Raindrops fall from the sky
The colour of the sky was blue
Teardrops fall, I cry
So tired of being blue
Crying in the rain
So they'll never see me in pain
Watching the rain wash away
But not my emotions, no way
I wished to wear a crown
Not to be their clown
Why can't they see me like "woah"
Instead of "ohh"
I am not as tough as you can see
I can't be strong as I wanna be
Stop judging me
I never knew how my life would be
Some a flowing field of corn
some a barren plate
they die if they are ever born
falls quietly to their fate!
There's little in your hand to choose
not much that you can do
surely isn't a fun to lose
knowing so fast they grew!
What was once the face's grace
boastful glory of crown
vanish without leaving a trace
black or white or brown!
Know the truth bare and harsh
whatever color we dye
from sapling to the tallest grass
is destined to wane and die!
SO uh i wrote this on a fucking empty box of cupcakes while watching The Grinch hahaha
Oh my darling with your milk chocolate eyes,
and a grin of naught but foxlike delight.
How I admit my love, which you despise
Regardless of reason, this earthen brow fights.
A licorice waterfall cascades down
onto two platforms of beauty and mirth.
Existence grows with this pain as your crown.
How can such enchantment be of this earth?
Oh I’d wish all but you a shallow death,
as I weep for sweet, dear…
Helen shall I dash my hopes upon your rocks
Sacrifice my ship to sinking sirens song
Chase your willowisp into the dark swamps deadly mist?
Sultry siren call me forth
Towards the jagged expectations of your ever changing shores
I shall sink myself upon the shark filled shoals
Where sailors seek salvation
And find their high hopes drowned
To fall into the endless dark
Where skeletons enthroned
All wear the coral crown
Oh Helen I shall send a fleet with high flags flying
And chance your shifting sands
I shall risk the rocks and waves
the highs and lows of your desire
I shall steer my ship towards heaven
And hope to reach it's shores
Nakedness and manifestations of the white noise mind traffic,
I watch the world turn before the fabricated glory of torches without flames and chariots without horses,
All saturated with the molecular movements of the air made with melodies not played for You,
This is the concrete sea of gasoline’s grace of novelties I once spoke of when I was a prince of sleepless men and my heart was determined to germinate the seeds of wicked kings,
Now with a crown cast down and cracked,
I am a dystopian eclipsing a dying sun to cast shadows on sleeping silent sinking houses,
As I watch them go down to where I've made my bed before,
I recall how they make me turn in my sleep before You,
Keeping keys deep below bowing floorboards whining with the weight of weeping willows grown by ghosts of a life once sewn and patched by my pity of distorted desperation,
My fingers keep my dreams from unraveling,
Locking them up tight tonight by hiding my face from it all,
Closing my eyes with my palms,
My lamps are bathed in blackness,
Darkness covers darkness,
And then I feel your hands lower the veil,
I see holes made by instruments of death forged in time,
Scarring You in a place that Kronos nor Thanatos cannot consider to tread,
I put my fingers through them,
I remember now that you paint such beautiful pictures,
Color me with your dreams now,
Your pigments have been poured out,
A gift was given to the dust,
Now I live to give it back to you,
And the haunted fluorescence of Babylon grow dim before your face,
The orchestral cries of mans machines grow silent,
Deep touches deep,
Sharing the oceans between us,
A love infinite consumes me
This is not a poem. This is not a letter. This is not really much of anything, for that matter. I hope you'll continue reading because it kind of helps knowing that someone somewhere out there is reading what I'm going to say next. I just hope you, my dear reader can benefit from my story.
It's merely 3.41AM and I am feeling empty. It's not the kind of emptiness that overwhelms you in tsunamis of water, neither is it splashes of water. It just didn't seem to have a place, it wasn't really anywhere, it was kinda just there. Haunting me.
I had just finished my O level examinations, and where I come from, it's one of the most major exams in my life. It determined my future. So like any other schooling teenager in this country, I studied for it. Not just the kind of studying where you listen in class or read the textbook and do your homework. The kind of study where I could go on without sleep for days or taking shot after shot of expresso just to keep myself going or regurgitating word for word an entire essay. All because I knew how important this was to me and my family and my future. Every day of the week was dedicated towards memorizing, every minute of the day was devoted towards practicing, and every second of the minute was committed towards reading. Basically, every millisecond was crucial. And this was something I abided by religiously. But despite my efforts, I was still struggling. I simply couldn't do well. And when you put your heart and soul into something and it just doesn't go how it's supposed to, you get really broken, destroyed. You never know what went wrong and you question many things about yourself and you start running in circles, thinking and digging. The failure I was faced with consumed me with defeatism and self hate. I broke down more often than I should as the days to my exam drew closer, and I grew more anxious and scared. So god damn scared of the future.
Bear with me, please.
Anyway, the week of my exams came quickly. Despite my efforts to slow down time, time had done just the opposite. It was the most painful and suffocating weeks of my life. And although I am one to say that lightly, this easily took the crown. I have never, ever in my life felt this close off the ledge. And there were many times were I have came very close off the ledge. My exams lasted for around 3 weeks, and each morning I had to have at least a triple shot expresso and each night I before I went to sleep, there would be these images and thoughts telling me that I didn't deserved to sleep and I shouldn't even think about it. But when I did catch some sleep, the constant fears in my day had took over my nights. I would always dream about failing the exam, or being late for the exam, or forgetting to bring something to the exam, or killing myself before the exam. It was impossibly horrible and I could actually feel my soul getting depleted by the minute. Like the 'me' in my body was slipping away and there would soon be nothing harboring my body. I often find myself crying to sleep, and waking up in tears. I couldn't stand being so weak and vulnerable, but I felt absolutely defenseless against everything around me. Even the ones that loved me couldn't make me feel human, I felt like I was already dead and my body was still alive. I felt like I was constantly suffocating and nobody could see it. Each day felt so purposeless, ironically. (It being my exams week) Waking up each and every day was draining and having to face my eminent fate was painful. A physical kind of pain where you felt lightheaded and spinning but yet caged and choked. It's hard to describe.
