Like a drug I tear me apart.
Myself isn't usually a problem,
but her two cents can cause great damage.

I loves to write about love to come,
wishing upon dying stars far away.

Myself lives on instinct,
always defensive from being hurt one to many times.

And Me lashes out to hurt,
wanting to cause pain and gain power.

They are all in a constant battle.
I, the true self.

But when the odds are two against one,
there is little hope good will prevail.

We both found out simultaneously, coincidentally and instantaneously
Because when I saw him look into your eyes, right away I knew.
When he looked back at me, he knew.
When you looked at me, you knew.
And the pain in the pit of my soul dripped down to my stomach that then threatened so gratingly to let its contents out, as if smugly pronouncing that I was hollow, and I was.
The tears came in a hasty abundance and the words in an unfocused cluster and I attacked you.
And you were in the same state as I, but it was you whom my abrupt eyes saw fit to take blame.
It was you whom he used as a weapon to hurt me, and I know that guns don’t kill people, but at that moment I was ready to disassemble you, barrel, muzzle and grip because it was your trigger that was pulled when the bullet shot through my heart and I didn’t want to think about the shooter.
I didn’t want to think that he would hurt me.
I was used as a target by him and you would be used as a target by me
Because there is nothing easier than blaming those you don’t love, blameless as they may be.

I keep seeing hints of you
In forced synchronicity
Where everything adds up to 5
Maybe it's a sign
Or I'm losing my fucking mind again

Did you catch the hint?
Is the madman manifesting?
Impulsive manic mood swings to paper
Filling out with the Full Moon
As the Maiden waxes away

I'm watching
Light up my sacral bond
Lightning strikes
like shotgun blows to the sky
A peephole into Heaven's locker room

Blame it on the the rain
You caught me off guard
Out of sync
Girl you know it's true
That we're stranger than fiction

My siren in the satire
Muse in the mayhem of my mind
I could be your Vonnegut
As I'm Freudian slipping
On my spilled guts in the 5th slaughterhouse

Every time I'm near him
I'm...
Hesitant.
Hesitant to speak.
To say the wrong thing.
Hesitant to breathe.
To break the spell.
Hesitant to touch him
even though I want to.
He's something too special.
Some gift given to me accidentally.
I don't want to fuck it up.
I don't want him to walk away,
Because it feels too easy. Too good. Too right. Too special.
When I bump him, I feel it in my bones.
When I poke him, I turn to jelly.
It feels as though, for all the words I say, he lives eternal in my thoughts.
The way his half smile makes me not want to do anything other than smile back.
The way his eyes crinkle up when he's teasing me.
He asks me about my day — if I'm tired.
He stays with me through quick decisions.
I might be making this up in my head.
Carrying it too far, too fast.
But damn.
It feels good
To like and be liked
To talk and be talked to
To laugh and be laughed with
To almost be in love.

How could I say I LOVE YOU?
When you no longer listen?
How could I miss you?
When you no longer here, there or everywhere?
How could I be yours?
When you have never been mine?

I could only wish...
To say I LOVE..
Without caring... without hesitating..
I could only dream...
To meet you... To hold you..
Without fear... without worry
for all that existed in this world..
is only you.. me.. and love..

Hope to feel that freedom.. freedom of love...
you and me.. just us two..
nothing else matters..
only this special kind of love
that i feel for you...

You should have known...
My silent words.. my bleeding heart..
my unshed tears...
Tormented...
I shunned this love for a reason,
let it buried within...

Grieving my pain.. mourning my own death no more..
If you care.. come visit my grave..
Read what my tomb says..

" I SAID I LOVE YOU IN SILENT
TOO SCARED IF YOU COULD HEAR ME
I PROMISED I WOULD KEEP MY DISTANCE
KEEP MY DISTANCE AWAY.....
SO YOU'D NEVER FALL FOR ME...
YOU'D NOT EVEN HEAR MY WHISPERS... MY SILENT WHISPERS OF LOVE..
I DIED TODAY FOREVER WITH LOVE..
SO I KEEP MY DISTANCE AWAY...."

The tears run down her time worn skin
As she remembers the things that she had been
Memories of her sons marching off to war
And the knowledge that she would see them no more
Tears for her husband now long passed away
Tears for the news that she saw today
News off the death of another young man
Blown apart by a bomb in some far distant land

Tears for his parents now left to grieve
Tears for his wife and the children he leaves
She weeps for the sins of this of this sad weary world
She weeps as though it can blind all her cares

All she cares is just to weep
Weep her tears until it bleeds..
She weeps herself until she sleeps..
Sees her dead son's smiles in her sleep...
Her husband waves and his image becomes blurry..
She tries hard to keep them both in her memory..
The tears she hopes will keep her sane...
These tears are real story..
Now her life is only deep sweet memory

Wakes up again and still she weeps...
She remembers them, yes too dearly...
Her grief is just too deep... just too deep...
Memories of her loved ones keep taunting her sleeps
Every drops of her tears is painful indeed..
Does anybody care that she will spend the rest of her life to grief and to weep?

A river of tears that she weeps, does it worth it?
Will the hurtful memories one day fade?
Will she go crazy so to make it all so easy?
so .... should could no longer weep herself to sleep?

I love to sleep
I pretend I forget
I take it in doses
pretending I’m dead
and as I awake
It’s a shun just to know
that I’m thrust into the next day
with nothing to show
except empty lined pockets
turned out just to tell
running from this life
with soles smooth as hell
I neglect all ambition
and travel on foot
a shadow for companion
and at nights I take note
that this is not the last time
that I will fill this void
with ripped up repeats
and pieces that don’t fit
into my life
I’m a traveling band
that plays music so solemn
a soundtrack to my days
spent reused and for joy
written on misuse
and caution signs beware
that one day ill find you
and you won’t believe
the way my eyes scream for help
and you’re the air that I breathe
I’m more than depressed
more than they say
and your time won’t be wasted
on a misfit like me
I’m more than broken
I’m more than just the surface
bring me your real heart
and I’ll surely love it
because I used to lose control
I misplaced the intentions
but now I’m waiting here blind folded
bracing my self
waiting for the gun to go off
hoping ill be blown away
and I’ll wake up
look into that mirror
and know that someday
I’ll hear you whisper…
“You’re the one”

You wish you could grab  the hands on the clock and turn them back so fast.
You feel the pain in your heart and see the hurt in your eyes.
But not one soul seems to notice your pain.
No one  knows that you're keeping yourself together with tape and glue.
Closing your eyes so tight so not one tear can squeeze its way between the floodgates of your eyes.
Always giving away parts of yourself and never getting them back.
Always moving, always going and never having time to think about yourself.
Wishing you could show all those who've past what you've done and who you've become.
Your life is the never ending cycle of pain and you wish you could give it all away.
But you can't.
So for now all you have is tape and glue.

i wish you were here
why can't you be here?
why do you have to be
so
far
away?
-s.k.