"I Suppose if BISEXUAL you are you Chose a Guy since Guys are less Demanding than Girls in Terms of your Career; Less Likely to Demand too much of your Time and less likely to be Jealous thereof. But once the Stars Fade and the Hero Retires.....Then.....Back to HER.
"Or for FAME - Whichever comes First.
Wonderful, Wonderful Technique."
but I'll be able to accept it after a few more shots,
a couple more hits,
and maybe a line,
but as I am in a semi sober state
it is hard to believe.
Hard to believe that you chose him over me,
hard to believe you swoon around him,
and don't bat an eyelash at me.
It's hard to believe he's my best friend
and I'm letting him do this.
Remember on the first day of first grade,
We wore our favorite new outfit and our best smiles.
On the first day of junior high,
We met our best friends and began to search for ourselves.
But through the three years of drama and heartbreak, we started to change.
We stopped caring for respect and did what we had to do to "fit in."
But we lost ourselves through the process. Through the lies and all the pretending.
We lost our virginities, experimented with drugs, lied to our parents.
On the first day of freshman year, we had two choices.
One, to be true to ourselves or two, to do what we had to for popularity.
All though some of us stayed our same loving, goofy selves,
Most of us chose the easier, more "fun" more popular path.
As we began to lose our friends and morals,
We began to gain rumors and titles.
Growing up was never meant to be like this.
Yet we let it control us and within that, we lost ourselves.
Once I dreamed of a future heaven
Where all the angels since creation
Joined together and offered each spirit
One wish upon the podium of the mightiest kingdom
And I chose to focus the great spotlight
Across the massive audience of faces
I shined my light over many turning heads
Until I found her there shy and selfless
This gentlest and most angelic creature I could imagine
We hugged for long moments and I took her to the front of God's witnesses
This angel who made my life something of worth
Who never forsook me through all my years on earth
Making sacrifices for me every breath of her life
Performing countless expressions of love.....
And I wanted her to know what she meant to me
So when we finally arrived back at the podium I bent my knees
To the most unassuming soul in all creation
I respectfully shouted to God far up and behind the podium
Please bless this dear most kindest spirit that clay ever wore
The only one who would have given her life for me
Because she did.....oh yes she did....she did....My God.....
This Mother did!!!!! UNFINISHED!
I've made so many mistakes
They could equal the freckles on my body
That's a lot
And I've screwed up so many times
That they could equal the entire galaxy
That's a lot too
But I can't keep doing this
Not to you
You're too kind for this
You are much nice than I am
I'm not sure why you chose me
Or why we are together
I mean, it's like a lion and a tiger
They are opposites
And nature didn't intend it
But when they are put together
Something beautiful happens
They get a liger
And that's pretty special
don’t you know i’m in here?
don’t you want me any more?
you say you want me
you chose to have me
why do you torment me so?
i was planned for after all
(to patch a failing marriage)
though you seem distant from my father
(but planned for nonetheless)
and now you fight me with your addiction
(as you second guess my life)
you drink away your sorrows,
filling my liver with liquid poison
perhaps not caring
what you could do to me.
my brain is like a sponge.
it soaks up everything you give me.
but unlike a sponge,
i cannot wring it out
and make it clean again,
no matter how hard i try.
and now i must fight
the battle of your addiction
for the rest of my life,
because you could not
bring yourself under control
when i needed you the most.
I choose to be alone.
But I never chose to be lonely.
And I plead for you to realize the difference.
I am alone,
when there is no one there to comfort my body.
But I am lonely,
because there is no one there to comfort my soul.
I can't be patient for any longer because I've been waiting for too long
Everything I've ever done feels worthless and like a disaster
I don't know who will love me when things get bad
Because things are bad
And the people that I need the most are too far away or too consumed to notice
To notice that I'm drowning in a sea of misery and paranoia
My breaths have become shorter and my pupils are dilated
I gaze into other people's eyes and I see nothing
A long time ago, I made a conscious decision to see nothing
And now I'm blind
But with blindness comes increase sensitivity of my other senses
So now my tears fall down my face and they feel like acid on my skin
Every whisper falls into...
This isn't living
This isn't life
Because life happens and this is something else
This is bigger than me
This is something that will still hover over my head when I wake up
And it will haunt me till I go to sleep
The worst part is that I don't know how to effectively cope
With everything life has bestowed upon me
So I'm left on the curb
Staring at a finish line
And I'm paralyzed
I'm alone with the thoughts and the voices that brought me to this state of recklessness
This state of unrevealed truth and blanketed wounds
My feelings aren't gone because I chose to share them
Shared they were, but only two people recognized the cry for help
I was transparent and found
But we're all too lost
And I'm too broken to win another battle
Weight is on my chest and I'm bitter over someone
I have been in a dark place for so long, that I've forgotten what light looks like
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop crying
I don't think I'll ever stop crying
These droplets will forever fall from my grayish irises onto pavement and rocks and nothingness
Pain doesn't go away
Pain becomes me
I am tired and I cannot sleep and I'm afraid of what the future holds
Because at moments like this
I question the existence of a future
"I drank coffee, and read old books, and waited for the year to end"
But I've been doing that for 6 years, and I'm tired
So I need to be held and helped by someone or something
I need to remember what sweetness tastes like
And I need to piece together this puzzle called life
There are no leaves on the trees
Don't mistake it for fall
Because the leaves were never there
I need to be closer to love than I am right now
To love that is requited
The love that I've felt before
The love that is sweaty palms and mumbled giggles
Rhapsodies of savior
Help me save myself
Time heals everything
Hate turns to love
To realize you had something
Time turns a gun to a dove
I'm sorry's are pushed away
Even though you want it more than anything on earth
Apologies are full of grey
I'm sorry's no longer have any worth
I was compared to a simple, deadly car crash
Was told life could be a ride
Until I caused that bash
I was compared with a metaphor with very little pride
I took those five jobs
Chose work over love
I mimicked those snobs
I took that money thinking I was above
What I thought I had is gone
But there is always hope
Love is not something to pawn
What I thought I had had now left me to mope
You told me you were ready, that this was not a huge deal to you. I had been waiting a long time for this to happen and you told me you were ready, so i believed you until i stepped one foot in the door and i could see the fear deep inside your corneas. That fear has been resonating there for the past few days, knowing that you had lied to, not only yourself, but me as well. You were not ready for this but you told me otherwise. So i took you out to dinner and you did not eat your food, you even had the audacity to tell me that i was making you nauseous, that you were holding back vomit. So i told you that if you were that scared i would just go home but you insisted that i stayed. We drove back to your house and i laid on your couch and you cuddled up next to me. I knew in my head that you were not ready so i did not try anything. I wrapped my arms around you and we watched the movie together. But at the last second, before i left, you kissed me. And all hell broke loose after that. I felt as if i stole you away from your body, stole you away from the things that you are comfortable with. I felt guilty and angry that I was the one you chose to be your first. You were not ready for this and i could feel your body trembling underneath of me as if in agreement to what i was thinking but i let it happen anyway. And if there was any way that i could reverse what happened and never meet you in the first place, i would do it in a heartbeat. i broke your heart and i was your first. I think i'm more broken about this than you are. But the thing was, you never really kissed me. You did this because you were afraid to lose me. As if giving yourself to me was a form of glue, that if our skin touched together we would become inseparable but that is not how this works. You kissed your fear instead of me.