When I told you that I love you like a fat kid loves cake,
what I really meant to say was that for the first time in my life, I'm nervous.
I have a kindergarten crush so big I feel like cupid flew an airplane into my heart the moment I met you,
and that this kind of love is the kind that can grow to be so much more
When I told you that I would love you until forever,
what I really meant was that I would always be there.
That God himself couldn't pry you from my loving arms,
and that I would follow you through hell and high water
When I told you I wanted to die in your lap and be resurrected in your smile,
what I really meant was that I want to watch the sunrise in your eyes.
I want to be caught up in ecstasy every time I lay my head next to yours,
and then experience the sunset in every quivering last breath.
And when I told you that I would see you soon,
what I really meant was that I was too scared to say good bye.
That every wish from this day forward would be used in hopes to see you again,
and that no mater where you go, you will always have a piece of my heart.
I never thought I'd have to see her like this so soon. So young. So cold.
I should have listened to her. I should have talked to her more. Seen her more. She always asked me why I seemed so distant from her, I always got frustrated and denied it.
Now she's the distant one.
We would argue often. About communication. Our feelings. Her feelings. She had a very hard life. A violent alcoholic father. She grew up untainted by her surroundings, but scarred. Chronic Anxiety and Depression. She would cry often, and get mad and angry for sometimes no reason. She said she didn't know why it happened; it just did, and that I couldn't understand. That made me angry. Even though she was right; I really couldn't.
I haven't had an easy life in the past few years, but it doesn't compare to hers. I didn't know what is was like to be as depressed as she was. To be as anxious as she was. She would always check up on me, because she always worried about me. I myself, just took it and never did it for her.
What a mistake.
I remember my 17th birthday. She was more excited than I was, and couldn't wait for me to finally see what she had done for me. She was adorable when she talked about it. I spent the day with her and she made me a homemade card themed my favorite video game, and a Key Lime pie from scratch. I love Key Lime pie.
How I wish we could make it together, one last time.
A couple days after my birthday, a package she ordered came and she was ecstatic for me to finally have it. They were custom made genuine dog tags. They had my information on one tag, and a personalized message from her on the other. Her message read, "KNOWING YOU HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND LOVING YOU HAS MADE MY WORLD." I wear them everywhere, even to today.
But when her birthday came around, I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. She was really upset, and I felt guilty when she mentioned it, so I never did get her anything; I felt it was too late.
Whenever she was happy, she shined brighter than the sun. She smiled and laughed and was goofy. She would make up little songs about how much she loved me, and she would do anything for me. Now, I can only imagine how she felt when I left for the night, not doing anything for her.
I knew she had had problems even before she met me. I knew she was chronically sad. I knew she had always been a rock, but had slowly started to erode and needed someone.
Why was I so selfish!?
I notice her mother is crying. Hysterically. They were so close. Her mom was so nice, always inviting me over and cooking for me even when they didn't have much food. Now, she looks like an empty husk of what she used to be. Crumpled on the floor, covered in her own tears, mourning the loss of her world.
Her younger brother sits with their dad, hugging and crying on each other, as well as the rest of her family. You can almost smell the saltiness in the air from all of the tears.
I've cried as much as I can. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn't want to believe she was gone. But eventually I screamed, bawled and raged at my loss. She was the only thing that mattered to me.
Now I stand here, silent and empty. My mind is numb, and all I can do is stare at her. Eyes closed, chest still, but still so beautiful. I had to battle with myself to even come and deal with seeing her like this. I finally move my stiff hand towards her curly hair and stroke it, and slowly move my hand to her shoulder. I imagine her opening her eyes and smiling at me with one of her beaming smiles. But I know it won't happen, and that's when the tears come.
I'll never see her smile, feel her lips against mine, hug her small body again. I can never hear her sweet voice again, telling me "I love you." With a glow in her eyes.
Why didn't I show her how much she meant to me? Why couldn't I swallow my pride and be a little more caring and thoughtful for her the way she never failed to be for me? Why? I'm sobbing now. I collapse to my knees and rest my hand over hers. She's freezing. I rub her hands instinctively as if it will warm them up, but it doesn't.
I just want her to wake up. I feel as if it's my fault she's in eternal silence now. Apart of the world beyond, when I want her so desperately to be back here with me. I don't want her to leave me. I feel as if I can't live without her, she was the only one I'd ever truly loved, but in the end I failed her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I should have shown her more instead of using only my words!
I slowly stand up still covered in my tears, and stare at her sleeping body. I watch as one drips down onto her expressionless face. I use my thumb to gently wipe my tear away, just as I used to wipe hers. Now all I can do is think about what could have been, what I could have done, and what will never be.
"I'll miss you." I whispering through my sore choked throat, and kiss her cold forehead.
"I love you."
The day I learned what it meant to feel nervous,
you spoke my name for the first time.
