that runaway's life once again felt
cut short of finding new home
instead a odyssey
of heart and mind forged
inside this extended mull
knowing no end
..where the land petered out
narrowing to nothing
where cold tides
always running in and out
on top of each other
and are hard to tell apart
they don't matter here
unattended thin stretch
he stays brooded upon
allowing him to run no further
..his unfolding life
into the swift gulf stream
pulling him down into the rip
one day it is as dangerous as hell
the following day
becoming less treacherous
where all his visions can toss and roll
calmly out to sea
something either ended or began here long ago
but i don't remember which
but it is enough to just be
he says with half a care
his voice a swell of low tones
old as the atlantic now
looking back over his shoulder
he is reconciled to all the other places
that might have been
just as remote
of a possibility
as this one his life places in
but the runaway will always be here
as perpetual as the shift in the dunes
that purple silhouette again
up beach, following the sunset
as far as it can go
my shattered heart.
Pausing for a reaction
A hateful acknowledgement of my actions
Jangling your nerves
For each and every infraction
I push the buttons
To a dangerous ledge
Forcing you closer and closer
To the cliff's edge
Happily for filling to my death a pledge
I push the buttons
Comes a loving embrace
Then retrieve from my memory
Thoughts better erased
The time in my life
Sequence of events
They gave way to my now favorite pastime
I push the buttons
A puppet helpless you will dance
Never again allowed the chance
To have a life without the shadow of a cloud
Prodding and poking
I shall never cease
The humming of my plastic keys
Who cannot believe
What lies on the other side
There will be no peace
My appetite for revenge will never be filled
So I push the buttons
This poem is copyrighted and stored in author base. All material subject to Copyright Infringement laws
Section 512(c)(3) of the U.S. Copyright
Act, 17 U.S.C. S517(c)(3), Tammy M. Darby
Because every little thing in my life reminds me of you.
I see you in the books I read.
And the songs I listen to.
In the movies I watch.
Every thought that goes through my head leads back to you.
And I can’t help but think that you are the answer to my problems and the end to the pain.
But thinking like this is a dangerous trap.
Thinking like this gets me hurt.
And I don’t think I can take any more hurt.
Liking someone like you makes me realize that I will never be good enough.
I will never be right and you will always deserve better.
I know I can’t be that for you and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I’m just a messed up, talentless, ADHD teenager who has no control over my feelings or words.
I’m sorry that I’m not all you want, because that is all I want to be.
But I know there’s no point because you’ll leave me anyway.
Everyone just walks away with no goodbye.
I am always the second choice, the back-up plan, the alternative until you find someone better.
And I’m just tired you know?
I’m tired of trying to put up with all this shit and telling myself that there are only 3 more years till I can leave this fucking state and leave all the pain behind.
But a lot can happen in 3 years.
And over any other emotion, I’m just scared and lonely in this nightmare that I call life.
Hope is dangerous
Perhaps that's why it hangs around on street corners
And in doorways
Waiting to waylay me as I pass through
To get my morning coffee
I've been fighting with Hope
But it doesn't fight fair
It has a shiv that cuts deeply into my heart
And the parry fractures on my ulnae
Say more about its victory over my defenses
Than these inadequate words ever can.
Hope has a rap sheet a mile long
And when it comes knocking,
Part of me knows it would probably be better
To turn out the lights and pretend I'm not home
But I'm recklessly unafraid.
And the danger excites me.
And I climb on the back of Hope's motorcycle
Not caring that he's taking the curves too fast
And I let hope sneak me out of the house in the middle of the night
Running away together into the night
Knowing full well that when the morning comes,
He will be long gone.
Hope has me sitting in this car in an abandoned shipyard
Waiting for the drop
Believing, against all sanity, that you will show up
To make the exchange
To continue the deal.
Hope is reckless and fearless
Hope is the explanation behind every one of these scars
I haven't seen you in a long time, but
Foolishly, I still believe in your promise
And soon, the court date with Hope will come
And my love for you will stand trial
Though it's never been anything but innocent,
I know I would be found guilty, time and again
Hope blasphemously sits in the judges chair
Feet up on the railing
As he waits for you to show up and swear in.
Hope brokers back-door deals with me in the passenger seat
Leads me down dark alleys at 2 in the morning
Making promises nobody could ever keep
He keeps my bank account at an all-time low
He holds the gun to my ribcage in the tattoo parlor and asks, one more time
"Will this save you? Will this make you free?"
Hope is an exercise in flirtation with disaster
Except that Hope doesn't know how to flirt,
Doesn't do anything halfway -
It becomes an exercise in falling in love with disaster
Finding beauty in the broken things.
I'm begging you -
I know Hope is dangerous
But please don't tear him away from me
Dear god, please.
Because if you leave this time
If you fail me now
If you walk away, he walks with you.
Despair becomes my only company
And though dangerous, Hope is exciting
Despair just hands me the bottle of tequila
And shaking his head knowingly, tells me
To drink until it's empty
To say goodbye to you and Hope
The only way I can
Why did you want me?
I'm the solution to your loneliness?
Are you only using me because no one else wants you?
Love is too much of a dangerous game to play
I can never roll the dice the right way
I always lose at something I once wanted to win
I never get the mark
I know you don't want to look at me
My weird nose
My fat body
I'm a creature no one will ever want
I don't have the appeal
I don't have the personality
I never liked the right bands
I never sang the right song
Something about me was always out of tune
My guitar always breaks
One by one
The strings start to fall
Everything starts to fade
And takes my memory away
Just leave me be
No one ever love me please
I take a breath and hold.
