I have been longing, waiting, and yearning
for someone to come into my life and pick me up.
Someone who would tell me how much he loved all of me
when I looked at myself in the mirror with sad eyes.
Someone to listen and speak with kindness
when my mind is crazy with doubt.
Someone to hold me close
when I feel alone.
What I haven't realized is that he has been here with me all along.
He has told me how beautiful my flaws make me.
He has listened and spoken to me so reassuringly that I no longer am afraid.
He has surrounded me with people that comfort me and has sent his spirit to calm me.
He will never leave or stop loving me.
He is my Lord, and also yours.
It is horrible, to have such precious moments
and then return to the nothingness
(I rather do not return to the shore of tsunami's and
people screaming and black waves consuming me,)
( I'm afraid, I'm afraid)
To feel so much happiness all at once-
leaving absolutely nothing behind
(I rather do not feel that empty, a blank mind and hollow eyes,
sharp razor drawing lines on a pale skin,)
(I'm afraid, I'm afraid)
I went from being at a terrible place,
to being in your arms
It has been the happiest and most warm I've felt in months
and for once, I can say
I found someone who makes me happy
You make me happy
and that, makes me terribly afraid.
They visit me at night
Love me so
Tuck me in
When they finally leave
They whisper goodnight
At first I was scared
But I was so alone
So I invited them
Into my home
They are demons if you want to know
But I'm not afraid
They're my friends you know
They've stuck around for three years
The first came when I cut
The second when I attempted suicide
And the last when I was left all alone
They comfort me
In words at a whisper
A whisper only I can hear
In my head.
When i met her, she was so afraid of this life and needed someone. like all this worlds cruelness had caused her being to come undone.
In our start, it seemed so perfect, our future right there to see. I thought we'd be forever, in love and live happily.
but then she started changing, taking me for granted, like somehow her heart and love for me had been transplanted.
I have no idea how or why this happened, all i know now is my heart is flattened, her love for me is gone. and all people tell me to do is move on
my love for her just wont go, I just don't see how it could, most people's logic of love must be very misunderstood.
For if someone you love was to just stop loving you. I'm sure you wouldn't know what to do, your love for them will just stay, causing you pain every single day. all your emotions just black. because you want that connection back. knowing no matter what you do, she will never again be in love with you.
I was a fool to keep in touch, it caused me to hurt too god damned much, to watch her fall in love with someone else, It made me want to kill myself, so nearly two years later, i thought i would have grown to hate her, but no I still love her to this day, and my heart will forever stay this way, destined to be on my own. for she is the only love, I have ever known.
she's convincing me to run away with her to a wasteland, above the clouds
a paradise where no one ever comes down
but they're holding so tight, singing 'I'll never let you go'
while she's on the other end, the voice in my head, saying just let go, be free, let your demons rest
but I'm remembering bright eyes and the shine of the moon on ocean waters
and I don't get how 5 months ago
everything was more than fine
I'm lightheaded now, delusional and untrustworthy to open my mouth
I'm afraid if I try to speak, all my secrets will spill out and I won't be able to stop myself from showing you my naked, wrecked mine
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn't have to play with or be around me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing most my classes at school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
All my family made fun and they called me names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say whatever they pleased
They all knew my mother would not try to defend
Because she and my grandmother started the trend
Once I told my mother that I was happy about something
She said happiness was by me not deserved but a thumping
Mother was always mad at me since I never wanted any piano, ballet, or baton lessons
I had my own mind, and impressing other people in life was not one of my obsessions
Could never make my mother happy, she was always very angry
I use to hit myself, scratch my face because she drove me crazy
When I was ten got mother a gift at the five & dime for her one birthday
She tossed the gift in the garage, called it junk, said was best to throw away
On Christmas day, when I unwrapped a gift if I didn't act surprised in a certain way
She'd throw a fit, get drunk and make me feel guilty about things the rest of the day
I was always afraid of my mother, never knew
what she next to me that she would try to do
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
Never knew of anyone I could be close to, for a hug or some kind words
Things were always bad I needed encouragement and for me to be heard
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
I am anger with a beard
The shot in the night you didn't heard
Tearing through your child's mind
I'm the lonely rapist just behind you
Taking it all as I slide inside you
I'm the devil in disguise
With glowing crimson eyes
I'm the priest of no faith
Nothing left to replace
I'm the darkness you call home
As your last call echos
I'm the razor your afraid to lose
Tearing you open to live inside you
I'm the parasite deep inside
That infests your sleep
I'm the bastard you never loved
Killing himself to psalms
I'm the violent man in blue
Beating you black and blue
I'm the car in the incoming lane
When you hit black ice and can't sustain
I'm the doctor you run to
When your ready to be euthanized
Running through these dark halls,
being chased by bulls and
my own thoughts.
I'm more afraid of the bulls.
My thoughts are dull and focus on
rocket science and The Green Arrow.
That might be a lie.
I am no scientist.
The arrow flies through this thick air.
I am choking on the pollution of others.
Air so dense,
it makes the weeds ashamed.
They are pushed off of their pedestal.
What happens if I fall?
Left to die in this dark hall.
Crawling towards freedom,
while the hall runs away from my memories.
The door grows larger,
encompassing the wall.
The door handle is made of solid brass,
too heavy to turn.
A knocking fills the hall with thunderous applause.
all is white,
I can smell the subtle hint of perfume and
feel the wind on my face.
It's comforting to know
that this is how I will die.
Afraid of the dark
Afraid of the shadows
Watching from behind
Afraid of the sparrows.
Afraid of the night,
Afraid of the flight.
Hiding behind the curtains,
Afraid of moonlight.
Afraid of the trees,
Afraid of the breeze.
He didnt like his place,
Afraid of the seas.
Afraid of the jaguar,
Afraid to go too far.
Hated the idea of living,
Afraid of the scars.
Afraid of the oceans,
Of the ships sailing by.
Afraid of the sunrise,
Also Afraid of the sky.
Afraid of the drums,
Afraid of the beats.
He told like liked competition but
Afraid to sow the seeds.
Afraid of the cross,
Afraid of the shine.
Hated to boast himself a lot
Afraid of the rhyme.
Afraid of the colours,
Afraid of the rainbow.
Colour blind he wishes he was
Afraid of the world .
Afraid of the melody,
Afraid of the songs.
Broken strings of the guitar,
Afraid of the strong.
Afraid of the screams,
Afraid of the dreams.
Wasn't sure of his abilities,
Afraid of the teams.
Afraid of the paradise,
Afraid to rise.
He wanted death,
Afraid of the lies.
I wanted love
wanted more than love
I wanted it unhealthy
maybe it wasn't love
it was obsession
I was so afraid to lose you
I treated you as though
you were already gone.