Watching him write on the blackboard
More green than black
I was struck by the deep blue of his shirt
And how crisp the lines were
Folded and ironed
More effort than I care to put into a shirt

And even though I was shivering
In the dark, hopeless blue of
My bulky winter jacket
Sitting in that empty chair
I slid out of the room in my mind
Recalling summer

The windows, now with canvas
Blinds half lowered
Would, instead of frost and condensation
Allow thick, all-encompassing heat
To slither into the room
Our shirts sticking to us

Sweat stains would mark up our
Clothes, like chalk on the blackboard
And our legs would
Stick to our plastic chairs as we
Stood at the end of class, reinvigorated
Voices raised in shared triumph of the overcome

Backpacks would be thrown over our
Shoulders wet and tan and flush with
Heat of the summer season, synonymous with
Hope. Our shorts and bright shirts made the
Room a deafening testament to our
Readiness

For the day.

Not the drip of freeway from Pittsburgh but a rough trundle
on chalk roads as flaxen skies shade to molten celluloid
and I can still see them

flash in August fields like a crop of traffic lights
they flare as hay-bale paparazzi or

floaters in the humour and hang
careless in unseasonable decadence

so I’ll pass from the frigid, processed air
and join them in their closeness.

No buzz but a minor hum coming from the
moment’s luminosity and then they’re gone
making good on thunder’s empty promise.

I'd love to be
Instead I swat every bug
Attracted by the illumination
Of my face by this phone

A cold blooded killer me
Reflexes like a sloth
And the wit to match

A thunder clap rouses and reminds me
That these lines aren't going to finish themselves
And half wake
I bang out a few more
Syllables
Consonantes and vowels
In order to fill
In order to feel
The place between
Rolling thunder

That's nice
Something she meant
And I laughed at the thought
No matter how trite the word
Of never living up to it

Callous
Unforgiving
I exhaust the welled ink
Grind down the tipped lead
Make mockery of sidewalk chalk

And yet you read on
Nice
To " like" this or that
And later compliment my
Change of attire

Nice

We've been tiptoe-ing,
skirting, dancing, even laughing
around this...
for so long...
since our first apartment.

Me: "I'm leaving"
You:   ...nothing...
Then I did.
My Mom picked me up,
and we drove off.
But I forgot
something...
I don't even remember what it was.
Not anymore.
I walked in
and the quiet in the air
was screaming;
I ran down the hallway.
Your body was in our bed.
(It's strange how quickly you and your body separated.)
The bottle on the floor,
and a cat sniffing around for suicide-scraps.

Everything dropped--
stopped--
slowed - -  
                - - d
                       o
                         w
                            n
                                ... and there you were,
                       ending both our lives,
              but only caring
about yours.

I remember the ER's white light;
you threw up charcoal, but missed the garbage can.
All the chalk black/bile
drip dripping down the tiled walls.
I remember pushing the anger down
so I could make room for only loving you.

Selfishness: 1
You & Me: 0

You promised never again.
But dawn brings a new day,
and with enough liquor or marijuana,
anything can be forgotten...
for a while.

We bought a home--
a condo (it's not really home if you share walls with strangers).
And I should've seen it
when I didn't hang up any pictures...
when you punched a hole in our wall...
when I carved into my flesh: "Liar".
I should've realized forever didn't mean anything to you.

Me: smoking
You: drinking
Us: not talking

The police were called one night.
And I can only remember flashes...
You tore my father's shirt, as you were trying to pull me down
to the floor.
I poured the whiskey out
all the way
                 down
                          the stairs...
                                       and out to the dumpster.
But I couldn't pour the whiskey from your veins.

I slapped you across the face,
but the police didn't take me away
because you and me, we said
we should stay together that night.
But none of the counseling sessions or rehab programs
could keep us together.
Not after that night.

The police left,
and among all the clutter
and drunken-fighting-mess,
another empty pill bottle went unnoticed.
30 time-release adderall capsules
in a matter of seconds...

You refused the ER this time.
Instead we opted for half-drunk, midnight, walmart
pharmacy section.
Ipecac and castor oil.
They called security and we had to leave the bathroom;
all the adderall/vomit
drip dripping down the tiled walls.

We both stayed awake for three days.
Me: watchful, with my eyes retreating back into my brain.
You: paranoid, with your eyes crawling out of their sockets.
Us: killing ourselves just to get by.

You promised never again.
Again.
But dawn brings a new day,
and
anything can be forgotten...

Selfishness: 2
You & Me: 0

I'm quitting to get ahead.
I'm tired of being a loser.
Selfishness won out;
You & Me didn't stand a chance.

i once had a friend

we would talk philosophy and things of deep matter

it never felt depressing talking of old ways

invigorating.

i remember in between these conversations we would draw together and laugh at how horrible we both were.

you took my arm once and we went around to look at chalk art.

i looked at you for a moment and the next you were gone.

old souls intertwined.

we were perfect.

i was nervous for what could be of us.

and you are gone.

forced out of my own hand

twisted bent into a new identity one you can make out of a new location.

i never said goodbye.

i couldnt.

I thought my essence
might hang on your hoodie
that I wore to bed
every night

Or maybe our favorite
movies
restaurants
and songs
might sting your eyes
every once in a while

Or maybe a bird would sing
and for one second
your heart would skip a beat
because you thought it was me
singing you whatever tune
was on my mind
like I used to

But she came to you
like the rain
and washed me away
like chalk
on the driveway
after it poured

children are drawing with chalk on the pavement
but instead of laughing and reveling in the child's creative spirit,
I'm thinking of the coming rain and how it's going to wash away the pictures of
suns and flowers and hearts.
god, I'm fucking pathetic.
I leave the residential neighbourhood;
don't even really know where I am, and
I'm finding it hard to care where I'm going.
there's a Buddha figure here, overgrown with moss
and covered by low-hanging branches,
a wild thicket on the edge of the park quite out-of-place in the well-groomed city;
this is where I sit down to cry.
an onslaught of water,
something I hesitate to call tears
because of your jeering hatred
of emotional display;

what are you doing here, Ellen?
        go home.

but I don't know
where home is anymore.

I should have gone to school
not fooled around.
I should have settled down to algebra
Nah..
I enjoyed my lazy days on river banks
I enjoyed the walks through ranks of butterflies
and fish that looked through fishy eyes at me
where I could be the master of my destiny.

Oh foolish child
what wild ride did I take?
I broke the hearts of tutors preferring roller skates and scooters to the formality of education.
No dried out formulae or calculations could tempt this boy
to attend a place where joy sat silently on the back row.
What I didn't know I found out the hard way
the way I knew
too late now to do
anything about it.
I should have learnt to sit and learn
not learnt to swim
or burnt my bridges.

Furrowed ridges on my brow
Now I know why education
should have been
seen as number one.
But life goes on
another lesson learnt
another bridge that wasn't burnt
but crumbled
under years of weight.
I chalk upon the blackboard slate
'could have done better'

I can chalk on a sidewalk
The most beautiful mosaic
I can whittle a tree
Into an intricate clock
I can paint a most
Serene scene
I can draw
A moving image
I can mold
The most exquisite vase,
But when it comes
To the canvas
Of your body
I don't know
What else
I could possibly do
To make
You any more beautiful,
With curves
Challenging nature
I've never lost my cool
At seeing such shapes
Not like how they fit on you,
Your beauty is unsettling
Were I a toddler sorting
Different shaped rods
Your eyes for stars
All your curves for spheres
I could keep going but you must understand
We fit together
Better than K'nex and Duplo,
In body heart and mind...
APAD13 -077 © okpoet