His mother abandon him.
Wasn't aware if his father knew of him.
And many questioned, why a child's cried?
He see children's of his age laugh.
But in his eyes you see him depressed.
He pretend to be.
While he far from happy.
And a child cried.
Lingering for his mother's love.
He never knew her.
Mostly made up images of her.
Least when others asked him about her.
And a child cried.
Releasing the hurt he holds inside.
People speculate on his reasons.
Or states he's in need of medication.
But doesn't that says something about all of us.
As a child cried.
While hoping for a life of happiness.
Cold, alone......... scared.
My body aches from fighting.
I won, but at what cost?
Revenge shouldn’t be the answer.
They took her life, my true love.
I’m crying, crying like I’ve never cried before.
A life for a life, but at what cost?
I became the person, I set out to destroy.
I’m a monster, a creation the devil himself devised.
I’m alone, cold, and nothing to cling on to.
I have nothing........ nothing.
There’s only one thing for me to do.
I’m picking up my choice of death.
You’ve done the most evil thing imaginable.
It’s time for you to go.
I’m taking you with me, back to where you came from.
Forgive me Father, for what I’m about to do.
I’ll see you in a few seconds.
Five....... My heart is beating fast.
Four........ Sweat is covering my face.
Three........ My heart is beating faster.
Two........ Hello love, good to see you again.
I had a nightmare
There were Al-Qaeda babies crawling in my room
With turbans on their heads
I know it sounds racist, it's awful, totally sick
but you gotta believe me
These Johnny Jihads were glowing in the dark
And I sensed bombs in their brains, saying gooooo geeeee gaaaa-gaaaa!
I've never been so terrified in my life
I had to leap over them, they were so fucking real
Any moment they'd explode
in a thin blood step of suicide
and Al-Qaeda day care
It wasn't just that
I knew the evil they'd become
Let me tell you how I got in this awful mess
I had this crazy idea
about confronting evil
Rwanda, genocide, all that shit
In all the books I could find
I thought I could make peace with the world
If I just cried my guts out
ship-wreck some snot mess, you know what I mean
Well, I guess the joke's on me
I needed a nightmare to tell me
There's no truth in evil
There's nothing to find
When it's all an illusion to begin with
Just like that nightmare
What a lesson that was.
I'll always remember those Al-Qaeda babies
They really saved my life
As twisted as that sounds
And yes, it's a true story
If you don't believe me...
Then God help you,
And you'll meet those Al-Qaeda babies.
I wonder if anyone will laugh at my sick sense of humor. That'll be fun to see.
September warmth is in the air,
That playful tapping
Of the breeze
As it winds its way
Through the laurel trees
That line Eastwind,
Up over the cobbled stone
Of Mr. Willow's
Sarsparilla Soda Shoppe.
And there he is,
Outside his storefront
Sweeping away leaves
And late afternoon
Jabe's running around
Like a bobber,
Up and about the yard,
Kicking at the nectarine tree
And demanding it
Drop its sword
And Annie tells on him
Pointing all the while,
Letting Momma know Jabe's
Gonna get himself hurt
Again if that tree
Ever gets mad.
And Dad's outside
Cleaning the windshield on the car,
Eying every streak he misses
And then giving it a name
I'm not supposed to ever say.
He hits the car again
With the garden hose
And washes her off,
Suds and soap splashing
Against the concrete
Of the driveway
As Momma hollers out
At Jabe to get his rear end
Back in the house
And get himself ready.
I go in and change my shirt.
It's hot, the best kind of hot,
And the sky is clear,
And the Summer air smells
Like a barbeque. The best
Parts of Summer always seem
To come when you're heading
Into other things - and if you
Don't keep your wits about you,
You'll miss 'em. They'll just
Wisp away like dew in the
Morning. So I get a clean shirt,
Change my shoes,
And grab my sweater
And head out.
And there's Momma holding
Onto Jabe's hand, and he's
Not too pleased. And Annie
Is holding her SusieQ Doll
And wondering about the fuss,
And Dad's smiling and shutting
The hose off and finishing those
Last few brushes across the
In just moments we're all tucked in,
Windows all rolled down,
Heading up the highway away
From the sun. Momma's got
Her pointy sunglasses on, and she's
Holding her hand out into the wind
Like a movie star. And Dad's
Shifting gears and putting his arm
Around Momma, and I see
Airplanes taking off not too far away
In an open field, those kind you pay
Three dollars for a ride on, and
They swoop you over the town
And you get to see everything lit up,
And you get to puke in a paper sack.
