how are you? what's up?
you sense my loneliness and
tell me:
you're cute. you're cute
kind of turns me on in a way
i'm glad we're on the same wavelength
we're connected--so synced
so obviously vulnerable
i don't know how this works
but
i'm not interested
in anything else
and
can i just, can i just say
you don't have to put on a front for me anymore
you are
this sleepy, rumpled,
put-together mess
of
hyperempathy issues
fear and sadness
and frustration
you're perfect
beautiful
god, god, god
i have to tell you something
incredibly embarrassing
(shivering--
really gracelessly
i'm laughing but
i can't breathe)
i'm glad you pushed me
to get to you
I can’t taste you anymore
And my whole body has gone numb
The beat of my heart consumes me
My throat must weigh a ton
There should be a eulogy
When true lovin’ ups and dies
Yet the time I spend mourning
Is my only consolation prize
Up to the time it happens
You worry that it will
Avoiding ever so cleverly
The final straw that kills
But you know, it’s not so bad
That’s if you at least love yourself
Or if you can find some special comfort
In that certain someone else
You say I'm your friend
You don't treat me like one
So Cold
The warmth that we both shared
Where did it go?
I don't know
Do I, bother you even though you say I don't
Your voice, sweet and kind turned bitter and cold
Reassure, me always by telling me that we're good
I want to, believe you but I'd be lying to myself
You say I'm your friend
You don't treat me like one
So Cold
Your thoughts turned so dark
I don't know who you are
Anymore
Find out, the source of all your agitation and misery
Turns out, this forsaken and relentless enemy is me
Shut down, I can't believe and I don't know what to think
Breakdown, the burned bridge, of what was my hope is gone
You say I'm your friend
You don't treat me like one
So Cold
Cold days slowly go by
You're still in my mind
Always
Breathe life into this
Cold & Broken
So Cold
Smiles don't exist
Whisper goodbye
Alone
And I, walk away leaving you behind
Always, and forever you will be on my mind
I told you.
I told you over ten times.
I am not to be trusted.
I told you I would only anger you more.
I told you I was a monster.
I cannot truly love.
For I have no heart.
I am a could soul.
My spirit is dead.
My body runs on pain.
Hatred, anger, depression.
They all make me.
I will never hurt you anymore.
I know I have said this in the past.
This time I will make sure of it.
I will wipe myself off this earth.
I will have never existed.
You will never have to see me.
You will never have to be hurt by me.
So this is my last goodbye.
"You got my heart don't know how you did it."
You know who you are...
she left me
i always knew she would.
and so she did.
bella means beautiful, and somehow even without an L
it meant so still
bela
why can't friendships just be perfect
i would have stayed her friend for as long as she wanted me
oh wait-
she didn't want me anymore.
i walked down a dirt path the other day
and i held our friendship in my hands, i cradled it,
i carried it to her room and set it on her bed
along with pieces of our lives
when i set it down i felt a pain in my chest
i looked down
shards of my heart
mixed in.
Between a shaking voice and frozen palms, I am begging you to shine a light all over this. Illuminate every place from the top of my skull to the soles of my feet that you have fallen out of love with. Just don't breathe deeply & leave me with a half-hearted kiss in the dark again. Steal the shining hope right out of my eye sockets because I'd rather melt wrecklessly into your truth than stand firmly in your lies.
Years past so fast it seems
You are not a child anymore
I am happy
But sometimes I miss those days
When I had to tuck you in bed
And tell you stories
To help you fall asleep
Oh, and do you remember
That monster
The one that used to hide
Under your bed
The one I had to chase away
So you could sleep peacefully
It's under my bed now
Laughing at me
~Natasha~
P.S. For Angie
My memories pile up
Like clumsy white clouds
Against a backdrop of pure blue
Casually bumping into each other
Without a "pardon me"
Or a second glance
Memories compiled of the days we spent
The days where every second was
Filled with feeling
Whether it be intense and passionate
Or lonely and desolate
I'm not sure if I feel anymore
Or if I've become like the sun
Lazily drifting in out of the clouds
Sometimes radiating artificial warmth
If only to try to keep others happy
And it's becoming harder to escape
The muddle of these puffy white shapes
And more and more nights
I'm spending lying awake at
Times of the night that cause overthinking in some
And pregnancies in others
Trying to blow the clouds off the
Remnants of my sanity
But I can't seem to find a way
To make my skies clear blue again
I feel too much but
nothing at all.
There is a burning in the pit
of my stomach that ignites
a fire in my throat.
There is a heaviness in my heart and a
sorrow flooding my soul.
I am as blue as the ocean
during a hurricane.
The rain beats down upon me and
melts into the waves that thrash behind my ribs.
I can't hear my heart beating
over the monsoon
but
I can hear my ribs cracking from the
weight of it all.
I can't feel my heart beating anymore
and
I just want to go home.
But home was never a place for me,
and I don't know what home feels like anymore.
There is a darkness that weighs
heavy down upon me,
and I swear I will not stand again.
I will forever be on my knees in the
face of this monstrous chasm.
It is inside of me. You can't run
far from your own desolation.
I feel too much, and nothing
at all.
if you sigh
and tell me that he doesn’t love you,
if you sigh
and say he’ll eventually forget about you,
i will remind you.
i’ll remind you
that all of those whispered
sweet nothing’s
become everything
when it’s late at night
and your limbs are so
wound up
that you can’t tell whose
is whose anymore.
when there are actions to
back the sweet everything’s up,
soft temple kisses
like praying for a peaceful night,
a warm hand on the small of your back.
sweet,
everything and anything sweet.
but not nothing.
