He sat in his room every night
Waiting for his parents to stop
Yelling
Crying
Fighting

He waited
Until the day his father left
Before coming downstairs
And everything was gone
Except for his mother
Sitting on the kitchen tiles
Makeup running
Red marks on her arms
On her face
On her legs

He ran
As far as he could
He thought
About everything he had
Everything he had lost

He stepped up to the ledge
He looked down
He smiled
Finally happy
He would be free
He took a step forward
Nothing left

I sit in the sun room, I am shaded for the sun
is only newly risen, low slung, just above the horizon,
behind me, over my shoulder, early morn warm

Slivers of sun rays yellow highlight the wild green lawn,
freshly nourished by torrential rains of the prior eve

The wind gusts are residuals, memoirs of the hurricane
that came for a peripheral visit, your unwanted cousin Earl,
in town for the day, too bad your schedule
is fully booked, but he keeps raining on you,
staying on the phone for so long, that the goodbye,
go away, hang up relief is palpable

The oak trees are top heavy with leaves frothy like a new cappuccino,
the leaves resist the sun silvers, guard the grasses
from browning out, by knocking the rookie rays to and fro,
just for now, just for a few minutes more,
it is advantage trees, for they stand taller in the sky
than the youthful teenage yellow ball

I sit in the sun room buffered from nature's battles external,
by white lace curtains which are the hallmark
of all that is fine in Western Civilization,

and my thoughts drift to suicide.

I have sat in the sun room of my mind, unprotected.
with front row seats, first hand witness to a battle unceasing

Such that my investigations, my travails along the boundary line
between internal madness and infernal relief from mental pain
so crippling, is such that you recall begging for cancer or Aids

Such that my investigations, my travails along the sanity boundary
are substantive, modestly put, not inconsiderable

Point your finger at me, demanding like every
needy neurotic moderne, reassurance total,
proof negative in this instance, of relevant expertise!

Tell us you bona fides, what is your knowing in these matters?

Show us the wrist scars, evidential,
prove to us your "hands on" experiential!

True, true, I am without demonstrable proofs
of the first hand, my resume is absent of
razors and pills, poisons and daredevil spills,
guns, knives, utensils purposed for taking lives

Here are my truths, here are my sums;

If the numerator is the minutes spent resisting the promised relief
of the East River currents from the crushing loneliness that
consumed my every waking second of every night of my years of despair
                           divided by
a denominator that is my unitary, solitary name,
then my fraction, my remainder, is greater than one,
the one step away from supposed salvation...

Yet, here I am sitting in the sun room buffered from
nature's battles by white lace curtains which are the hallmark
of all that is fine in Western Civilization

I am a survivor of mine own World War III,
carnaged battlefields, where white lace curtains,
were not buffers but dividers tween mis en scenes,
variegated veins of colored nightmares, reenactments of
death heroics worthy of Shakespeare

Did I lack for courage?
Was my fear/despair ratio insufficient?

These are questions for which the answers matter only to me,
tho the questions are fair ones, my unsolicited voyeur,
they are not the ones for which I herein write,
for they no longer have relevance, meaning or validity,
for yours truly

I write poetry by command, by request, good or bad,
this one is a bequest to myself, and also a sidecar for an old friend,
who asked in passing to write what I know of suicide,
unaware that the damage of hurricanes is not always
visible to the naked heart

These hands, that type these words are the resume of a life
resumed,
life line remains scarred, but after an inter-mission, after an inter-diction, an inter-re-invention
in a play where I was an actor who could not speak
but knew every line, I am now the approving audience too...

But I speak now and I say this:
There are natural toxins in us all,
if you wish to understand the whys, the reasons,
of the nearness of taking/giving away what belongs to you,
do your own sums, admit your own truths
query not the lives of others, approach the mirror...

If you want to understand suicide,
no need to phone a friend, ask the expert,
ask yourself, parse the curtains of the
sun room and admit, that you do understand,
that you once swung one leg over the roof,
gauged the currents speed and direction,
went deep sea fishing without rod or reel
and you recall it all too well, for you did the math
and here I am, tho the tug ne'er fully disappears,
here I am, here I am writing to you,
as I sit in the sun room.

Memorial Day, 2011

I've spent years in a hole
That got deeper each day
Then somehow I found a rope
Now i'm slowly falling
Back into my dark hole
And it's deeper than ever before

"Born in a brothel, raised in a tavern, rode in a coffin, died in the streets" - Warkos Diméaus (Nhlanhla Moment)

Tellaby Tellaby neater than me
Tellaby telling me her guy I cannot be
She is a girl that all desire
She kindles the day like fire

Tellaby Tellaby she be a queen
Telling me I am not fit and ill-willed
I sought to hold her like the air circles in the wind
I need her like wool and sheep are twins

Tellaby, Tellaby I wish guys could see
This unsurmountable beauty that she shows me
Tellaby tells me I can only wish,
To have her as mine is like sands that have fish.
Not a thing but a telling wish
Tellaby, she has a heart so rich.

Maybe it wasn't you, but it sure wasn't me.
Not then, not with you, not when my blood still ran red.
But when sap and dirt dripped out my ears and my brain drowned in skeletons and sickness
and I looked to you like a puppy drowing in the deep-end and you held your hands near your shoulders like the West was pulling them to her, like she was taking you away from me.
I splashed my way out, and I dressed up my bones, wrapped and bandaged them for some other day when they felt stronger.
I learned you couldn't save me, that it wasn't your job.
That tasks like living weren't right to pawn off to others.
That duties like breathing belonged to the dying.

Its a shame
things ended this way
Not that I ever
thought you would stay
I dont like conflict
But its all for the best
I guess anything worthwhile
Is bound to hurt
Once its gone
As soon as you were
Out of site
It started to pour
It was symbolic
Of how I felt
Watching you walk away
Holding back from
Wanting to tell you
For the last time
How beautiful
you looked today

Dam I need a blunt,
can't put up with this cunt,
I'm fealin a new person
My heart just feals like cursin...

I've bin hear,
in this new home,
sober a new rome,
If i had my shear bong
you'd sure  would hear a cheer song.
I'd feal you out so happy,
have my words churned out to sappy?.
I'm way out,
    I'm not burned,
I get it I sure learned
far out mars rover,
spot me out like your'e lucky clover,
out in a big croud
I'm rare like a drout  cloud,
like I said,
I miss my bed,
eatin all day,
    freakin all may,
Give it a doobie a precious fuckin ruby
Not lit Not fit
can-I-Just-quit?.

How bout a bubble and a bowl,?
no trouble nore parol,
you know i'm slick won't get in no shit,
just help a nigga out and blow me a hit.
  I love my jane we plan to mary
when she's gone my world gets scary..
So be it if i'm sketchy,
I'm posted monalisa ,
see me on the wall,
touch me and I'll fall,
  trust I see it all,
you walk right out the door and leave me on this floor,
I've seen it as it's low thats why I tend to flow,
Best of what I know is what minds like to show..
don't come back that lock is latched,
   holdin steady bit attatched,
I need a hook to hold me steady.
some one strong that will be ready,

And I see you, smiling,
Having fun
While I sit here and wait
For a day to come
But you, you will never think
Of me while I endlessly
miss you, as much as my eyes can
blink
And the tears start of fall
Because you are as important to me
As much as it feels wrong
To like someone who doesn't even
Care at all.