i tried to quit weed
but each morning i wake up from sleep
it's calling me
i walk through the house
today i'll be alright without it
and i'm drowsy
make some coffee
have a cigarette
take a shower
that this will be the day
i don't pull the lighter trigger
and watch the flame ignite the green
and make it turn orange
and watch smoke whip down
around the corner
and up and under
into my mouth
and back out
then i decide
that it's time
to give it a try
because i did all i was supposed to do
with my day
that i could have
to make it better
and then i feel real real light
like a feather
and i start feeling clever
and optimistic again
it's like i have a new friend
he greets me again and again
so i guess ill quit smoking
the day he dies
which in my eyes
will probably be longer than me
which makes the answer
to how long itll take me to quit
that's called a soul mate
a life partner
and even though i've known him
for years and years
i feel like i learn something new
every time he blesses me
he's so kind
that bud of mine
Aboard the boat
Above the blue
Across the sea
Along comes me and you
Among the waves
Around the corner
At sunset, you were what I was looking for
Before you give me your coat
Below the docks, whisper sincerely, "I love you."
akin to forgetting the social security password
the ideas are locked away from themselves
the couples making out in the corner
weren't aiding me in this
as two hearts were broken
just outside the window
leaving a feminine dress damp from tears
and masculine jeans leaving the scene.
the pen is getting colder
and the page naked with a word
at the head.
pages were flipped, lines were read
but none were the fitting key for this lock
and after an hour of staring,
flipping pages and reading lines,
i left the table,
giving up, perplexed
and the page read,
what is love?
ive been up all night
playing this over in my head.
i had a good day.
i hadn't thought about you once.
but then i looked up.
you turned the corner,
i turned red.
the hair on my body stood up.
i wanted to scream
or punch you right in the jaw.
i watched you notice me.
the corner of your mouth crept up,
you looked me up and down.
you were taunting me.
i think you laughed a little.
i swear i could read your mind in that moment.
"ha, i broke you.
i can see it all over your face."
he looked at me
as if i were in a million tiny pieces
or my skin was melting
making a mess on this floor
right underneath the both of us.
and you were gone
before i even knew how i felt about it.
but that's how it always went, anyways.
Oil on canvas c.1926
I suppose the catalogue tells all
about this painting on the wall.
It had pride of place
in some private collection.
Now, shielded by an electronic guard,
deemed precious, it’s unusual and large;
an early work, when (she said) ‘I was
full of painting those around me’.
Here they are, my Warwicks:
Joe, Enid, baby Paul
and just in the corner
Auntie Liz, Joe’s unmarried sister.
They are substantial folk
these Warwicks, and have
eaten here a substantial tea.
The firelight’s purple shadows
make a mask of Joe’s wind-scoured face,
and next to the milk jug, look,
his great wedge of fingers lie at rest.
Enid, softly centred in woollen cream,
a wide-eyed Paul on her wifely knee,
seems to gaze beyond her motherhood,
to Northrigg Hill and a setting sun.
There is a general daze of repose;
the meal is over and we are replete with tea.
Lizzie contemplates the washing up.
The artist sits across the table,
rests her sketchbook
on the starched, white cloth,
and with a few firm strokes
collects this family’s shapes and forms
as I do now across the electronic guard
to secure a memory print:
no photography allowed.
The well groomed professional takes a sip
from his Styrofoam twenty ounce coffee
He glares at me - his eyes green with disgust
the night before I walked beside the moon
that morning I rose anew, born in flames
The well groomed professional takes a sip
from the corner of my eye I see her
standing waves of gold, porcelain smile
I glare at her - my eyes red with my lust
dancing to the flickering glow of bulbs
she pauses, a breath, Red Eye anyone?
The well groomed professional takes a sip
glaring at the mirror - his eyes black with
I take my coffee and walk out the door
adrift in the cold Richmond winter air
Flowers in my eyes,
You said I had… flowers in my eyes,
But don’t excuse these flowers for the ones pollinated by butterflies or smelled by a child at midday
These are not sunflowers or lilies
These are forget-me-nots, orchids, and black roses,
Saturday night wondering in a sea of whiskey and beer,
You watched a monster
3 times my size
I pushed and kicked
But you watched anyway, saying I asked for it.
