being close to me's too much
i could stay up all night and make so much happen
so why is it i do nothing
wait why is that a problem
its all temporary, permanance will come soon
i've worked to hard as a kid
i hope my dreams come true

that what im about
you go and figure it out
come cryin

You call out for me
and I've called out for you
Feel you down below
slip deep within
inside my skin
I don't need no boy
I need a man
to fill in this whole
make me feel your sin
inside the skin
I love the fight
of fucking the violence
succumbing to win
to keep feeling you
inside my skin
this is how it will begin
Avoid the break
keep you close
you're to close spillin'
inside my skin
I scream out loud
Keep it coming
I won't give in
inside my skin
Beat of your heart
rush of my blood
I know now
like you knew me then
inside the skin
always
craving
you
inside my skin

There is a ubiquitous
fear
that rests in the darker parts of my soul.
There is a fear so strong,
so palpable,
that it controls my thoughts.
It completely diminishes my capacity for
emotion.

My soul,
the negatives of my life,
have been pre exposed to the harsh rays of
reality
too often to be developed now.
There is permanent damage,
never to be undone.

Damage that one can only become
accustomed to.
So, I will live in fear.

I will live in fear of revealing
too much.
I will live in fear of feeling
too strongly.

I will live in fear of any person
that tries to touch my
mangled
heart. I will live in fear of any person
that tries to sift through the
raging
storms in my mind.
I will live in fear of any person that gets close
enough to touch.

I will live in
perpetual fear.
I will live with the reality of my
destruction
haunting me.

I will live in
ruins
never to be rebuilt.

They said she was saved
Sanctified
Oh but she's a hell raiser
the pages in her Bible don't flip
but her hips shake
faster than a whore turns tricks
they say she was baptized
by John the Baptist himself
but she came out to her mother
in a christian book store
her cheeks blushed
pink red
They say she flew with the angels
but seduces demons at night
Gods her captain
but she missed the flight
she didn't wanna fly to close to the heavens
But she kissed her rosary
as she clutched the book of Mormon
the star of David tatted across her shoulder
A hell raiser in the true
saved
Sanctified
But she seduces Satan himself
with the holy water sprinkled over her lip gloss
because her kisses are heavenly divine
The scriptures in her Bible
Have no name
unrecognizable from her pain
Shes just Rose Marie
the daunting seductress
dressed in nuns clothes
Flying in religion
to hide her shame

My eyes probe the mist where it clings to to mountains.
The mountains who stand tall and strong
                                      Who grow darker as they rise Shadows.
They're pitted against the sharp vibrant sky
                                                    That surrounds them, vast, blue, mysterious.
I linger over the glassy river surface  
That reflects the cotton clouds
             And the dark, haunting mountains
             And their huge blue groundskeeper
The river winds and winds,
                            A great thriving knot,
                                                          Untanglable.
That sinks and weaves
And swims
Level with the earth
Equal in grandness
                                                         Acts as home to all
                              All who breath air
All who drink and sleep.
Those who gaze up at towers of green
When the sun is high and summer abroad
They chatter and gather and hunt
They roll in beds of fuzzy moss
                      Growing, growing,
To give life to others
To leave when it's time
                                                        I reach, I stretch
                         My fingers strain
To go there
To escape
So close, so close

                       My hands hit the glass.
The jerk jumps the frame.

I look down at my palette, and see the paints melting together.
I remember when we were like that,
colouring the canvas with life.
You were the deep, dark blue of an ocean at night,
and I was the grey of clouds.
You brought vividness to me,
and turned my dull hue to vibrance.
So how did we get like this?
The painter’s brush mixed us too far,
turning our kaleidoscope into a jumbled mess.
Murky brown, and unusable,
unable to be separated.
We’ve become so close our colours have merged
and we are no longer separates.
Wherever I go I take some of you with me.
Dragged across the canvas behind me,
like an afterthought.
The trail of a comet.
A past that will never really leave me
because by now it’s a part of me.
It’s second nature
to think of you when my mind wanders
and to reach for your hand without thought.
You’ve changed me forever
and I can never go back
to a time before you
before us.
But why would I want to?

