the spiders came,
and the blue and gold walls painted over.
I lost some weight,
I was asked about it at your wake,
but I felt like
Cold he was,
and quickly he left
So I turned to cold cans of soup in the pantry.
Cold cans of soup
patting my dog
That was about it.
And sometimes the central heating would disturb the silence
and sometimes it would make me feel sick to my stomach
But I know one thing,
Happiness in suburban houses never lasts.
Sunshine, summer, parents, first loves
They are fantasies thought up in the grass.
I love you, he murmured
Why did she die? I pleaded.
The air was warm
but we lay in the dark.
When she was 5
She drew a picture with the colors of the rainbow
It made everyone happy
Her teacher gave her a "star"
Her parents gave her a kiss
And tucked her in, warm and snug
Dreaming of fairies and princesses
When she was 15
She took a picture where everything was black and blue
It made everyone uncomfortable
Her teacher took her to the counselor
Her parents gave her punishment
She tucked herself in bed, with bruises and welts
And waited for the horrible nightmares to begin
When she was 25
She painted a scene where everything was gray and bleak
She didn't show it to anyone
But continued to see the counselor
Her boyfriend continued to beat her
She passed out in the living room, knocked out cold
With no dreams, nor nightmares to spare
Now she's 35
She wrote some words in red
Hoping for someone to finally see
She didn't visit the counselor, didn't take her medications
Life finally beat out all the fight in her
She saw herself covered in a sea of crimson
Warm fluid running down her wrists
Her vision began to blur
As she welcomes this final sleep
Most times I find myself lost
Lost in times, places,
Held captive in my thoughts
It's ok it's ok it's ok
The grass helps me forget
As I lay absorbed in its warmth.
There is smoke in the distance,
Or is it right next to me?
I don't know anymore
Nor do I care
I just let myself go off most times
I love to go off most times,
As much as I loved my family
Who stood by my side 'til their end.
My dear sister was quite the artist
Quite the artist indeed
She had this distinct flight in her work,
Or was it flow?
I'm getting lost again.
These colors they did cling to each other
As if they've known each other since long ago.
I would get lost in these paintings
And would remember the times I saw these colors,
Like the blue in the bay
Protected by the army,
Like the brown windmill
That I climbed with my best friend,
Damn I forgot he was there with me,
Like the yellow in my dog's eyes
When she and I saw a man burn to death.
It's too bad Auntie hid those paintings
Beyond the basement.
My father died in the Korean War,
Oh captain, my captain
You failed to return
But don't fret
I raised my flag for you this morning
And every morning,
Waiting for your safe return.
You had dark eyes, right?
Yes, you had to have dark eyes
Only dark men have dark eyes, but
You did it for a good cause dear father
And for your country you swam on that iron boat
And died just like your sweet daughter:
Hanging yourself because you could not find success with your art.
Wait, that's not right.
Your art was success, Sun Tzu would be proud
Of your noble smooth sacrifice,
All the while taking on the pitter-patter of rain.
My mother died just now,
Yeah just now in front of my eyes.
It's weird to see her like this
All old, cold, and stiff.
Maybe she's nervous, don't know why
She's going to a good place.
Might just be the rigor mortis kicking in,
My mother was always a speedy one
Never skipping a beat
Funny for her to be sitting
Directing phone calls
Which would end up being lost anyway
Because no one knew how to talk back then,
Not after the Korean War.
There was one song my mom would sing,
Not sing actually just hum
I don't know what song it was
I believed she made it up,
Which was so brilliant.
Sometimes I would close my eyes
(Like I'm doing right now)
And insert words into my mother's song.
I would sing things like:
How long are you gonna let it rain
Shifting through the tides of pain
You lost yourself for good this time
Dear boy you got yourself a rhyme.
That's what music sounded like to me back then,
Hell it still does.
Guess that means I'm still lost then, huh?
She is now waiting
at my front door,
I hear her laughter echoing
I want more….
She slivers through the door
as she slowly moves,
she's guided by the stench
of poisonous booze..
She has a pressed on an ego...
her words a scapel,
cutting deep into my spine.
She cries dry tears
into her liquor,
any twinge of conscience
thin not thicker.
I trip and I fumble
it seems everyday,
as I try to keep her
from my heart's pathway.
I dream of something more
but I'm led astray,
but soon I'll leave this hell
and have my say.
I can't climb out
of this blaze she's built,
her fiery waves
attempt to hide her guilt.
She laughs as she watches
with double crossed fingers
she thinks she's sealed my fate.
My direction now,
is flustered orange and blue,
thoughts that my mind
simply can't filter through.
I see the fiction
in her diverting eyes,
as she runs her hands
down her tempting thighs.
I dream upon dream
of something more,
full of grace and beauty
a pleasure to adore.
But for now she will suffer
I won't care at all,
She will follow my plan,
one marked for
by my son.