But that's not where we're going.
Dad just drives right on by, and
We watch as the planes and their
Pilots and the little fat kid with the red
Hair disappear into the haze.
Further up the road the lights of the town
Gently flicker away, and the sun
Rests over the horizon, and stars
Peek out overhead one by one, watching
Us I suppose, keeping an eye on the
Shiny not so new car with the three
Streaks across the windshield Dad
And the wind picks up just a little,
Still warm, still alive. And I stick my head
Out the window just to get the wind rushing
Across my face, through my hair.
Nothing like wind racing through your hair,
I thought. And I was right.
The horns brought me back to reality,
And up ahead I saw cars waiting in line,
And there was laughter, and the long
Tall green wooden fence lined the road
Half way to forever and back again.
Inside giant white unpainted signs
Stared at you, and as we pulled up
To the old man smoking on what was
Once a cigarette, he asked how many
And Dad said two adults three kids
And the old man peeked at us inside
And Dad paid a few dollars and we drove
Inside. Slowly, up and down and up again,
Like a sea of black asphalt. And Annie
Dad finally parked, and the car was
Facing up, like it was reaching up
Into the sky, except that the big white
Signboard was in our way. And outside
People were happy, had their radio's on,
Jumping, running. Other kids were there,
And we wanted to get out and run around too,
But Momma said hell no. And Dad kissed Momma
And got out and left us, and the dark grew,
And I breathed in the scent of hot dogs and
Cotton Candy and Popcorn and Pretzels and
French Fries and Hamburgers and it was
Seemed like forever since Dad had left,
And Momma got out and hoisted up a metal
Box onto the back window right beside me,
And then she got back inside and closed her
Window some. Annie asked Momma what
We were waiting for, and Jabe shoved his
Sling-Shot into my ribs and said "Stick 'em up."
And I took it away and tossed it into the front
Seat, and he cried.
Then the giant posterboard lit up some, and
Mentioned a snack bar, and I wanted to go.
After that they showed a Popeye cartoon,
And Dad made it back in time to give us all
Something to eat, say shut up, and take his seat
I'd never seen a screen so big. Never knew Popeye
Could punch Bluto and still be nice to Whimpy.
And we laughed, and the warm wind tapped against
The car, and radio's quieted down, and everyone
Was drawn to the giant picture. And we laughed.
Annie and Jabe were both asleep by the time
Dorothy made it back home. And she was telling
Aunty Em all about where she'd been, what she'd
Done. And they rolled a bunch of names,
And Dad said so how'd you like the drive-in?
And I stared at the big screen with bright,
Wide eyes, wanting more,
I didn't want the words to stop,
The story to end.
All I said was that's the biggest tv I ever saw.
And it was. And I was right.
And I guess that's when Dad
Had to laugh at me again.
Copyright © 2012 Richard D. Remler
What a beautiful thing
Back when Papa was a super hero
Mama tucked you into bed every night
And getting high, was something you did with a swing
Everything was exciting and new
Imaginations ran wild
That run down shack in the woods?
A castle, perfect for games of war
Adolescence was miserable
Such a horrible time
Papa wasn't there; the bar was his domain
Mama smoked to much and cried herself to sleep every night
And pills were popped every night, just to survive
It was so hard to find a smile
Everything seemed empty and fake
And that shack in the woods?
