"Do you love me?" she asked.
It was a question I had worn on my lips for years;
Threads weaved in and out of my soul,
In your killing hesitation
I knew the answer.
You pulled the thread,
As tiny strings fell down,
Scattering on the floor.
Somehow I always knew
No one could ever love me.
I loved that damn boy as a friend
And as a lover.
But he never bothered to love me;
His heart beats
Please don't pretend
That everything is okay.
Do not grab my arm
Or try to hug me;
Do not even bother to look my way.
I know every damn song
That boy ever hummed
And every lyric
Remaining on his lips;
The closer I got
To reading to the lyrics
The further he stepped away.
Farther and farther
My not-so lover,
My not-so friend;
Please do not leave me
My heart beats
For your innocent love.
Please look at me one more time
And fake the love,
Please whisper the soft lyrics
Into my ear.
Good bye my not-so lover
Good bye my not-so friend
I blew you a kiss
With the last breath I took.
August 12, 1993
This is the third diary I have written in
This diary must be famous
So maybe oneday
Someone will hear or at least read my story
By the way my name is Sarah
Weird spelling right?
August 13, 1993
Just heard some bad news...
I can't believe it
16 years old and pregnant!
The "father" is a dead beat
Ran after I said I might be
I can't keep the child
I don't know what to do
August 15, 1993
I wrote my first poem
One of my friends said it would help
I just wrote and wrote
I almost wrote a book
I wonder what I'm going to do with this child
Aborting it would be painful
Giving it up is almost impossible
Having it is unlikely
I have so much going for me
April 20, 1993
Found out one of my friends loves me
He knows I'm pregnant
He said he would help me
He always has a plan
Maybe I can be happy with him
I don't know
I don't want to bring him down
Diary...what should I do?
April 23, 1993
Still no reply?
I forgot I'm asking an inanimate object
To answer a question
I was forced to ask because of my stupidity
I have poor taste in men
I'm now called distastefully
Sarah the 16 year old pregnant whore
My boyfriend is really annoyed with it
I hope I can love him as much as he loves me
April 30, 1993
I cut myself
The girls at school keep harrassing me
I can't take this
I forgot how many weeks I am now
I just want this baby out
I don't want it
It's causing to much stress
Diary...help me please
September 18, 1993
I lost you for a while
Can't believe you were right here
Underneath my bed covered by my favorite shirt
That now I can't wear anymore
I look like a cow
School is horrid
I almost beat one of my teachers with a textbook
He called me "Sahcow"
September 21, 1993
I just got dumped by the man I love
He said I didn't love him enough
That I was wieghing him down
I can't believe this
I haven't stopped crying since 12 last night
Why does everything have to go wrong with me?
Am I that broken?
That big of a fuck up?
September 29, 1993
I have just successfully planned my suicide
The title of this diary says "Diary Of Broken Souls"
It should say "Diary Of Suicidal Souls"
I just read the other 402 other entries
That many people...dead...murdered...by cruelty
Might as well join them
My bullshit is just about the same
October 8, 1993
Halloween is just around the corner
And with it comes my death
No more baby
No more mother bitching
No more father crying at the sight of me
Well the tears will be for a different reason now
I'll write my last entry on Halloween
October 31, 1993
Today is the day
Finally coming to an end
I'll kill this baby first
Swallow a shit load of pain killers
Throw in a couple anti-depressants
Noose is tied just perfectly
I have it hanging over the school entry way
A little memorial for the girls at school
All the students actually
Who have called me names
Criticized me for this shit
Well good bye bitches
Sorry Diary you didn't get to know me
I'll be memorialized in these pages
Somebody will know what it's like
To be 16, pregnant, and depressed from all of it
she left when i was four
no explanation or anything more
it cut me straight to the core
you may think i was too young
to understand but my heart tore
my baby sister she was two
she barely could walk without falling
down onto the floor
now I barely see her
she's growing up too fast
she doesn't remember much of that past
she remembers calling me "Sissy."
And that she loved saying "it's purple."
I remember so much more
The smell of my moms sweet perfume
how she always had these really good cookies
her hugs and her kisses
but that day when she left it hurt me so much
because a girl needs her mother
a mother cannot leave her children
but my mom she was different
she never said "Good bye."
She never taught me to fly
she didn't see Jillian become to beaut she is today
she won't be able to see my sixteenth birthday
or be there for graduation
or my wedding
but whatever at least I have my dad
and my little sister
and family and friends
at least i have you guys/girls
because i know if you were going to leave you would at least say
He didn't wait to say good bye it was easy to run and forget about everything.promise made were never kept it was lie after lie.an other text message to say he can not see me this weekend.
To busy drinking beer all night long my heart was breaking.dads don't hurt you or say you were a mistake that he can not change.i cried he laughed my heart became so cold.