I tell myself,
“Pick up the pieces…
Because nobody else will.”
You’re not coming back.
And why would you?
Why would I expect you to walk backwards through this cold, storming heart?
It’s freezing rain,
I guess you could say I trust myself about as much as you do.
Trust, what a funny word, I think,
Because everybody wants it but nobody gives it.
We walk around demanding trust from each other,
But nobody really gives the benefit of the doubt to anyone else.
The ones that do end up cold and broken,
Singing sad songs in their cars on a drive going nowhere.
The thought of driving makes me dizzy now,
Because being able to feel something for the first time in months
Has made me not want to let go of the air lying still in my compressed lungs…
To feel the burning of desire for oxygen,
This internal battle reaching for the end,
Lungs squeezing tighter, suffocation…
Everything is so dark right now that it is beginning to look bright.
Funny how the lack of something you can’t live without makes you delusional.
When you’re so caught up in something that you could fix,
You forget how to fix it.
Like that my lungs know all I need to do is inhale,
But the lack of oxygen in my brain is confusing my entire body.
It almost feels good, being able to feel the pain.
Sometimes I think I deserve this…
This pain that is rushing through my veins at this very second.
Like it is my own fault,
And I feel I need to prove the capacity of my own breathing,
The ability to stop it if I want to.
And I know that if you have been following along,
You and I both need to breathe because your lungs are about to give up…
I finally exhale.
I take a large breath in,
And feel my heart rejoicing as blood pumps through rapidly,
My body’s way of thanking me for not ending it now…
Instantly, I’m crying.
Because I feel numb already.
Numbness is an interesting feeling,
Or lack thereof,
Because even though tears are leaving my eyes,
My nerves and emotions feel unsettlingly calm.
It feels like when I swim out far enough into the ocean that
The waves stop crashing on you and begin swaying underneath,
Moving you as you float on your back.
That moment of utter peace and confusion before a wave finally carries you back.
I’ve been floating out here for some time, now, though,
Waiting for my wave or my raft or even my shark,
To either save me or end me,
Because I am so sick of this emotionless limbo I am stuck in
Due to the fact that I have forgotten how to swim.
Out here, peaceful music plays,
And I forget about everything for a moment or a lifetime.
I think of all the things I have messed up.
But if there’s one thing I wish I could change,
It’s hurting you.
I’m feeling myself being slowly pulled back to shore,
By a figure who looks just like you…
Suddenly, I am remembering how to move my arms and legs,
You just stare at me, though,
You don’t try to help me and you don’t acknowledge my presence.
It seems as if you’ve been waiting to watch me drown.
I don’t have to wonder why you aren’t extending your hand for me.
I wouldn’t help me either.
Finally, a wave falls on top of me, spinning me in circles.
You seem so close, though,
Almost ready to pull me from this high tide.
Are you ready to pull me away from the ocean?
It's wonderful and sickening
that I can almost sense you here
in this black hole that couldn't lead to
anything but the disaster that I've learned to
expect every time I give in to the idea
of running my fingers through your hair
and pretending your stomach is pressed against mine
with your arms locking me in place
your lips on my neck
and our legs intertwined.
But when I reach my hands in this
darkness that I can't seem to escape,
I swear your fingertips are outlined
against my own,
veins caressing veins,
skin electrifying skin,
and your heart beating in time
with my own is the only thing
that's keeping me alive
You're within reach
And I just can't resist.
to trust these hallucinations.
But you're already in my bloodstream
And as with any time blood is spilled,
this is going to get ugly.
"Just sit down
Let me gather my thoughts
We'll break up when I'm good and ready."
And like a God-fearing Christian
For some reason, I listened
To the whisper of my own reality failing
Her mouth moved oceans
To drench my coastlines with doubt
And her teeth reflected suns
That burned the happiness out
and I thought to myself
This is the end of my world
With a pause in her tirade
She caught her breath
As I rose to the surface
before my lungs collapsed
risking a bad case of bends
and as her eyes ripped my being into fibers
I thought there was one last try to make amends
I raised my hand
Her Scorched Earth policy
My own personal holocaust
In hopes that if put on the stand
The jury would at least be hung.
And for a moment
A fleeting sliver of time
I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
And like a fool
I was blinded
My walls of introversion
And almost like my brother
I continued down this path
Too busy looking forward
To think of stepping back
To view the world around me
As the ground gave way underneath
And every word you said
Took a brick from the wall
Like the world's most dangerous Jenga game
And this time I lost
And was killed by the force of my own timidity
And nothing can give me back what I lost
And nothing can take back what you said
Caught in a crossfire
confused with desire
out of focus, a rush
longing for touch
two paths, which to choose
left or right
stuck in a plight
so very confused about what is right
Hope is foolish and love makes you blind, you seem to be out of time.
they call it "heartbreak"
but it feels more like
is folding you in half again and again
and paper can only fold 8 times
but darling, as much as you wish to be paper thin
you are not paper
"heartbreak" can keep creasing you and bending you in half
and it'll only take one boy and a pair of scissors to cut you up into paper snowflakes
it'll hurt a lot
but this boy will make you feel beautiful
just hope he won't crumple you up and throw you into the trashcan
give him a paper cut
that way, he'll know the pain, too
and you'll be stuck in his veins forever
and he'll have no way to get you out unless he bleeds
don't let him bleed after this
you'll be tied together by your scars
you're both broken
be broken together
scissors beats paper
never let him break you in half
you are still fragile and he is still dangerous