Ninety-five days ago
I met you,
lots of tears,
so many fears.
it's been been tough,
for your momma,
Rainy in Georgia today,
got to touch,
the rain with you,
you are only two.
I have grown to love you.
I want you to remember always
that I love you.
This family I write about lost everything, including life.
We have been treating the little guy in the pic since he was 18 months old.
You are blessed with a mouth to speak,
but it takes patients to be perfect,
patient is the key no need to rush though.
You are blessed with 2 legs and 2 arms.
So why let fear run your life?
Why don't you just switch that over and run fear and accomplish things in life,
let fear, fear you. just do it!
It's crazy the way things hit you.
You'll just be going through the motions,
Not giving anything a second thought,
And then it flashes in front of your eyes
Saying "I'm here."
Realizing how I really felt
Took more than a long time.
You were always so patient.
But you found someone else
So now it is my turn
To be patient.
The patterns in the ceiling
Change their shades in the evenings
While my white linens line my body
I stare meticulously at dripping saline
My hands tell their stories
Of triumph and failure
Of changing primary colors
I can feel the beating
That resonates throughout
Be patient with me
I'm what you would call a 'mess'
If you really knew who I was
You'd find me quite repugnant
I'm not saying I'll change for you
I just carry a lot of weight
It's really peculiar
My heart wasn't broken by anyone
Matter of fact I haven't kissed anyone yet
(By the way I'm 17)
It might come from my so called friends
Betrayed, lied to, ridiculed and discouraged
I wear this couture outfit to hide my scars
Yes it did hurt
So bear with me
I will love you someday
I'm just not ready yet.
Did you know what you saw?
Did you know what you felt?
The half murmured confidence,
Of meteoric bells.
Did you shy from your musedom,
To protect beyond self?
Did you frame your desire,
Or put your wants on the shelf?
You embolden my patience.
You set to spirals, my grace.
My heart left to tilting,
From not merely a face.
Dutifully watching willows sway
Birds are lounging just beneath the overhang
Rain is gently pouring down the window pane
I sit hear raggedly alternating my vision
From you to it
It to you.
I don't know if you are conscious
I really hope you can hear me.
I stopped using words days ago
I plead to you from my soul.
Countless days and fruitless nights
I spent in chairs, couches and cold floors.
Fluorescent lights beaming down
Numbing every emotion as time slowly passes.
I look and wait
speak to others
hoping you will just chime in
Jealous that my attention was diverted.
No sound just shallow movements of your chest.
Time here is mounting deep within me
patience giving way to rage
I took deep calculations once
before I was 18
1/3 of my life was spent hospitals.
instead of learning about patience.
You don’t want to be harmed or healed
Looking so small against those white walls
Your paper gown tears
The moment you try to walk away
Because there is no exit
Just a waiting room for the sick
Who gaze at magazines
Wishing they could dive into that glossy world
Where every smile is a little blinding
Every taste sweeter
Their feet tapping out unfulfilled desire
Wanting to hear the name that will never be called
And no medicine can fill the empty space
That unseen weight that is so very painful on their chests
All you can do is swallow the placebo words
Cured, fixed, healed, whole
That the world tells you to take
Yes, I think we're losing it.
Theres nothing I can do…
And it's not that you found someone else,
Obviously we're just losing it.
I'll continue to try,
and I want it.
But I can accept it perfectly fine.
I really don't want you to hurt…
and I think i'm doing just that.
I remember that time,
when he said we were done.
I blocked my sorrow out.
And i'm already over it.
Finally found the secret to getting over these kind of things…
This is too much stress for me.
But I've been making the sacrifice.
I know it's not me.
I want it more than you can understand.
And I love you more than you'll ever know.
But letting this go might be necessary…
And I know I'll regret saying this.
I know myself so well…
And I know you.
Because you're just like me.
How does that song go?
The one about Patience?
I'm going to be patient.
Remember how we kissed?
I think you genuinely care about me
but it just seems to be collapsing.
my own person in your eyes,
I'm running out of things to say.
But you are the closest thing to love that i've ever found…
Everything happens for a reason.
Please stay with me.
I won't push it.