Of three dimensions
A black hole singularity
A portal between universes
And there are many
Bouncing back and forth
The beginning of the beginning
But only in your heart
Can you know what It is
Why are you crying? You demand, hatred spurting from your eyeballs
stop being so ridiculous
You know what?
Im crying because every damn drop of saltwater is every word I cannot say
I sob when I finally get to my room,
curled up on the bathroom floor because leaking out of my eyeballs is every goddamn sentence I held inside while we were fighting-
All I keep iron lipped locked up lest I destroy everything with the pure gas fire explosions of all these secrets bouncing around the inside of my concrete skin.
And just for a moment,
I don't want to apologize to anyone about
what chemical reactions are firing off in my twisted brain.
I don't want to "work things out" or "talk it through"
or yell or scream or vent to people because no one knows what to say or do except hugging
but I'm all alone in this dark room, dehydrating myself and curling into a ball small enough to fit in your black Chanel purse,
And I don't want you to wrap your stiff arms around me.
That's when I don't want anything more than just to collapse,
to slide into pieces and fold them all on top of each other until I can absorb into something simpler,
something that doesn't have heavy feet sentencing her to a lifetime of traveling these warped roads-
or maybe someone who can deal with the world without turning all of it into a poem?
Some beautiful, skinny girl who doesn't have to fake forgiveness for rides to practice and isn't forced to worry about crossing lines and homework or turn signals or disappointing adults and landing standing tucks and being sharp at football games or homecoming dates and not pissing off my stupid "friends"-
Along with all the other everyday irrelevance that won't mean anything in 25 years.
What do I even care, anyway?
Does anyone actually care?
Isn't it all just bullshit?
But as my phone rings and rings unanswered and my doorbell stays silent
I must come to the conclusion that I am just another human being having the same damn emotions as everyone else and that, in fact,
My friends don't want to hear once again about that fight my mom and I have been waging on and off for about 3 years and how it literally drains my will to live and worms holes in my mental health.
I must not be that girl who pities herself-
the one who lets her watery-gray sadness spill over the sides and splash into other people's laps, bringing down lighthearted conversations on the quad about homecoming dresses
For God's sake, Gabrielle
keep your shit to yourself.
Splash your face with water, spray a little febreze, fetch your plastic bags and fake smiles.
No one likes a bad smell.
- we are sitting on a bench near an office complex.
2. you are opening and closing my eyes like a valentine’s day card.
3. the cheap, themed paper slips we handed out as children.
4. you are pulling me apart, but i don’t unravel, i rip like fibers.
5. a heart shaped sticker, a seal without the saliva.
6. sometimes when i start to get upset with you i make myself stop thinking and focus on the rise and fall of your chest.
7. i can’t see you.
8. i’m alone in an auditorium and my off-tune singing is bouncing off your walls.
9. you never tell me directly that you’d rather be dead, but the only seatbelt you ever when we ride in the car is me.
10. i am made of the glass to keep glass from shattering and falling into your arms.
11. you are a defibrillator kept in an angry red case.
12. you only cradle me while i am awake and every time i cradle you, you end up asleep.
13. beer and snapple shots, you are singing along with the falsetto of it all.
14. you are my summer. you are my secondhand smoke. you are my sweet citrus skin falling into the sink. you are my sunshine.
15. i am not only.
16. it is not then, it is not now, but it is closer to february. i am a half a heart, hot red sticker faded to winter pink stepped on somewhere in a church parking lot.
17. neither of us know.
I don't know who I am, what I am, where I've been
These memories are coming as if through sludge
Dedication to the planned obsolescence of our lives
Burn bright to burn out quick
Before they see what we've done here
There's a face haunting me with no name I can trace
Bright red lips just begging me to remember the taste
Death's sitting on her shoulder head shaking in disgrace
I guess it's alright to forget we're part of the human race
And just focus on the fact we're so full of hate
Racing to the end of the hall where I remember the fall
No stairs to meet my descent I tumble like a bouncing ball
Dust off my knees I'm sure I was wrong you seemed so pleased
As my broken bones sink into the mud at my feet
I'll see if I can find a place where we can meet
In tired moment we'll hold ourselves close
Clinging to memories that might not even be real
I don't remember anymore if I forgot
The silence in this embrace is haunting
Why can't I remember your face.
Joannasbergs gone quiet mandela he has gone
he has left a legacy so they can soldier on
he fought so hard for freedom to set his people free
white rule overturned mandela made it be
fighting what is right fighting what is wrong
standing by his people and help them to be strong
all the years he spent locked up in a cell
everything he went through in his living hell
he came bouncing back and simply carried on
now the world will miss him now mandelas gone
This life is buffoonery
I'd sooner be
where I could live
Free to roam as I please if it pleases me,life teases me with titbits makes me sit on the fence,but I'm restless to go, need to search out and know what I don't know,hence
I'll not be here very long,going to find what's right with the wrong of it and not sit here vegetative,getting the gist of it and finding my way through this list of things I must do,which I'll do very soon, as soon as soon is not later than tomorrow's full moon I'll be fine and dandy which comes in handy.
When I go will you come,come and join in the fun or will you stay on the fence?
pretend that you know it all and like a ninepin you're bound to fall,I'd rather be a bouncing ball,
it's your call.
I'm an octopus at the bottom of the sea
And somebody cut off all my arms
I used to have eight big fleshy arms with an indeterminate multitude of suckers
And I would coil them around rocks and fish and crabs
And bring them in close to me
But some asshole diver cut off all my arms
And now I'm just the floating head of an octopus
Bouncing across the bottom of the sea
Arms grow back very slowly
And it's strange because it took a lifetime to grow the originals
And it's scary because you get so used to just bouncing around after a while
That you're not sure you really want new arms
And your'e not sure if you can trust them
And when you finally stop bouncing around
All your arms will be good for is to be a nice pillow
For you to rest on top of in a hole in the sand
Today someone laryngospasmed and dropped to 65%
Before I opened their airway
Last week, same thing, except 55%
I’m finding myself increasingly dispassionate and unconcerned during these episodes
Externally it would appear
I’m skating by
Skin of my teeth
Brushing off increased agitation by the OR staff
Watching the patient’s life bouncing on the roulette wheel as I tilt the table
........Come on red ................
But it’s not like that. I have a plan. Always a backup. Tertiary options.
A, B,C, and [God forbid] D.
So far, C and beyond is unknown territory.
I’m concerned with my confidence. Too much?
it's tuesday and
the fog rolling along the damp
sidewalk is nipping at my heels
as they click
the air smells like the hush of
christmas trees, the nostalgic
wish of hopefulness
my mind is bouncing back
between the minuscule and
the extraordinary, the deadlines
and the christmas cookies
today is tuesday.
© montauk writing, 2013.
Mr. Green shoes
Mr. Green shoes sit still I’m trying to see
Mr. Green shoes yes Mr. Green shoes are you lookn at me
Yes it’s so strange
And I don’t wanna miss
Oh no it’s pure bliss
Slithering down the wall
Keep on till the bubbles stop
Climb just to jump
Jump just to run
Stay up just to sleep
Starve so you can eat
Sound bouncing off all four walls
Can’t move engines stalled
Falling fallen fell fall
The season changed
Got a new prescription
I can see on forever
No sunny disposition
Got a new perspective
The physician's mission