imagine that you live in a world where, until they reach the age of sixteen, the food orzo is forbidden.
you've heard about orzo. how could you not? it's everywhere, because it seems like everybody loves orzo. orzo this, orzo that. for your whole life, you've heard about the glory of orzo. most people you know can't wait to try it. they talk about it all the time.
you, though, you've never had the overwhelming urge to eat orzo, not like it seems your peers do. still, you go along with it, because everybody else loves orzo and can't wait to try it.
eventually, you ask your dad whether he's always liked orzo. "yes," he says, "of course. you might not like it now, but you'll love it when you're older." he then shows you how to make orzo, even though you're not at all curious.
your peers have begun to try orzo. they all give glowing reviews. but despite their enthusiasm, it still seems kind of odd to you. why is everyonr so worked up over orzo? what makes it so great?
life goes on. maybe you tried orzo. maybe you didn't. either way, you've decided it's not your thing. the only problem? no one else gets it. they all say, "what do you mean you don't like orzo? everybody likes orzo. maybe you just haven't found the right recipie yet." but you know that you don't like orzo. you probably never will. and everyone else thinks you strange for this.
this is what it's like to be asexual in this environment.
I realized, even though I had always had a feeling
I am completely asexual, with physical sexual things
And surprisingly, relationships and love
I'm sorry im not who you wanted me to be
But I can't do it, because everytime we do something
I have this heart flutter, but I can't ignore
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
I'm not cut out to be in a relationship,
I'm too messed up to tell the difference
Between love and a frienship
I'm sorry that this isn't even a poem anymore
I'm sorry I can't go on dreaming about relationships and love
When I'll honestly never be in any of them
I'll always be there for you, and every thing I've told you is true
But I can't do it,
I'm too asexual
Being attracted to no one
Having no sex drive
They say it can stem
Who do I want
Or a girl
I don't know
But I just wish
I could have sex
The mental blocks
They hold me back
And I'm just here
© Peyton 2013
If I could manage to swallow
that growing sense of dread between my
shivering, pale lips, then it would
be much easier to take the lead.
Would I be free of emotional instabilities
the moment my boxers slipped to the floor?
Is that how this works? Where do my hands
even go in the first place?
If I could make my eyes flicker closed
as you lean in to steal my breaths by
means of unwelcome inquiry, perhaps
my heart would cease lamenting.
I could probably say all I wanted in the matter
and plead my case, but when society's the prosecutor,
chances are my legs would be required to stay
open 24/7, like a convenience store.
I'm sorry. I can't fix this, it's not something to be
fixed. I've failed as a basic human and cannot function
without regrets and anger. Besides, there are nicer
sorts around. Find them instead.
Remove your hands from my chest, your mouth from
my mottled shoulder. This is a convenience store that
One day you’re going to find someone
Who treats you like a rose found in the snow,
Who treats you like you’re the only place they will ever want to go.
They will always be there to lullaby you to Dreamland.
When you cry they’ll pick you up and slow-dance you back to smiles.
When you tell them of your dreams, they’ll chase after them for miles.
And they will build a nest for you inside their heart.
One day you’ll find them, and you can’t help but wonder, who?
Well, maybe, today that person is you.