Well you know that I sip on my sadness, my dear,
Filthy palms, filled to the brim.
And I know that you watch those trains passing by
Dizzy eyed, still drunk with sin.
Your teeth reek of reality lately,
You smile facts, figures and cracked calcium.
Now, once more with cupped hands leaking, shaking
Delirium up to your chin.
Well I know that I’ve missed the point, honey
I should get it tattooed on my wrists,
But you know that you talk like firecrackers
So flinching gets awful hard to resist.
I make believe that I’m right like craters
make moons believe.
So I’ll comment on comets and ignore truths
popping between parentheses.
You say, “It’s fiction we live in
You play in pastels
and fake hollywood rhythms
and I’m tired, staring up at your screen.
You're addicted to this diction
My voice is lost, screaming
these words you keep stealing
and twist for yourself what they mean."
Sometimes we sit soaked to the waist in nothing
Fringe Wolves snarl, drool and moan;
I’m afraid that this desert’s left them starving
They crave marrow within bone.
Dripping teeth, curled clawed toes and howling
I swear they feed every time that we breathe.
By cinderblock, flashfloods or whirlpools
Just drown us properly.
Well, one day we’ll resurface to find ghosts reborn
from hallowed shells of Fringe Wolves
Who waltz wicked and crooked a foxtrot to show
sometimes loss is beautiful.
And when I ask for your hand you’ll look tragic
like you never saw what I see
When you walk away, I’m toe-tapping
to some song you kept whispering.
You say, “It’s fiction we live in.
It’s intended for men like you,
but I've watched you drain out in my palm."
This clothing, from bedpost to box-spring,
It's all wax-coats and smoke screens,
live lit-candle lasting
When did skin begin to fit wrong?
So when they ask for me at the after party
With neon eyes and harlot tongues,
You can tell them I traded this stale air in
For forest fires and tornado lungs.
'Cause I’ve been reading up in matchbooks
how to ignite with star-gazer eyes.
So feel free to maintain your Truth
but pardon me while I burn up in Lie.
The world is Gray,
A slate wiped clean.
One day, I wandered
from pane to pane,
glancing out windows,
dreading Gray, the bête noire,
now it's come,
now it shall stay,
let me explain tomorrow's day.
A light erased the colors I knew;
came from dawn, swept on through,
break by break, it grew and grew,
morning fell, the horrors new,
my world of Gray appeared.
So now I wait for your return;
you took it all,
where've you been?
you took it all, all for your own,
and now I reap what's never sown.
The children sleep,
they do not know:
the things they seek
will never grow;
The children sleep,
they'll never see
what was a color means,
what it could be;
The children sleep,
they cannot know
how dawn has stolen what we know.
Drizzle, drizzle, rain outside,
you stole my heart and now you've died,
you stole the rain, yet now it pours,
I'm blocked by windows, hidden doors,
the day is darker, starker, gone,
the Gray has come, the game is on.
Flickering candles shall know no light,
the Gray-ness will take over night;
Ice will fall, winter's here,
Still, the Gray is crystal clear.
Cool, uncaring, blood seeps from the sky,
or maybe not,
Who knows, when all the world is Gray with fear?
The children sleep soundlessly,
forever marked in harmony.
The children sleep a dreadful sleep,
they will not wake,
Oh! the dreadful steps we take?
The children sleep a dying sleep,
the Gray has taken them.
The Gray has come, my dear,
are you now, too, drawing near?
Will you stay for one last dance?
Help me from this horrid trance.
Will you help me shake my fear
that only appears when Gray is near?
the children sleep,
the rain, it falls;
Shh! The Gray, it listens.
Time's up, I'm afraid,
the Gray is here,
so very near,
it scorches with it's burning sneer,
Tick tock, tick tock,
time's up, my dear.
And as you- can very well see,
the Gray has taken over me,
and there upon an evening clear,
at thirteen o'clock, the time that's feared,
the Blackness began drawing near.
There is a freedom in delusion,
It is artificially flavoured and cheap-
for anyone desperate enough to buy it.
Like this, there are many more copies of the originals.
