Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
PROLOGUE:

“’We must stop this brain working for twenty years.’” So said Mussolini’s Grand Inquisitor, his official Fascist prosecutor addressing the judge in Antonio Gramsci’s 1928 trial; so said the Il Duce’s Torquemada, ending his peroration with this infamous demand.’”  Gramsci, Antonio: Selections from the Prison Notebooks, Introduction, translation from Italian and publishing by Quintin ***** & Geoffrey Nowell Smith, International Publishers, New York, 1971.

BE IT RESOLVED: Whereas, I introduce this book with a nod of deep respect to Antonio Gramsci--an obscure but increasingly pertinent political scientist it would behoove us all to read and study today, I dedicate the book itself to my great grandfather and key family patriarch, Pietro Buonaiuto (1865-1940) of Moschiano, in the province of Avellino, in the region of Campania, southern Italy.

Let it be recognized that Pete Buonaiuto may not have had Tony Gramsci’s brain, but he certainly exhibited an extreme case of what his son--my paternal grandfather, Francesco Buonaiuto--termed: Testaduro. Literally, it means Hardhead, but connotes something far beyond the merely stubborn. We’re talking way out there in the unknown, beyond that inexplicable void where hotheaded hardheads regurgitate their next move, more a function of indigestion than thought. Given any situation, a Testaduro would rather bring acid reflux and bile to the mix than exercise even a skosh of gray muscle matter.  But there’s more. It gets worse.

To truly comprehend the densely-packed granite that is the Testaduro mind, we must now sub-focus our attention on the truly obdurate, extreme examples of what my paternal grandmother—Vicenza di Maria Buonaiuto—they called her Jennie--would describe as reflexive cutta-dey-noze-a-offa-to-spite-a-dey-face-a types. I reference the truly defiant, or T.D.—obviously short for both truly defiant and Testaduro. T.D.’s—a breed apart--smiling and sneering, laughing and, finally, begging their regime-appointed torture apparatchik (a career-choice getting a great deal of attention from the certificate mills--the junior colleges and vocational specialty institutes) mocking their Guantanamo-trained torturer: “Is that what you call punishment?  Is that all you ******* got?”

If, to assist comprehension, you require a literary frame of context, might I suggest you compare the Buonaiuto mind to Paul Lazzaro, Vonnegut’s superbly drawn Italian-American WWII soldier-lunatic with a passion for revenge, who kept a list of people who ****** with him, people he would have killed someday for a thousand dollars.

Go with me, Reader, go back with me to Vonnegut’s Slaughter-House-Five: “Billy Pilgrim has become unstuck in time . . .”
It is long past the Tralfamadorian abduction and his friendship with Stony Stevenson. Billy is back in Germany, one of three dingbat American G.I.s roaming around beyond enemy lines.  Another of the three is Private Lazzaro, a former car thief and undeniable psychopath from Cicero, Illinois.

Paul Lazzaro:  “Anybody touches me, he better **** me, or I’m gonna have him killed. Revenge is the sweetest thing there is. People **** with me, and Jesus Christ are they ever ******* sorry. I laugh like hell. I don’t care if it’s a guy or a dame. If the President of the United States ****** around with me, I’d fix him good. Revenge is the sweetest thing in life. And nobody ever got it from Lazzaro who didn’t have it coming.  Anybody who ***** with me? I’m gonna have him shot after the war, after he gets home, a big ******* hero with dames climbing all over him. He’ll settle down. A couple of years ‘ll go by, and then one day a knock at the door. He’ll answer the door and there’ll be a stranger out there. The stranger’ll ask him if he’s so and so. When he says he is, the stranger’ll say, ‘Paul Lazzaro sent me.’ And then he’ll pull out a gun and shoot his pecker off. The stranger’ll let him think a couple seconds about who Paul Lazzaro is and what life’s gonna be like without a pecker. Then he’ll shoot him once in the gut and walk away. Nobody ***** with Paul Lazzaro!”

(ENTER AUTHOR. HE SPEAKS: “Hey, Numb-nuts! Yes, you, my Reader. Do you want to get ****** into reading that Vonnegut blurb over and over again for the rest of the afternoon, or can I get you back into my manuscript?  That Paul Lazzaro thing was just my way of trying to give you a frame of reference, not to have you ******* drift off, walking away from me, your hand held tightly in nicotine-stained fingers. So it goes, you Ja-Bone. It was for comparison purposes.  Get it?  But, if you insist, go ahead and compare a Buonaiuto—any Buonaiuto--with the character, Paul Lazzaro. No comparison, but if you want a need a number—you quantitative ****--multiply the seating capacity of the Roman Coliseum by the gross tonnage of sheet pane glass that crystalized into small fixed puddles of glazed smoke, falling with the steel, toppling down into rubble on 9/11/2001. That’s right: multiply the number of Coliseum seats times a big, double mound of rubble, that double-smoking pile of concrete and rebar and human cadavers, formerly known as “The Twin Towers, World Trade Center, Lower Manhattan, NYC.  It’s a big number, Numb-nuts! And it illustrates the adamantine resistance demonstrated by the Buonaiuto strain of the Testaduro virus. Shall we return to my book?)

