The streets of Cleveland were cluttered with hatred
Night skies were set aglow by U.S. Steel
Lake Erie was a stagnant toxicity
47 Wilson was the home with curb appeal.
A short decade of winters I spent there
Cancer took him away at age thirty-three
Yet, in his suffering he had made a plan
That required a move to the mountains
of Tennessee.
He must of known the mountains would bring healing
To the brokenness of girl slightly shy of thirteen
Through the hills his voice whispered sweet comfort
And eased my anxiousness and erased my bad dreams.
Safety paved each road and rolled every pasture
Stars filled the darkest skies and the streams were pristine
My home stood at the end of a hollow
With a swing on the porch picturesquely, primitively serene.
For this, and too countless the reasons
I cling to the hills when I've lost all sense of "me"
For in them my "me" questions are answered
In in them,
I regain my sanity.
Tennessee Williams
Struggling in the coldest of rooms. Feeling blue, saddened smiles. Empty. Bloodshot eyes and fractured bones.This is all that's left. Vacant eyes. Black eyes reddened. Everything I touch turns into stone. The whispers in my mind fade away. I kind of feel like, I am meant to be this way. That this loneliness is destiny. This sinking feeling which rushes through my veins , then leaves and trickles down like autumn has met winter and the sun has failed to shine. That the motion of nothing has given more purpose. Fading shadows and life which is breezing through my mind, through dark shadows. How do I cope? When everything goes wrong. Who do I trust? When people do wrong. Longing for purpose but closure is so far away, the hearts of those that are beating are disconnected from the smell of ignorance floating through the air, and consequences of my mind will destruct. I can't focus solely on anything anymore, and I wish I could end everything, every spec of dust which falls over the mountains and rushes down the hills, trickling through the paths of despair. I would end it all. This world has lost all meaning. I have lost track of everything.
the cool stone his breath, he digs
hoping to find what he is longing for
the shimmer of a gold vain? sure of what they said
o how they told him long ago
so he blisters, too deep to remember, and how long the depths
the pick axe worn thin, blood and bone and steal and will
rip into the next swing, and cold chunks of stone
fall onto cold chunks of stone, piles, drifting in two and three
...wanting gold
to dig into a swinging party this deep must be a farce… yet
his hands no longer blister, and finding love brief and wonderful,
wild flowers in bloom, a field of holly, the most beautiful
dancing, the sway and whimsy of a ball surround
wind harps sweet air; the beat of the drums stead fast
and after the waltz, the moon walks them home,
knees… begin to ache, the weight of her beauty sore,
her pedals fall against the shores of lapping tides
and fading dreams…
and the longing for gold remembers him
….....deep underground, he awakens to hands blistered dry, now laying beside… detached
knees worn away, and his arms too… just pain the mind reassures
leaving his limbs behind, he must be close… this body to drag, is at least a bit lighter now
for the journey is another mouth full of dirt, the warm carbon against busted teeth
a broken inch crawls into light, the eyes struck blind and his tired tears do not stop him…
still the warm glow, somehow a reminder of the past, an old guide longing to meet him...
and something ancient still looms behind him too, a trail… the thick shadow, of fresh soil
so thoughts convince, to the center of the earth
or maybe a candle, that knows not that it shines,
the warmth he has been longing for, the shadow of dust behind
told of gold, sets off into the soil, and deeps the cold stone
and the cruel trick! or so he thinks, there is no gold down here at all!
just his warm laughter…
and the light ahead…
and the dung behind…
and the earth worm
continues to dig
with a smile
less than an inch away...
from summer grasses
and blooming
goldenrod
If a mermaid falls in love...
Where does she get weak,
Is that electric connection dangerous,
And if her breath isn't taken away...
What is?
©NDHK
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.
Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.
Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.
But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?
In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.
Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.
So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?
©NDHK
You ran down the sidewalk
from the front porch
creating water bombs under your feet
with every patter.
Struggling to gain speed
as your summer dress
gradually became a sponge.
The thunderous mini shouts
coming from your mouth
stopped me dead.
Shamefully trying
to hold up the facade between
my expression and your heart
was agonizing.
As you made it up to the spot
my feet backed up from,
glowing desperation
could be seen in your
water well eyes.
Simultaneously stomping side to side
and tugging harshly down
my shirt you looked up
with a pleading confusion that
broke something inside me.
I couldn't give you
a straight simple explanation
for the question you kept
begging over and over to be answered.
You couldn't understand
how difficult the decision
to walk away from you that night was.
The choice
to better the one
who was to better you.
It was selfish
but in that moment I needed
to be for the right reasons
this time.
Let me tell you now though,
that you reaching up
and hanging off my neck like a pendant,
almost made me
toss the idea that I could do it
on my own and succeed,
appear believable.
I inhaled the smell of you
until I felt my lungs burn
and I held on hoping to convey
the meaning of this crisis in time
through our skin.
I couldn't give life
to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.
My time was running down
and my willpower
was getting edgy.
I knew that if I didn't
take those steps
into the unknown
I wouldn't be able to walk by your side
in all of our tomorrows.
So as you fought the untangling
of your scared limbs
and exhumed that agony smeared face
from my chest,
I breathed you in once more.
When you finally reached
a bump in the constant trill of sobs
pouring from your mouth I said,
"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."
I knew you hated those words
as I said them
but loved hearing me talk.
It meant that was
another minute more you had with me.
I kept up the
reassurance for the same reason.
A definitive honk
behind me proceeded the
collapse of your restraint.
Thrashing forward
with hawk like fingers
and indistinguishable words
you were held back with help.
It enraged me
to feel as if I couldn't touch you
but it was for both our benefits.
Holding onto your eyes
and the last of my control,
I grimaced a smile
that couldn't quite make it
and turned.
I rolled the window down
to get the full effect of you voice
in my head to take with me.
It would be the push
to do better,
be better.
When the driver asked
if I was ready
I said yes
while screaming never inside.
I squeezed shut my lids
and prayed I was already
back in our home
cuddled up together
on the rainy porch.
All in the matter of minutes
I felt the precious innocence
drain partly from
our life.
Thankful to the rain
for at least hiding my
swollen eyes from you.
If I could leave you
with the illusion
of strength
I hadn't earned yet.
Feeling the car pull
slower than necessary
is what did it.
My senses over powered me
as I gasped out
that horribly contain sob.
I knew it was
the right thing I had to do
but it was killing me.
I cut out my heart
and left it with you.
All to the
gradually fading song of your sorrow
from my window.
"Come back mama, come back!"
©NDHK
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
Ghost in my mind
Not letting me hide
An unknown ghoul
That grips my soul
With silver fingers
And words that linger
Burning deeper
Burning deeper
Leaving fright
Behind in this night
A chill, a shiver
And lips that quiver
Hands that shake
With what’s at stake
Burn and wait
Burn and wait
Hands raise
To cover my face
As I start to accept
Sway my heart to rest
And everything burns
As everything fades
The beating
The beating
Sounding further away
Lowered to grave
As I sigh to death
I am an open book.
Most people choose not to read me.
Some people are frustrated when my
Pages stick together or
The footnotes are too small
But it’s all there
And if you’re hooked from the start
And can’t put me down
To eat
Or sleep
Then I’ll know you really love me
Because you don’t choose to stay
Instead you can’t turn away
And you like it.