[or more reasons I want to slap you right across your pretty face]

upon wakening
my brain informed my arm to
tell my hand
to pick up a pen and
tell of your voice

the first time
  i hear your particular  vibrations
your sound waves
  your signals
over the air
i almost drove off the side of the road
...now i have to close my eyes
and hold my breath
trying to hear a silent memory
  stored in a recess of my mind
your voice has a musical quality
   a warm tone
that i miss

this brings me to your perfect, hateful lips
  (really, i could do without all of this nonsense)
this very moment my heart is pounding
   right out of my chest
         my jaw clenched
                 my eyes glaring stubbornly into blank space
                        just because i thought about your lips.

  the perfect lines
the feel of them pressed against mine
  first so soft, like nothing i have felt before
so light and glorious time stands still
   there is nothing but happiness
until there is also heat
   and time quickens
     while kisses slow
        contain more pressure
          more need
            and nothing exists
               but you and your lips.

i want to slap you
   for informing me of your jogging habit
my imagination is quite active
   and the last possible thing i need
is the sun...
   glinting on your hair
       on your stupid muscles
i mean, seriously?
i've almost run down 18 men
  that look nothing like you
because of this insanity
   that has saturated my brain
my nerves
   my emotions
      my instincts

never in my life
   have i been slammed
with such desire
   knowing exactly
how to end this madness

but forced to remain still.
regulating breath.
letting words flow
trying to calm the mind.

but my body wants to m o v e .
my heart wants to explode
my breath wants to quicken...
my voice wants to escape...
my nails want to claw...
my teeth want to bite...

release me from this madness...
   i just want to get through one goddamn day
   one godforsaken lonely night
   without this ridiculous longing

First day of 8th grade sex-ed class,
Sitting awkwardly beside you in my seat.

Closing our math binders in sync,
The health teacher strides in.

"Take out your folders class!" a loud voice booms,
I scramble to find it.

Taking out blank paper to write notes,
The teacher launching into a fast paced lecture.

"Thistopicisveryimportantblahblahnolaughingblah--"
Losing track of the words I stop and look to your sheet and copy,

To only see you have written one word--your name.
You notice me looking as I smirk at you.

I try to hold in the giggles,
Even though it isn't funny.
You reacting the same way.

I look up and catch your eye and I feel my tummy doing turns,
Why do you do this to me?

You look like your blushing but I couldn't tell as we both looked away,
Do I make you feel the same way?

We mirror movements without noticing it,
Life isn't making much sense to me.

I slump in my seat already bored of this lesson and let my hands hang loose,
I then realize how close to you I am your warm breath blowing down my neck.

I can feel you look at me,
Me wavering under your gaze.

You do something surprising,
You slip your fingers through mine under the desk,
Hidden away from view.

I feel myself panicking my breath coming out faster,
Blushing like a cherry red tomato.

I readjust my grip reassuringly squeezing your hand in a friendly gesture.
They say your first love never lasts.

But a girl can dream.

frightening swipes at the eyes
where blossoming from your >
I saw you as a
prophet.

-but then aswesharedourislandsand
dug canals to let the warm stream
f l o w t h r o u g h
the trenches grew deeper and more vast.

crickets fluttering, craters cremating
the sweet, soft life that flowed
underneath?
tempest torn brush me sideways
envelop me in security until the
blank casket
closes
me

Darkness.
mud flowing over my feet
disgusting feces frolicking, frowning
opening a wound of the earth

I am falling.

climbing backwards into the world of
nothing
falling rightleftupdown
the static nest protruding spasms into my skull
patterns of white on black on white
etched into my eyelids

Shellshock twang opens me,
a book,
until I open my feet and close my heart.
Two-way street.

beeping breathing believing
it will all be better
someday.

She lied.
Reset your light and continuXXXXXXXXXXXx



I love you.