It is the promise of Love,
The dissapointment of failure,
and the bitter taste of regret.
Yes, there is a blind happiness in the act of faith;
believing in the shadows reflected on the walls of the cave.
A hard truth to accept- the lies you tell to yourself
as you go to bed and succumb to wishful dreams.
Another day wasted-another mind twisted.
The vitality of grass and the prattle of the birds ceases
love fades away, as does the vigor of the summer.
Words once fluent, now cease to forced murmurs of dispassion.
There goes the first leaf of autumn-
in the cold harshness of the creeping wind.
There is honesty and pain in recognition,
Deceit and grief at the eyes of imitation.
Yes, there is a temporal taste of forged happiness;
A comfort in the fabric of deception.
I stumbled against you at the bazaar in Alexandria one day,
a stroke of accidental closeness as we brushed hands,
and my heart shivered like the old man on the corner of Divisadero street.
And then you vanished from my mind as a dead leaf from branch,
till I saw you again in a tavern by the docks,
quill in hand and the world on your back.
We share that same dusty look, that obvious stride
that wanderers from everywhere can so easily surmise
to belong to one in kind.
The day after you were at the well by the caravanserai,
and I recognized your goatskin shoes as those
of a mariner from the North, the land of the Majus, my kin.
There's not a finer way to go
Than in the early morning
As the new sun rises
And burns the light fog away that sits along the shadow of the mountains.
Dew glistens on the tall grass while bright birds chirp and sing to the new day
The cool air is filled with moisture, with dirt, thick air with life in it.
There's not a more peaceful time to die than that.
It's a good spot under the large oak tree,
Nice shade and a decent view of the range
With a strong branch, for a rough roped noose.
A gruff voiced sheriff and a soft spoken judge
Passed the final sentence and kicked the chair away
It was a fine morning to die on,
A fine morning to hang
Remember people the words you say!
They form scars that may not heal one day.
If words are said over over.
You may believe them and fall instead instead of hurdle.
Life should be grand but I take my life and hide my head In the sand.
Wanted to be loved by you truly all these years.
I've overcome so much but you don't even care.
These scars I have are tainting my heart
To the point I cry and hide in the dark
I'm a loser so you say but just remember it's your constant mean words that made me this way
Ady was a troubled kid, but he didn't use to be that way. Now, he almost never smiles and happiness has become an outdated concept to him. For a seventeen year old boy, he was unusual. He sulked in the darkest thoughts of his mind, with his head held down in disdain. He had black hair and dark brown eyes that would always stare at the ground, looking at his every footstep. No solace in his life existed, for he was overwhelmed in his thoughts, lost in a world of nonconformity. He thought of himself as a slave of society, forced to be confined to the strict rules set upon him. His mind, however, adventured to break the chains of bondage, no longer detained to society’s norms.
During school, he was despondent sulking in his own thoughts, while teachers became agitated that he was falling behind. Ady knew what all the answers were, but kept quiet, so his fellow peers wouldn't look at him with repugnance. He felt that he was surrounded by ignorance, only to be comforted by himself. His thoughts teased him, pressuring him to question his every action.
He sat down in the cold seat of his English class and stared blankly at the bare wall in front of him. His headphones were blasting music, but he could still hear the remarks made by his classmates. Instead of paying attention in class, he soon dozed off into his own dark thoughts, once again.
"Why are you here, Ady? What possesses you to keep coming to class? You don't even pay attention!" His thoughts were devouring his mind once again. "Your parents have put so much pressure on you to be just like your brother. Why are you falling behind? Your parents aren't proud of you anymore. Look at you; you are nothing. You're making yourself look like a goddamn disgrace." His thoughts wouldn't stop persecuting him.
Ady whispered to himself quietly, “Please just go away. I don’t want this right now.”
”What do you not want? Me reminding you how much of a failure you are? You should know it by know, how your teachers whisper to each other about how you were such a wonderful student. Now, you are just a disappointment. No one cares about you. Your peers think you’re demented.” Snickered his thoughts, “You are only killing yourself, Ady. Doused with drugs, alcohol, and pills, you have become derelict. Might as well kill yourself now.”
