I miss you
Hard to believe, right?
Your presence has always been far
but I felt you in my heart…
No one's there anymore, if you want to know
and by no one
Weeds are taking their place
sucking every bit of what's left
I didn't bother to water or plant seeds
didn't think it would be important to kill the weeds
before they multiplied
and I lied when you asked me if I was fine
in the darkest of times I wallowed in self loathing
and what was left of these flowers were not phototropic
I knew these lies couldn't be bought
even by my closest friend
but I sold them anyways
only to find I shouldn't have
because I miss you
oh the price I'm willing to pay
just to speak to you again
I can't just up and make you stop,
and I don't want to.
I want to show you why I did,
And how I decided I wouldn't.
I want to convince you through facts and logic
Why this isn't good for you,
And then reinforce by addressing your emotional state.
I want to help you through,
Not just push you through the process.
I want to change your mind,
And make you believe you should stop.
Becausr while the first step is admitting you have a problem,
The second step,
Is wanting to change.
Love is blind and
On the roof
But everything comes
To an end, it begins all to soon
Like angels, pallid and wan,
Believe that life is beautiful but
Can only affirm what they truly know
That our life will surely die
Doomed to a perpetual nature
But there ain't no time to hate
And all the time to die
My name is Rachel
But others may refer to me as
Rach, Rachie, or Rae-rae.
I am nineteen years of age.
When I was a little girl
My smile was as bright as the sun
I ran and jumped and tumbled
I climbed trees that were so tall they touched the sky
And if ever I fell down
I picked myself up, still smiling.
It was when I was ten
That my smile finally faded
And my parents grew frustrated
And the day they told my brother, sister and I
That they weren’t going to be together anymore
Was the same day I fell
And wasn’t strong enough to stand back up.
Of complete and total darkness
Is what followed
And then half my face froze up
Stuck in a permanent state of nothing
A paralysis of the nerves
Labelled ‘Bell’s Palsy’
Was what finally motivated my dad
To get me out of there
And after a while
I must’ve been smiling pretty hard
Because the paralysis went away.
And now I’m here.
If I were to describe myself
I’d point out that I’m five foot, four inches tall, on a good day
When anxiety isn’t weighing me down.
Rarely do I ever stand up straight.
I have deep, dark brown eyes
That observe more than they can really see.
They remain hidden behind thick framed glasses
For they, themselves, wish not to be seen.
My hair is as brown and ordinary,
Long and untamed and always in the way.
I’d cut it all off, like when I was younger
But I look older this way
And my friends like it.
I spend most of my time blogging
Even though rarely does anything exciting happen to me,
But then, that’s what John Watson said
Right before he met Sherlock.
I love television and movies
I love video games
I love books
Because I love stories.
Listening to them
I’d never get bored.
I like books, their pages dry and crinkling at my touch.
I put more effort into procrastination than I do into any sort of work.
Death laughs, and life depresses me.
I’m afraid of a lot of things.
Sometimes I feel too much,
Sometimes I feel nothing at all,
And that frightens me.
My imagination tends to run wild,
And sometimes it’s beautiful
But sometimes it’s brutal.
Sometimes I’m just paranoid.
I think about thinking
I think about other people thinking
I think about other people thinking about what I’m thinking
I’m an over thinker.
Secretly I’m a hopeless romantic,
And I hope to fall in love without getting confused by the idea of it.
But that’ll happen when I’m ready for it.
I believe in the equality of all things, though I’m hesitant to say it’s achievable.
I know there’s good to be found in people
But I don’t understand why all I keep finding is bad.
I’m proud and prejudiced against prejudiced people
Jane Austen is my hero.
If you ask me my name
I’d probably stumble over it
Like I stumble over everything
Words seems to curl my tongue
They do wonders at the tips of my fingers
But die as soon as they cross my lips.
I get nervous when I have to speak
Or look someone in the eye
And I’m pretty sure my mouth has a mind of its own.
I like being alone but sometimes I get lonely.
I’m moody and temperamental, and a little mental
But those that care for me don’t mind.
I’m more inclined to listen
If I can sing along too.
I’m clumsy and uncoordinated.
I walk into doorframes and apologize.
I stub my toe and laugh
But other people’s pain makes me cry.
I know a few words in Italian,
Even fewer in Russian,
And they’re all slang or swear words.
When I blush my entire face is painted scarlet,
And my skin is so sensitive it’s sometimes a blotchy mess.
Unless I’m ranting.
Usually my thoughts make more sense
When I’m not thinking at all.
I am Rachel and this is barely scratching the surface of who I might be.
