Hell ill even drink vodka
Anything to take the pain away
Just to numb it even
Anything to make it feel better
I'm tired of all this bullshit
I hate it
I hate them
Getting drunk it'll make it better
No maybe not
Just make it go away
Ill find it at the bottom of a bottle
Or at the end of a blunt
Maybe in the pills
I don't know
I just want all the pain to go away
You were happy when I went along with what you wanted
When I knew better than to go against your wishes
Yet you told me never to let people fuck me over
So why is it that when I stick up for myself
And try to express my feelings instead of holding them in
All I see in your eyes is disappointment
breathing is both a blessing and a curse.
friends aren't best friends until they prove it.
tears don't always come when you expect them to,
they usually come when the only thing you're
praying for are dry eyes for two more minutes.
broken things can be fixed. broken people can
only be restored if they want to be.
that empty feeling doesn't go away easily.
if they don't care for you, it's best to let go before
you get hurt or hurt yourself.
anger evolves into bitterness.
people believe a smile sooner than they
believe a creased forehead.
nobody will put you first, so it is imperative
that you do so yourself.
sunsets take away every single bad thought.
attachment is a recipe for destruction.
time doesn't exist in hospitals.
even psychologists will look at you funny.
some people just won't get you, and that's okay because
others will understand you better than you do yourself.
venting is an art form.
books are always an escape.
nightmares are hard to shake off and the only
thing that helps is time.
sometimes conversation will seem pointless,
and that's because it is.
everyone has their own story, and sometimes
it's best to just leave it at that.
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and tease
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn’t have to bother with me, I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both and had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt like I was the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out and put her in to get her GED
Soon she was out within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
I'm over you
You mean shit to me
So why do I constantly
See you in my dreams?
I'm moved on,
I'm head over heels in love with someone better
You're long gone & out of my life forever
So why did dream I was looking into your eyes?
Why within my dreams,
I finally didn't want to die?
Why is it that when I saw your face
My broken heart began to race
But that's not fair my heart does not belong to you
For every chance I gave you,
But then again
I always blame myself
Maybe its my fault you wanted someone else
But if I'm still mad at you,
Why do I see you in my dreams?
This is much more difficult than it even seems.
It felt so real it felt like the old times
It breaks my heart thinking
We had to leave it all behind
Things could be different
If we both weren't so selfish
To fix the past would be my deep down wish
But I don't care
Atleast that's what I tell myself
But I do,
That's why my heart is in a jar
On the very top shelf
I tried more than once to fix things
But in doing so
Misery is all that it brings
I don't think I mind seeing you in my dreams
But once I wake up
I come apart at the scene
To all the motherfuckers who don't
Know what is and isn't important
For their own damn good.
A dirty, rigid, spiked, smelly
One finger salute for each
And every one of you.
This motherfucker throws his kids
Out into the streets in November.
Big man of the house who trys so
Desperately to be intimidating,
With a shitty back and a
Horrible stench of alcohol on his breath.
This motherfucker who thinks she's special.
The stuck up bitch that too closely
Resembles a plump fuckin carrot.
Who thinks the perfect guy is a hairless
Fruity smelling mommy's boy pussy
With perfect flippy hair and a big dick.
This motherfucker, the few, the proud,
The fruity smelling mommy's boy pussy
Who wouldn't know a pair of pliers
If they were ripping off his sparkly earrings.
Never having an ounce of dirt on his hands,
But at least she... I mean he has nice teeth.
This motherfucker that can't tell one honest
Fact about his "hard and lonely" home life.
The one who nods and laughs but just wants to fuck.
Who beats off to his computer after taking a hit
That he bummed off his rich friends.
Who is confused as to why some people (me) hate him.
This motherfucker who screws with the emotions
Of one of the best guys ever to glide through her life.
Who throws him on a roller coaster with smiles
And flirtatious giggling while she lets him kiss her.
Then throws him to the side and takes the next in line.
I wish only the very best for you, you fuckin bitch.
Those motherfuckers who abuse, torment
Or play with someone who just wishes the best.
The ones who hurt the vulnerable
To feel better for themselves.
No one deserves the shit you give,
Except each and every one of you.
Honorable mention to those bitches
That complain about all men being the same
When in reality they're just searching for
The same type of meat headed retard
Every time they have such a painful terrible
Breakup. Just shut the fuck up. For real.