"Will you just stop fucking with me!?" Ady shouted.
Suddenly, his classmates turned around in awe with wide eyes to see Ady sitting in the back. His teacher, Mrs. Beck, stopped reading Huckleberry Finn and stared at him blankly with her jaw dropped in shock. Realizing that he said this out loud, Ady grabbed his textbooks and stormed out the classroom. He sat on the nearest bench in his school’s courtyard, his palms placed upon his forehead, reminiscing on what he had just done. "Now everyone is going to think you're a disgrace and a delirious lunatic." His thoughts boasted. Tears streamed down his face with his face cradled in the palms of his hands. "Oh now Ady, don't be a coward. Why are you crying? Because you can't get rid of your thoughts or that I'm haunting you to the point of timorous suicide?
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Ady asserted, shaking his head.
"Because I am a part of you, you can never get rid of me. I will haunt you till the day you leave this Earth, which might be soon, since you're thinking of killing yourself." His thoughts teased. Ady didn't know how to respond, so he solemnly walked home in the cold November weather, with his thoughts still taunting him.
The next day, Ady returned to the class he absconded yesterday. He walked in right as the bell rang. "You're late again, Ady." Said his teacher, Mrs. Beck. Ady ignored his teacher's remarks and sat in his seat, while his fellow peers whispered about how Ady had boasted out of class yesterday.
"Do you think he's on drugs?" said one of the students.
"I don't know, but I've heard rumors he was placed in that mental institution, Holly Hills." replied another student.
Even though Ady had headphones in, he could still hear what his fellow peers thought of him.
"They're just jealous, Ady. Don't pay any mind to them; they will all pay their do's soon." His thoughts echoed in the cobwebs of his brain, even louder than they were before. Abruptly, Ady felt a slight pinch on his shoulder and saw that it was one of the girl's sitting behind him.
"Ady, are you okay?” exclaimed the young girl, "You ran out yesterday and I was worried about you, I hope you're okay now." The girl's name was Ester; she had hazel eyes that matched the freckles on her cheeks, with long light brown hair. Her lips smiled from cheek to cheek as she gazed into Ady’s eyes. She had known Ady for quite a long time, and had even gone on a couple dates with him, but it didn't turn into anything serious.
"Yeah I'm fine, thanks." said Ady whilst turning back around to face the front of the classroom. Ady knew Ester meant no harm, and that she constantly perturbed about him. But why would anyone care about him, especially her? No one else paid him any attention, except for Ester. Ady didn't know the answers to his questions, but he did find solace that someone cared for him.
3:18 A.M. Tuesday, November 18th
"Ady, wake up. It's me again. Did you hear what your friends said about you? They said you were in a mental institution and that you turn to drugs to help you cope. Are you just going to let them get away with that?" murmured his thoughts.
"They're not my friends, not even acquaintances. Why should I care now what they think of me, they've said rumors about me before." replied Ady.
"You are such an ignorant young boy. They've been doing this ever since you were in Elementary school. They think you're insane, in fact everybody thinks you are. Your parents, friends, teachers, classmates, and even Ester.”
"Shut up you have no idea what you're talking about! “Proclaimed Ady.
"Oh, but I do. You should be locked up in a mental institution, one of those padded rooms, where you can't hurt yourself. Or better yet, hurt other people. You like the idea of pain, don't you? So, why do you only inflict it upon yourself, and not others, you selfish prick!"
"Get out of my head! Get out! Why do you do this to me!? I don't want to hurt anyone!" shouted Ady. He grabbed a syringe full of Heroine from the second drawer of his nightstand and stabbed it into the inside of his elbow; he slowly injected the drug into his blood stream. His dark brown pupils dilated and soon fell from his bed to the carpeted ground, without his thoughts there to torment him.
Ady woke up around noon, and decided to go to school. However, he injected another dose of Heroine to ease his nerves, and hopefully eliminate his intrusive thoughts. He also took another bag, but his one was not full of his usual textbooks. Three G17 Gen4 9mm pistols, two Bear OPS switchblades, and one Desert Eagle semi-automatic pistol. Ady, of course, obtained these weapons illegally, and kept them under his bed in his old guitar case. He wore a dark black coat and a black bandanna over his face, to make sure his identity was not revealed.
