I want to dive deep
Into the ocean,
just to disappear for a while.
Maybe even forever...
no one there would judge or know me
i like being lonely..
At least i could be a little happy
This pain i can no longer bare
Empty feelings in my heart
i need a breath of fresh air..
running away is never
the answer it just creates
more problems like cancer..
You have to fight the pain in order to survive to gain.
the way the water
sways my body back
& forth east by north.
Just to lose myself in it,
Forget all the
lies guys arised
& to start living
freely with no feelings.
so the stars can project
straight through my ceiling
into the depths of my
heart listening to music..
Standing by the class
all these kids
and they ask where is my phone
glued to these things
inanimate in nature
physical is the feeling
keep your eyes away
for all the people
that you wish to hide
go and hide inside a hole
hide your face from
all these people
that think they know your hunger
for this pride that you have been hiding
put your hate on your head
put yourself back in blue
introvert style man what should I Do?
You step in my life again
I beat you in the dirt
Mess with my life again
I fuck you up
Mess with my love
I kill you
I would call it love.
If you would-
It would validate every feeling
I feel when you are away
I think it would
Remind me that we are two
In a sick body we named the world
And even through you call me heart
And I call you lung
And even though we aren’t in the same place
In this body
I still pump blood for you
And you still filter air for me
And I’d call that love
If you would.
Stars are invading my vision and everything is blank. All I see is blinding darkness for the next few hours. When I finally wake, I see myself hanging from my rope attached to my ceiling. I gasp in horror. My throat closes up and my eyes betray me when they allow warm tears to form puddles on my sunken-in cheeks as I watch myself sway in horror. I quickly compose myself and the silence I hear is piercing. I wait. I wait. I wait. In the next two hours, I hear someone enter my house. I freeze. I hear keys jingling and the removal of coats. Next I hear voices. Two separate voices. Two familiar voices. My muscles ease up when I realize the foreign people are simply my parents. I hear stairs creaking. (I always hated those stairs. they reverberated booming creaks while I was trying to quickly maneuver my way up them after a deceitful night of sneaking out to see someone who was my very first heartbreak - but that's a different story.) I hear laughter. I hear happiness. I hear desperate calls for my name. I hear silence. I hear frantic knocking on my door. "Open this door right now young lady! We do not have time for your disobedience at the moment!" The door swings open. Sobs. Screams. My mother falls to the floor. I hear my mother calling out for my father, begging him to somehow comfort her.
My father files in. His mouth opens. Tears escape his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them. Through his cloudy vision, he spots my note of finals words. He reads the first few sentences. "It was my time to go, I felt it in my bones. This was for the best, for I was only making a mess. I was making a mess of my life. I ruined myself. I had to leave. I am very sorry." He only gets that far until he drops the note and frantically dials 911. "Operator! Operator! I just found my daughter, she, she hung herself!"
"Please be patient sir, we'll have someone there right away." And with that he hangs up. He looks at my fragile mother. Then to me. He eyes me up and down before shouting to no one in particular, "Why?" He loses it and breaks down even more. My mother is still sobbing. Her shoulders are shaking. I ache for her. When I was alive I had not known I could have such an effect on people. I'd always considered myself dead, on the inside that is. Now I really was dead. And there's no going back. As much as I wish I could take it back, I cannot. And for that I apologize. I snap out of my thoughts and bring my vision back to my parents. The ambulance is here. They cover me in a white sheet and take me away. My mother tries to go into the ambulance but the paramedics stop her. They drive off. My mother falls onto the street. My father beside her. They are both apologizing. They are apologizing to me. Saying how they should've been there for me. Saying they should have noticed something and helped me. They are apologizing to each other. A day later, my best friend finds out. She sprints into her room and slams her door. Carefully, she selects a razor from her wooden cabinet in the bathroom and drags it across her wrist. "I'm sorry, I should've known. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she whispers. And with that, she's gone. I have caused all of this. I caused turmoil and pain, I am the reason for my best friend to take her life. I had not known people actually cared about me. I soon realize the severity of my poor judgement. And at that very moment, what was left of my ghostly my soul withered away. I decayed into stardust and floated into space. I am gone.
Dear King ,I used to call
You were never the bravest of them all
You left without a word
And with no gift in return
Remember your little princess?
You said you loved and never let go
Well,after you got a new one
She's only bear with pain and sorrow
What about your precious prince
That one day is going to take your position?
Well he sure is going to be a better King
By leaving him,he was only strong and determined
The old queen,she didn't know what to do
Her heartache continues
for she worked for the both of them
Well King?How is your life with the better wife?
Is it nice , is it wonderful?
Is it like the Fairytale you want to come true?
Is it worth letting your old family go?
Is it worth the scars on your little princess?
Is it worth the burden the old queen had?
Is it worth making the Prince a knight?
For all we know it wasn't his fight .
It was yours my king, you left
It rains everyday in my kingdom
No more sunshine and daisies
It's not your problem anymore though
Because you left my king
I hope you're doing alright
Because everytime I look at the other princesses
They look up to their king
They say that once they found their true love
They won't ever forget who was their first hero
However for me, dad
You may be my first hero
But that title was snatched away from you
The moment you let us go.
