I want to be the abandoned house you snuck into every other night
because there was nowhere else to go.
Slam my trembling frame against the wall like an old vase
and smile as every organ inside me crumbles like books off their shelf in the midst
of an earthquake caused from the faults inside your knuckles
and underneath your tongue.
I want to be every bad habit that you can't break. When there are no more walls to punch, you can leave holes in my bones instead.
When there's a pit in your stomach that you never can fill,
you can shove me in your mouth with both hands and eat fast
and feel me run down your chin.
You can savor the nausea from overindulgence
and grab the crumbs from off the floor.
You can tip me over and lick me up.
When you can't bite your nails anymore, my throat is welcoming your teeth.
Don't be afraid because this is your last lack of cigarettes;
You can always light me up instead, my love.
I can assure you my screams are more addicting
than what any nicotine can give you.
And me? I'm just addicted to the way 'good girl' rolls of your lips.
I'm addicted to being the reason you can't stop, won't stop, don't stop.
I want to be the response to your calls of desperation.
Listen closely to my hips and answer every question they could ever have with your tongue. Tell my neck things that you could never confess to any preacher,
and beg for forgiveness to my thighs until they've giving every ounce of their blessing
to your neck.
Don't worry about collapsing
I will catch all of you and swallow you whole.
Tell me I moan like an angel, even though I feel like sin.
I love the way my ribs creak when I hear you say my name.
There are parts of our stories that we wish were different
Things we wish we could erase
We get stuck in moments
Over-analyzing our every movement
Trying our hardest to make the memories perfect
Memories turn in to ghosts
That haunt our happiness
And kill our freedom
We try to live in the past
But we can't repeat it
So it never works
And it hurts
Then somehow inside the same story
There is good
There are memories that make us laugh and make us smile
Loving relationships and life changing conversations
Places that we hope to go
And people that we want to meet
Even things as simple as favorite books and songs and films
They are a daily reminder of why we're alive
And we've come to believe that all of it matters
That all of it is significant and
The opposite of small
We've come to believe that you deserve to be around people who make you feel whole
People who laugh and mourn and celebrate with you
People who remind you
You're not alone in this whole big thing called life.
lanky guy in white shirt
long sleeves pulled up to his arms
with a cup of iced cappuccino in his grip
he traced for empty seats
our sight met each other
butterflies in me started dancing
tangled thoughts of mine
instantly fell away like rain
the first encounter in Starbucks
had our books of fate rewritten
the ocean eyes of his
looked into the hazel of mine
captivating my heart
as he flashed his 'to die for' smile
i was certain he's the one
the second he made me laugh
good morning messages
sleepy voiced night calls
twenty seven dates
our hearts grew fonder
it wasn't february fourteen
when he got down on one knee
trembling as he brought out the ring
saying four cliche words
on the memorable date
solemn vows are said
heartwarming tears are shed
two lips collided with affection
we are now an us
I need to draw a picture of what my life will look like if I don't become a doctor so I can see what failure looks like as if I don't see that every time I look in the mirror
All I want is to help people and thats why I shove my face inside chemistry books trying to make myself understand things that I've never been able to understand
Here I am rocking in a rocking chair that isn't moving because I don't know how to make it rock I'm just moving myself
I've always looked in the mirror and hated what I saw but then I looked deeper into the eyes of that person that is me and saw a picture of my future
I wanted to help people
I want to help people
but first I need to help me
OKAY SO I THOUGHT I WAS SMART, YOU KNOW?
so what if I'm not so good at math well that's all there is in chemistry
I need to draw a picture of what failure looks like but I've never really been so good at plotting images across a canvass all I can really do is translate words
I want I need to be a doctor because helping people is my dream
I need to draw a picture of what failure looks like that's why I'm writing this so I can look back and see
So I can read
This is what failure looks like, here see
Look in the mirror you aren't what you wanted to be
Read your words and see
You aren't so good with words either so why do you keep trying
I looked into my eyes and saw the future but now I can't bare to even try to see anything
I'm just writing I'm still writing and I should've stopped a while ago but here I'll stop now I mean
Here this is what failure looks like so
Look in my eyes and see
she brings her books down
her laptop and charger
her sweater in case she gets cold
and her hairclip.
she sets them on a clear table she finds
plugs in her charger
puts on her sweater and
puts up her hair like she always does
when commencing to study.
she goes for a quick check on whatsapp
replies to her friends
likes their statuses
goes on instagram
puts up a couple pics
follows back a couple ton
eyes slowly starting to droop
but all my studying left to do she thinks in her head
she didnt realize the time was already half past 3 am
its time to go to bed or she wont wake up tomorrow morning
for her microbiology class
so she packs it all up
sweater in hand
lays them on her iron table upstairs
and closes her tired eyes
lays on her springy bed
and falls asleep only to wake up 4 hours later
ready for another day.
