I did it. I prayed last night for a calming of my heart and I was touched by the image of a swan washing clean my racing thoughts and I was able to finally sleep for at least a little. Two hours is better then none. It really worked. My mind raced a million miles per hour plagued by thoughts of Alyssa and suicide. I shaked from all the emotions and pain. I was so worried that I would have nightmares about her like I have. My prayer was answered. I dreamt of people feeling the same as I do starving by choice or not, shivering from cold they can't escape, their loss and hopelessness just as deep as mine and sometimes worse. We were all calmed by this beautiful image. Some blinked in and out of existence as if they were offered love just before death. We all love each other and understood each others pain. Sharing grief not by words but by spirit. My heart bleeds for them and I am not alone.

Dear Lord,

I don't feel like I can go on. I'm in so much pain that I am scared of what I might do. I don't want to be locked up in a mental hospital again. I'm desperate. I haven't believed in a long time but please stop my suffering. Every second is a struggle and its getting hard just to function. Please bless my soul that it calms and my heart so that it releases. Give me strength to face this adversity so I don't make a mistake I can't take back. My family, my friends love me and I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to go on please help me look to the future and find happiness in the present. It was really bad this last week. I was too close and I'm affraid I wont always be able to talk myself off the edge. I need you now. Help me sleep, help me eat, help me work so I don't lose my life. This was the first night of many prayers. I'm giving myself to you because I can't trust myself. My family believes in you and I'm now taking their advice so that I can make it day to day. I don't want to think and feel this way.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

She wounded me
Deeper and more times
Then anyone I've ever known
Yet here I lay
Remembering
Being hand in hand
As we cruised along
Singing our hearts out
And laughing
With smiles on our faces
I weep for that girl
Yet she was a mirage
A trick on my eyes
As I drove down
A road
On a scorching
Summer day
The closer
I traveled towards
Her
The more I realized
She wasn't an oasis
Of love and trust
But just heat
Stagnated
And slowly
Dissipating
From my life
Weither she was real
Or an illusion
I don't know
But I'll always miss her
With everything I am

Outside the wind strikes up an angry storm
The door falls to it's knees
Faltering
to it's ferocity
"I almost died you know...the pills were all I had ya know"

The bottom sways and the ceiling drips with the flood of a thousand sentences each picked from a
different bag
"The baby, she fine, but, she deserve better"

God bless her heart
Eyes meet
Sharply
Recklessly,
the way Destiny always takes
that one corner
too fast too soon
when we're driving pas the Orange Groves
orange blur
Dammit
before I even had a chance to smell
their elixir
Tongue sways out sloppily
It's okay...it's okay

I go outside to reach
to perhaps
feel
something a little more dangerous
then the doldrums of the same wall
same
tree
same
trash that piles beneath my boots
I'm met
with
growls

Hand shakes loaded with dice
maybe blood
or maybe some fur
Hot
sweat dice
rolling between my fingers
I never smelled those blossoms
Not once
The wind beats at me with it's
own finicky retort
"I was dyin in the hospital, ya know
mah leg was ripped up,
and those pills,
were It man
they were It
man"

The dice slide out of my slippery palms
I'm rewarded with snake eyes and whimpers
the Wind finally dies underneath the fields of your hair
Smoke hits the wall
and curls in and out of your pink daggers

"My baby, she ain't dead, I thank god every day for that
Bless Her tiny heart"

Pink daggers with one triangular eye
resting atop your
bleeding stomach
A perfect red river makes it's way
down your
long fleshy arms
covering the dice that sit loyally
aside your shadow
the dice that
Permanently  remains on
the
Snake Eyes
that never blink

"I thank god every day"

Found this on the Internet. Something I thought you might say.

"You aren’t my friend. Despite what you may have thought, the world does not revolve around you. Your actions are so fucked up I don’t even feel a loss anymore. Frankly, I don’t know why I ever did. Fuck you very much."

You will never understand how much I hurt and hurt myself. You gave that connection up when you walked away. I remember making you laugh just days after you left. That easy air we shared. It doesn't just go away. Maybe you were unhappy but that wasn't because of me. You made a choice way before you decided to leave. I was never the angry type and yes I made mistakes. I've never been through a divorce before. I'm bound to make mistakes. I've ignored some good advice and my parents just want me to move on. I want to grieve. Just let me grieve!!! I miss her, and I don't care if she knows. I don't care if she gets some sort of satisfaction knowing that I'm falling apart because she left. She knows I loved her, that I would have done anything for her. That I would do anything now. I told her often, I tried to show in my own way. I just happen to try to buy the ones I love. It doesn't matter now she's gone. This wasn't some story of two people growing apart. Despite how she might view it. This was her needing more then I could give her. I just have to love her enough to let her move on. When every ounce of your body loves someone and they're just willing to move on it feels like an attack and anger is every mans first response. When someone else wasn't writing your words you were very kind. I miss that kindness. I wasn't ready to hear that your already thinking about other guys and I'm sorry I attacked. I knew exactly what words would hurt the most just like you did too. I won't let you pass the torch to your parents though. I can just as easily ignore them like you ignore me.


she won in the end. I only talk to her dad now. I do this because one day I hope again to be friends.

