A poison has filled my veins
Once ingested, reality fell ill
My conscious thought—remains
as my body folds forward against my will
A teardrop runs down my cheek
dissipates, broken, no longer based
I mourn for a matter, ‘till this day oblique
my heart, trapped, but willingly incased
I am held together by a single chain
a link binding me to a cold metal fate
The past burns with a deadly bane
from a passion, now of the late
Constant fear trills through my flesh
Never ready or prepared
For another, so fully mesh
Firmly against my chest, evenly cared
My innermost feelings reflect off her eyes
mirroring every ounce I am willing to give away
A millstone is lifted, as my heart is gracefully taken
followed by my feet, my lady, if I may?
I stride my left-foot forward to start the Waltz
Our feet: forward, turn, together, and no plan to cease
If I step on your foot, this man is at fault
For you are my beauty and I, your beast
We catch each other's faces
From other ends of the store
We're walking towards eachother
I remember us in grade school
Giggling about which girl
was the cutest
Like six year old men do
And other life lessons
Which I'm sure stuck with me
And about friendship
I knew you then
Like a brother
So now here we are
After some years
Running into each other at a grocery store
I wonder why you're in town
I wonder how your life has been
I wonder what happened with your parents
There's so much to catch up on
So much to laugh about
And to cry about
We're pretty close now
I shove into my pockets for my cell phone
You stop and shuffle and look away
You pretend you need to go down a different aisle
I pretend to look at canned soup
As if neither of us noticed
You think I might not remember
You think I don't know your name
And possibly you have forgotten mine
It is better to ignore these things though
For the sake of a small possibility
It could have been uncomfortable
If you knew that I stayed up late
Every night, thinking about you,
Thinking about us
Would that change anything?
If you knew that I have changed,
In more ways than one,
To try to hold onto you,
Would that matter to you?
If you knew that every night,
I hold a knife to my wrist,
Thinking about what we could have been,
Would that make you feel anything?
If you knew that I spend
Hours crying over you,
And everything we were,
Would you care, then?
If you knew how many nights
I spent, drinking away my sorrows;
Blues that you caused,
Would you start to give a damn?
If you knew the things I've done,
The people I've been with,
The places I'd been,
If you knew, would anything change?
that you don't always need a lover by your side
to keep you truly happy
and fully satisfied.
it'd sure be nice for once if I had your hand to hold
when the embers in my heart die
and the blood in me grows cold.
would seem warmer and the frost would melt away
the ice in the pipes that are my veins
would surely cease to stay.
a strength I never dreamed I'd ever feel again
a herculean kind of forte
my broken heart it would mend.
when I'll cross your path on that dark and rainy day
you'd be the ray of sunshine
to illuminate my way.
would be like my favorite book with so many things to love
I'd discover more about you each day
see, you fit me like a glove.
would beat in time with mine and bring life back into my chest
a day like this one would be dreary
but with you, it'd be my best.
Whose mouth do I speak with
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me
from my heart or from somewhere deep within
Should I bridle my tongue?
Or wash it out after with soap
Or should I allow it to ride the wind
Until it lessen in time
It’s tempting: to give away my thoughts
I hate the sound of other poet’s pens
Should I freeze their ink cartridge
and spare the world the pain
from their internal and external mishaps
Should I close my eyes, and say
All's well with the world
The things we must do: not to offend
However, we have to endure many things
to conquer and to win bits at a time
“Comrade-in-arms to my old friends”
all isn’t well within our world.
Because I am a sonnet
In search of a poet
I am imaginative, forceful, and compelling
And sometimes disciplined
But today, who mouth must I speak with?