The truth is Italian-Americans were never overzealous about WWII in the first place. Italians in America, and other places like Argentina, Canada, and Australia were never quite sure whom they were supposed to be rooting for. But that’s another story. It was during that war in 1944, however, that my father--John Felix Buonaiuto, a U.S. Army sergeant and recent Anzio combat vet decided to visit Moschiano, courtesy of a weekend pass from 5th Army Command, Naples.  In a rough-hewn, one-room hut, my father sat before a lukewarm stone fireplace with the white-haired Carmine Buonaiuto, listening to that ancient one, spouting straight **** about his grandfather—Pietro Buonaiuto--my great-grandfather’s past. Ironically, I myself, thirty yeas later, while also serving in the United States Army, found out in the same way, in the same rough-hewn, one-room hut, in front of the same lukewarm fireplace, listening to the same Carmine Buonaiuto, by now the old man and the sea all by himself. That’s how I discovered the family secret in Moschiano. It was 1972 and I was assigned to a NATO Cold War stay-behind operation. The operation, code-named GLADIO—had a really cool shield with a sword, the fasces and other symbols of its legacy and purpose. GLADIO was a clandestine anti-communist agency in Italy in the 1970s, with one specific target:  Il Brigate Rosso, the Red Brigades.  This was in my early 20s. I was back from Vietnam, and after a short stint as an FBI confidential informant targeting campus radicals at the University of Miami, I was back in uniform again. By the way, my FBI gig had a really cool codename also: COINTELPRO, which I thought at the time had something to do with tapping coin operated telephones. Years later, I found out COINTELPRO stood for counter-intelligence program.  I must have had a weakness for insignias, shields and codenames, because there I was, back in uniform, assigned to Army Intelligence, NATO, Italy, “OPERATION GLADIO.“

By the way, Buonaiuto is pronounced:

Bwone-eye-you-toe . . . you ignorant ****!

Oh yes, prepare yourself for insult, Kemosabe! I refuse to soft soap what ensues.  After all, you’re the one on trial here this time, not Gramsci and certainly not me. Capeesh?

Let’s also take a moment, to pay linguistic reverence to the language of Seneca, Ovid & Virgil. I refer, of course, to Latin. Latin is called: THE MOTHER TONGUE. Which is also what we used to call both Mary Delvecchio--kneeling down in the weeds off Atlantic Avenue--& Esther Talayumptewa --another budding, Hopi Corn Maiden like my mother—pulling trains behind the creosote bush up on Black Mesa.  But those are other stories.

LATIN: Attention must be paid!

Take the English word obdurate, for example—used in my opening paragraph, the phrase truly obdurate: {obdurate, ME, fr. L. obduratus, pp. of obdurare to harden, fr. Ob-against + durus hard –More at DURING}.

Getting hard? Of course you are. Our favorite characters are the intransigent: those who refuse to bend. Who, therefore, must be broken: Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke comes to mind. Or Paul Newman again as Fast Eddie, that cocky kid who needed his wings clipped and his thumbs broken. Or Paul Newman once more, playing Eddie Felson again; Fast Eddie now slower, a shark grown old, deliberative now, no longer cute, dimples replaced with an insidious sneer, still fighting and hustling but in shrewder, more subtle ways. (Credit: Scorsese’s brilliant homage The Color of Money.)

The Color of Money (1986) - IMDb www.imdb.com/title/tt0090863 Internet MovieDatabase Rating: 7/10 - ‎47,702 votes. Paul Newman and Helen Shaver; still photo: Tom Cruise in The Color of Money (1986) Still of Paul Newman in The Color of Money (1986). Full Cast & Crew - ‎Awards - ‎Trivia - ‎Plot Summary

Perhaps it was the Roman Catholic Church I rebelled against.  The Catholic Church: certainly a key factor for any Italian-American, a stinger, a real burr under the saddle, biting, setting off insurrection again and again. No. Worse: prompting Revolt! And who could blame us? Catholicism had that spooky Latin & Incense going for it, but who wouldn’t rise up and face that Kraken? The Pope and his College of Cardinals? A Vatican freak show—a red shoe, twinkle-toe, institutional anachronism; the Curia, ferreting out the good, targeting anything that felt even half-way good, classifying, pronouncing verboten, even what by any stretch of the imagination, would be deemed to be merely kind of pleasant, slamming down that peccadillo rubber-stamp. Sin: was there ever a better drug? Sin? Revolution, **** yeah!  Anyone with an ounce of self-respect would have gone to the barricades.

