i felt the earth move
layers shifting, tectonic plates
over my head, cracks showing
throughout this global skull of mine
and my mind tried to break free
from the burning inner circle of my brain
but i remained buried
within the glowing layers
yes, today i felt like the earth
ready to explode
if so much as one sliver
of dark brown earth would slide
over another, pressure building
and i had volcanoes just ready to give way
more than a headache, this feeling
pushed up from my beating heart
through my spine
until the struggle, the oxygen
and the blood were convened
within the structure that remained
and i spent the day walking slowly
moving in straight lines
and the volcanoes were confined
and the blood moved back down
to my heart
and i went to my bed heavy
but not yet pulled apart
My eyes cried water
My heart cried pain
My wrists cried blood
And God cried rain
My soul cried sorrow
My heart cried pain
My lungs cried for air
My head cried to be sane
In all this sorrow
In all the rain
My head lost it's sanity
My my heart cried all it's pain
Catalysis of bats
In stale notebook paper lives
Sexless spiders in dirty blue walls
The night wants my aching now
My hands like waiting lepers here
Bats bloating with the channels of death
The night still a howling dog in the blood
Of whores finding Christ on their backs
It waits – like the beast
Loss the moon
while counting stars
Laughter doesn't last very
Turning the corner
Shades of sadness brush
against my face
My emotions lay flat
as passions escape
Room grows darker as the
frozen sun disappears
Leaving shadows along the sides
of my walls of fear
My two faces collide inside
the memories of vacant
Tears drop along the shallow walls
Leaving stains of blood
Through my childhood
As I stumble to be free
from all the memories that
By Weeping willow
Before the night fell
We witnessed the brilliance of man's folly,
Every note falling in deciduous perfection;
Even a prayer can be lost.
Then, when the stars came out,
The sun nowhere to be found,
The moon belched like a drunken pirate,
Bending the trees and sending their leaves
Skyward, off and away.
There was a whisper
Between the blades of grass
We sat upon.
There was a worry
In your eye
That told me there
Was to be more.
Candy cane fragrance
With a dash of cinnamon and salt.
Grinning through the darkness,
We touched hands like children,
Caught in that never ending dance.
Morning came like mist over a hill.
Our eyes wished not to open for the day.
She rose first and I rose second.
Never wanting for that feeling to go away.
Secondary rituals over coffee and pastries.
The sun came through that café window like a shot of a gun.
And when she paid and left,
She dropped a note that read "Until next time."
When you never see another again,
You always wonder what they came to be.
A periwinkle whore of 5 cents a pound,
Or a river lady loon that sang without a sound?
Under your bed -
Color shining in
Ox blood purple and red.
They told me your name
They scribbled your address
They want what you have
They're wondering why your'e so stressed
When she came by the place again,
I wasn't home, so she dropped me another note.
This one had only one word:
I can't lie.
I was quite
Two days past.
A knock on my door.
Moon light's middle finger
Stretching into my living room
My couch held her like an egg in a carton.
Toad colored hat latched around her head.
Hair covering her eyes, her mouth, her broken nose.
She wore orange flip flops, wiggling her toes.
She asked why I hadn't called.
I told her that I didn't have her number.
She talked about her soon to be dead father.
I sat down to listen, thinking of my forgotten brother.
When she began to cry, she came to me,
Like a bee to a flower or a fly to fresh shit.
I felt her hand on my chest and her breath in my left ear;
There's no guilt like the wicked
And there's no faith like the religious kind.
Hand in a hold.
Love is just another mold.
The priest protects the walls
Of his splintered sanctuary.
Is just another man's memory.
Oh my sins, my sins,
Where should I begin?
When you're born to lose,
There's no thought to win.
6 months past
And still, she came over.
Our love for one another
Was a secret knot I couldn't undo.
A year past
And the stars and the moon
Were a cure that
Blanketed us, our child, our family.
Living our days out,
Mixing poison and penalty,
Running from a life
That showed any shred of reality.
Buried side by side
Underneath a bent apple tree,
I died one day
And she died the other.
Using the falling leaves in the Fall
And the blossoming buds in Spring
For something to reach for.
My bones are shaking
My heart is slowed down
The tears in my eyes
Are falling to the ground
My fingers lay softly on the piano keys
This is my very last plea
I can never find the words to say
So the music helps me drift away
Please baby please
Just tell me you'll stay
My heart is hollow
My chest is full of air
For I'd let all the blood in my body run dry for you
without even having a care
I'm wondering what you are doing and how you feel
But nothing really phases you
You're so strong
You're made out of steel
I'm as soft as clay
Mold me into something
That would make you wanna stay
And You can always have your way
There's shivers up my spine
The stars are never aligned
Because you and I
Are not side by side
So as I play the last notes
I feel as if instead of swimming
I'm just barley staying afloat
Maybe in my dreams you'll come visit me
And we can go drifting
Amongst the seas
Fuck you for making me feel like this.
