When I see your face my love
the scares on my heart do heal
and a smile of adoration and joy
spreads like a fire across my all
You have given such mercy to me
gave me love when I had lost my all
and through your kindness and conviction
you have change me and turned my life around
Without such a wonder, I would be lost
my love for you grows stronger every day
you have gifted me with your touch
when I see your face, I know why I love you
By Christos Andreas Kourtis aka NeonSolaris
© 2013 NeonSolaris (All rights reserved)
When you stabbed me in the back,
You didn't stick around to watch me bleed.
Compassion is something you sorely lack,
On malice you feed.
Living to inflict pain is all you know,
Laughing at others tears.
Until the hatred grows,
Yet I'm so glad your no longer here.
I took away from you lessons learned,
For scars run deep.
I might have gotten burn,
Yet I'm no longer meek.
Now I rise from the ashes you put me in,
I laugh and look at the sky.
For a new day is about to begin,
So sorry to disappoint you I didn't die,
Remember summer in blue,
Dressed to the leg in wonder too,
Wearing Love as a charm
In worn-out body from Hollywood
Smeared blood on eyelid, broken morning
Room-service waits for door to unlock
Get up from bed and answer the door
They’re waiting and will wait no more
Hurry hurry hurry to the door
Jump over the heartaches on the floor
Juggle the pins and needles with ease
Open the door and see the hall empty
They waited and could simply wait no more
They’ll be back, surely one knows
They need their money, like Amerikan vampires
Empire minds, building nonsense and putrid wasted art
Selling ideals to the college-bound toddlers
Delivering the news of Santa being Satan in a mask
And handing over the papers for a non-physical death
Certified by the highest suits in the highest cubicles,
Signed by God himself, and nailed to the cross
Worshiped by the lonely and shunned by the worried
The plastic coins in the fountain one day will explode
I know this from sheer experience only
Trust my word for I never ever lie
Only to myself, and even then that’s still the truth.
Hold on, Momma,
Here I come.
Live near Miami
You wish to name me
After the city,
Instead you choose Amy.
I have a brother
Daddy must remind
"Anthony, love her.
And try to be kind."
We played every day
With toys and thoughts
And things we shouldn't say.
It made childhood rock.
Of middle school
No friends near
No boyfriend too.
I made new friends.
And soon after,
My first boyfriend.
All through high school,
I loved that boy.
But loving joy.
He's a Marine.
That same year,
Also that year,
Good and bad fusion.
I went to the Doctor:
I studied in school,
As husband fought.
It didn't quite help
My paranoid thoughts.
Finished a course,
To look at your tooth,
Still looking ahead.
I'd like to do.
Surfing the web,
Made a decision.
Tomorrow's the day
I'll be a vegan.
This very day
Still happy and healthy,
Still full of drive.
Living in Cali,
Isn't it nice?
Working with flowers,
Paid a price.
Goes by faster
I'm thankful for
Love and laughter
To fill the years
And fill my heart
This, my life,
Is what I've got.
Fly away sweet butterfly
you don't have to give yourself away
to anyone on this day
don't you know
you shine like the sun
even though you feel undone
wrecked by passion
wrecked by love
follow that sweet shining dove
it's just ahead
up in the sky
just keep soaring
way up high
fly away sweet butterfly
be safe and free
keep your good nature
This is not a poem. This is not a letter. This is not really much of anything, for that matter. I hope you'll continue reading because it kind of helps knowing that someone somewhere out there is reading what I'm going to say next. I just hope you, my dear reader can benefit from my story.
It's merely 3.41AM and I am feeling empty. It's not the kind of emptiness that overwhelms you in tsunamis of water, neither is it splashes of water. It just didn't seem to have a place, it wasn't really anywhere, it was kinda just there. Haunting me.
I had just finished my O level examinations, and where I come from, it's one of the most major exams in my life. It determined my future. So like any other schooling teenager in this country, I studied for it. Not just the kind of studying where you listen in class or read the textbook and do your homework. The kind of study where I could go on without sleep for days or taking shot after shot of expresso just to keep myself going or regurgitating word for word an entire essay. All because I knew how important this was to me and my family and my future. Every day of the week was dedicated towards memorizing, every minute of the day was devoted towards practicing, and every second of the minute was committed towards reading. Basically, every millisecond was crucial. And this was something I abided by religiously. But despite my efforts, I was still struggling. I simply couldn't do well. And when you put your heart and soul into something and it just doesn't go how it's supposed to, you get really broken, destroyed. You never know what went wrong and you question many things about yourself and you start running in circles, thinking and digging. The failure I was faced with consumed me with defeatism and self hate. I broke down more often than I should as the days to my exam drew closer, and I grew more anxious and scared. So god damn scared of the future.
Bear with me, please.
Anyway, the week of my exams came quickly. Despite my efforts to slow down time, time had done just the opposite. It was the most painful and suffocating weeks of my life. And although I am one to say that lightly, this easily took the crown. I have never, ever in my life felt this close off the ledge. And there were many times were I have came very close off the ledge. My exams lasted for around 3 weeks, and each morning I had to have at least a triple shot expresso and each night I before I went to sleep, there would be these images and thoughts telling me that I didn't deserved to sleep and I shouldn't even think about it. But when I did catch some sleep, the constant fears in my day had took over my nights. I would always dream about failing the exam, or being late for the exam, or forgetting to bring something to the exam, or killing myself before the exam. It was impossibly horrible and I could actually feel my soul getting depleted by the minute. Like the 'me' in my body was slipping away and there would soon be nothing harboring my body. I often find myself crying to sleep, and waking up in tears. I couldn't stand being so weak and vulnerable, but I felt absolutely defenseless against everything around me. Even the ones that loved me couldn't make me feel human, I felt like I was already dead and my body was still alive. I felt like I was constantly suffocating and nobody could see it. Each day felt so purposeless, ironically. (It being my exams week) Waking up each and every day was draining and having to face my eminent fate was painful. A physical kind of pain where you felt lightheaded and spinning but yet caged and choked. It's hard to describe.
