I'm not attracted to people. Never have, never will. See I might get aroused; it's like my body is rejecting my decision it doesn't care it acts on it's own, but I'm fine with platonic relations. We don't gotta touch just cuddle and kiss and I'd be more than fine, but I'm a pleaser so ill subject myself to such acts, In accordance to their needs.
Sex doesn't come to mind when out on dates unless it's been made clear that sexual activity will be in place. When sex comes to mind all I can think is "wtf ugh no" The only intercourse in my life comes from my partners needs. I'm their bf I'm supposed to cater to them. I don't mind it but I also don't like it.
If I could manage to swallow
that growing sense of dread between my
shivering, pale lips, then it would
be much easier to take the lead.
Would I be free of emotional instabilities
the moment my boxers slipped to the floor?
Is that how this works? Where do my hands
even go in the first place?
If I could make my eyes flicker closed
as you lean in to steal my breaths by
means of unwelcome inquiry, perhaps
my heart would cease lamenting.
I could probably say all I wanted in the matter
and plead my case, but when society's the prosecutor,
chances are my legs would be required to stay
open 24/7, like a convenience store.
I'm sorry. I can't fix this, it's not something to be
fixed. I've failed as a basic human and cannot function
without regrets and anger. Besides, there are nicer
sorts around. Find them instead.
Remove your hands from my chest, your mouth from
my mottled shoulder. This is a convenience store that
I did not know I was Asexual.
I did not think I was anything.
Maybe I thought I was out of place with the world.
Maybe I thought I was out of rhythm with the world.
Now I know, and now I've told you.
I guess I am nothing to you,
because that was enough to make you leave.
I can't say I am happy you left,
but at least I know you aren't the one for me.
Maybe you will never come back.
Maybe you will try to make small talk with me.
Maybe I am just fine with the outcome.
Being attracted to no one
Having no sex drive
They say it can stem
Who do I want
Or a girl
I don't know
But I just wish
I could have sex
The mental blocks
They hold me back
And I'm just here
© Peyton 2013
imagine that you live in a world where, until you reach the age of sixteen, the food orzo is forbidden.
you've heard about orzo. how could you not? it's everywhere, because it seems like everybody loves orzo. orzo this, orzo that. for your whole life, you've heard about the glory of orzo. most people you know can't wait to try it. they talk about it all the time.
you, though, you've never had the overwhelming urge to eat orzo, not like it seems your peers do. still, you go along with it, because everybody else loves orzo and can't wait to try it.
eventually, you ask your dad whether he's always liked orzo. "yes," he says, "of course. you might not like it now, but you'll love it when you're older." he then shows you how to make orzo, even though you're not at all curious.
your peers have begun to try orzo. they all give glowing reviews. but despite their enthusiasm, it still seems kind of odd to you. why is everyone so worked up over orzo? what makes it so great?
life goes on. maybe you tried orzo. maybe you didn't. either way, you've decided it's not your thing. the only problem? no one else gets it. they all say, "what do you mean you don't like orzo? everybody likes orzo. maybe you just haven't found the right recipe yet." but you know that you don't like orzo. you probably never will. and everyone else thinks you strange for this.
this is what it's like to be asexual in this environment.
And many more
Labels racing through
I can't even think straight
Or let alone be straight
I once thought pansexual
But I don't prefer physical interaction
But I like anyone and
I've gotten off
I just don't prefer to
Shutting myself off
Is something I can do
Female and male stereo types
But I fit neither one
Sometimes I'm more of a man
Than my brothers could ever be
And sometimes I am more girly
All these labels
And I'm so confused
Does anyone really know?
Maybe I don't fit
Maybe I'm just
I realized, even though I had always had a feeling
I am completely asexual, with physical sexual things
And surprisingly, relationships and love
I'm sorry im not who you wanted me to be
But I can't do it, because everytime we do something
I have this heart flutter, but I can't ignore
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
I'm not cut out to be in a relationship,
I'm too messed up to tell the difference
Between love and a frienship
I'm sorry that this isn't even a poem anymore
I'm sorry I can't go on dreaming about relationships and love
When I'll honestly never be in any of them
I'll always be there for you, and every thing I've told you is true
But I can't do it,
I'm too asexual
I knew all along I wasn't enough
If still hurts
Seeing you happy without me
I thought I loved you
It may have just been friendship
I was confused
You were looking for something I'm not.
Loving a friend is a short distance
From romantic love
The lines blurred, so I stepped back.
You came out.
I knew you were, but I was in denial.
Asexuals are weird,
No primary sexual attraction.
That means I can't distinguish
Like from love.
I love you.