Each night the little girl builds a fortress of pillows and blankets to protect herself from the irrational fear and the very real nightmares that overtake her in the darkness. She forgot to build that fortress last Friday night...and left the extra pillows on the floor and the bear she sleeps with in a chair. The above facts were brought to my attention the next night as the hus was heading to bed. As typical, he exits the man-cave and stands in the hallway and announces that he is going to bed (as though I'm unable to see him?). Then he says, as he says every night, "Come hold me?"...knowing that I will say, "Sure, I'll be right there." but 'right' really represents several hours... Last night there was a slight deviation to our nightly verbal exchange as he said, "Last night you didn't build your fortress and I don't know what was going on but I woke up at 2:30am and I had like 6 inches of space in the bed because you were so close to me." Hum...I guess I took the "come hold me" phrase seriously on Friday night.
I don't know why the deviation from my normal set up...but I do know that there is this desperate little girl inside of me who longs to be held, but other, more 'grown-up' parts inside of me who know we're supposed to be beyond that now and it will never be - nor will they ever allow that to happen.
I also know that a lot of the time it's difficult for the hus to understand where I am and what's going on with me...I can't even begin to explain it to him when I often don't know myself. So I tend to air on the side of "quietness" in my communication with him too. In other words, I don't often take off the mask in front of him, or ask him for help. Part of me feels bad for him…I recognize that's it's difficult to have a relationship with someone with my history, and I can be more than a handful (understatement...understatement...) and it isn’t easy for anyone to stick with 'us' through the bad times...the really bad times. I get that - and not just with him.
That's why I pull away instead. It's difficult enough for me to deal with all the different and conflicting parts of me - how can I expect anyone else to do it with me? The one who aches for reassurance and care, the one who sabotages any attempts to act like a sophisticated adult with her fears and desperate and confusing needs. The one who aches with the desire to be loved, saved, fixed…on a never-ending search for something to make her feel whole, safe, "unmolested". The sophisticated adult…the professional cold grown woman who hides her insecurity by pretending to be self-confident...some even call her 'stuck-up'. The party girl who can only react to situations with humor and laughter even in the most inappropriate times. The little girl who desperately wants to be held safely by someone who will not hurt her.
How can anyone else get through to all of that? I can't do it and believe me, I've tried.
Today, the sophisticated adult is holding steady at the helm...on 'therapy' day, which typically means she will act as though everything is great with the world, even though inside, everyone else is screaming and suffocating under the weight of the fear...sadness...anger...shame... hopelessness. And it is virtually impossible to break through that exterior because she holds the key to lock others out...particularly the therapist because she needs no one, and that holds double for someone who told the 5 year old to "deal with it" because she is busy...and "make another choice since it's after 10 and the closed sign is out"...after being there way after 10 for the little girl for 2 years.
And then, late tonight, when the wind howls, and the snow begins to fall, and the coldness seeps inside of this body and weaves its way up my spine, the desperation will begin, followed by the crying...then the overwhelming fear and hopelessness that will be unrelenting and she will be inconsolable until she cries herself into a restless sleep and wakes up tomorrow with a migraine and swollen red eyes.
You might be thinking, "Nita, if you KNOW that's what's going to happen then can't you stop it? Can't you make a different choice and let the therapist try to help you?"
I don't know why it all seems so out of my control - I can watch it play out but I cannot intervene or stop it. I wish I could...she won't let me use the key either to unlock the door.
A white rose
Crumbling to the ground
As winds blow the petals
Where memories are found
In the sacred light of dawn
Becoming souls of light
Joining to God's blessed gift
To walk along the sacred road
As newness floods the soul
Bringing cleansing fire
To burn away the pain
Where life begins
White petals fall
all along the ground
Filled with beauty and light
For us who walk along
the dark tunnels of life
Where darkness creeps
Trying to destroy what little light
the soul holds
As memories slide through my hands
Treasures fade in this old world
Leaving me yearning
for a back step door
to walk through
To reach the times and memories
spent with you.
By Weeping willow
Miss my family
My heart seeks your beat
Alone in bed is my danger.
I still crave your heat
But my desire was left in hunger.
All I wanted us to be
The empty promises we made.
Do you still want me?
How did we let our love fade?
Was it just a childish dream?
To run away from the world
Where we couldn't hear a scream
Only watch our lives unfold.
Free from the oppression
And the judgmental stares.
Up high on our mountain, deep in discretion.
I can almost feel your tender love and care.
Why then couldn't we fix
The wrinkles in our blanket of love?
I thought we were a perfect mix
Yet your affection I had to shove
But forever I'll be wondering
Why it couldn't be.
Had to leave with your love lingering
Just you and me.
Here I stand waiting for the love I want to have
still looking for my love among the ruins
this was a place I once did dwell
before this month of hell
oh how I miss the warmth
for winter resides in my heart
I want my wings back
did not deserve this
how much have I prayed to you lord
yet you still turn away from me
am I just another sick experiment
to see how humans can suffer
So I look for love among the ruins
looking for the fractured me
still wanting to be loved
but even God has no trust in me
so may I die my sweet Lord
with what is left of my dignity
By Christos Andreas Kourtis aka NeonSolaris