But I digress.
Nat Lipstadt Oct 2018
a television interview, Oct. 2018  with Sir Paul McCartney

~for all of us, forever~


<•>

**** you Paul, old man
you trying to make us all look bad?
guess you’re just another
‘miner for a thousand years’
or more,
cause we haven’t seen a reason why the vein should run dry,
for the stolid earth resupplies endless old metal and the liquid veins
supply the need, the urgency of a warm gun of composition,
a drug nonpareil

and the things that provoke,
still provoke once more and again,
love and need, even memories,
petri dish cell regrown,
breathing atmospheric nutrients in the hotheaded hothouse air
of the human farm

‘tis why I paean you at 4:25am understanding full well,
better than most, for once I wrote,
it’s always the next one, that will be,
the flawless poem,
that will permit the laying down of the pen, the guitar

but even flawless is not
“good enough yet”
for all of us, forever


for “yet,”
even more than forever,

is the most unlimited word we share

~

5:02am 10/17/18
Stevie Ray Nov 2015
I'd grab a knife and let it tear through my flesh
to rip out this inner strife if it wouldn't lead to my death.
My soul shivers he beats on his chest in fact that's why I breathe
on this ****** to try and relax. My mind is stretched to the max
my head needs to detach, my soul needs to eject.
Hotheaded armed with an icepick.
Hacking away at this ice that my spine grips.
My thoughts are confined in a space as small as my iris
and I'm behind iron bars of anxiety that I constantly have to fight with.
I've become a mass murderer, locked in a psychiatric ward as I **** my parts within, erasing my kin, the ink from the teardrops darkens my skin.
Fallen to sin. My world in the dark. A void shaped like a heart.
Yet this Tinman retaliates against the wizard of Oz!
My torch an everburning question mark
answers? That's the past but Life throwing hooks so I HAVE to dodge.
Hits exit Pause-my-world which I create so I can spit back in the face of God!

You awoke a sleeping giant, a savage beast, a lion
My soul roars everytime you see me sighin
I won't ignore these tidings
A frozen force is rising
Close to war my broken core redefines defiance.

So I will stand my ground and fight
go bar for bar with life.
Proudly wear these battlescars
you'll be astounded by my might
A star upon my sky
My reach is long and wide
You see I'm strong you're weak and wrong
I no longer hide
Because I don't have a mind
I am guided by the light
my sight set on my rage
replace my blood with hate
bleed and rust and easily crush
this tyrant in my cage.
Jordan Frances Dec 2014
Some people define 'feministing' as
"Girl, you crazy."
"You really think you can change the world?"
"Tough ****."
Or
"Nobody's ever gonna love you"
"Because of your fat body and fatter mouth."
Well, contrary to your opinion
I am fighting to be more than just a body and mouth.
A body because men do not have the right
To use it as their own personal welcome mat
And a mouth because I refuse to swallow them up
To be an opening in which they find their home.
My mouth is for more than pleasing a man
My body is for more than pleasing his eyes.
'Feministing' is not me being hotheaded
Or hating all men
No, I hate the men who feel they are entitled to use me
Who feel they can retreat into my breast
Into my womb
As if to mimic their mother's
Just because I came out a woman.
I hate the men who derogatorily call women
*****, *******, prudes
Just because they have too much ***
Or refuse to have it with a particular person.
Just because you came out a woman
Don't you know that it is your sole purpose
To give up autonomy over your own body?
Your own body is no longer your own
It is a maple tree that lovers carve their names into
He scratched his name into your bark
Labeling you as his
Labeling you as the government's
Labeling you as someone else's
Because you, a little girl
A helpless woman
Cannot be trusted to know yourself well enough
To own yourself.
I hate the society that instructs little boys to be entitled
And teaches little girls that
Just because you have a body
Just because you are a woman
You are asking for it
Your cleavage is a stamp that says you want him
And should you say the word "no"
You are inherently leading him on.
Should you say "yes"
You are a disgrace
A pariah
An outcast.
You, girl
Should not be ******
You, child
Should not be independent
You, woman
Should not be.
How can I be?
We, women
Do not have the option
Our voices are lost in the static noise around us
We cannot live
Because we are systematically shut down
When we try to be who we are.
So, next time you complain about 'feministing'
Give me a feasible alternative
About how to be who I am.
storm siren Sep 2016
Tell me you love me,
Tell me you want me around.

Tell me I'm all the things
You've ever desired.

And I will show you
A steadfast commitment,
A hotheaded opinion,
And a stubborn will to do my best by you.

Show me that you'll love me for forever and day,
Show me that you want to keep me around.

Show me that I'm everything
You've ever desired.

And I'll tell you
Of my being loyal to a fault,
All my passionate opinions,
And of my headstrong way about sticking around.