Fuck you for placing my legs under a microscope, X100 magnification and carefully peering at their relative sizes
Then fuck you also for proceeding to tell me I need to measure the circumference of my thighs weekly and write it down so the looming numbers will scare me away from that last piece of bundt cake in the fridge,
all the time acting as if you are giving me a valuable, sage insight on the pursuits of human happiness
Fuck you for turning me into a 15-point lab report due monday.
I mean, are you fucking stupid?
I do happen to own a mirror.
You are just so damn blinded by your self-proclaimed "good inentions."
How can you not see that all I want is to be tiny?
That the one thing I crave, desire, yearn, for above all else,
more even than to be loved and successful,
is to be petite.
to not feel my thighs softly scrape against eachother when I wear skirts
to not hear the way clothes strain over my hips, how they positively groan over all my imperfections.
To simply not,
to be less.
To feel less.
I catch unexpected glances of myself in the mirror and I am instantly and irrevocably consumed with the notion that I must cut and cut all the squishy places away until nothing remains but blood, muscle, and my own shredded skin.
I shame myself.
ordering my heart not to shrink when it peeks at all the fat surrounding it.
I insist that, it's stupid,
letting a few extra grams of CH3(CH)2COOH be significant enough to make me want to curl up in a dark corner and cry for weeks and sob out every last extra particle of water and fat until I'm thin.
Until I am perfect.
But thanks anyway for pointing out my weight gain,
aren't you such a doll?
Wow, I mean
what an act of sincere kindness!
next time I get a pimple or a stretch mark,
remind me to call you.
Because in a world where appearances are everything
Who doesn't need to be reminded that they aren't beautiful enough to matter?
i am alone.
no really, this time i am.
there's nobody else here.
be careful what you wish for.
nobody to stop me
i can't be saved from myself.
i am going to crack
blood will spill
pretty white wrists
onto the bathroom floor
my mom spent
so much time working on
to make perfect
mom i'm sorry
you had to come home to this
mom i'm sorry
i could never be what you wanted
mom i'm sorry
i've caused you so much pain
mom i'm sorry
for making you pick up the pieces
mom i'm sorry
i smashed them after you finally go them back together
you were never here
but i know you wanted to be
and i'm sorry you couldn't
i never appreciated you
i failed you, too)
i thought you could fix me
and got angry
when you couldn't
i caused you so much pain
and blamed it all on you.
i'm not who i promised you
i would be.
i never came back
even though i promised i'd never leave
for every single thing
i ever did to you
"don't be sorry"
i wonder what life would have been like
if we had worked out
i wonder if i'd be miserable
or you'd be miserable
i wonder how long it would take us
to hate each other
(i wonder if you hated me when you broke up with me)
i wonder if i was ever good enough for you
or if you were ever good enough for me
i'm sorry about your dad, too
i hope i don't see him when i go
you killed me
you took the blade
and you ran it down my skin
you pierced it
and you decided it wasn't enough
you took a sharper one
and even though i was still bleeding
you ran it down my arm
"i'm sorry for hurting you."
if that were true, you would have stopped.
and this time
there is nothing stopping me
and i can feel it
and i can see it
(and i can't
do any of it)
so i take a breath
and the razor falls
and i am not alone
not this time
no reign over the red vessel
beat beat beat
beet red locker of sacred funds
under your warm hands freely runs
could you delve any deeper? yes.
intrusion from you deeply craved
i couldn't hide it in silence
if i so wanted as flaunted
now by my chest
with your face pressed
i give my secrets
your face beside mine on the bed
sweet sweet sweet
suite for the warming of your blood
i offer protection from rust
can i be your faith keeper? yes.
deliver for you brand new days
after long moonlight in noon time
genuine giving is lifting
dark's dreary mist
with each next kiss
let sun raze,
let sun raze,
let sun raze
My head itches with lice
that suck on my XY blood
and with each pierce of the scalp
anchor down the long strands of hair
that cascade down my back and fall
in my face and betray my boy-like
I watch you and how you know who you are,
as you talk of hormone therapy and chest binders
or bras and wigs and make-up and dresses, and I
begin to cry because you know who you are,
even if the rest of the world does not.
I want to cut my hair,
but I'm afraid my face is just too ugly
to have locks that fall to my ears,
that even short hair won't solve my problems,
won't have the cashier at the drug store call me
I'm scared of surgeries,
surgeries that would leave faint scars
beneath my nipples, and allow me to walk
down a beach in trunk and a bare toned chest.
I have my binder but I will never be completely flat.
I think the reason I am so scared
of cutting away the girl in me
is because I do not know
if there is really a boy inside.