"Sometimes I wonder if anything is actually real at all... or if it's just me"
" I mean... I doubt anything is real, and even if it is... I don't think any of it has any purpose."
"Ya? Like its all in our imagination... just a big shitty joke."
" Even if it...the world - reality; does exist; in a physical, permanent, sense, It's still all a matter of perspective on why it - or what it - (it being reality) is to you. It changes from person to person, and if you don't like it: you can change it. Which makes it seem even more like... it isn't real..."
"I just wish there was a purpose... I wish I could find a reason for my life."
"No one ever will, I don't think it's possible. The wish for reason, for a light at the end of the tunnel, is the ultimate weakness of man... but it's also the ultimate strength: it's all gratuitous - it's progress - sadness. The search for purpose is a lesson in futility... taught by hope."
" I think... I think I'm just... just tired"
"It is late"
"No, no not like that, not like physically, like of the way things are going, I'm just fucking tired of life."
"I am too... I think everyone is on some level. At least till you reach denial... or acceptance... or the ability to be oblivious - Life is a week of insomnia in an eternity of dreamless sleep - In the end none if it matters. I think if there is a purpose me and you will never be able to find it, we're only humans: we get tired, we get confused, scared, we misinterpret signs, we're filled with error. If we did find a purpose it'd be filtered through our perception, applicable to no one el-"
"You just passed the only store."
"... Sorry... I was too busy paying attention to you."
"Its ok, I didn't need it anyways. It was just an impulse thing."
"Impulses should be acted on though. You don't have much time for procrastinating, and you have to do it now because you never know when your numbers punched."
"...True..."
I pull up slow to the front of your house
we say goodbye
and god do I want to reach out and grab you
want to hold you - and not let go
lie
and tell you I know the reason
a reason
any reason.
Its an urge that spreads energy through my limbs from a pit in the bottom of my stomach
like it's going to shake me or tear me apart.
I want to kiss you,
but I just drive away slow
and contemplate how utterly useless everything really is.

can't you see?
your wake
is late

you took your life, away
& the one you call your wife,
does not want to stay

& the baby you call your first
is about to burst

my lungs can't hold on any longer
i've spent too long under water  

& now that you're awake,
you've realized your mistakes

you cannot undo the past
or make up in the eyes of absent

can't you see?
your wake
is late

I was torn between the worlds of a dream
and the awakened life
Tonight... I feel torn.. I am torn apart..
why does it have to be this way?
torn apart by time and space why?

Thiis isn't how it was meant to be when our hearts became entwined
we could not foretell that this thing was to be

Torn apart like a photo ripped in two,
one half being me and the other being you

I don't know why fate has dealt this hand
I only know the way I feel the pain thats in my mind

I see your tears inside my head
but can't kiss them away, I feel so helpless
Please give me a choice,
Please give me hope to survive
Struggling for a life
Struggling for a future
It was never clear
It was to be torn apart….

Your eyes never shine anymore,
your smiles are fading away..
All hopes are broken apart..
All joy is broken from the core.

Once I had you in my arms but you were torn away
Once I had you in my arms but we were torn apart

He ripped her off

Because he knew he wouldn't get caught

"That's what she gets

for trusting us" he thought

Everywhere people will try to take away your light

impose their own darkness and make you sorry

for even trying to let to it shine

don't listen to them

they don't know better than you

but learn from them

the things you won't do

I guess he was just lost

He does things because he won't get caught

but all he really wanted was to get caught

Sometimes I have to look at your pictures.

I wonder what you look like now

Right now

laying on your side in the middle of your bed, eyes closed

greasy hair

shirt off, boxers

arm outstretched

blankets rippled

alone, or maybe not

i like to think you are.

Not that I'm alone all the time

Because I haven't been alone this whole time

But I feel so alone in those times

Or I remember how alone I am

Without you

I've been too far for too long

I long to come back to this planet

and live in your world again

wasting the summer away

waiting for you all day

then going out at night

and coming back to your bed

so we could be alone

now you're alone

and you do all the same things without me

And I try to make do

Without you

I cleaned out an old drawer
of odds and ends.
    paperclips and the door to a battery case on some remote
    an orange candle stub, from Halloween I think
    batteries and four flashlights, though only one worked
    and parts of things I'm sure made sense to keep at the time
          I have no idea what they are now

I cleaned out an old drawer
  of things forgotten
      my daughter picture in a lost setting
      a letter of gratitude from a friend, but for what?
      a postcard from Barcelona
      graduation announcements for our friend's children
           I don't think I sent a gift

I cleaned out an old drawer
  of memories and my past
     a ticket stub from an evening with Isabel
     a newspaper clipping of my son in scouts
     old mother's day cards from the kids
     New York City subway map from October 2001
         Memories of adventure and affection

I cleaned out an old drawer
  and sorted, discarded and remembered
     batteries went together in a small box
    rubber bands and  coins in appointed places
    memories dusted off and replaced
        out of the drawer and back into my heart

My life has cabinet drawers
   stuffed with junk and trash mixed with treasures and tools
I think I'll clean my cabinet more often
     To organize things that I've needed
         like my mom and dads affection and support
         kind and playful  friends'
     Throw away useless things
          like anger, resentment, and regret
          to make room for our treasures
    And be reminded of what has been
         a childhood of play, security, and discovery
         magical children  and the wonder at every age
         my beloved's steadfast love and respect
I cleaned out an old drawer
        and found some peace.

1.
white chapel on a hill

sheep dot rugged, earthy slopes

ruminate on warm, sun-kissed dale

endless lines and lines of verdant tones

late afternoon sun slanting

behold, jaune compassion

alfalfa ocherous leans willowy in wind

distance of silence yearns on

afternoon shadows lie within majestic vales

powder-blue ranges in 3D tiers

shadowy rifts, like a painting out of heaven

lone tree not alone, reaches up

blinding turns and rust-coloured bends, twisty trails

two on horseback, apples for sale

reservoir as a hold all for all

brown mud is where redemption lies.


2.
sun dips away, out of reach

beyond the eye's catch

step out car

feel the ping of silence, deeply-alive zing

crowd in and then,

into the slot of torched horizon

the orange world slips . . .




S T, 19 May 2013