I never really let myself look back at it,
you know, since I transformed into this person,
since my heart relearned its beat,
and my eyes regained their sight,
and my mouth relearned a speech that could stand up for
the brain that's had to muster every ounce of confusion,
every spec of pain,
every seed of anger,
and release it until the look in my tearless and fearless eyes
gained light again.
I never wanted to lose you.
I just had to if I wanted to come back from the dead,
from the grave I made in my hollow bed,
formed with baby green sheets and a pillow for my headstone.
That was your choice.
I just walked away from a world that would never care.
Sometimes... I just really hate when you're the inspiration behind
the fingertips clicking on the keyboard,
when you're the reason why I let myself bleed into a poem,
when you're the motive in a desperate attempt for me to have something for myself.
And then I remember... that's how I escape the way I'd wrap
around your conniving little finger until it turned to blade.
I always find it interesting to see how fleeting my existence can be.
It's like a game, isn't it?
The drunken texts, the awkwardly un-awkward hugs, the hellos and goodbyes
that turn into absolutely nothing.
It's funny how I'm the one who can be normal.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do is accept that you aren't you,
that almost everything you do is a charade,
you parade about wanting pity and remorse,
you love the sadness as much as you hate it,
you hate the deception as much as you crave it,
and I simply cannot do that.
Maybe I haven't fully accepted it yet.
I wonder when I'll be visible again.
Great old siren
standing empty on the corner
with cracked pane milky cataracts,
dusty silk gown of cobwebs
flaking paint shadows on the dead lawn
breathing out of gaping eyes
the breath of years,
a widow with pendulous chandeliers
to tell the time whispers,
always singing with the changing weather,
expanding in the heat,
or frigid metal bones creaking
inside a wooden box.
theres a monster in my head
and a demon in my soul
they're tearing me apart
with every second they take their toll
sometimes i talk to them
but i don't like what they say
they tell me no one cares
i believe it everyday
they tear at my skin
and break my mirrors
they send tears down my cheeks
and make me skip dinners
at first we were fighting
i thought they only lied
but its okay now
were on the same side
the demons want me dead
but they promised not to tell
anyway of dying
is better than leaving in this hell
i thought the demons killed me
but really i killed myself
i let the demons in
that was worse than anything else
never let your demons in
don't let your monsters rule your head
for if you ever do
you will surely end up dead
all words have an expiration date
why do we hang ourselves out melting in front of the entire world
I long to be an honest flower but act on impulses that flowers cannot feel
sitting here looking at the electronic words blink in front of my eyes I wonder where love has wandered off to this time
in a stupor head hung forward warm guts telling life its not dead
wondering how far the warmth can take it before there's nothing left
good food bad food home cooked meals
what good is the good life without another that feels
bright room dark room beautiful sleep
something about sheep
these are bad times for expression an expression depression
as the others fly around looking for a quick fix I fly around looking for a quick fix
never more alone than these times in the dark winter nights
every affection taken as a nod to continued existence
every sensation rooted self every other sensation rooted self
losing touch with the keyboard
Going inside and out
Compression to stretching
Something like breathing
Who's playing this squeezebox?
Can I make a request?
Play something lively, loud, and fast
My heart's tied in knots
My brain's hanging on
By the skin of my teeth
For the length of one song
Dance like you're dying
And dance like you're dead
Life is little more
Than a song in your head
Break down the walls and let it all in
Dance as if this moment will never end
Move to the rhythm and jump towards your soul
Suspended stringless puppet under no one's control
Fall down to yourself right on top of the beat
Spinning in the center of where all the lines meet
Slow it down for the break and take a deep breath
Potential energy buildup for what's coming next
Those chills in the moment right before it all hits
Soul, body, and mind caught up in the mix
Hear it; explode
Supernovate the senses
The death of a star amid a galaxy of faces
To be born again
In a jet stream of limbs
I find enlightenment
At 150 bpm
Watching the candle burn
head filled with urns
dead friends and dead thoughts
let the wick destroy itself
till there's nothing left to tell
Crisped and turned to dust
my life is the wick
and if I must
I'll let it consume
to the very end
On an old windowsill of an old windowpane in an old house
There, drained, gone,
Defeated, and done
Lies a dead window-moth on a dirty window cloth.
Time and again,
With wings tattered and face shattered,
It lunged at the glass like nothing mattered.
Drawn by a dim light
that spilled through the windowpane,
into the darkness of the hollow room.
Like a waking terror of the night,
With one half there the other out of sight.
Hallucinating a pathway through reality
Seeking clarity in rays of insanity
Contained by glass and mortar.
painfully numb, still an urge to move forward
A consuming obsession,
Make it to the light.
The lambent orb in the skies
A brilliant ball full of lies
Ignorant to the impenetrable pass,
or the number of miles between the moon and glass.
No matter how much it desires,
No mater how much it tires,
Or its amount of will power,
The force unbreakable,
the goal unattainable,
The truth unbearable.
A godforsaken feeling,
of seeing, and believing ,
yet never achieving.
say my name, say my name!
you’re goddamned right I am
I am the chemo coursing
through your blood
pumping you full of hope
deluding you with life’s beguiling bargain
that pain and suffering will allow you to live
forever, if you ask nicely, and
the background music is right
I am the one who walks
away from the inferno
while other souls sizzle
their biographies written in flames
flicked to life by my match
I am the nobody in the room
when you die alone, without the drip of morphine
your terrified eyes searching the stillness
for a childhood vision,
hoping it will be a summer song
rather than winter’s dead bone
I am all you dreaded
all you dreamed, you
have always known me
and followed my tracks
refusing to see me
though I was only
That look on your face while you overhear conversation, normally you're not to far off with your assumptions of people. But every time you look at me, I know you're dead wrong. Its so obvious, multiple times a day I witness your eyes go wide when I catch you completely off guard. Maybe theres just certain types of people you don't believe in, that you don't know to exist. Sure its amusing to surprise people from time to time, but to constantly feel underestimated? You've got me further than arms length, and thats just fine. But you need to trust someone.
Ive seen eyes like that, full of so much that it looks like you could break at any moment. Countless hours of repressed emotion ready to be released. Just so you can start over collecting it all, bottling it up.
Don't think I haven't noticed the way your ears perk up, and the slight curve of your lips while listening to the chatter around you. To anyone not really watching, you're right there with the crowd, taking part. But with more than a glance I can clearly see the distance between you and them. So unattached. Do you ever really feel welcome?
You shy away from so much. I often wonder if the reason you wont accept anything is out of fear that it will disappear with the day. For someone with so much to offer, to give as little as possible. Most tend to radiate energy, but Ive seen few stay so contained like you do.
So much of yourself is hidden, locked away. I just hope that its not a habit caused by shame. Deny everything all you want, but I'm sticking around until I no longer see that look in your eyes. If I cant get you to trust me, then at least I'll be around so you can at least depend on me if you need to.
It got stolen
I got thrown in jail