Shifting like a coward back then forth,
I watched my lover vacant.  
His eyes looked at me as if there where nothing else in the whole world.
There was.
And I told him so:

“I do not love you any more.” I said, so confident and proud.

“I swear to god you will not see me in heaven
and I'll find my own heaven somehow.

I value my beer
and my places and dreams
and perhaps some new lovers for now.
And though it may hurt
you cannot calm my screams
and that matters
it fucking matters
you failed!!"

He looked down as if I had just ripped something out of him,
I did.
I loved it so much
and cried like a baby all night
wishing I had him to hold on to.

His jewel was wrapped around my neck like a noose.
I tugged on it to see if he would notice.
He didn’t.
And in that moment I tugged so hard that it broke.
I threw what was left at him.
Broken gems hit the scattered floor.
They where gone.
We where.

I revved my engine and hoped for hell that he would take me back!
He didn’t.
And those eyes like marbles rested comfortably upon his ugly cheeks.
His face all torn up by liquid and hate.  
Then he kissed me so sweetly that I felt like the devil.

I was.

And I knew just then that I would never forget that moment.

Thinking back on the days gone by, when we were together
Intoxicated, young, in the face of stormy weather
So little we will notice
All the troubles that we miss
So carefree, together we grow
Not a care in the world, no...

Without warning, the feeling of having to say goodbye
The fine leaves of cold December started to die
Slight bend of numbers flood through our time
One even reckon on disclosing it was a crime
Quiet, like a calm storm
We slow down, left trails so warm

And blissful days are recovered
You speak for certain, that my flame's not like the others
Why do I sense the other end instead?
Fancy hearing anew, nevertheless

You have altered entirely, fresh you to boast
Never knew today would bleed the most
Convinced that change is what you ever need
Along with your love that mislead

The past is the past for a reason
Perhaps, I should have stayed frozen
Should have just let all the cards unfold
As it may be, nothing is to behold
Cause the past is the past for a reason
Shouldn't look back, learned a lesson

Butterflies on that first date,
Thinking of what
What to say.
My head rambles.
My breath abates.
My voice scrambles.
My face straight.

I think of wide stories
And hope to placate.
I want to pique your attention
With subtle lies and clean truth.
This to be our future's past first date.

We meet
And greet.
Hiding our anxiety
Behind smiles and drinks.
Wading through tension
With humorous winks.
I listen intently
But you catch me stare.
With each soft touch
We calm the air.

Anticipating discovery
I peek into you.
Opening myself
To reveal what's new.

Attract hints of passion
By sharing what's true.
For all this fragile effort
I hope for date number two.

I'm here now
Don't cry another tear
I don't want bloody tsunamis
Rushing the shores of your wrist
Please
No more tears
I don't want you to drown
I need you
I'm here now
Let me be your rock
Holding tight onto your anchor
Keeping you still
Let me be Posiedon
Hold your vessel afloat
Calm the raging waters
No more tears please
Cry onto my pillowed chest
Bury your burdens
Under the flesh of my shoulders
Your the treasure in my chest
All the gold and diamonds in the world
Couldn't compare to you
Yet here you are crying before me
And I'm reaching
Just not touching
I'm helpless to the crashing force
Of your meteor tears
Please no more tears
Let me hold you
Wipe the tears
And whisper some bullshit cliche

The sanguine carry about them a certain air,
Confident, reassured and socially aware.

The choleric stoke their ambitious fire,
Yearning to lead, they seek their desire.

The melancholic are a kind more in touch with earth,
Ponderous, considering everything they observe.

The phlegmatic are quiet as if immersed in water,
Relaxed, cool, too calm to falter.

When the pain becomes unbearable I take my headphones and cover my ears
I turn the volume up to block out their banters

Eric Himan Fill my soul with words that make me feel okay
let your Folk calm the angry waters in my soul

Mother Monster let me know that I am safe
and I should never give up

Adele teach me of love lost
Ke$ha let me party till I feel my body go numb


All of you!

Sing! Sing and be my shield!

Crazy chick that I work with,
How are you today? Calm the fuck down.
You’re a mess - not that anything’s wrong with that.
But you’re in my workspace, which is not your workspace.
Also, your mouth babble, eye gestures and body jerkins seem
To indicate that you wish to communicate; alas, could you
Coherently convey an idea, who would want to receive it?
Please vacate the workspace and return to yourspace.
Have a nice day.

Five sweet memories,
before I can unwind my thoughts,
before I can calm the world,
And justify my afflictions,
The bullet that heals the wound,
Overly aware of my spine twisting on the crooked mattress,
I count

Five.  We’re sitting on the bench in his backyard.
I’m too nervous to move.  
His words are rushing together in my mind,
but I nod gently anyway.  
Gazing at the night sky as he unwinds his past to me.  
He laughs, I laugh.  
He lays his head on my shoulder,
letting his soft hair press against my neck.  
I try to stop time,
Like a philosopher aching to solve the mysteries of human misery,
I have found pure truth and beauty,
but to no avail, time is a burdenous bitch

Four.  
We are hiking in the desert.  
We climb rock after rock, yet my joints feel nothing.  
He points out the best footing for me, and despite being an avid hiker,
I follow along, pretending to be grateful for his instructions.  
At the top of the cliff, we sit on smooth stones.  
Lightning strikes in a far off storm. We ooh and ahh at each blast.  
Flash
Darkness
Flash. A glimpse of his eyes
Darkness.
Flash. His lips
I turn towards him and he turns to me.  Our eyes light with each strike, but the stare holds.
And despite the flashes, we are cast in the darkness of our locked eyelids
Our locked lips
The lightning mixes with city lights and all is bright for a split-second
The numbness wears off, letting us realize the desert has become frigid.  
We race down the mountain, returning to our normal selves.

Three.  He hands me an old putter.
I laugh. He can’t be serious.  
He pulls out another and begins stuffing golf balls into his pockets.  
Shh, he whispers.  
He grabs my hand and leads me behind the house.  
We climb the fence and land ourselves on the 6th hole.  
He pulls me onto the green and drops two balls.
Ladies first, he chides.
Little does he know, I’ve taken many golf lessons
I win the first round.  
And the second.  
He wins the third.  
Two out of three, I declare.  
He mumbles, what do you want?  
I press my cheek to his, wrapping my arms around his waist.  
Inhale, exhale.  
Our lips touch.

Two.  
It’s six o’clock on a Tuesday night.
I am tired from work, putting the finishing touches on my homemade pizza.  
As I slide it into the oven, I hear the doorbell ring.
My brother calls my name.  
I try to pace myself to the door, but I feel as if I’m doing a full out sprint.  
I open the door.  
Orange roses hide his face, and I am the happiest girl in the world.

One.  The night is bittersweet.  
We spoon on the couch, holding each other as tight as possible.
His soft stomach in the small of my back
I listen to his chest, trying to memorize the pattern.  
I try to take in the small details.  
But no, time has never been my friend, and soon we are standing by my car as I try not to cry.
He places his arms around me and pulls me in closer.  
I know I should go.  
I know this might make it worse, he stutters, but I love you.  
And I love him.
And it’s over.
Once again,
I am trying to fall asleep in a hot, cramped room,
knowing that for every thought I think of him,
I am 1,000 thoughts further from his mind.