I love old books with folded down pages and highlighted sentences
because you shivered when you read them
I love poems that leave the taste of heartbreak in your mouth
and songs that sound like falling in love
I love thunderstorms
and falling asleep to the sound of raindrops whispering "you are not alone"
I love boys with tired eyes and loud laughs
and girls with smeared eyeliner and lips dripping with alcohol
I love the way words can shatter you and put you back together again
I can't be patient for any longer because I've been waiting for too long
Everything I've ever done feels worthless and like a disaster
I don't know who will love me when things get bad
Because things are bad
And the people that I need the most are too far away or too consumed to notice
To notice that I'm drowning in a sea of misery and paranoia
My breaths have become shorter and my pupils are dilated
I gaze into other people's eyes and I see nothing
A long time ago, I made a conscious decision to see nothing
And now I'm blind
But with blindness comes increase sensitivity of my other senses
So now my tears fall down my face and they feel like acid on my skin
Every whisper falls into...
This isn't living
This isn't life
Because life happens and this is something else
This is bigger than me
This is something that will still hover over my head when I wake up
And it will haunt me till I go to sleep
The worst part is that I don't know how to effectively cope
With everything life has bestowed upon me
So I'm left on the curb
Staring at a finish line
And I'm paralyzed
I'm alone with the thoughts and the voices that brought me to this state of recklessness
This state of unrevealed truth and blanketed wounds
My feelings aren't gone because I chose to share them
Shared they were, but only two people recognized the cry for help
I was transparent and found
But we're all too lost
And I'm too broken to win another battle
Weight is on my chest and I'm bitter over someone
I have been in a dark place for so long, that I've forgotten what light looks like
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop crying
I don't think I'll ever stop crying
These droplets will forever fall from my grayish irises onto pavement and rocks and nothingness
Pain doesn't go away
Pain becomes me
I am tired and I cannot sleep and I'm afraid of what the future holds
Because at moments like this
I question the existence of a future
"I drank coffee, and read old books, and waited for the year to end"
But I've been doing that for 6 years, and I'm tired
So I need to be held and helped by someone or something
I need to remember what sweetness tastes like
And I need to piece together this puzzle called life
There are no leaves on the trees
Don't mistake it for fall
Because the leaves were never there
I need to be closer to love than I am right now
To love that is requited
The love that I've felt before
The love that is sweaty palms and mumbled giggles
Rhapsodies of savior
Help me save myself
I watched a play on Words
And you watched me jump on conclusions
I guess my bushes are worth birds
And your mixing good solutions
You let your eyes cross a road
That led pencils into paper
I get past the fact my frog was towed
To let the fire escape her
Our suits look so similar
I guess we can call it a tie
I could not forgive a helping hand
When your all time low is so high
My factory is dripping with sweaters and books
Both of which have been red
My eye is ugly from the way it looks
And I've never seen living so dead
I love you as fish love water, as spring leaves love morning dew, as rain loves kisses. I love you as people love rainbows and rainbows love making promises and promises love to be broken to teach people a lesson. I love you as old botany books are loved but not read and as I love poetry but read none. I love you as children love fathers they haven’t met. I love you as you love certain things, in pride and in shame and in secret from me. I love you as I love to smoke, but also, in private, if I really love it. I love you like you will never comprehend and like I will never comprehend your love. I love you physically and emotionally and sometimes the sight of you makes me feel sick in the heart but I still deny it. I love you behind the hate and the depression. I love you before everyone else’s opinions, including my own.
i walk inside
sort of hoping
you'd look at me
as i'm multitasking-
holding my books, walking, looking at you
this, is my favorite part of the day
one glance at you,
and my day reaches its culmination.
it doesn't get any better after this
one glance at you,
you give me an automatic smile
and you're just sitting there.
my glasses are off.
i cannot see if that's you
but from your walk and the way
you look down at the ground
it's got to be you.
your face is so serious
as i awkwardly attempt a wave
saying hi, but not speaking
i'm caught offguard.
silence takes me to another place
it surely is quiet- as they say
and still thinking
i want to talk to you,
without stuttering, without hesitating
i want to tell you everything
everything i have been thinking
but how can i think when i've lost
my heart's in one state
but my mind's all over the place
i wish you knew
all these feelings that aren't brand new