Miss him so.............
frozen crystal diamonds sparkling in
the morning sun
dew wet cobwebs
strung between trees
blue glass clear skies
crisp fresh air
scarves and gloves
socks and blankets
i got you in
it made winter
beautiful for me
winter is no longer drab and cold
when you're holding my hand
so don't let go
I am twenty years old
I have never been in love
I have had my fair attractions
As for true love I have not
I imagine her though
Beautiful too me
I'm not quite sure her name though
Nor have I ever seen her before yet she welcomes me in my dreams
I think if I were to be in love
I'd like to be at the start
The start of something new
Something so pure
As pure as the bright blue sky
With the sun shining bright
Yeah I think that's love
Waking up next to her and seeing something like the sun
Don't get me wrong there are cloudy days
There will be raging storms
I guess in the end I'd like to be at the start
The start of a sunny day
I guess I'd like to be in love
A smile kisses my lips
as the darkness disappears
another endless night has faded
hours lost with lack of sleep
I tremble with anticipation
as my heart burns with inspiration
of so many others that have come before me
my skin humming with the beautiful notion
of their passion and devotion
my blood set ablaze
something is awakening within me
so far inside I had feared it was almost forgotten
but the dawn of each new day keeps trying to explain
all the many reasons I am here in the now
if you were to catch me in this fleeting quiet
there is nothing I would hide
I would bare all that lay inside
if you were to pay attention
this moment holds perfection
with its entirety of the unique
perched atop my hidden corner of my world
seeing nothing but knowing all
praying with the aching desire
to only keep getting higher and higher
to climb with worn hands
the rocky mountainside
to dance with bare feet
in the frisky river waters
with my days of sobbing on the bathroom floor
far enough behind me only to see a faint outline
tracing with my fingertips of aftershock
the bits of ridicule and criticism popping up
just as quickly fading to black
and instead of being riddled with tiny little holes
stealing that pain
making a statement
taking a stand
I notice all that has made and kept me strong
for so very long kept in the background
my heartbeats pounds with the bass boom boom
all of a sudden the syncopation hits the room
the terror comes in waves so strong
shivers send electric static currents up my spine
as if for one split second
not one atom around me is the same
almost dreamlike comes the realization
that I have always been
painting, writing, sculpting, singing, building
my very own reality........
There was a crack.
Not a mighty one. no, it wasn't even loud.
And if inside foundations moved?
without, appeared stout.
held up with the iron bars. too proud.
I see the roads before me,
which suddenly fill, my brocken will,
and rubble brushed lightly on pavement,
and hazey land, burnt still.
The sun is burning my hands, burning I say.
To the north there is fire,
sepulchures to the west, I kneel to pray,
East is dust. South has rusted red. I am on a wire,
painted gold. Crouched, I drink sand,
burning like fire, fire to taste nothing.
Too many dreams of wine and sugary honey,
I'm spent, choke on demure beauty.
My hands' flesh melt off in ripples,
dripping down my arms, and please,
with ease, I run into a coma, untruthfully,
bold and blue, choking on truth,
slipping down my lungs, cold bile fed
from a crocker, chipped resign,
take me home, I cry.
But I was never home. My home had died.
Trip. And swollen feet? Sprung loose,
the fidllers harp plays naught,
A truce, fate, please, allow me loose fate.
I pray escape, but I could never choose late.
With no hands I can not lament,
my feet rooted in soil unfit to grow,
and I am. not. I will go,
where rain falls constantly.
I will go to drown and burn in equil measure,
dreaming, with slitted eyes,
the earthquake shattering the sun inside,
shoulders square, jaw set, I hide,
while stepping forward,
/my home has died.
Everything is all the same.
In a crowd of red spots, there are no blue squares.
The same Sun rises in the East every damn morning,
And the same Moon sits in the same damn sky among billions of stars.
One man looks and acts the same as the next,
Just as one woman looks and acts the same as the next...
There is nothing special that happens in society.
The same stories haunt the media.
A man rapes a woman.
A woman abuses her children.
Someone tries to smuggle an alligator out of Florida,
And a moose crosses a Minnesota highway...
I myself walk the same streets
Over and over and over again...
Go to work,
WHY are the creative juices in my brain no longer flowing?
WHEN did my river run dry?
HOW can I get the juices to race and course through my veins once more?
No Inspiration at all...
All I want
is to lay on my bed,
under the navy blue comforter,
(with the lime green
dead body outline)
in your arms.
just laying together.
My head on your chest,
your arms wrapped around me.
The gentle rise
and fall of your chest
under my cheek.
Music playing gently
in the background.
Your thumb gently
and forth, maybe
you gently rub
my back. Maybe
you lean down
every now and
then to press a small
kiss to my forehead
or to gently,
ever so gently
nibble lightly on
with your lips, like
how you do
in the hallways.
But for now I'll
have to substitute you
with my body pillow,
pretending that it's you,
so I'll fall asleep.