When he arrived at Saint Augustine High School, he was immediately noticed by one of the teachers, Mr. Hills. Mr Hills had been Ady’s Advance Placement Chemistry teacher, who he had known for quite a long time.
“Ady,” exclaimed Mr. Hills, “why are you dressed like that? Don’t you need to return to your third period?”
Ady slowly took out one of his 9 millimeters and aimed it at Mr. Hill’s forehead. Once he saw the gun Mr. Hills took off running, but Ady shot him directly in his spinal cord. Mr. Hills fell to the concrete sidewalk, blood escaping his body and painting the ground a crimson color that matched the autumn leaves. The sound of the gunshot was heard throughout the school, causing the emergency bell to start blasting a high pitched ring.
"Wonderful, our presence is known." His thoughts echoed. The school suddenly went into lock down, teachers started locking the doors, turning off the lights, and students frantically hid under their desks. Ady wasn't naive, he knew what was exactly going on. First, the teachers and students had been notified that there was a deranged psycho loose in their school. Second, the police and SWAT team were on their way to stop Ady in his path.
Ady proceeded down the hallways of his school, where all the doors were shut and the classrooms were dark. His footsteps echoed in the hallway, and he could hear the gasping of breath inside the classrooms as he passed them. He slowly strolled to Mrs. Beck's classroom, and jiggled the doorknob just to see if he could get a reaction. He did. With as much force as he attained, he kicked in the door. The students hid under the desks, screaming and terrified they called out "Please, don't hurt us. Please. Please have mercy." Ady smirked at the sight of their terror.
"Why should I be merciful towards you?" Ady claimed. He then took out his semi- automatic pistol from his black book bag and aimed it to the boy closest to him, who was cowering under his desk. His name was Matthew and he was one of the boys that had harassed Ady since he was eight years old. Ady then preceded to the shoot the boy in-between his green eyes. His blood plastered the wall behind him, while his head lay adjacent to the crimson wall. The whole class shrieked, not for the boy, but for who was going to be the next victim.
"The way I see it is you can either be the victim or the culprit.” said Ady, "However, you guys drove me to this, and so I think of you as both." Ady thus opened fired on the whole class. Mrs. Beck, the boy who sat next to him, and the girls who used to flirt with him. As the bullets fired, their blood piercing screams were heard throughout the school. Though, through the midst of chaos, Ester was not injured. She stood as a gleaming symbol of hope, while blood and lifeless bodies covered the tile floor. Her palms in her face, she wept hysterically under one of the desks. What had she just witnessed? Why did Ady not shoot her? Traumatized she looked around at twenty-one lifeless bodies lying around her, and then she looked at Ady. Ady gazed into her eyes and walked away. No emotions. No words. Nothing.
The police and SWAT team surrounded the school, but luckily Ady surrendered. He had gotten what he wanted. Revenge. But, revenge is not a substitute for justice. Ady was now locked up in Cherry Grove mental institution. There, he was alone with his thoughts again. He wanted to escape from everyone who had ever done him wrong. But the one person, who caused Ady to go mentally ill, in which he could never escape, was himself.
© 9-18-05 J Stevens 3/4
8 8 q q 8 8 8 8 8 - 8 8 8 q
1 2 3 3 3 - 2 | 1 1 2 - 1 1 8 1
Is your heart now breaking, from the sorrows in your life?
q q 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 q 8 8 h
1 1 2 3 3 3 3 3 2-1 2
Are you de-feet-ed in your walk with Him?
1-2 3 3 3 3 1 2 1 1 8 1
The Father above can heal your broken heart.
1 1 2 3 3 1 2 1 8-1
And set your feet on the path once again.
Are you tired of living not knowing where you’re bound?
Do you feel desperation all around?
The Father above can give you peace again
And set your feet on the road to Heaven bound.
Do you know of God’s grace and His mercy which is free?
Do you need a new touch of His love?
Just open the door of your heart and let Him in.
Receive the Joy and Love from above.