I know exactly what's going on in that head
It's guilty of frustration
Causing all your irritation
Do you believe all that's said?
You can't trust what's made you bled
You're the cat
And your curiosity is chasing you dead
There's a monster that lies under your bed
Consuming your heart
And tearing your power apart
It haunts you in your sleep
Ultimately getting you stuck in your dreams
Now it's been a long dark night
Its time for the sun to come up
This mean cycle has come to an end
Your perilous limit is spent
The grim reaper has came to claim your life
He's been waiting until your humanity was ripe
He'll take his scythe
And sever the hallucination
What a terrible delusion
It's his mission to devour the beast
That hides beneath your feet
You can try
But hell is not something you can cheat
The reapers job is to harvest your soul
Before we all fall into a black hole
Breaking the wrapped around chain
Crashing the track of our egoistic train
Your body is filled up with smoke
Polluting your chest
And clogging your throat
It's strangling you to choke
Conception is in the hands of the beholder
In this life do you see what lies
With your heart and mind
Standing side by side
Now that the scythe has swung
Show me what flashes before your eyes
Find the words to say
Let the tears rain
Let them pour down your face
And wash your pain away
The sun will come out
I need something to believe in today
Jealousy is a cruel thing
A green monster who loves to play
The thought of it stings
Didn't notice the fear overcoming me
Now my sanity is going under me
I know what you like to drink to
The bottles blue
Yeah, you love the taste of Bombay
Theres a bottom to that bottle
And your already halfway
I won't lose if life's a game
I'll gamble it till I have no more blood to pay
I promised myself I'll make the pain go away
Since the time I looked into your eyes,
Nothing has been the same.
Such beauty can not be explained with mere words,
But she does not see the truth.
She does not know just how precious she is,
Nor does she know how much I adore her.
But like I said, it can not be put into words,
I only hope I might show her the truth.
I hope that I might open her eyes,
So that she can see the truth for herself.
Maybe I can make her believe,
In the beauty I see.
I'm a Romantic.
I'm a virgin.
I play the classical piano.
I've never been kissed.
I'm in college.
I've never felt the warmth of another person's hand.
I'm physically in the prime of my life.
I've never seen real woman in the nude.
I've read books about the world.
I've never been outside of Los Angeles.
I don't even know my way around these streets.
I believe in that good is within all individuals.
I don't believe that for myself.
I'm an idealist and I believe in love.
I believe that love isn't for me.
I try to treat others nicely, the way I want to be treated.
I'm constantly fucked over.
I never swear.
I've never felt the glow of another person's love.
I've never felt the heartbeat of another woman.
A woman that I didn't know had existed a week ago.
I try to be poetic,
But here I am.
I feel very hopeless,
I feel the strength oozing out of me,
Pooling up on my bathroom floor- staring up mockingly.
I feel the vibrations of your voice, loud & clear,
They always know where to hit me, just like a spear.
I feel as if I do not belong anywhere I go,
I'm a laughing stock & guess who's the main attraction at this wicked show?
I feel my "loved ones" quickly drifting apart,
I was your rock but reality has crushed me down with a mighty start.
I feel the non believing eyes boring down,
None of you care as deeply as you claim, you'd rather I swallow my misery & hurriedly drown.
I feel you changing your mind about me,
I'm not the person you cleverly made me want to be.
I feel the stomps of your feet though I am thousands of miles far,
You make yourself believe you provided the necessary with a house & a car.
I feel the love I have for you slowly disintegrating,
It's funny how it's your world that is now changing.
I feel myself going crazy, completely insane,
& you're the only one who can carry that blame.
I feel the way this is going to end,
So let me get the blade, my old friend.
Why is there such thing as pressure? Social pressure, air pressure, blood pressure, peer pressure, sinus pressure, life pressure
We are pressured by every element ever created yet I am not a diamond
I am not a sparkling gem
I am not perfect
But I am something
I am a soul in a body that isn't truly mine and a pine tree in the middle of a cornfiepld and a bird who has to be fed by it's mother because it doesn't know how to live on it's own;
I am the waves that crash into the shoreline and I am the duckling who is always left behind and I am the broken voice who never yelled hallelujah because I didn't believe I could; I am a guitar that is improperly tuned and a book whose spine is destroyed and I am the child who yelled for her father that never came;
I am a unfinished painting and a crooked portrait and the broken record player that repeats the same groove over and over and over;
Yet I am not perfect, because if I was I would be able to answer your question but I can't and if I could, I know wouldn't be able to stand here and tell you who I truly am