So, it isn't hard to tell that I wasn't in the right state of mind to take my exams. I just dragged myself through those past couple of weeks, doing what I could. Each breath felt labored and each thought in my head wore me down greatly. I broke down frequently before my papers, and there would always be this couple of schoolmates who say things like "You'll do fine, stop worrying." Or "Just do your best. Whatever will be, will be." My parents would even try to tell me to take it easy and "We'll be proud as long as you've tried your best." I know that they mean well. But no, you don't understand. I have worked too fucking long and too fucking hard to watch it all slip away from me just like that. It isn't just some national exam I have to study for, it was my godforsaken passport for the future. All that I have done for this exam, all that I have forsaken, all that I have gone through was for myself. It was the dedication of every ounce of strength that I had so that I could let myself believe that hope existed. And I had just watched it being snatched away from me, right before my own sunken in, swollen eyes. And it hurt like hell knowing that I've tried my best for it, and it is a reflection of what I've worked for. Nobody's going to look at C's and D's and see the reflection of an "overnight mugger", they'll see what comes to mind first: a lazy, complacent teen. And as the saying goes, "The lie, if repeated a hundred times, becomes the truth." All my hard work will be forgotten. And it will be like it never existed before.
Maybe some might think that all this is stupid. All this I go through for one exam, I know many of my schoolmates think that way. But the complex feelings that I experience for this exam isn't just because of my future. My life depends more than it should on this exam because it will prove to me that I am not a failure and I am not as stupid as I think I am. I want to know where my best truly is and where I stand. Because I have never worked for anything in my life but this exam has been the great exception. It was the key driving force of my life, it was what wore me down and spurred me on at the same time. I don't want people to tell me that I am capable and that I am smart, because I will never believe you. I need this exam to show me that I am capable and I am smart. I want to believe it too.
So I lie in bed at 4.17AM now feeling so afraid of the future. And I used to be the kid that depended on the prospect of a better day. I have yet to meet my impending doom, and if you are wondering, I collect my results next year in January. So now, I am lost and alone. And empty.
Thank you if you've read this far, I just hope that you, my dear reader, if you've ever felt useless, or not good enough or you're just hurting, know that you are not alone and there is someone that knows how you feel. I would tell you to be strong, but only you can do that for yourself. Just hang in there.
Always comes back to
Liking too much, like
Every other addiction, obsession
Xtreme in one way or the next.
Sweetly indulging, fumigating my breast.
Butt the taste, so disgusting
Oh but how I Krave.
Never can I cease to increase
Gradual deprivation of the soul through elevation.
Possibly the worst, hard to quit
Opening the doors at first
Positively revolting though
Piece by piece, Tip then pack
Every bit helps but
Rarely do they last long.
So many, can't count. Can't stop. Pop.
King without a crown,
I partake away from home.
Nothing but spiraling down,
Getting tired of the throne.
Gauze and gargle,
clots and codeine.
Where wounds heal,
violence fill the void.
a beacon of hope.
A crown for the headless king,
asleep in the depths of his saliva slicked cave.
Clasping and grasping,
an imposter of the highest caliber.
Remember that night you called me crying?
At one in the morning 'cuz things had turned violent?
I picked up even though it was late
And it was a school night
I needed my sleep
But I stayed on the phone and calmed you down
Crushed all the rumors circulation around
Never could you extend the same courtesy
Get everything off my chest in a text and press "send"
Expecting some advice or an "it'll be okay"
Instead I get back one letter
Not even a sentence to comfort
Let me turn around and do the same thing
You'd have no hesitation in calling me selfish
Cold hearted, accusing me of being jealous
As if you could handle a walk in my shoes
As if you know half of what I've been through
Remember when I said that I had feelings too?
That I wasn't just a human form of a diary for you to use?
Like I have all these thoughts and emotions bottled up inside that you haven't once considered or asked if I was fine
Scenarios circle in my head
Late at night I replay all the things we said
Entire conversations, beginning to end
Perhaps I think too much
But that doesn't change
The fact you never want to listen to me
If you're gonna play it like it's every man for himself
I have no problem never asking you for help
I have no problem hitting reject
On the phone when you call
I could be reading instead
And by reading I mean a book, not one of your long texts
140 characters describing how bad your life is
As if you don't have a roof over your head
Parents who love you, a nice warm bed
I'm not saying you don't have problems, everyone does
I'd never put mine out there
I know how you judge
You'd tell me I'm insecure
Or to just grow up
Never once considering what I'm going through is actually tough
Does that jeweled crown from your head need to fall?
To convince you I'm imperfect yet worthy?
I don't care if you're the queen of your world
You can't judge my path unless you've walked my journey
I'm not your personal therapist
Never will be
Here's the key
Boobs boobs big or small. Boobs boobs I love them all. Boobs boobs comes in a pairs, Boobs boobs need love and care. Boobs boobs rest a sure take good care as there a lovely pair , Boobs boobs keep them warm ,boobs boobs , crown jewels to be admire ,so i take good care DANIEL