-- chorus -----------------------------
3 5 5 5 5 3 4 | 3
Open up your heart and say – aah.
3 4 5 - 5 5-3 4 3
Let the Doctor above look in.
3 5 5 5 5 4 3 4 3 – 2 1
Open up your heart and let the sorrow out,
1 2 3 3 1 2 1-8-1
And be filled with His love within.
3 - 5 5 5 5 3 4 3 q q q
Open up your heart and say – aah, … aah, aah, aah!
3 5 3 5 5 3 q q q
Give Him your life this day.
3 -4 3 2 1 1 1 2 3 2 1
Open up your heart and let the Son shine in
1 2 3 3 1 2-1 8 - 1
And be filled with His spirit today.
Open up your heart…. Open up your heart.
He will fill you with His spirit……
He will fill you with His spirit again.
The second line 8 1 2 3 4 is the note to play. Example in key of C
8=B 1=C 2=D 3=E 4=F 5=G
I know... confusing. Probably why this has not seen the light of day.
(To be sung as rap lyrics) or like doctor suess or like jim morrison or like raydio head or pink floyd..
I’ve gone insane I’ve gone insane
All that I can think of is blood and pain
I wake up in the afternoon, go to bed at dawn
While my brain says what the fuck is going on?
It’s insane, insane-it-y
The pills, are my only san-it-y
But what’s, insanity
When we’re all, insane?
Momma, I’m insane,
No fixed amount, of lithium
Will put me right again
When you can’t stop laughing
When you don’t know why
When you’re still off laughing
When you’re not even high
It’s cracked, it’s caked
It’s shaked and baked
Scrabbled up with gobledegoop,
This brain of mine, is set on loop
With groggly eyes, and brows so furrowed
It’s upside down, wow welcome to my world
When upside down is right side up,
When you don’t know why, you always throw up
When you’re on solid ground you feel,
Like something isn’t right or real
The ceiling is nothing more than floor side up,
Ponder that, and you will feel, a second in the world, of something real
Reality is nothing more than myth
Play-Doh there, for your entertainment
I know no boundaries, and neither should you,
Here’s what I think you should do
Next time someone tells you, that you are right or wrong
Burst out laughing and sing this song
I’m sure you’ll confuse them, right and dumb
You’ll leave them nice and comfortably numb
They won’t understand at first, you’ll see,
But when they realize, what they can be,
They’ll drop their books and burst into song,
There’s no such thing as right or wrong
There’s only people, we are no one
In this reality of love and sun
So come and trip, welcome to my world
Of questions asked, and “truths” undone
Sing this song, and they may understand
The meaning of meaningless, of grains of sand
Hell is cold, on this warm day,
Come out satan, I want to play
Jesus can come too just to be fair,
But no name calling or pulling of hair
The yen and yang shall rise again,
In these times of peace, and hateful sin
Trip, trip, drip, drip
Goodnight, do run with it.
These past few months I have been going through
many hours of '' soul searching '' walking around
through '' dark hours ''
Then in my vision of first-glance feeling on a
New York Time
Back when you fit in my poems like a perfect rhyme
I held on to what once was true before I lost You
in a cloud of blues
I know Jehovah is with me even when the ''dark cloud''
that engulfs me , I know I must endure it until
This pain gets removed from my mind from my heart and soul ,
'' darkness, '' is something I do not miss
I was hurting so bad it almost taken me down
And right there where I stood on holy ground
That is when '' Jehovah '' taken my heart and made me
New again ,Taken my ''darkened'' hours of pouring showers
Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress feeling so blessed
the noise ''of your '' Voice '' with the sound of ‘I need you’,
And for the first time I had something to lose,
I guess we fell apart in the usual way
But that is on a beautiful ''faded '', day when ''Jehovah ''
made way to my heart and washed that ''darkened ''
memory away when it comes to you
the story’s got dust on every page of gray of every sad
word you ever had to say on that ''cold ''winters day of ''gray''
Tonight I'm gonna dance I'm going to dance out in the pouring rain
Calling on ''Jehovah's '' name to wash away those nasty ''darken '' pains''
I am good never looking down because where I am at is on '' holy '' ground.