I don't give up,
It's never been for me,
So tell me
Tell me you're the same,
And we'll show the world.
Tell vs. Show (Kind of like Show and Tell!)
I'm not as cool
or as lame
as some would lead you to think
I'm not as calm
or hotheaded
as most people would say
I'm not as lost
or as focused
as I'd claim to be
I'm not as sad
or as happy
as the person I play

I'm just me
and I'm ****** good
at being
what they want me to be.
E A Bookish Mar 2016
Young Sade

I am:
Combustible
Volcanic
Excitable
Fractious
Perverse
Hotheaded
I­mpatient
Convulsive
Agitated
Passionate
Alonebutnotlonely
Animate­d
Secretive
Tempestuous
Imprudent
Enamoured by the opposite extreme of everything,
Easily exhilarated
And when despondent, profoundly so
A minimalist who wastes words on purpose
And harbours private contempt

BUT I AM NOT MURDEROUS
Nor of savage intelligence
Though I am of disorderly emotions

I am a libertine
I am a socialist
I dine with Marie Antoinette and execute her also

I am in love with my own contradictions, and have no shame.
I do not fear failure, because when I am beaten I will become
Brecht’s Hero
I am wise enough to value ignorance
Even as I spit at it when I find it in myself
I love the divine in the mundane
I am a pitcher, and a catcher
I am innocent and evil
An immortal child

I love cats and blasphemy and 1000 and one nights of debauchery
I believe that nothing is forbidden by nature.

I am a mellow atheist, shrugging my shoulders at spiritual enlightenment
A PERSON WHO THUS FAR HAS NOT BEEN REDUCED TO GROVELING LIKE AN ANIMAL BEFORE THE ALTER OF COMMODITY FETISHISM AND PROFIT-
And I do not intend to.

I could eat the world
Hold it all in a deathly grip
Whatever paint with which my heart is brushed
I become a superman and prince
And raise the bar of feeling great
And I admit my mistakes
If only to the dark-
But I bear my teeth
And smile like I’m crazy
Posing for the portrait that they’ll carry past my grave.
(Any resemblance between said title,
as told tummy by ya finch,
and commander in chief,...
not accidental, nor a cinch
buttock hum posed on behalf

of these bottom ming out
fifty states, plus Puerto Rico inch
ching, donning, and clamoring
desperately for fluffin ***** pinch)
hitter to aright "FAKE"

government even a cameo by David Lynch,
would pilot ship of state with nary a flinch
bucking creative enterprise winch
cha ya know
as writ by this average Joe

brainstorms offbeat ideas
caw king like a black crow
boot probably relegated
to same fate as dodo
bird long extinct,

asper could also be woe
full destiny of this poe
whit (wannabe), plus aspirant
aiming, mulling, vying,
et cetera tubby
next presidential bozo

and thwart further ruses to hoodwink
by subterfuge, treachery, unethical...brink
man ship, Capital One citizen bankers
to re: captcha how to MAGA,
and avoid pitching country

slipping into behavioral sink,
which White House bumstead "FAKE"
golden blond dee antics even entice pink
panther to **** sitter entering 2020 elections
amidst what promises tubby hang nail biting,

knuckle cracking, hair pulling - each kink
Putin on brakes against
collusion, sans frightful - link
king voter bribery, disenfranchisement, fraud...

calling joint efforts of Captain Nemo,
Captain Kangaroo, Captain America...ink
kin, a pact (minus any imp) potent fink
power hungry, money grubbing, apprenticed
tan hatt man spinning wheel of misfortune

beady barren eyes that never blink
immodest, impertinent, impudent,
et cetera hyperlink
to flesh eating, debauchery,
bacchanalian web pages
kickstarting naked lunch high jink.
kairos Aug 2015
i thought it was gone,
please tell me it has gone.
for the darkness fills
the empty void
once the light is gone

leave me be
the thoughts
leave me be

no rest for me,
no peace for the hard working?

i tried so hard.
harder than the sun.
and when i wanted the rainbows
i created the gray.

was it so bad
to be in love?
when u let go of the string
it stung
so
hard

thank you.
for bringing the rain.
to see all my flaws
and the holes in my life

u opened my eyes
to the darkness of the world
thank you
to let me see the darkest corners of the room

i thought i was cured
i was laughing.
i was happy.
i loved the sunlight and the warmth
the waves resisting against my hold

i was wrong
its back
chasing me
nowhere to run?
no where to escape?
with a single push,

its, back-

the dark beast of my nightmares
consuming from inside
the flames around me
makes me
hotheaded

