I could never tell you what was on my mind
So I wrote every thing down on paper
Each passing day with you only made things worse
Because all the things I was too shy to say
Became too lengthy to write in one sitting
So I typed them instead
Then one day you kissed me
And all the things I tried so hard to hide
Spilled from my mouth
And I dare say
Into your heart
I can never find the right words to describe how I feel,
the words never seem to make sense,
everything I say sounds like a contradiction,
but they say opposites attract
But when I'm around you,
all my feelings just go away,
and all the negatives become positive,
and it doesn't make sense at all
I have this feeling,
that every thing,
is going to end.
And the worst part is not that,
is that I have the feeling
that when there is nothing more in here,
no more stars in the sky,
no more smell of damp earth,
no more soft breeze at five,
no more yellow in my neighbour's window,
no more blank pages on my diary,
no more creak from my old door...
I have the feeling that,
when there is just white noise,
I am still going to be here,
I have been doing a lot of work with my feelings lately. I have avoided them for most of my life because, well the bad ones outweigh the good ones.
The rest of them were f@#ked or beaten out of me.
I have always believed that my feelings only led to trouble and pain. A simple feeling stated as a child sent me tumbling down a rabbit hole of horrific pain. An innocent smile was interpreted to be nothing but filthy desire. A frown was nothing but blatant rebellion that had to be dealt with.
My thinking is extremely black and white. Good or bad. Right or wrong. But what I'm learning is that feelings don't fall easily into any of those categories. The classifications that I have used to reason my life into some semblance of order do not work for feelings.
So walking in this grey area is very difficult for me. I cannot make much sense of what I allow myself to feel and if I do, I get stuck. The detachment I have felt to my memories is slowly being bridged by the missing feelings. And that is terrifying.
I have always been able to share, matter of factly, the details I have chosen to disclose. And I'm very afraid that those details were the easy ones; the ones I could disconnect from and push the feelings onto someone else.
Remember those rabbit holes? When I find the feelings associated with that pain it's like falling down that hole bound, gagged, and blindfolded. My logic was my only means of control and I've lost it amongst the feelings. The only way to climb out of that hole?
Literally feel my way out.
Seeing people smile,
makes me wonder why
Why do do they smile when I do not?
Why are they happy when I am not?
Is something wrong with me?
There must be for I feel no glee
I am not happy nor am I sad
I feel nothing and it makes me mad
Sometimes I feel I have reached the feeling
Only to realize it's still unfulfilling
For years i have yearned
To find the answer I have now learned
An empty feeling, there would always lie
Inside my chest 'til the day I die
I would be happy and I would be sad,
Just not always and that isn't bad
Yearning for something unknown,
is a feeling that makes me groan
But it reminds me why I like to feel,
I feel so that living would seem real