Used now only for the least personal kind of date
High school's end was a blessing
Though its a surprise you made it out alive
Papa was gone, he never even called
And mama was drunk, she couldn't handle it all
Living such a burden, so hard for you to do
Life seemingly hopeless, no joy around for you
So you went back to that shack in the woods, for the very last time
And left this world behind you, one pill at a time
I’m so tired but mostly from you
I am tired of other things too
By other things, too
You are not the only thing on my mind
but you take up most of the vacancy
and everything else is pushed to the sides and pressing against my ears
christ I can hardly hear
I am so sore but I keep walking like my shoes aren’t too tight
like my dress looks fine
like it’s not riding up the back of my butt and exposing my ass for all the city to see
this is not happening instead I am busy slideshowing myself
the first time we met then the second time we met
then I am fast forwarding to when we first had sex and how I was so loud
your grandma hated me after that
I am so busy but the papers keep stacking
and I’m just some filthy college slut who can hardly handle her final critiques
all I want to do is call you and hope you’ll eagerly pick up
or even want to pick up
or even pick up
but instead all that is between us is a missed call that I can’t take back
and a bunch of papers that I have to examine with amazing skill
I know I don’t have
I should get my priorities straight, the bathub is grimy
my nails are bloody
my grandmother is sick
I am not a kid anymore and you are not my boyfriend
and what we had was really quite terrible and how
dare I sentimentalize a kiss on the cheek or a squeezing of hips to mean
that you promise to love me eternally how dare I act as though I am fourteen
with braces of steel and a heart made of mush and a brain filled with lies from
dramatized shows flickering in my room in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and my periods heavy and my arms are too fat along with my thighs and I’m thinking of true love and when I’ll get that
It’s quite hard to concentrate
the cement has cracks
my forehead is sweaty and my face is red
it is hot outside and wish you were here to lick the sweat off my chest and boldly say
“does that feel good baby” but you’d say it in such a boyish way but I would still get turned on but I hate you now because I am too busy for you to be all over my mind when I have other things to do it’s all your fault if I fail out of college it’s all your fault if I don’t get the masters program I wanted and it’s all your fault I can’t concentrate at all
the sky is gray and work is shitty and the missed call is still pending and blinking and buzzing on your phone
I’m sure you notice it and I’m sure you’re home and free and able to see that
calling me back would make me happy
I shouldn’t have called I shouldn’t have called I shouldn’t have called god!
you haven’t been in my bedroom in over a month
and I haven’t cried either
and I haven’t gossiped about you to any of my friends
the paint is wet on the canvas
and my jaw is clenched
and I am thinking of you and that is all
God how could i be so selfish?
to completely turn you away, like i did?...
thinking i didn't need you...
knowing when i got YOU is the only time i ever have everything ill ever need..
guess nobody really knows what they need the most until you've finally lost it..
when i loose you i only fall deeper into the wreck i already am without you.
your every thing and i missed it...
all the times life killed me inside,
all the times when i cried out desperately for just ANYONE to listen,
without being shut down.
instead i gave up on you ...
the times when the one i looked up to left me and i felt hopeless i wish i would have known sooner that turning away from you was like loosing myself
i needed you then...
i need you now
now i know without you im nothing that my heart is broken without you.
i need you God.
"It's cool"!? Are you kidding me? Do you know how many times you have lied to me in the past? I have trusted you from day one! All you do is come back and hurt me, then leave and hurt me more! Do you have any idea how many times I have sat down and cried because of you? And "It's cool"? You have got to be kidding me. Just when I thought that I was possibly falling for you. Huh. Life is so fucking ironic isn it? Well Fuck you! Just go! Don't talk to me anymore. Because I'm finished. "It's cool." What the fuck you think this is!? You sound just like him! You and Andrew both think the world is under your feet. Well it's not! I am not your play-thingy. I'm a human being! I cry, I feel pain. And "It's cool"... Well that hurts a lot. I hope you read this and learn from your mistakes. This time I mean goodbye when I say it. "It's cool." No... It's not...
He felt that he did not look in mirrors enough, so he looked now. This is what he did not see: that he was on his third wife and fifth mistress. Nor did he see that both were strong -- stronger than he had kept before -- but not so strong that they could last much longer. He saw a face crashing slowly into tomorrow, but the cause of its crumpling was another. The cause was his wife: shrewish and callous, constantly turning tears into anger and grinding their shrill shards of glass into his skin to cut wrinkles. He did not see his hypocrisy, the fact that he had lain on his mistress' lap and cried the same tears last night. All because of being misunderstood, neglected, and -- this one unstated -- unable to find a still-younger woman for a new affair. After picking something from his teeth he inspected his hairline. "Not so grey."
"No one wants you here."
"You don't belong."
"Go kill yourself, freak."
The words turned to razors she dragged along her worthless skin.
She cried her heart out to her pillow as the moon watched on.
She held her head high as she ignored the whispers from the hall as everyone whispered about her trip to the hospital.
"Too bad she didn't finish the job."
'Yes, too bad.' she thought.
Down through the silence of the dinner table as her mother glanced in distaste at her scars and her father ignored her.
'Don't cry. Don't fucking cry.' She repeated like a mantra as the boy she had trusted,
Had told everything,
Announced her secrets to the entire school.
"No wonder she wants to kill herself."
She couldn't tell if she was being sympathetic or not.
As she finally took a long walk off a short pier as everyone had instructed her to.
Deep breaths of salty water
As the depths of silence gently surrounded her .
She smiled serenely as the ocean lulled her to sleep.