Faces pressed into one another's

My heart begins to race
Like clockwork
Fingers digging into each others backs
Hypnotic warmth
Oh God
I whisper
I'm lulled
I've become your bodies hostage
I try to resist
One of my eyeballs manages to peak outside of your window
The star to help me find my way out is gone

The plot of this moment fades away as quickly as it was written
Soon,
all I can remember is your back
in the dark
moving
up and down
Your
savage grunting
becomes the soundtrack of the snake's nightly dropping

I look for that star every night
The silver of silver light trickling down your spine
up and down
the bed creaks
My hear aches
Beads of sweat
Erupt from your skin
Under the moon's picturesque glimmer
When the snake finally leaves,
I look outside of my window
Searching

I never find that guiding star

How stupid

Like clockwork,

How sad