Concrete walls to keep me in check
And make us all conform to your laws
And teach us responsibility
Grinding normality into our skulls
Grinding on my nerves
They never got to heal
Every brush of skin
Makes me feel the walls close in
No music to soothe
To block the noise
Inside or out of my head
180 more days
The expect a 180 degree turn
In my behavior from last year
But all I can do is stare
And dream of the woods
A feeling or a sense
Something that is different
Separate from the rest
A glance a sneer
A hidden joke
Now its one or two
The only one not laughing?
It is always you
It doesn't take many
The focus of three or four
A nickname like fatty
Or geek or whore
The teacher's they don't notice
Its just foolish play
Tell that to the child
That cries to sleep each day
Try to join their group
It just makes it worse
They now have you closer
To play their evil games
They feed upon your pain
Your grades are poor you can't explain
The teachers say your lazy
The bullying has altered you
You think you have gone crazy
The day you leave the day for you
Life can start afresh
School was like a prison
No more will you now take
Up we go, up the stairs
To sleep or dream or play with bears
Under cover with ‘secret’ lamps
Beds turn into night time camps
Where special messages are passed about
“Only in whispers, you mustn’t shout.”
’cause we’re asleep our parents think
Our tired red eyes are on the brink…
Then “wake up children, time to go,
one more day at school you know.”
Off we race to get to class
To take some tests we hope to pass
Then running home at end of day
Homework, tea, and then we play
amazing games in the weekends
having fun with all our friends.
Silos stand still
Blood flows buried
Beneath shut off notices and half empty heartlands
Shit in one hand, less in the other
Boarded up banks and big screens in the window
Satellite dish death pumps out kids with no coats
While dad sits crumpled on the couch
He is better now
Winter winds and hunger keep them from the heat
But brick buildings and arithmetic don't last
It will soon be over and the heavy hand of summer
Will smack square on China chins that will quick grow into metal
Pulling heads down and pushing fists up
Shame shifts quietly
Bottles become angry rings on an empty bar
Circles dance dark under empty eyes of the same
Circles dance circles become knuckles cracked from the clinching
From the hanging on
Wishing for the bell to save them from the beating
Red bull in the morning is Heaven,
waking up and going to school is Hell.
Getting through the halls are easy,
when you're saved by the bell.
All my classes are pretty hard,
Honors biology is the worst.
I swear I'm going to pass,
My intelligence turned into a curse.
My goal is to become invisible. Accept my awkwardness. Don’t mind the pitter patter of my talkative feet. They have nothing worthy to say. Please, walk by me; let me feel your gust of perfumed wind. I want nothing more than your inattention. Your glance reassures my confused existence, my selfish questioning of this life the twisting pain of my inability to connect with these fellow beings. My heart is here, but I have buried it under the thickening of my skin. I skinned the layers off everyone who crawled inside my safe spot and turned where I could hide into an exposition; robbed me of my sanctuary, so their skin I harvested for this façade of carelessness. Eye contact isn’t acceptable dear stranger, because my eyes don’t know how to keep their mouths shut. I will tell you tales I don’t dare tell myself. Power walk to your SUVS, be among your own kind. Let my outline drip onto the cold sidewalks, walk all over my skin with your designer shoes, feed my organs to your dogs and cats, dispose of this weary face. Maybe if I become part of this dirty utopia, there will be no reason to stare; you won’t be able to tell the difference between your new Wal-Mart and my decrepit body.
If there is one thing I've learned
In the past few weeks
It's the only encouragement
You are capable of giving
Are those kicks to the ribs
When I'm down on the ground
It's horoscopes and fortunes
Only grant truth to those
Like pipe dreams come true
Because we are all searching for something
Deep inside the plumbing
If there is one thing I've learned
In the last few months
It's hope is not hope if it's broken
That evanescent idea in my head
Of happiness being at the end of the tunnel
And not inside me is wrong
It's everyone has an agenda
And regardless of their philanthropy
They are in it for themselves.
If there is one things I have learned
In the past few years, it's
Love is both existential and theoretical
It is not for the faint of heart
It is for those who have had theirs made strong
Through scarring and wounds
From having their ventricles punctured
By cherub's arrows and constantly having them removed.
Love is a war
And only those in its wake of misery
Will truly understand it
Once they have its warmth
In their arms.
If I understand only one thing
Throughout my entire life
It would be "I love you"
Should never be an obligation
Nor a recursion
Nor a simple statement
Said to make one feel better
When trumpets blare
And violins sing
And such crescendo swells
Until such music leaves you
Breathless and without thought
Only then will you feel like I felt
In your arms
Everyone assumes that
Us elite students in top schools
Morally upright people.
That we breeze through our work
And live life with a bright smile.
That's what they think.
They don't see
Our late nights, rushing assignments.
Copying each others' work hurriedly in the morning.
Feelings of inferiority, anger and jealousy consume us daily.
We're nothing more
Than ordinary people
Put on high pedestals.
I think you confuse being smart
with being a narcissistic bitch.