Sometimes I’m fine with my life
With my world
Happy content at where I am at
Then out of the blue
A flashback hits me unexpectedly
I could be doing something simple
Like getting ready for work
Or preparing for a day out
Or even just going to bed
When WHAM…It hits me out of the blue
My world suddenly starts to crumble
The memories sharp and so clear
The violence the hate
The beatings the rapes
It’s like a dagger to my heart
All the memories and pain
It just rips my world apart
I have never claimed to be a saint
I can never be perfect in mine own eyes
I am who I am a victim of circumstance
One thing that has helped me through these bad dreams
These nightmares of pain
Is being here with my friends on the best site I’ve ever been
Thanks from my heart for just being my friend
©KG 2013

When the world lies to you,

Who is there left to trust?

When life falls apart,

What's left to piece it back together?

When an angel loses its wings,

Who will fly us to safety

If love is blind,

How are we able to see who we love?

If you break a promise,

How can you still keep it?

When you destroy a heart,

How do you expect to be given a second chance knowing that, that heart can never love again?

Chew on this for a minute...

You tell me that I am young
That life has merely licked me, not stung
That I do not understand, that I have not yet lived
Enough to grasp the substance

I have known disease
Slow tears, muted pleas
Pain that nothing could appease
I have known the smell of hospitals for summers
The beeping and slurping of machine in massive numbers

I have spoken to voiceless loved ones,
Loved ones with teethless mouths and twisted tongues
Distorted jaws and wheezing lungs.
We have spoken with little green charts
And broken hearts
From the inability to connect the mouth to the thoughts in the head
And I left without understanding,
What they had said
Because I eventually had to let it go
(I still don't know)

I have spent countless summer nights
In nature’s garb, floating silently in a river
So warm that my limbs, skimming the surface, didn't shiver
Under a clear sky, the stars like paradisiac lights
Without anyone ever finding out
About these wild and primal escapades

I've drank, I've smoked
I have burned my throat
With coarse lemon gin
Until I could no longer feel my skin.

I have been frightened
Yes I have felt fear, like a noose around my throat being tightened
Like a gruesome black crow, perched on my shoulder
I have often awoken affright at night,
Longing, praying, for the morning light
I have felt fear, wild, fierce and turbulent fear
More than anyone will everyone will ever know
By men, by life, by myself
Desolate under the sheets, like a forsaken toy
All by myself

I have seen Paris in the rain
Traveled the French countryside by train
I've woken up to New York window views
And seen New Orleans afternoons, filled with heat and blues.
I've swam the Mexican Baja waters, turquoise and clear
With snakes as sharp as spears

I have known humiliation
Causing my cheeks to turn carnation
A spoon, emptying my insides out
Like a gourd

I have loved
I have known the aching pain of a swelled heart
And the way it can tear you apart
I have gushed torrents upon my pillows and sleeves
Tears running down my chin like guilty thieves
From a lit-up house

I have known death, and grief
The meaning of "never"
Whimpering in the school bathroom
And cold, lonely nights

I have seen the works of Van Gogh, Mondrian, and Miro,
Modigliani, Cezanne, and Frida Kahlo
Of Monet, Gauguin, Matisse, Magritte, and Picasso
I have wandered through hallways of masterpieces
Holding tight to my grandmother's hand
And I have wept shamelessly for joy
Before Degas's La classe de danse

I have been diagnosed
I have undergone computer programs designed to shift my brain, to better it
To get me to be normal, to submit
I have had brain-altering medicine shoved down my throat,
Like stuffing a goose,
To make my brain run a little less loose
And I have submitted and gotten use to my brain being altered.

I have had kisses that were mere trifles
Frivolous, yet fierce and acute like shots from a rifle
Lips of mere flesh, not sweet godly nectar
And gazes that meant everything
That seemed to connect with an invisible yet indestructible string
Iris like distant galaxies and pupils twinkling like black jewels
Eyes that seemed enkindled by some ethereal fuel
Speaking of emotions far too secluded, cryptic and cluttered
To be worded and uttered

I know the way in which violence resides
Not in commotion, brusqueness, nor physical harm
But in silence
In the time that covers pain and secrets
In the slow impossibility of trust
In the way that some secrets become inconceivable to tell, time has so covered them in rust
In that dull, dismal ache
In all that is doomed to remain forever opaque.