So, it isn't hard to tell that I wasn't in the right state of mind to take my exams. I just dragged myself through those past couple of weeks, doing what I could. Each breath felt labored and each thought in my head wore me down greatly. I broke down frequently before my papers, and there would always be this couple of schoolmates who say things like "You'll do fine, stop worrying." Or "Just do your best. Whatever will be, will be." My parents would even try to tell me to take it easy and "We'll be proud as long as you've tried your best." I know that they mean well. But no, you don't understand. I have worked too fucking long and too fucking hard to watch it all slip away from me just like that. It isn't just some national exam I have to study for, it was my godforsaken passport for the future. All that I have done for this exam, all that I have forsaken, all that I have gone through was for myself. It was the dedication of every ounce of strength that I had so that I could let myself believe that hope existed. And I had just watched it being snatched away from me, right before my own sunken in, swollen eyes. And it hurt like hell knowing that I've tried my best for it, and it is a reflection of what I've worked for. Nobody's going to look at C's and D's and see the reflection of an "overnight mugger", they'll see what comes to mind first: a lazy, complacent teen. And as the saying goes, "The lie, if repeated a hundred times, becomes the truth." All my hard work will be forgotten. And it will be like it never existed before.
Maybe some might think that all this is stupid. All this I go through for one exam, I know many of my schoolmates think that way. But the complex feelings that I experience for this exam isn't just because of my future. My life depends more than it should on this exam because it will prove to me that I am not a failure and I am not as stupid as I think I am. I want to know where my best truly is and where I stand. Because I have never worked for anything in my life but this exam has been the great exception. It was the key driving force of my life, it was what wore me down and spurred me on at the same time. I don't want people to tell me that I am capable and that I am smart, because I will never believe you. I need this exam to show me that I am capable and I am smart. I want to believe it too.
So I lie in bed at 4.17AM now feeling so afraid of the future. And I used to be the kid that depended on the prospect of a better day. I have yet to meet my impending doom, and if you are wondering, I collect my results next year in January. So now, I am lost and alone. And empty.
Thank you if you've read this far, I just hope that you, my dear reader, if you've ever felt useless, or not good enough or you're just hurting, know that you are not alone and there is someone that knows how you feel. I would tell you to be strong, but only you can do that for yourself. Just hang in there.
My father took the name Connors
'cause he didn't want people to know how crazy it was
being Looneys; sons of the armed Irish, that's us.
I'ma prove myself worthy of that name some day.
Already I be on my way:
Stealing shields from the police
'cause that's how we play.
I'll make us famous one day,
Or infamous, either way.
I could be anything
but I'd rather be heard.
It's not who I am but what I've become (that I believe in).
A name does not define personal identity,
It is merely testimony.
As of yet, I remain
unnamed, unmade and unknown.
Got an ethnic identity crisis in the growing.
I can't chose who I want to be,
It's far too easy.
He did not wear a scarlet coat
But still my blood runs red
All my blood that was on his hands
When they found him with the dead
The poor dead girl he hadn't loved
And murdered in her bed.
He walked amongst the Senior Class
In a polo shirt of gray
No hat was placed upon his head
But his step was light and gay
But never once did he need
To look wistfully at the day
Never did they see him look
With a sad and wistful eye
Upon that little tent of blue
That we dreamers call the sky
And at every drifting cloud that went
With sails of silver by
I walked with no other souls in pain
From friendship ring to ring
And was wondering if anyone knew
What he had done to me
When a voice behind me whispered low,
"Is he dating her now?"
Dear Christ! The very high school walls
Suddenly seemed to reel
And the ceiling above my head became
Like a casque of scorching steal
Oh how I was a soul in pain
But my pain they did not feel
They did not know what hunted thought
Quickened my step and why
I looked upon the garish day
With such a wistful eye
He had killed who he said he loved
Yet he did had not to die.
Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword!
Some kill their love when they are young
Some when they are old
Some strangle it with hands of Lust
Some with hands of gold
The kindest use a knife because
The dead so soon grows cold
Some love too little, some too long
Some sell and others buy
Some do the deed with many tears
Some without a sigh
For each man kills the thing he loves
But this man did not die.
You know something happened
When every teacher walks into the hall
And a shared, scared glance sweeps across everyone
When your friend walks into the room and tells you
And the teacher brings you into a class of strangers
To tell you how much you mean to her.
You know something happened
When she starts crying and telling you
That she can't sugarcoat it even if she wanted to
And when you walk into your next class
And the room is silent
But the teacher didn't tell them to be.
And when there is a staff member at every corner
And when there is silence in the halls
And how you didn't even know him
But it makes you sad as well.
And how every stranger to walk in the building
Could feel the tension in the air
And how you turn the corner and see your youth pastor
And how you can't even tell your best friend how you feel
And how the silence shows you that through tragedy,
We are one.
And how the silence told me that we unite through feeling,
An unspoken feeling,
A silent tribute throughout the halls
Throughout the day.
And how you see the sadness, the tissues and hugs,
And how you wonder if that's how he felt
Before it happened
Before any of us felt this way
And you wonder if he felt this feeling
The beautiful high school quarterback
With everything seemingly perfect
And you wonder if he felt this way-
i don't believe in luck
(or god, or love, or you.)
i believe only what i feel,
and every day that's something new.
they refuse to use my lighter
because it's white (so very white)
all i have to say is,
does it matter -- the source of light?