i cant go on
cant cease to exist
when i go to sleep
i want to never wake

you can find me above the rainbows.
where i'll be peacefully sleeping
don't wake me up from my dream.
it's the best i've ever had.
Mark Penfold Jan 2017
For those of us who recall the reason why we wish to leave this existence and for those of us who have just given up.
The time acts still until the moment some chancer fills himself with gusto and decides " this is his time".
But what young ones should learn and are never taught is to never cause trouble with the quiet slow walking ones with dead black eyes.
They may appear as vulnerable but this is simply how they stalk their prey.
Talk to and learn from these, you will be surprised, as you find they are not all they seem.
For I was you, hotheaded once, and was nearly installed in a stream.
Rae May 2018
It started out as heaven
so how did it turn into hell
We knew dysfunctional oh too well
We had many differences
Too much to count
We had many arguments
Too much to count
We both would yell
We both would fuss
We both would cry
Then look at each other and ask Why
How
When
Did it fall apart again ?
You were my twin
We were both each other beginning and end
We would amend and start over
Put ill feelings in the past
Try to salvage this thing we called a relationship
Make  it last
But like a broken record playing over and over again
Its the same result
We always crashed  
Miserably
The fool couple
Both hotheaded
Both sensitive
Both aggressive
I was selfish
He was possessive
Yes quite a duo
It was an impossible love from the start .
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
****, just ****.
I'm a hotheaded *******.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not supposed to wait,
But I told you to your face
All I want and crave is you.
I wish you honestly felt the same.
He's so much better than me.
I'm a larger piece of coal
But he's a smaller pressed diamond.
Its my fault.
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2018
my grandfather will die a communist,
he still marks his words
with a no sense of embarrassment
with regards to the regime,
Soviet satellites on one hand,
banana republics on the other...
    my grandmother's brother
always makes the point:
that he was raised by the church and God,
while my grandfather by
the P.R.L. (polska rzeczpospolita ludowa)...
oddly enough, you don't seem
to find old communist being hunted
by operations, notably paperclip...
the angel of death died of a stroke
while swimming in Argentina...
so much for the other horrible deaths
in his shadow...
          currently in Poland
you have a restablishment of
               the unholy communion
of the church, and state...
            macro Vatican of the north...
for any outsider who doesn't see this,
what the west clung to by
creating a border separating church
from state... is obsolete in the current
climate of this land...
   the church has somehow fused itself
with the state...
        of all the current city-states,
London, Paris, Moscow...
       theres but one church-city...
      which can only spawn Poland,
as being the first church-state...
like my grandfather, i'd honestly prefer
they grey bureaucratic attire of communist
suits... than this pomp & circumstance
of the piglet clergy...
            I don't know, I didn't exactly
live, through the "horrors"
   of the imposed Martiall Law of 1981...
but sure as he'll no Soviet tank
grinded its way into Warsaw...
  as the interpretation of Pharaoh's
dream: seven fat years, followed by
seven lean years...
                  point being, with due
comparison on everything premature,
notably premature birth,
   and premature dementia...
       communism of the 20th century?
premature...
     the fact that the ideology still remains
like an extended form of pedagogy
in "immature" adults...
and considering that communism was
first tested in Mongolia, before it took
the shape of something worth
a cold war, and the cultural exchange
programme of the Moscow-Washington
pen-pals...
             no one can deny
the cultural loot of the cold war,
the acting where one side pretended to
be evil, the other side pretended to be poor,
yet both sides played the cheater's *****
trick, of fighting proxy wars,
      and talking about collateral damage...
only that the Russians,  as was me clear
with the current climate,
had the audacity to show their
ergonomic tact:
                     Newton's third law:
for every action, there is an equal
and opposite reaction...
    mainstream media calls this
symmetrical, I like to call it:
                              dividere aequalis...
with newton as the far far away precursor
of la chetelier and all things
mannered upon equilibrium...
                         but talk of a universal
living allowance,  the onslaught
of an invisible Mongolian horde
of machines...
              20th century communism
was premature,
    how else could you make a frame
of reference to the current year
with children marching in protest,
               and the talk of late capitalism?
20th century communism
   was premature, crafted by Slavs,
hotheaded, infuriated unlike
the dull eyed tea and crumpet brigade
of the hibernian Isles of Europe...
          already the transition period
in Scandinavia...
                      I don't even know how
to write a critique of capitalism without
thinking about over-production,
subsequently waste
   subsequently owning a a pair of Levis
jeans where you could still read:
made in the USA... 20 years later...
             absolutely no authenticity
in any subsequent critique of this system...
but at leat during the cold war
there was a fertile cultural exchange
program,
                 a compatibility of interests...
if the Russians had a ***** secret
surrounding their nuclear programs,
Amricans can have their little
pharmacological soup regime... thing...
premature depression...
a term not widely used,
   insomnia, the mainstream illness
of being exposed to light pollution,
notably the lux measurements in Hong Kong...
countered with: I wrote this in the presence
of two flickering bellydancers...
comfy light, almost medieval...
        after all,
aren't there more than one way of
applying capitalism?
              there never is, one business
model...
               just because the Slavic
version of Marxism didn't work,
notably with the expulsion of Jews...
  doesn't mean that, in 5he current climate,
a germanic version of communism
isn't attempting its attempt...
              and still...
    the expulsion of Jews...
   if not in the mainstream guise...
well... horror and some other word
for it... a holocaust survivor...
    mireille knoll (85), stabbed 11 times
with her body set alight...
a ******* cherry on top!
              then again...
    maybe the current "revisionism"
of communism of the 20th century is
benign...
              boring and too safe to be anything
more than egoistic moral tripping...
hard to become intoxicated on words
when the past too close to comfort
had its neukleinabenteuer...
                  and we have?
   0 hour contracts, and a "work ethic"...
hard not to see capitalism enter
a dementia period of its own existence...
no wonder that when someone gets
paid Alice in wonderland salaries for
kicking a ball, that photobombing spam
reels is also begging...
     which can only mean one thing:
the internet's les miserables...
     because the authentic beggars,
on the street, seem to have *****...
                         not to mention that I was
probably the last of my age-group
that still bought ***** mags from newsagents...
which is something, the easy-****-access
generation knows little, or nothing of.
michelle renee Feb 2018
The guilt is deep
I feel it in my sleep
Creeping through my bones
Making its way to my soul
I don't deserve you Mama
I don't deserve you