As he walked away he didn't look back not even once I guess he will ruin someone else life.some day he will think about the things he did he'll be alone.drink to forget its all act as if I don't exist.
When I look back I don't cry any more thank you for making me a fighter.each day I get stronger while he grows weaker by the week.walking away was the best thing he did.
When I told you that I love you like a fat kid loves cake,
what I really meant to say was that for the first time in my life, I'm nervous.
I have a kindergarten crush so big I feel like cupid flew an airplane into my heart the moment I met you,
and that this kind of love is the kind that can grow to be so much more
When I told you that I would love you until forever,
what I really meant was that I would always be there.
That God himself couldn't pry you from my loving arms,
and that I would follow you through hell and high water
When I told you I wanted to die in your lap and be resurrected in your smile,
what I really meant was that I want to watch the sunrise in your eyes.
I want to be caught up in ecstasy every time I lay my head next to yours,
and then experience the sunset in every quivering last breath.
And when I told you that I would see you soon,
what I really meant was that I was too scared to say good bye.
That every wish from this day forward would be used in hopes to see you again,
and that no matter where you go, you will always have a piece of my heart.
Two Drinks for Derek
A high five, a cheer
I thought you'd make it
Guess I won't see you this time next year
You seemed so great
Here's two for you
A drink to celebrate
Life and everything else
Ever lasting friendship
To great times and shooting shit
I don't know what happened to you
Good memories and bad times were few
And far between
But I Guess
You can't tell what lies beyond the seem
Your happy go lucky smile
Your sparkling eyes betrayed us all
We know what happened to your Dad 4 years before
We just didn't think that you'd also be found lying on the floor
Brains blown out
Gun on the side
Not a whisper or shout
Not a single letter or note
To say how you really felt inside
Two Drinks for Derek
For everything you do
I'll see you in Heaven or Hell
I just wanna say
I hope your day and life went all according to plan
I won't be at your funeral
Two Drinks for Derek
I Wish you coulda made it
You'll actually be able to say
Here's to you Buddy
I'll see you later
Back to how it used to be
Enjoy the summer's eve
Have a drink on me
On our friendship
I do rely
As days and nights go bye
And for the treasure
You have been in our many lives.
I do bequeath all our moments
To our shared experiences
Near and far
Blown by winds rippling
But always hanging on.
A life time -
Everything there is
Everything there was
Everthing that has ever been.
For that is what you
Mean to me
For all our days and
All our nights
I don't know how/if I would
With our friendship I so
I’ll love you as long as the sea is blue
I remember smiling and leaning into his arms
They anchored me to the world as we watched the waves crash on the shore
Ignoring the calls of the gulls and itch of the sand between my toes
I replied without thinking, just sure of the bond between us in a way
I’d never been sure of anything
Then I’ll love you as deep as the sea
He smiled and hugged me a little tighter in reply
And I thought that I had found it
On the beach of my childhood, my true home
I started to believe in true love
The day we said good bye I drove to the beach
As my chest cracked itself open to pour out
Everything we had been
Into the storm of my tears and the wild wind that battered my car
When I got there the wind had whipped even the sand into a frothy fury
I found our place, by the little cove and fallen tree
It wasn't home without his arms around me
I watched the angry grey waves batter the sand
Overwhelmed by the complete expanse of churning water before me
The depths in the distance were nearly black and capped in lacy foam
As the brewing storm incited the sea
The ever deep stormy grey sea
I thought my heart broke then
but I couldn't be sure, it was with him
Instead, I drove home alone
Knowing only fools thought love could last
3:53 AM in the morning
You came to my house
You knocked the door
You smile at me
Hoping that I will allow you to come in
3:54 AM in the morning
I closed the door
I ignored your knocks
Hoping that you will leave
You came with a dazzling smile
Even the stars couldn't shine as bright as yours
But above all that
You used to hurt me; a lot
Behind that smile
I saw the wickedness
Telling me that you will hurt me over again
Telling me to not to easily give up with your unsang eyes
And my decision is
A good bye to 'us'.
I don't know what more had to happen to push me over the edge
I was at the carnival and I had this vibe, this feeling
I thought I would see J
And low and behold, I did
It was really nice to see her and talk to her
I haven't seen her since May
Okay, this is the part where I get sarcastic
I was really nice to her......
With her boyfriend........
And having their arms around each other
I don't know what hurt more:
Seeing her with him
Or knowing that she would never feel the same
She introduced me to him and I acted cool like I didn't care, even though it was really bothering me
I faked a really good smile
It hurt, but I got through
The best part was when she left, even though I hate to see her go
I didn't have to deal with guilt
I thought I'd be sick
I tried drinking something, but that made my stomach feel worse
Anyway, she waved and said bye to me
It was nice
She hadn't forgotten about me