My dress appeared vulnerable
tangled between flowers and weeds
beside tangled legs
below a tangled mind,
trapped between fate
and heart strings
fragile enough to snap
with each passing gasp
and rushed breath.
Your hands held blood
as it poured from my pores
that never had a chance to clot
between my severed veins and skin.
Exploring my body like a map as
uncharted as the universe;
held down by gravity
pulling me toward something deeper then skin.
Encased within walls of bone
cracked ribs
chapped lips
and a fondness as shaken
as your bed on Friday night.
And I know you don't love me
and you're too stubborn to try
so toss me my heart strings and untangle our legs;
I'd rather be alone
then another dress for you to air dry
upon your clothes line for all to see.

I am right, I am crazy. I just want it to stop it from ruining my life. Its just stuck with me forever, there is nothing I can do about it. I fake a smile, a laugh, a moment of true happiness.
    
         There is no true light. Clouds of denial, I don’t remember how to smile a real smile. I just share a blank stare forever. Forever hungry for a way out, but I never find it. It manages to slips through my fingers like crystal sand falling through MY own hands.

I just scowl away from everyone, the people who are my friends are fading. Why cant I stop. Why cant I stop myself and as well as time, so I can just catch up with everyone so I am not crazy anymore, and take back all of what I lost. I want my life back. I will do anything for anyone I just wanna wake up with a real smile and share a few real laughs. If maybe manage a happy ever after.

Whats the point if it anyway. I know I screw up all the time. Well at anytime.
My dearest friend is dying and somehow I feel like its my fault. Like everything is my fault. I feel like a beat down being who just gives up all the time, because not ONE thing will give a chance at what I'm good at.

          I cut at my wrist to see that I am still insane. I want help but I fail at it. Just a young woman wanting just a little sanity. I lost everyone. I want everyone back. I lost my loved one, he was everything to me. The way he laughed and smiled made me smile all the time, laugh all the time. He made me happy. He kept my insanity in its cage, when he left, it broke free.


I don’t wanna be crazy anymore.
          It is destroying every last bit of me,
    and of my lonesome heart.

At the end of your tether
don't know whether to go on
can't  decide if you're sick of hearing
that same old song?

Find some solace
look in the face of your fears
and kiss them goodbye.
Get high
better than being low
because then there's only one way to go
and that's straight to the doors of the place that you know
where the fires burn bright
and the music's alright
out of sight out of mind
and in that place you will find
all those friends, who roamed off and left you
and went off to view
their own personal hell with a view from the windows
of their own private cell.

Well are you at that end
can you really decide if you want to send
yourself there
are you in a fit state to care?

I've been and come back
been stretched out on the rack of indecision
blocked with precision
by the walls of derision
and now..?
..now I'm a regular guy slightly shy
but I get by.
I no longer cry for my God to come and take me
to the woods out the back
and then to cremate me
I have burned and in turn I am whole.

There's a whole lot of living
just got to give
giving it a
chance.

A reflective pattern that god could have painted himself.
Etched on to the edge of sanity, around the curvature of the radio.
Spiced elegantly with the blossoming sparks of burning ash.
Cascading into the sky that withheld no stars.

Slowly implementing the fact that the reflection of the moon was much too overwhelming.
How the strumming of one guitar by Johnny Cash would conglomerate a collection of hopes and memories.
I closed my eyes and smiled a smile that was genuine indifference.
Creating a barrier of sadness and enjoyment all in the same milliseconds as the other.
Battling to take control of my ideals slowly.

Swiftly mocking me with a plethora of destructive creation.
That radiant gesture that I can't avoid knowingly.
Something alike the beauty of the sun paved into the concrete of life.
Although, much more temperate.
Though, just as glorious.

It's a decision that I'm unhappy making.
But is going to have to be made.
Talking of stories that I've got to chance to one-up.
Probably why the whole terminology came into it's fiery existence.

Ins spite of having no water left from which to drink.
I'll wait and watch as the thirst-less quench themselves.
Whilst I save every drop of the seconds that were taken.
For there are many.

About 49 hours.
Was a good estimate.
Of the flourishing god like substance that was the air around me.
Which is something I cherished.

Though must give up.  
It's not a game I'm playing.
So I spoke it angrily stern.
"If you try that, I'll end you."

For even though my time has passed.
I will not let the future be represented by the stories told.
As in the chords I strummed slowly for three hours straight.
How the callouses on my fingertips are enveloped with singing pain that was ever so worth it.

The flames that warmed me and my soul just enough to sing.
To sing a song I didn't know, but knew already.
How the words came to my lips and exited steadily.
Of how the reflection of the moon was to much to handle.
Where one gesture was as glorious as the sun.

How in that meaning the simplified fact remains there.
Entangled in my sleeping bag and in my hair.
How it doesn't seem to get out.
Wanting to scream and flail and run about.

That's why the scent of alcohol was oh so pleasing.
In my mind.
Never came around to devour it.
But it was there.
All because of one thing.
One meaning.
One person.
One simple term.
One subject.
One game.
One time.
One fire.
When I heard "Maybe"

I sit there watching her talk.
To the person she "loves".
Sadly, I watch the clock.
Flying like doves.

I took my hard earned money.
Bought her dinner.
Sometimes sweet isn't honey.
My time is cutting thinner.

Head on my neck.
Slowly getting older.
Chest is on my shoulder.
I'm motionless, like a boulder.

Waiting for something.
I want it and I don't.
If it becomes loving,
She'll say she won't.

Just to be there,
A traumatic event.
Fingers through her hair.
Yet, she had went.

One day was my chance.
I took too long.
The day she danced.
To that wonderful song.

It's a troublesome cycle.
I took too long.

The reason for the expedition had lost its meaning. Everyone was now interested in what they were seeing about them other than that for which we had originally come. The expression on all of their faces seemed to tell the story plain enough but, there was evident a certain degree of conscience which prevailed in them that appeared to override their own personal desires. This I noticed with anticipated concern for after all, if it were not for training prior to the expedition all would have been lost on reaching this point. They would have become irrational like the things they were witnessing taking place before their very eyes.
I looked at them once again and could have easily read their minds but managed to resist the temptation for if I had done so, would have fallen into the same threshold they had. It was just like walking through a dream relating to your own sub-conscious mind mingled with your conscious deep integrated personal desires and screened in your mind with harsh realism. Anyone who had experienced this before and was able to be disillusioned, as I had been, stood the chance of escaping its hypnotic hold on the mind, those who didn't were doomed.
Once in its spell they could witness everything in terms of personal desires; things that happened to them in the past and things that "would happen" to them in the future. The effect of this threshold could also be moulded into the way you wanted things to happen which was the main factor that once caught it was very difficult to get out. Without my help and understanding they would never have been able to re-materialize from a world of irrational feelings and capabilities where time and space were their servants and each one's desires their master as the Fifth Dimension.
___________________­_

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.
You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."
-Morpheus

I spoiled my love for anyone who was foolish enough to attempt loving me after you.
No matter how hard they strived to fill the void you created there was no changing the sad fact that they’d never amount to you.

My heart aches
knowing that they will never stand a chance against you,
the demon who slowly inched into my subconscious.

Your phantom’s caress burns deep into my skin,
leaving my nerves numb to anyone else’s touch but yours.
Your voice entrances me with each syllable to wander,
farther and farther into the pits of my own personal hell.

No one can save me.
For I am far beyond anyone’s help now.
I became my own victim
when I made it impossible for anyone else to fill the hole you created within my heart.