Insomnia, my greatest enemy, dearest friend has come along to visit again.
She appears at my bedside each night and waits beside me as the darkness encroaches.
My comforter is thick and warm, inviting toward her, she comes next to me, I can feel her above me, whisking the tired feelings away.
She slips into the corners of my mind and takes my body for a ride, just lying there for endless hours, waiting for a sign of sun.
I am sweating but the dark is far too cold to relieve the covers of their duty.
The darkness is thick and cold and chills my bones to the core as I stand up.
I have become far too restless just lying and I need to move, Insomnia what is your purpose?
Three am showers have become a habit, almost like a ritual as I take the walk down the hall trying hard not to make a sound.
The door creeks as I open it, my feet freezing on the tile floors as I step inside.
I strip my sweaty thermal off my back, a difficult task because it had begun to stick to my skin.
I turn the water to the highest temperature, even that won’t be hot enough to escape the dark chill in my bones.
As I wait for the water to become satisfactory I count tiles like I have so many nights before.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28…
Tonight’s magic number, the water has become slightly shy of scalding and I step in and just feel.
Sensations over run my body, rigid from the sudden change in atmosphere
Relaxed because the heat feels good
I give in and take a seat on the warm, stark white surface
It feels good to just sit in the haze of vapor
Insomnia loosens her grip as the water makes me number than I was before
The water goes cold; I suppose I have sat too long pondering my woes and worries
So I stand which is quite the task, the same each night
I turn off the water absorbing the last of the heat and savoring each second
I step out and go through the motions of drying myself
Begin at my hair and work toward my toes
I put on sweatpants and a new t-shirt
I brush my hair
The door creeks open once more and I return to my room
My bed welcomes me and insomnia has left my bedside, finally tiring from fighting my body, off to infect another I suppose
Good night, until tomorrow my dear friend, great enemy.
Sometimes I like to be random. I guess my whole life’s been pretty random. I don’t like to think before I speak. I sometimes start my sentences mid thought... My dad hates that. I like to go swimming at night, and have breakfast for dinner. Sometimes you have to change it up. Because mundane is boring. And before you know it, you’ll be too set in your own ways to change anything. Girls are confusing. Boys are oblivious. And generalizations suck.
I like to change it up because sometimes the only thing you can control is what you do. That doesn’t seem like much, but its more than what some people have. My favorite color is green. Once I taught myself the entire alphabet backwards... just because. I have a stuffed Unicorn named Sparkles and he is a boy. I bought him for myself last week.
I like change, but crave the routine. Weird isn’t it. Well weird is pretty accurate for a girl who likes Nickelodeon more than MTV. Netflix with my dog and parents more than parties. Sometimes I even go to late movies... With my mom. Then again sometimes, I just like to be random.
You were always good at hiding things
Made me think twice about that wedding ring...
Nervous laughter changing the topic
But your interest in my life was microscopic.
Honey how was your day?
I saw you holding hands with someone that wasn't me.
Yes. I know you'd never betray
There is a good reason
and my heart defends this treason.
My eyes overruled in disbelief
as I watch you smirk in mischief.
I'm falling trap to your charms,
and willing to risk that pain
Hoping my love will change
I tend to go through life
friends want to hang out with me
but I always find an excuse
I started blocking out the world
when society banished me
because what I am is not
what they expect of me
I never know what's going on
because at least then I'm not missing out
on everything I could have in the world
as long as I go without
I refuse to change the way I feel
for a standard set by society
you'll never understand my struggle
so please just let me be
A smile says a million things.
A frown shys away from the world.
My tears bring a billion together and we can make some type of change.
My every move spells "I love you."
Your every word says "I don't want you."
Your smile says otherwise.
You know this.
So why not just confess you love me too?
I was searching my pockets for a story to tell my daughter on the night before Thanksgiving when she was looking especially nineteen, shouldering the immeasurable weight of being nineteen, and I couldn’t find one with a good three-act structure, but I started to tell her about the kind of vaguely existential warm knot I always used to get in my stomach when I went home from school for Thanksgiving, and how I couldn’t decide at the time whether it was happy or sad, but now I knew that it was happy for certain, and when you think about how once things change they are not changing back it can be kinda heavy, but you don’t have to think about it too often, and we had this new recipe for cranberry sauce this year and you don’t even have to get up early to watch the parade.
When I went downstairs at nine the next morning to put the turkey in the oven, she was smiling in front of the TV, sipping a cup of black coffee with her dad.
Today I made a sad attempt to die
yet I had no rope
To make my thirteen loops
like an old man showed me to do
I thought about where I could find enough
to hold my body above the ground
Where my feet just barely touch
my hands limp beside thick thighs
Failing at my attempt at life
there seems no better time
When I have no hope
this is costly and for naught
I've nothing to offer here
and I have no want to
No being pulled apart and shoved beneath the rug
yet I lack motivation and drive
Even in this
so no progress will ever be made
I made a sad attempt to change my life today
I want to be appreciated
I want to be adored
I want to know that when I speak
My words are not ignored
I'm sick of how I'm treated
I'm sick of being put down
I'm sick of working hard all day
For nothing but a frown
I need to feel important
Maybe just this once
I need to know in someone's head
I'm more than just a dunce.
I know that I deserve more
I know I'm treated wrong
But I know no matter what they do
I'll continue to play along
I wish I could be better
I wish that they could see
All the things that I have worked for
And earned the right to be
Why can't it ever be enough
Why can't I just win
Why can't I feel like just this once
It was worth it to begin
Maybe things will never change
Maybe you just are what you are
It might just be my fate to know
That I will never be a star.
Eleven Weeks. Is that all it took?
To take us from strangers, to
lovers, to strangers again? I knew
you for eleven weeks yet it felt
like a life time of memories.
Eleven Weeks. Is that all it took?
For me to break every rule of
love for you? To let down my guard
and make you the exception?
Only Eleven Weeks. For you to
become the most important person
in the world to me. For me to become
so co-dependent on you that the
thought of you not being near made me ill.
Eleven Weeks to go from a strong, independent woman to a love sick fool.
Eleven Weeks to sell my soul and give you everything you wanted from me.
Eleven Weeks to lose who I was because I thought you were so great.
Eleven Weeks to rethink my previous notions about love and affection.
Eleven Weeks to become the loneliest I've ever been.
It's not a lot of time and the simple fact that
Can change who I am at the core of my being is not okay with me.
Twenty one years being who I was.
Eleven Weeks to tear it all apart.
I don't know what to write or say, my brain is losing its own mind, and my heart lost its way.
Summer started and I crashed into a whole new dimension of sweet intoxicating freedom. But the perfumes were overwhelming and I was scared with all this boundless time.
I searched for friends, but they were no where to be found. And because of this change, I took it out on the one person who never left. Badgering him to be something he wasn't. I was bored and done. Lost in love and wondering who I had become. He was gone to, for some of the time. I knew not what to do, or where to go, or who to even talk to. I felt like a caged animal who had finally be rereleased into the wild, forgetting how to behave its natural way. I withdrew into my security and fought the outside for it kept trying to kill me. I had let my hair run wild, and I didn't wake up till about noon. I was lost, and I felt like a bum off the street without a job. And I struggled to figure out who I was and what was my purpose in life, especially that right now. Right now when life seem to be drifting by and I had all the time in the world, but had nothing to fill it with.