'I love you' means more than itself, it means nothing, and everything. It means that I cannot now live without your voice in my head and my heart, whispered softly in early morning, lucid dreams in which your skin finds mine and we are suffused with warmth and a gentle, deep arousal that is beyond everything; utter rapture.

It means that you have infiltrated desires and abilities that I have always had and never known, and gifted them to me with a deft flourish and a heartstopping smile, halting me in my tracks, making me aware of myself and of you and the myriad possibilities that are all caught up in us.

I tell you in the spaces between these words that you are my dearest friend and only love, that I do not exist in any real way without you; you make me true.

'I love you' cannot mean these things, and yet it means all of them, and everything, and nothing, and when I say it to you I hope that you will hear the catch in my throat as the words fall into your waiting hands, my gift, all and everything I have; now yours.

This bottle bleeds like heartbeats
inebriating grass
contesting dew drops
     heartstopping plot lines
meanwhile fireflight christens
the night that listens
to our intoxicated forgetfulness
a cheap libation
liberation
young-morning dream sleep
waking walking, weaving
half-heard whispers of stubborn solemnity, we
wrought havoc;
we were not in love
it was just the cold night air
     and the field that smelled of chardonnay

'I love you' means more than itself, it means nothing, and everything. It means that I cannot now live without your voice in my head and my heart, whispered softly in early morning, lucid dreams in which your skin finds mine and we are suffused with warmth and a gentle, deep arousal that is beyond everything; utter rapture.

It means that you have infiltrated desires and abilities that I have always had and never known, and gifted them to me with a deft flourish and a heartstopping smile, halting me in my tracks, making me aware of myself and of you and the myriad possibilities that are all caught up in us.

I tell you in the spaces between these words that you are my dearest friend and only love, that I do not exist in any real way without you; you make me true.

'I love you' cannot mean these things, and yet it means all of them, and everything, and nothing, and when I say it to you I hope that you will hear the catch in my throat as the words fall into your waiting hands, my gift, all and everything I have; now yours.

There’s a guy, let’s call him Anton.
He fell in love with someone he’s never ever seen.
And that guy, he sought the reason.
A guy who won’t hurt you is one you’ll never ever meet.
The guy, he overstayed it at the château.
He’s afraid he’s someone that he will never ever be.
And what he did was find his reason.
Now he aviates asleep like they never ever dreamed.

I’m waking up from my dream.
And it took place in the clouds.
I’m getting nearer.
I got that feeling.
My ETA’s now, never ever been this near.
Bound to an airport, one I’ll never ever leave.

Do they hurt me or is it I that deals the damage?
Am I hurting them out of fear of being hurt first?
Now I’m contemplating over an ocean of clouds.
My eyes shut, letting the winds direct me to the end.

It went like that:

One night I was in a room
Lying on a bed and to myself and he entered like he knew
Reached his hand over to me
I was hellbent
On clamming up and being left be
He insisted I gave him a chance
And one he got
I think I fell in love
But I don’t mind as he won’t break my heart
Cause now he’s gone.
Another night I fell asleep
There was a guy right next to me
Handing me paper scraps, watching me
I said “Speak it aloud, set it free”
He confided in me
Gravitated real close to me
Our souls collided in a kiss
And some white lies to solidify it, the once upon a dream connection
It reappeared, the sound of a lock dropping, it was real, it was heartstopping.
Later came the disconnection.
It felt like waking up from a dream, one I wished I’ll never ever see end.
I’d let him fix my heart but it’s already on the mend.
Question is, what will it give me, knowing when to say when.
This taking off, it’s all I have until I wake up before the flight ends.
The third, he was familiar in a room of familiarity and family function ****
No thought to be over-processed, he was touching me, real tangibly
Laying over me
Gifted me a word of kindness but missed the point entirely
A shot in the dark, a spark in the heart.
I didn’t inspect nearby looks, I just listened on.
And so I hope I see him again in a couple years
I don’t know if I will
What I know is that it ends before it begins.
Like backstage romances and post-show kisses or Singapore hotel love affairs, I dreamed that too.
Patrick’s came too soon into my life to make the fourth switch.
A Judas french kiss, I’ve been over that too.
I don’t dance to his own music, I just like him cause he’s cute.
Another night of many I was over it
Already picturing gas price meters and 7/11s, cigarette smoke and rubbing fingertips
Steady with a baby but as in romance
Pending if I must admit, but tangible in a sense
When he was just in my head and not in my bed
Cause I had it all on lockdown
But I was still at passport control, anticipation had me losing control
I keep waking up before I land
To see the hills again I’d do god knows what
But I got some other plans
Got a boyfriend in Mexico, would die if he let me go
Got my daughter figure at home
I can’t exactly make amends
Or demands, each’s a far cry though
I’m bound for an airport and I’m Anton now
I don’t worry about anything at my best
I’m running to get the bag
Money to fly me west
Not to outrun the wolves with hearts laced onto their spiked black collars
racing to bite me in the *** for having the fruit I’ve sown rot
I never wanted to be vindictive, for what’s it really worth.
But somebody’s gotta be the bad guy.
Aim to escape this trance, it ends
It’s gotta have a horizon
New York, September 24th, 2024?
I’ve waited so long, think I’m going for numero dos
I broke up with my boyfriend for someone just as bad
But it lead me to my next, I need to give him more attention
I listen to him talk in Spanish, pretend he’s not so far away
4 months elapsed like steam
I’d do it all again
I wanna make it up to him for loving him as a replacement for Jack ******* Daniels
But what is distance gonna do?
What’s the ocean’s threat to drown?
I don’t fear thunderclouds as I cross them.
I don’t care, cause really I’m not there.
It’s just a dream, one I’m in, but I’m waking up.
Don’t matter if I like it or not.
One isn’t enough, I need more.
Remember, September 24th.
Hope my problems vanish by the third quarter of 2024.
That’s when the flight ends.
That’s when I’m all yours.