Behind those eyes of blue-gray-green
Lies a heart of which is seldom seen
Though hard for some to realize
There's a world of pain behind said eyes
From drama of torn childhood
From doing bad but being good
To grown up tears of discontent
From words once spoken but never meant
And now with empty bottles past
With clarity one hopes will last
Can be seen a glimpse of inner peace
Of eager joy which begs release
Though years of numbness linger still
Denying freedom to laugh at will
A perfectly polished yesteryear
Cradles everything the heart holds dear
The memories of warmth and fun
Tarnish easily out in the sun
When walking backwards leads you blind
One can never leave the past behind
The farther away the better it seems
Even the nightmares look like a dream
Now, when walking heel to toe
Facing the way you want to go
The road's less bumpy for the ride
Obstacles faced with longer strides
The light behind those eyes still burns
As chapters end and pages turn
The book continues day by day
Joy slowly rises come what may
Living is what makes us strong
To do what's right when we've been wronged
And though that pain may never die
There's no place left for it to hide
It's worn dull by loves embrace
Displaced, in time, with joy and grace
And then those eyes of blue-gray-green
Will sparkle new with brighter sheen
For a heart that's swelled to greater size
Will be foretold behind those eyes
i pushed you against the wall
and you let out a sound
it always amazed me
how something so quiet
could drive me so crazy.
my tongue teased your lips
and then stealthily slipped
past your pearly white gates
i wish it wasn't too late
to do this again.
i laid you down on my bed
a hand on your waist
and the other behind your head
trying to take my time and be smooth
when in reality,
i couldn't wait to taste you.
my heart almost burst through my chest
when i pulled off your pants
and saw you were wet
my clumsy fingers traced the line
up your legs, craving to find
a way to make you laugh.
we both know what that means.
now all i have are those memories
still fresh, but fading away
if only i could find a way to make them stay
tucked away, forever...
but i'm finding it harder to remember
the shape of your lips,
it's hardest when you're not around.
they're being replaced by thoughts of you two together
i thought i gave you my best but i guess she did better,
of course she did, she's the one with your heart
but i guess you never realized you've had mine from the start.
i refuse to believe you're just a lesson to learn
i didn't take a wrong turn, you're not a bridge i will burn
though our clock's breaking down and the ticking lacks luster
i'll hold it together with all of the strength i can muster
because you made me live again when i felt i was dead
thought my song was over but you made me get up and dance instead
i'll never be able to get you out of my head,
an empty place echoing every word that you've said.
i wish i would have known
the last time would be our last
maybe i would have savored it more
i should stop living in the past
what i wouldn't give to live one more night
what i wouldn't take to make one more flight
into your arms where you held me so tight
wrapped up in your body, nothing's ever felt so right.
deep sea baby, i'll follow you
though i'm confessing this now, it's not anything new
i promise i won't interfere or play games with her heart
but i'll be waiting my turn 'cause i've been yours from the start.
i wonder if you know that the same route
to your house in the daylight is different at
night. the road turns to currents and the
buildings are coral blooming in their lawns,
the sand gardens. the headlights of cars
are tiny fish catching the edges of mirrors
in the water’s light, bleeding white and gold
that fogs the windshield, an ethereal tide of
loss and shadow and muffled music.
i wonder if you know the second time i went
to see you i couldn’t swim fast enough. you
make me feel lightheaded, you turn my lung
over in your palm until it becomes a windpipe,
you smother my piccolo heart until it pierces a
hole through the sky with its sound. i’m spinning
out through my ears for you, rushing to a beat
with drunken feet, wide eyed and slick bird winged
with a panicked pulse. it was still warm and i guess
the weather tricked me into thinking it was a
temperature my kind could survive in, for you.
i wonder if you know when i saw you in the
doorway you looked more brilliant than all
the shimmering roadsigns from my best
unmapped memory, uncharted like your
wildflower stem wrists. i’d like to get lost
in your underwater mind, wade in the
swampy sadness with my fingers
twisted in algae. we’re not that different,
i wish you knew. you are more magnificent
than every hello and goodbye carved
from any mouth, soft or difficult, shy or
unabashed. when you saw me take my
steps your smile curved like a castle
letting down it’s drawbridge. how did
i convince myself that was a good thing?
i knew you were waiting for something.
i knew you were waiting for someone, but
i never would have guessed all you waited
for from me was for me to pass you by,
to get out of your sight so you could watch
the street roll and pull rain from the overhead
lights into ripples that reminded you of a
different time, a better time, a time before me
when you were happy. but the past isn’t always
as good as we remember it, i hope you know
that. i never would’ve said that to your face
because it was too beautiful to deface with
such a tar-slung sentence.
i wish i was a writer.
i wish i could sing.
i wish i could have done something, anything
to be the ribbon sent across the sky flying
like a star stained lighthouse beacon,
one you couldn’t forget, wrapping you
up on the glassy surface, keeping you
afloat in the present, banishing dark
underneath, sweeping away sharp
rocks, shark teeth.
I have been eating flowers recently and hoping that one day I will be able to restart the garden in my heart that you tore apart. The light will shine again and roses will bloom to the steady staccato beat of my pulse, daisies and sunflowers rising up from the ground to create their own sunrise. Pale pink buds of tulips and bright blue violets will paint my veins with vivid life, the world beautiful again, the air fresher, my heart better.
The more I consume, the less there is of you and more of nature; earth taking over to heal the hurt in my soul. I tell myself this will work, it will succeed eventually; but inside the core of everything there is the pin prick of reality that leads me back to the truth.
For despite everything, I still love you.
First, last, always.