Allison
Allison
Jan 6, 2014      Jan 7, 2014

If I had to say anything I would have to say wow.  I can't believe that you are so perfect. I almost hate leaving. If having countless people hurt me in the past to lead up to being with you then I wouldn't go back and change a single moment. I'm not good with being emotional and talking about my feelings around you so that's why I'm writing them. You are amazing, sweet, caring, perfect  every word I can think of you are. How could I want anything more then just laying around and being a total goofball with you. Why would I want anything esle then being as happy as I can be. Why would I want anything esle then sleeping with you and actually sleeping all night and not waking up constantly cause I feel nervous or panicky. I don't think I could have it any better. You asked me what do I like about you and I couldn't give you good answers but I don't like your voice and I don't like your hair and I don't like your singing randomly. I love them. I love that you feel comfortable with me I love holding your hand when we are at target or the mall. I love being around you to not even caring if I come home or not. I always thought that I never was good enough for someone that everyone always would Leave me and never look back but I feel different with you that I feel safe. Safe. I do love you and those three words only have came out once before and I got totally riped apart because of it. I'm trying to put everything out on the table and rip away from any of the nagtive feelings I have towards love and open up let it all go and start new.

every time my candle flickers,
i think to myself,
                             maybe this is God, maybe this is God telling me that he    
                               is real and i am not alone

                                                          ­             but then
                                                                ­       the flame stills
                                                                ­        i go back to work
                                                            ­            and i think to myself,
                              i knew it was too good to be true

dense as fog.

she couldn't
look past
him
but she could
walk
straight through
him.

every day.

in the hallway
as if she
was the one
that no hands
        no ropes
        no hearts
could ever fully grasp,
could every fully keep,
could every fully convince to stay.

she walked
                    past
                    through
     ­               away
from him
as he
continued on to
his new girl
      new fuck buddy
      new toy to distract from how he could never stop himself from killing
      everything
         he loved.

they said Bukowski was not a poet
and that if he was
he was a goddamn awful one.
but there's something
to be said about a man
who can fuck whores
and come out of it
with more respect for them
than for the rest of the
human population.
there's honor to be given
to a man who could
drink all day and
be more than what
all the medical books
said he could be.
and there is credit to be given
to the man who could
unite the displaced
with who he was
as a human being and nothing more.

Bukowski may be
one goddamn
horrible poet
but he sure
as hell
knew more than we will ever be able to comprehend.

something about the way i can
feel more confident
with less clothes and
something about
the way i have an
easier time looking in the mirror
when i know you'd
be staring at me like
you hadn't touched another body
in ten thousand years.

there's something wrong about the way i can only feel
                                                            ­                                hot
                             ­                                                                 ­    worthy
                                                      ­                                                        accomplis­hed
                      when i know you're looking at me with more emotion than you've ever known to be possible because
                                                         ­            you can't see me without thinking about the fact that my body will never be under yours again.

                                                         ­                                                 there's something wrong about the way people can walk ten galaxies away but never leave us.

lukewarm tea
chocolates never gifted
an old book that makes me
think
too much and
a blue pen with
black ink with
bite marks on the cap
from where you
used to hold it
between your
teeth
for me
while i wrote
about how much i
loved you

everyone tells me
"people write what they know"
sure
okay
whatever.

damnit.

i guess that means i
know heartache-
though i don't recall
ever
meeting him
personally.

interesting.

i guess i know more
than i think
if i have
so much to
say.

dangerous
territory
i'm trekking here.

she walks in
says
        "i have a splitting headache"
and then retreats
to her room,
too long sweatpants
dragging
on the floor.
and i wonder
if it's the same kind of
headache i get
when i can't stop
thinking
about the
                past
                present
                future
until all i know is that
i don't want to be breathing
                              living
                  ­           correctly pumping blood
                             from my heart
                             to the rest of
                             my body.
i wonder
if she gets those
kind of headaches
that the
over-the-counter
stuff can never
                         soothe.

his dick is
nothing spectacular
but it's hard-
for me-
and it's smooth
             and soft
             and ready to be held
                                         tempted
                                         shown how to stargaze while the sun is still out.
but he
grabs my hand,
pulls me up,
                up and away
from the
only part of him
that will ever beat for me and my blistered hands and chapped lips.

"i don't love you"

and i know.

he lowers down
and kisses my chest
and sucks
         licks
         bites
         my tits
and rubs my clit
and that
is all i want from him.

all these people
writing about
and looking for
and craving so whole-heartedly
love
in the form of another person.

they don't know what it is exactly,
just something that
has to do with sharing
labored breaths
and not wearing any underwear to the movies.

these idiots think that love
is what they need
in order to be
happy.

do they not already have love?

the sun shines and the trees grow and grass cuts their bare legs and lets them know that they are still alive.  the earth is continuously apologizing by giving flowers with petals so soft you could mistake it for someone you
once held
in your arms.

love is not the answer-
the aftermath is:
destruction.

the only good
and pure
and completely
true things
in this world
come from the
ashes of the
generations before
them.

we have been born into love
but mistaken
       tricked into thinking that destruction
                                                   utter obliteration of the soul
                                                            ­                         the mind
                                                            ­                         the heart
                                                           ­                                         is not the answer.

love is not found in people
but places
                 and their hills and valleys and flowers and water that refreshes the eyes of every tired man.

love is found in the
people that have been broken down.

only they are then able to look at what has been in front of them since before they were born,
only they are able to see what the content will never know exists.

only the lost will find happiness.

 
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