My lies and deception
Turned your love for me to resentment
Wish I could take away the pain I caused you
Make up for every time I wronged you

Your only child, your heart
The memories fade away
I never listened, but you were always right
Stubborn and young, always ready to put up a fight
I don't deserve the love you gave me
I used you, and I'll admit it
I stole,
I threw it all way
For a boy, for a high
Priorities all ****** up
I just wanted alone time

Don't blame you if you desert me
Because I'm not done ******* up
Baffled and confused at this game we call life & love
Wish I could take away
All those disgusting things I said
The disrespect
The neglect for your feelings
But who am I kidding
My selfishness is what got me here

You're all I truly have
You leaving me is my greatest fear
And every night I shed a tear
Because I don't deserve you
I'm sorry mama
For the lies, my refusal to compromise
Yelling at you and never taking your advice
When you were always right
Without a doubt you were always right

I was young, I lost sight
I’ve yet to gain it back
I never want to fight
But I’m hotheaded,
Always on the attack
Say I get it from my father
But is that an excuse?
For blatant parental abuse
For saying I hate you Mama
I lied Mama
I always lie
I couldn’t bear
To let you know the truth
I’m not who you think I am
I am someone
Much worse
And it hurts to write this
Because I know it’s true
And I can’t hide anymore
But I force myself to
For the sake of you Mama
For the sake of you
#lo
Ysabel Oct 2018
I had another breakdown today.
I was walking in our street, the sun is out and the sky is beautiful, but it didn't stop my tears from flowing,
telling me that no matter how strong I thought I am is, I still need to step back and breathe.

I wiped my face after two, three tears fell, because my 3-year-old nephew was so happy waving his tiny hand as I pass by.
I smiled and asked God to keep me sane... even just for today.

I went to work feeling down and hotheaded. It feels like my colleagues don't want to do their tasks. I hate myself for a minute in accepting this job, but then I remembered those who don't have any on their table. 'I'm still blessed,' I said.

Then a minute ago, Mom called me up, asking me if I'm fine. And I said 'Yes.' because I don't want her to worry. I don't want her to see that I'm slowly dying because of my job. That at night I cry myself to sleep, thinking all the belittles and anger and curses that my boss throws at me. Hoping that tomorrow, if I'm still breathing
I will walk in our street
the sun is out and the sky is beautiful,
jeffrey conyers Mar 2019
Racism, within each race, exists.
We might try and many will deny this.
Except for racism within each race exist.

Light skinned black is judged by darker complexion.
Just like darker tones judged by the light skin.
We will deny it.
Except for many readers, are aware of this?

Scriptures address how once faith saw themselves better than the distant kins that married outside that faith.

Racism, within each race, exists.
Within whites, they level comments too.
Even if it deals with the color of the hair hue.

Blond, linked to the word dumb.
And many are far from.
Redheaded linked to being hotheaded, feisty crew

And so and so on.
Which is all wrong?
We know interracial connection among some creates all kinds of feelings?
Which is so revealing?
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2018
nearing two months in,
grandfather taking his Alzheimer
pills and other rainbow potions,
almost zombified in the morning,
a high spell mid afternoon,
and then back into dossing...
a stuck memory machine,
a mind on the verge of placebo
when it should be ingested
pure reason...

                     or perhaps the result
of early retirement,
and the aftershocks of
Perestroika in the satellite states
of the Warsaw pact...
                  slower than death he sits
almost nonchalant,
but mostly vague,
        even though he's clinging to
a razor blade and drowning,
each time i ask him to take a morning
walk his stubborn leftovers
are adamant on growing
     a mark from lying in bed for
the majority of the day...

             yet it's still down to 5 minutes
for a crossword puzzle,
   evidently clinging to the minimum
of abstract and fiddly can allow
this, ******* circus of memory...
          even i am a memory censor,
have about 10 memories i am adamant
on keeping...

        the rest can go to hell,
each and every time i recall one of them
I have to allocate it chronology,
mind you: the ten are so far apart
and in a variety of places,
that it doesn't exactly become problematic.
only two days ago, somewhere
there was an Saturday, apparently,
the typical **** fest of drinking
skunking and broken heart sulking,
and all other manner of politics imaginable
under the sun...

   yet i was sitting in a home with
two old people...
       and on the odd occasion having
a trivial argument with one them,
because she knew mira kubasińska
and before going to bed she was infuriated
by an article...
        in the tabloid press:

- like hell, her parents didn't have
musical talents, she slept in hay thrown
on the bare floor, her father sold
wicker chairs and had a hunchback...

the ferocious venom of jealousy,
even in old age, persists...
   a man might as well have said:
stop beating about the *******
and get to the point: the woman's dead...