The moment that sad songs turn to love poems. I'm tired of feeling down. I know you have to be confident to pick yourself up and move on. I'm not ready but sometimes you have to pretend. I'm told I hide things well. I guess it's the same idea that if can play the part you're doing the job. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. When you lose your love, you don't have to lose your best friend. Since I can't get her back that's the future for myself I want to write. I know she's not going to want to hang out every day but I wouldn't mind. I carry on.

Another day down! I started sleeping downstairs again. Much nicer in the cool damp basement. Alyssa and I are going clean out and scrub the place hopefully at the end of the week. It'll feel like a fresh start. I wont be constantly surrounded by our things that feel like a slap in the face. I can't stop myself from contacting her. I keep doing it. She's strictly business. She hasn't messaged me once asking how I'm doing. She's really moved on. I just lost my best friend and it hurts not being able to share my inner thoughts, hopes, and dreams with someone. I'm trying to tread the friendship ground but she says she needs space and I can't blame her. She's a tough one to let go. Right now I can't handle never seeing her smile again. I live for her smile. I need to let that go but it feels like I'm letting my own happiness go. Maybe that was part of what was wrong the whole time. I let her mood dictate mine, but you really should see that smile. It would make anybody's day.

After looking back on the last few years with depth and hind sight. I've realized that I never really took a look at myself and what I was doing to the people around me. The selfish glut is over and the stark reality of the bed I've made is terrifying. I'm slashed deep and wide and my emotions are flowing out and my most guarded feelings are being shared with complete strangers. I've begin to cry infront of far too many people. I met a man today who's wife just left him also and in one look we shared the shame of what we've done to those we adored the most. We fought back tears in control of our composer tripping slightly at the raw we couldn't hide. The insight I refused to use could of saved me the love of my life. Instead I hid in our time of need the emotions I felt because I lost a child and couldn't deal with the consequences that my actions brought me. I realize now that I hid my real self from that moment on. The fears and sarrow that I had felt before were paled by light pulled to the depths of this black hole in my heart. I tore myself apart and threw the vulnerable parts to the bottom of my soul. Inadvertently cutting off myself emotionally from everyone around me. I weep at the relationships I missed out on. I just swallowed my aderals and drowned myself in work. Telling myself that success at my job is what my wife needed. More pay, more things, more happiness. The whole time I was snubbing those around me in brash strokes. I look back on a version of myself as a scout tilling and planting a yard for an old lady and compare that to a man who wouldn't open the door for his wife. What did I think I was doing? On the way home each day after long nights at work, I'd drown my stress in a couple cigarettes, deep breaths of sweet death, just to get home and hide my life in a bowl of pot. Letting the white clouds engulf me in the sparkling mess I didn't want to face. Stripping myself from the crutches was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember following a co-worker all the way to his car for a cigarette, after I vowed to never buy another. After that my resolve was strengthened and I stopped getting high. Little did I know the darkness just layers beneath the skin that clawed itself to Alcohol. In gulps I drowned out my sanity and made way for demons within. I write as if this was the first time, and I wish so badly this was the last. The demon downed a bottled of aderal, trying to finally wipe this disgust from the face of the earth. At the same moment failing completely and letting another demon in. The birth of "Paranoid K.C." My drunken rampage was the beginning of the end. I accused her of cheating losely based on texts I can't remember, forever ending the trust we shared, and losing the security that I would be there for her by trying to kill myself. Those were the moments my acts smeared the hallow ground that was our first home. The place my wife so beautifully asked me to marry her. The hearts still hang in my room. The socks I wore wrapped in the elastic that she wore in her hair still lays hidden. Secret relics to the religion of our past. Three days straight I was awake after swallowing that bottle. The first I lied awake jumping at every sound within our house thinking that someone was breaking in. The second was bad, the cars that drove by were people attacking. The whole world a nightmare. I had a class at work that day, regrettably I attended. I knew full well my eyes were dialated like two endless holes gaping into my black soul. In one long gaze with eyes dramatically pronounced the teacher acknowledged he noticed without alerting the rest of the class. Or was that just, "Paranoid K.C."? I felt such shame. The third night, we drove all night while the imaginary people followed ready to attack us. From that moment on, they stopped giving me the aderal. Thats when I realized the addiction it had become. Picking up the pieces of our life we made best of the waste I had left. We moved again not able to stand the terrible memories I, K.C., had created. We moved and bought a third of my parents house desperate for a third chance. This was our new hope. Our fresh start and it was looking good. We'd well mended from our wounds and the foundations of trust were in the horizon. In flippant disregard to who and what I am, we celebrated our new found haven. The Alcohol poured forth and we partied at our new found luck unaware of what was comming. Two nights in a row I let the demons back again in three bottles of bitter bases. I remember nothing, so Alyssa filled me in. Not only that I hurt Alyssa but was verbally abusive. Yelling and telling her that I never trusted her. Making fresh wounds of old scars. Finalizing her grabbing enough confidence to let me go. She left because I was selfish, and I have to live with that everyday. She says its her fault to, but that's something I can't believe from a faithful wife who stuck with me through all that. I feel like I have brain washed her without either of us knowing. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE!!!!