Drunk night leads to sober morning
Not far from the scene of the crime
Sore walking towards the mirror watching as I fall into tears at the sight of bruises on my neck
Reliving his fangs and rough lips
I shakily cover up the only evidence to offer
Piss drunk attacked on the living room floor
That’s what you saw
But you didn’t see me quivering in front of the bathroom mirror
Praying my skin could be ripped off
Praying to get his lips off my lips, his teeth off my neck, hands off my mouth, and memory from my mind
You don’t see my fetal positioned body swaying in the back of the lab before chem
Unable to get my fighting and saying no out of my head
Unable to get his face out of my brain
Unable to rip my insides out and fall out of this horrid reality
You can only see haunted words and distracted looks,
Conversations that draw raindrops and words jumbled,
Faint bruise on my neck working as my very own scarlet letter,
You can only see piss drunk girl at high school party
Boy forcing himself on something so fragile and small
Who only wants a piece of the slutty class alcoholic
Even though it was just supposed to be us girls
Even though he wasn’t from our school
Even though none of this was mapped out or planned for me
And with those judged looks
Speak of my poisonous sin
And adulterous nature
Speak of “my fault” and the expected “boys will be boys”
Still you’ll never see
Me running to my vodka to stay alive
Drinking straight from the bottle hoping to overdose and die
Crying for hours hoping my mind will blow but it never does
Looking at every boy as a threat
Seeing my reflection hating every curve and corner
Because after three violations on my body I wonder what I’m doing wrong
Wondering why I’ve been violated
Taking boiling hot baths so my skin will fall off or blister
And the worst is that you will never see
Nights I want to kiss someone
But run because I fear they’ll be rough
Nights I try to erase moments
But can’t because they’re forever ingrained
The day I finally take my clothes off for someone
Without them doing it to hurt me
And all they can notice are the cuts on my arms and hips
The day I stop myself from falling in love because I can’t believe anyone could love me for me
The second I broke into a million pieces and those flowers you see in my eyes were planted by a sexual attack I won’t ever get to erase.
I’m hopeless at putting pen to paper, you know I am.
I saw you sitting at the blue window
as I passed by the chateau yesterday. You didn't look down as you sat perched on the sill like the fragile bird you are. I threw every pebble on the road onto that perched frame of yours. The window was cracked open and yet, nothing perturbed you from your position.
I couldn't wake you from your senselessness; I couldn't see your needs. I admit it, so should I apologize? I always apologize and I am sorry. So very sorry. I wallow in my regrets from time to time.
Your eyes found mine; the image of your loving glance puts me off nightly slumber. No image has disturbed my heart for the longest time.
Ah, time! Has it caught up with us all in this masquerade of waltzing seasons? The beauty of years is worn down each year by our own finite doom. Mary, dear I am afraid. So very afraid. Death is always around the corner.
You sit there
In the corner of my too neat room
Arms crossed behind your head
While I shoot daggers at you
The memories of what we used to be sear the inside of my eyeballs
And I remember how when we would touch nothing else mattered
When we were together we were unstoppable
And I wonder how you ended up in my bed room
After 8 months of having you out of my life you’ve somehow wormed your way back in
After 8 months of living oceans away from you you’ve somehow convinced me we should be friends
After 8 months of recovering from the tornado called you that wreaked havoc on my life you’re back
And you’re sitting there like you own the place
You’re sitting there and your confidence and sense of self fill the room
You look up from your iphone
I’m practically huddled in the corner of my queen-sized bed afraid of what you may do and you ask
‘So there’s no chance of us having sex tonight?’
That's all you have to say?
After the tears
After the fights
That’s what your interested in
I shake my head no
And I hope that will be enough to make you leave
This is my safe haven
This is my home
This is the place I don’t have to hide, usually
I hope you’ll go home
Just stand up and walk away
Tonight you want to talk
You ask me why
Are you serious?!
Did you seriously just ask that?
You drank me up like you were dehydrated and I was the only fresh spring in miles
I opened up to you
I gave you my soul
I shared with you my emotions (the bits and pieces I don’t generally give away)
And you drank them up
You gave me nothing in return
I was empty
All that was left was useless mud
The way I feel about you is not the way you feel about me
So why should I do this to myself
What’s between you and me, it isn’t healthy for me
So, no, we aren’t going to have sex
Finally you get up saying it’s time you should leave
I’m silently thanking God
And as I’m walking you out from the corner of the basement where my room is you grab me
We’re on the dark steps and you hug me
You hold me so close
And for every bit of that closeness that you're holding me next to your body I’m holding my happy dolphin pillow pet
And you hug me
And I touch its soft fur
And you breathe into me
And I remember just how blue my dolphin is in the light
And you’re breathing in my ear and I’m thinking BLUE BLUE BLUE
And you say in my ear that I was wrong
You feel the same way
When we’re together we can move mountains
We can do anything
And you whisper it
Even though no one’s around
And I’m focusing on my breathing and just how blue my blue dolphin is
And you kiss me
And you kiss me again
Then you kiss me once more and I…
I kiss you back
I built a sand castle around myself
I spend hours on each intricate detail
I built the castle the way I dreamed as a child
I made sure it had all those hidden doors
The ones that weave intermittently from one wing to the next
In the tunnels are where I lose myself with my imagination
The castle keeps me safe from the bad guys
I always have a place to hide within these walls
As I lug myself about crawling on my knees
I drag a life time of sorrows worries and needs
They come in journals
Those hard backed limited editions
The beautiful ones you get scared to write in
Because you don't want to damage their perfection
You pick them up from the second hand book store
The Strand on corner of East 12th Street
You, your journal and months worth of reading
You walk into Books of Wonder
From the days you were read to at night as a child
I always believed that stories last a life time
That even in those worn down books
Oh those beautiful ones where you find a love letter
From decades ago
And you carry that book and pass over
The $2 and the stories live on
And the stories of those who bought the book live on
My castle was built with my fair hands
It's weathered almost all storms
I let no one in and it wasn't until
The day that I did
That the ocean of emotion I carried within
Flooded out and drowned us all
Me, those innocent characters and the books
The precious precious books, soaked and blurred
Out to sea we went
© Sia Jane
“We read to know that we are not alone.”