I have read, for pleasure,
The works of Balzac, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, and Voltaire
Of Bobin, Gaude, and Baudelaire
Of Flaubert, Hemingway
and good old Bradbury, Ray
Émile Zola,  Primo Levi
Moliere, Rousseau, and Bukowski
I have read, and loved, and understood

I have known insomnia
The way a beach knows the tides
Sleepless nights of convulsive, feverish panic, of clutching my sides,
Of silent hysteria and salty terror.
I know what happens at night, when sweet slumber seems so far away
The worries and woes seem to multiply and swell in hopeless disarray
My lips grow pale, my eye grow sunken
As a time ticks by, tomorrow darkens




I have witnessed horror
In the form of a blue body bag
Being rolled out with a squeaking drag
By two yellow-vested men
With apologetic eyes
That seemed to say "Oh god
We're so sorry you had to see that
Please, please
Go home
And try to forget"

But you are right
I am still just a child
Naive, innocent, and pure
I have known nothing dark or obscure
I have not yet lived.

comfort
safety
everything I needed
& she was holding me.
forehead to forehead I'm crying
& she's so calm so slow so high so careful
not enclosing me
just there
as I'm buckling under the weight
of the pieces I've just
put together.
I'm sitting there
forever with her hand on the nape of my neck,
pixie queen eyes never faltering,
meeting my pleading
alarmed gaze. "It's okay baby girl"
she whispers it
over & over

she reaches up & presses her thumbs down on my airways shaking me & my head keeps smacking the concrete. Both a crack and a thump in my skull. But later it's me: beating her face into the floor breaking her nose her face all apart makes me feel sickeningly alive, mortifies & exhilarates at once. I'm terrified of her, yes, but more so of myself. "It's okay baby girl." Is it? Because night after night sleeping pill after sleeping pill I'm dreaming of ending it all.

Oh, of all the ways I could end.

I can taste it on your lips,
I can see it in your eyes.
With every hit you take,
is another lie.
Even though I have all the time for you love,
I can't just stand in the middle
and watch you crumble.
Your voice has turned into a hissing mumble.
You are no longer strong, you are weak and brittle.
You are tumbling, tumbling down a hill.
Little by little, will tell of your defeat.
Your every relapse,
gives a stake to my heart,
Your every disappearance,
rips me apart, and leaves me wondering if you are alive.
When did this start? How did this start? And, will this end?
I begin to answer those questions, but the last, for I do not know.
But I will be there,
By your side.
Do not worry my dear,
for I am here, to guide you in recovery,
to be your catalyst in your salvation.
Temptations, Temptations.
The lust and desire for more..
I am wishing I would have found you before
you found this synthetic galore.
This synthetic galore,
that rips and gnaws at your core.
You swore to me,
you promised.
Please this time,
just be honest.

Will you promise to hold me while I fall apart?
Will you promise me to light the way we're heading?
Will you promise me those two things?

Will you promise to make me keep breathing?
Will you promise me that you'll hold my hand?
Will you keep these promises if you make them?

Will you promise to be my sister until the end of time?
Will you promise me that we'll make the climb side by side?
Will you promise?

Will you promise me you'll love me?

I hope you love me
I hope you'll climb next to me
I hope you and I will be sisters forever
I hope you take my hand in yours
I hope I keep being forced to breathe
I hope you'll light the way
I hope you will hold me when I fall apart

But that's all I can do.
Is pray, hope, wish, believe you'll keep these promises
Babe, I love you so much, you have no clue.

Taz, you're my sister from another mister.
Just promise me this:
Forever and always, TOGETHER.

Men are like shoes
You have to learn what pair to choose
The pretty ones will be in the front row
The front row is always seen first
And yes the shoes look marvelously perfect

But before you buy those shoes
TRY THEM ON
Because some shoes can cause pain
Can hurt, and leave mark behind
They will leave you torn apart
They will look perfect but feel so unpleasing

Sometimes we forget that the shoes in the back, exist
We choose the ones that are put in front of us
And we get lost in the same idea of nothingness
Sometimes those pretty shoes don't fit
but we keep them because our heart desires them

But the shoes that truly fit us are in the back,
the ones that are not as brilliant to the eye
yet, they have the notion to make us feel better

We have to decide whether we keep wearing the same shoes
Keep hurting ourselves
Or instead look for that pair that will make us feel new and better/.

A smile like gold,
A heart like dust.
Eyes like the rain,
A face that will only bring pain.

He tells you things,
Like how you look nice.
He kisses your cheeks,
And makes you blush.

Uses your body,
Like you're a doll.
Tells you sweet words,
To make you fall.

Pushes you down and takes control.
He doesn't care about you,
Or anything in this world.

He tells you he loves you,
He tells you he cares.
He tells you he will always be there.

His lips only speak lies,
His hands only do what they know how to do;
They softly brush your heart,
And then they rip it apart.

I want you to fall apart like I did.
To feel the pain of not having me there.
To look at your phone,
And have to fight every fiber of your being,
To not text me.
I want you to feel empty,
Without me there.
I want you to look outside,
And pretend like I was there,
Then have to realize that I’m not,
And I’m not ever going to be.
I want you to feel the pain of knowing,
That I’m happy without you.
Because that’s what I feel.
I’m falling apart here without you.
And you couldn't be happier with her.
I just want you to fall apart like I am.