The saddest day of my life.
My mud baked excrement died at sea. Bobbing up and down with the style of a cheap hooker, I wiped a tear from my eye as I said goodbye.
A part of me felt choked as white streams of bog role acted as the white sheet of a murder scene.
No police, no forensics.
Strangulation appeared to be the cause resulting in decapitation.
Wouldn't have happened if I didn't use Manipulation to overcome the chronic constipation.
Last time I eat beans on toast.
Now I'm being haunted by a turd shaped ghost!
Whilst walking down the street
I heard a thunderous tweet;
'Twas a straining little bird
Who couldn't pass a turd.
The little thing was constipated,
Its anus wide dilated;
Tweeting loudly in mid-bog,
Trying to eject a log.
I observed with sympathetic heart
As it trumpeted out a fart;
Straining, chirping loud and long,
Letting off a foul and noisome pong.
I watched for nigh an hour
Its display of anal power;
Then a final intestinal pump
Produced a huge great steaming lump:
A mighty ball of faeces
(a giant of its species,
and total bumhole splitter
which shattered its feathered shitter).
Went to the toilet and saw a floating turd,
not flushing is so damn absurd.
Pushed the handle and found out why,
what happened next made me cry.
Brown water coming to the top,
tried everything but it wouldn't stop.
Water and turds all over the floor,
this is something, I didn't ask for.
Squeezed my nose and grabbed a plunger,
it's a good thing I used to be a plumber.
I can feel the turds oozing through my toes,
man this shit really blows.
Finally I got the water to go down,
the once white tile is now covered brown.
Smells so bad, I started to gag,
got some paper towels, a mop and a bag.
Sprayed Fabreze as much as I could,
puked on the floor where I stood.
Took an hour, but the bathroom is clean,
never have I seen something so obscene.
Jumped myself in the shower,
gave myself one hell of a scour.
Suddenly up from the drain,
another turd, I couldn't detain.
There it was laughing at me,
this shit is fucked up, wouldn't you agree.
Maybe this is the famous Mr. Hankey,
this South Park character is making me cranky.
Everywhere I looked, all day I saw poop,
it was like a nightmarish continuous loop.
Just couldn't get turds off my mind,
for the first time in my life, I wish to be blind.
For now on my bathroom is the back yard,
who would have thought turds would leave me scarred.
centre of a universe
mostly of my making
exception taken to exceptional lengths
to anything infiltrating
made up my mind
making running repairs
working with tools shaped by the same fool
that put me there
if i was a spider in a web
id be hovering over a mirror
waiting for the other spider to move
so i could eat it
im a monster of my making
overripe and set for reaping
im just waiting for the drop
im king turd of shit heap