Your consolations delight my soul.
have you ever noticed
that when people stare out the window on a bus or train or car or plane
that their eyes follow every single detail at a whiplash inducing speed
but their head stays put?
it's like they're mesmerized by something, something no one else can see
and they have to stare, unblinkingly
so it doesn't disappear.
their eyes flit back and forth like someones head, while watching a tennis match.
they rarely blink
until they tear their eyes away,
sleepy, unfocused suddenly
and stare straight ahead,
like nothing happened.
if i hadn't met the boy that made me go insane with love and brought out all my demons,
i never would have met his best friends when i decided to move in with him
and without them, i'd be much more pathetic than i am now.
life works in mysterious ways.
without all the desperate, writhing pain my first love brought me,
i would not know the deep bond of friendship that can spark instantaneously.
i would not know how loyalty can change sides when provoked and undeserved
and i would not know the immense feeling of thankfulness that often brings me to tears
because when everything went terribly wrong,
they stuck with me.
they could have all easily thrown me away when they realized how my mistakes ruined the relationship i tried for years to attain.
but they didn't.
they praise me, tell me my strengths, appreciate my flaws, and make sure i know
i'm not alone.
all the pain i go through has a purpose,
and good things are hidden in the bad.
i don't know where i'd be without them.
probably six feet under.
Sometimes I tap my cigarette in time to the syllables of the numbers nine through twelve.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows what the hell I'm talking about.
So I walk around outside and try to understand my mind.
Just to get lost on a journey and leave it all behind.
If you could join me I'd show you all of the lights.
The ones with deep meaning that make everything all right.
But at times like these I'd rather be by myself
Nine, Ten, E-lev-en, Twelve
As a kid I always lived inside of my head
Backyard battles with demons were always so vivid
One time I stuck a bunch of duck feathers into the back of my shirt
I ran around the pool jumping,
Just trying to leave Earth.
As I grew up I maintained my thirst for adventure
Fell in love with facing fears
Succumbed to a lust for danger
Always trying to disprove my doubts
Nine, Ten, E-lev-en, Twelve
Fell into doing drugs and developed a taste
Having fun with a new crowd
Learned to deal with disgrace
But sometimes I'd catch my reflection in a mirror
And couldn't recognize my own face
But all the while coming closer to achieving my dreams
Knowing that one day I'd fly away on my wings
Came to find out the true nature of the place that I dwell
An angel can't fly when he's trapped down in hell
Nine, Ten, E-lev-en, Twelve
you are the light breeze on my swollen lips
& the heart pounding it's lost lovers last breath
inside my chest
you are the evening calling out for all the rains
to bless their drought and lack of all beautiful things
but you must know you are the most beautiful thing
I have ever had to never wait for
& I will always dream of kissing your neck
rolling up music notes into handmade cigarettes
so I can watch you drunkenly smoke
while you tell me everything you've never dreamed of
I want to be that thing you dream of
as soon your pillow hits that New York bed
ten thousand miles away from me
I want to be that thing you can't get out of your head
& when you kiss me I want your kisses
to be the last ones you every package up and send to somebody new
I want to be something new every day for you
so let's turn down the bed sheets
say goodnight to nights apart
& let's just sleep
forever in each others arms
I became the bottom of a shoe. Worthless, unwarranted, but there, needed.
Rubber and worn, worn away to the thinnest part, and still used.
Hands became words, and hugs became extinct, tears became invisible, the 'childhood' was erased.
Diabetes became my mother, known as rejection, and depression, her twin, known as rage.
Insulin and Fluoxetine became my equally demanding toddlers; I was feeding a family of 6 at the age of 8.
I watched my brother become a tortured child, in his sleep - the sound of his waterproof sheets would keep me awake, as i lay worried that his screams were words he could not utter at his age.
I watched my sister grow cold as she watch her house burning down around her, and crying tears at the loss of her childhood, her eyes burned at me.
As i looked in the mirror, when i cried, i would flush the toilet just to hear what it feels like to be washed away.
Disappeared down the drain.
I shrunk 4 inches in 4 years, one inch for each bottle of poison, that said 'drink me'.
I shrunk 4 inches in another 4 years for every word that said 'eat me'.
I shrunk so that I could not grow, up.
I became broken, hard to 'fix'.
I became lost, without a cause.
I became the rebel, odd-one-out.
Family grew fractured, broken mirrors lay on all our floors, that we skirted around, lest we should bled it all out, what had happened.
Relationships broke, one after another, after, another, after, another, after....
Faces lost feeling, words became laws, feelings became problems, love became, raw and unused.
We dissipated, dissolved, into a million pieces of broken, into the world, held together by very thin words of 'family'
I am not a child anymore.
It's time to be heard.