- grandma, go to bed, you're seeing
a Mongol...

      eyes like Buddha-squints and already
walking in sleep with a distant lullaby...

but today i couldn't let her off,
yes, Edinburgh is the capital of the Scots,
no, it doesn't matter if Abba sang
about Glasgow and touring loneliness
and fatigue in super trouper...

but she early tried to make spaghetti
from my mind when i played her
PRL blues, breakout's
     kiedy byłem małym chłopcem
from the debut:

- did you know that's the young nalepa
    and his father?
- you must have been reading tabloids
as bad as the ones i'm reading,
that's nalepa and his son he had with
mira kubasińska...
- grandma, that's the debut album,
   when breakout was a band as good
as peter green's Fleetwood Mac...
   it's the young nalepa with his father!

I didn't win the argument...
    after a while I changed the subject
cooling the "problem"
        by talking about the weather...

and then there are days spent with
old people where the mortal fact is
unnerving, but not in a way that might
inject ambition into you,
to take chances with some untrodden
secret avenue and spontaneous
reawakening in mid-life...
              a metaphor of early Alzheimer's:
an old man's donkey stubbornness,
the unnerving fact and the joke
of the view from the balcony:
right at a graveyard...

    the unnerving mortal fact,
or rather, if you manage to find an honest
old ****: old people ask the same questions
as children might,
       yet they ask the exhausted
question, rather than the annoying
question...
yet still the persistent
      construction of a sieving process
of teasing knowledge while mingling
it with ignorance...
        
      no man can say he doesn't sieve through
this life in some regard of keeping
it: intact...
                hard to say the exhausted inheritence
of taking certain things for granted,
not having inspiration from a blank,
canvas...
             but there is a sieving process...
like any beautiful woman
seen by the shallows of the eye...
     I beheld: but I didn't reside long enough
to be, an adamant admirer,
a muse exhauster...
                      and gallows keeper of:
seeking responsibility outside the mundane...

it's not an evil ignorance, hardly a forced
denial,
             and nature is to proud for us
to shield ourselves with doubt...
            as seen in an old man...
                       however minute the deterioration
and his attempts to escape by
memor bombardment,
   like some secular confession otherwise
attributed to a priest...
            
      if there is truly any beauty in this world,
man can only fathom it by acting out
a guise of placebo ignorance,
          not some dumb luck of a *******
celestial tourist...
                         yet at the same time not
perpetually awe-stricken
    pulverised by a seeking question...

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

( a truly unnecessary post scriptum
concerning the zeitgeist

      we'd all go mad if suddenly pronouns
became transcendental toward
the current gender neutrality vogue,
e.g.
   ? walked up to a mirror,
    ? peered in,
          in a split second, ? realised
that what stood before ? was not
      ?, but at the same time also ?,
in a reflex split second: ? stood entombed
in a siamese union with ? own
reflection, as ?!...
       otherwise ? would certainly
be walking about, hotheaded
and bore-snout-hot-phlegm-oozing
mirror shard's worth of !         )

oh yeah,  because everyone was so
hot off the mark to read
Samuel Beckett's watt...
      **** knows why the national
pride brigade cites the unread Ulysses.
Norbert Tasev Mar 2020
Homes like bombed, stateless beetle nests, clouds of cotton candy, - The ****** twilight's callous, cautionary voice would have to go home: The Dark is threatening, the secret whisperer! There's still room to get home - at least for now! The landscape alone, guarded, protected, and standing - with unshakable will, raised in armor like a glorious relic, is robbed of its natural plunder.

An unknown, alien face to you is still on the panel island - tiled carpet, and as a special piece of art in ladies ears I was able to freely congratulate the wishes of my congratulations, beautiful acts! Now it was just the gassed, grizzly destruction: outside, there were unpopulated pampa grasses, alfalfa waiting for long-lasting mowing. The passion for the day's knife has faded! "Man has always been a mini-Taigatos, like a lonely one-man."

the struggle for existence had been diligently exercising her birth-fragile capillaries. An exploratory curiosity about the captivity of longing, comforting mother's lap. - Only the priceless evocation of memories remains with me: the seductive scent of flirtations, the bombshell gaze's silent and blazing body, the cry of lips, tongues

the extinction of a glowing bully in the atomic bomb moments of passions! - You can only keep it as a mini-tyrant in your all-knowing and storeroom consciousness, with a sufficiently arbitrarily captive past; This is your home, your untouchable, earthly paradise! - Great

the blazing cauldrons of injustice will boil over you if you hold your head up to the point of innocence quickly: You don't have a heavenly smile with your loyalty, keeping morals - your dreams can only be hanging on,

stubborn, self-reassuring Prometheusian renewal, - smiling faces around you; a set of towering viper nests - your being is constantly twisting. And only your heart can beat! Perhaps pointless and increasingly futile? Suicide's lighthearted, hotheaded and irresponsible intention to bring even to life a deadly plague for their incomprehensible death
Galvanized hotheaded idealists (jaded
locals - kindled moderates) nursed
oppressive proletarian quavering riot
spearheading triumphant utopian voice...