It was funny, because your voice sounded like the next forty years of my life.
I somehow mustered up the courage that day to talk to you, and learned that your name was Jacque,
my darling Jacque.
While it was the most beautiful name I had ever heard, it somehow sounded incomplete,
like it needed my last name stapled behind it.
It doesn't take much more than knowing each other's names for something beautiful to grow.
I soon learned that your hair smelled like eternity, your skin felt like ecstasy,
and your kiss tasted like everything that forces a smile on my face.
From the first day I learned what it meant to feel nervous,
In love with you.
they told her she wasn't pretty
she knew they were right
the desire to be skinny
took over her at night
she wanted more than anything
to be just like the rest
and started skipping meals
filled with her own distress
she was lead to another predicament
which some call self-harm
found a few old razor blades
and painted her forearm
didn't know where to go
was endured for quite awhile
until the day finally came
she wiped off her plastered smile
they found her in the bathtub
the room tinted with red
the desire to be skinny
skinny girls end up dead
As the days come and go, the memories stay the same. All at once they rush to my head, as if the pain had made it's nest in my mind.
Thoughts of it all comes to crush me, as if the world it self had given up on me.
Fear of failing, or of not amounting to the others requirements, forces me to do right by wronging others.
Dark thoughts to which I am a slave to the path chosen for me, not by me, but by my actions.
Wanting to make it all go away, but it's same as wishing for richness to all in the world.
They say "the world runs on money," which causes the most unminded of us to jump to the others neck, just obtain a piece of happiness. Some will go as far as to take another's life, just to reach what most of us consider as the ways of life.
My own thoughts have pushed me to do the most unworthy things to the ones who love me. The feelings which force me to be unfaithful to my soul. Leaving but an empty shell to roam the lands.
Ashamed to be in my own body. The thoughts of starting from scratch, and help others thinking as if, but it does not matter what face one puts on. The pain will forever remain within you, until your leaving day.
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
I am constantly worried
About what tomorrow will be like
I'm scared of what will be
Or what won't be
What if I see you again
What if you come back
Or what if you dont
Or what if maybe
I never see you again
The phrase, "What if..." races through my mind every single day
And I never know what's going to happen
And it scares the ever living hell out of me
I thought I had found my happy
But my happy was growing a hole
And every day the hole gets bigger
How much longer till my happy is just shreds?
I don't want to know
I don't want to
It struck a chord in me to say the least.
Your voice filled with the hurt and pain
that I experience most nights alone in my bed.
Your eyes allowing me to peak into your window
and see underneath the layers of self-confidence
where I’d find the same marks of doubt.
I should have known we were one in the same
the day you told me I was pretty
because you saw the sadness in my arms.
But instead, I dug deeper into myself
searching for love that would never arrive
and in people who wouldn’t think twice
of sailing me out to sea.
I needed someone like you who understood
how my scalding showers shed the skin
I could no longer bear to be in
and how no matter how loud I sang
the suicidal thoughts wouldn’t go away.
I never realized I needed you,
but goddamn did you need me.
You viewed me as your sunshine
when I only saw myself as shade.
I’m sorry that my words are coming to you so late.
How could I have been so blind
when you could see right through me?
“How would you feel if I killed myself?”
do you ever think that butterflies
floating from flower to flower
wonder “what’s my purpose?”
Because I never thought something so beautiful
could question its existence.
It was a 12:03 on a Monday morning
I was in Geometry class when I got the call
I normally have my phone turned off but not today
My phone rang the chorus to Merchant Ship's "Sleep Patterns"
Mr. Geroue asked for my phone
I quickly answered it, immediately my heart sank
My eyes dropped and faintly whispered in a desperate voice
"Excuse me...but it's important"
I went from feeling sixteen to feeling eighty-three
My bones ached, I was dizzy
I lost most of myself
I slouched out of my seat, dragged my feet to the door
And coldly pushed it open
The door creaked as it shut behind me
My eyes began to well with tears
I became angry, at what I don't know
Probably myself just thinking what I could have done
Though she hung up long ago my phone was still on
I threw it at a locker
Smashing it into a thousand tiny brittle pieces
I punched a locker, breaking two knuckles in the process
At this point I was crying,
Feeling the deepest a sense of defeat and confusion
I sat down and continued to cry
My teacher came out and asked me what was wrong
I told him to just give me a minute
I composed myself as best as I could
And left school
It was only 4th hour
It would be an hour walk to home
It was the last day of school
A great ending to the year
My sister had called me
She said that she'd overdosed on pills
That at this point anything else would be metabolized into cyanide
I noticed as she talked there was a longer and longer pause
A deeper and deeper, shallower and shallower breath between each word
Each syllable becoming more and more difficult then the last
There's no point in calling an ambulance
She and I both knew she'd be dead the second she hung up
So she did