whether contrived right here and now,
or purportedly fragmented remnant
occuring during REM sleep
beside the point, asper conjuring atypical
bent arising within mindscape,
sans garden variety **** sapien.

he laments instantaneously forgetting
intricate webbed tapestry comprising
unconscious manifestations nearly every time
reluctantly opening eyes,
whereat realistic landscape within noggin
vanishes without any trace

try as I might to induce recall
asper impressive world within
hydroelectric powered illusory windmills,
despite non cacophonous disruption
i.e. natural awakening processes,
yet for the life of me

after effect bruited
within entire body electric,
hence envisions some contrivance
mebbe mental construct
prior to awakening
to captcha essential details.

Ah...mother lode of ore ridge and hill
elusive material could perhaps yield
adequate money order to pay one bill
alleviating penurious state, so I can chill
without succumbing L'chaim going downhill
fast, especially since monthly social security

taken in toto with more'n
one bitter medication prescription pill
(father's little helper) eases panic/anxiety attacks
plaguing yours truly since...reciting
storybook rhyme 'bout Jack and Jill
argh, how an overdose quite tempting
escaping once and for all where little doth fulfill

me, cuz thankfully individual choice of freewill,
not banned by pro life fanatics,
imagining to wrest free millstone
formerly revolutionary war gristmill
sitting idle (billy me) bidding one final goodwill
to deux daring daughters,

ditto same number twisted sisters mentally ill
papa and bro respectively
understandably justifiably, emotionally deserted
detached baby boomer whole existence a standstill
overly cautious livingsocial,
what...repeating mundanity till...
death, a tragi/comic relief.
(posthumous playful note to posterity kith unsealed
courtesy yours truly once deceased and cremated.)

Whew...so glad tubby gratefully dead
butta shaw miss dug hid ole days
when violence highly overrated
unlike current rooted locked dread,
aye wax poetically nostalgic when Fred
Rogers friendly persona
already quaintly outdated

mutinous armed militia incessant childish
popgun lawlessness pranks ran amuck
indiscriminately fired
magazine round as bullets sped
whizzing to and fro, hither and yon
slowed then stopped by flesh,

while folks nestled abed
****** sheets, yupper reckon
shot blew hole head
off, no necks time
no matter innocent victim led
virtuous life kneadlessly,

purposelessly, unfairly...
stole by bullet size Grinch, hmm possibly
just maybe, he felt put off and miss sled
by Whoever, thus mad as hatter his said
color turned fifty shades of gray
mottled with fire engine red

now, no matter such innocent chitty chitty
bang bang ruses by duplicitous
hotheaded hooligans bred,
cuz instead every man, woman and child
blessed, donned, gifted... with atomic warhead
absolutely crazy, but president instead

wanted even Steven playing field to win votes,
no matter constituents begged and pled
naught necessarily in vain
since humanity in short shrift
cleared off terra firmae,
another foreign species immune

to radioactive fallout sprung
out Taj Mahal fountainhead
of atlas shrugged ayn rand dilly read
deed planet Earth proof positive Q.E.D
drafted fiat whereby high
powered weapons packing heated lead
plus scattered nuclear bombs

melted than repurposed material
i.e. former munitions armaments purchased
hoof hull legal black market
into raw bits moon units instead
necessary for android robots to tread
carefully, but carry big stick,
when encountering dreamy eyed electric sheep.
Norbert Tasev Aug 2020
I was a prisoner of a huge hospital that was seen as a giant! Alien wreckage came and went when the need arose, and the float was infected by the insecure universe, so that you can expect only limited security and shelter here! My loneliness struggled with a strange, strapped bed with a peculiar eternity. With winter hyena claws, ice flowers clung all the way to my window.

Man always stays fallible: As a cowardly bunny, I drank mice countless times too! How I waited rhymingly and stubbornly for my only mother and what a lost shipwreck I seemed then. And the vision of the morning nightmare visit fluttered: When doctors told scientists at my feet silabized my knee sutures with professional zeal.

And secretly, with a hotheaded adolescent belief, I thought that I could never feel the hope of freedom, liberation from the humbled humiliation again! The vascular map of my knee was excavated and I fainted from the zealous blood; scissors at times pinched the wound done by a car bumper scalpel. He needed proper boiling now. And no local anesthesia could use anything: Everything I could feel shook my body!

And if, then, besides my blessed mother, I can squeeze the hand of my eternal sweetheart while my blood pours richly into a syringe like a violent, bubbling stream: Perhaps I could have gained all-encompassing courage from an annihilated existence that has been so badly trampled!

— The End —