Turd
Allen Wilbert
Allen Wilbert
Oct 16, 2013

Turd

Went to the toilet and saw a floating turd,
not flushing is so damn absurd.
Pushed the handle and found out why,
what happened next made me cry.
Brown water coming to the top,
tried everything but it wouldn't stop.
Water and turds all over the floor,
this is something, I didn't ask for.
Squeezed my nose and grabbed a plunger,
it's a good thing I used to be a plumber.
I can feel the turds oozing through my toes,
man this shit really blows.
Finally I got the water to go down,
the once white tile is now covered brown.
Smells so bad, I started to gag,
got some paper towels, a mop and a bag.
Sprayed Fabreze as much as I could,
puked on the floor where I stood.
Took an hour, but the bathroom is clean,
never have I seen something so obscene.
Jumped myself in the shower,
gave myself one hell of a scour.
Suddenly up from the drain,
another turd, I couldn't detain.
There it was laughing at me,
this shit is fucked up, wouldn't you agree.
Maybe this is the famous Mr. Hankey,
this South Park character is making me cranky.
Everywhere I looked, all day I saw poop,
it was like a nightmarish continuous loop.
Just couldn't get turds off my mind,
for the first time in my life, I wish to be blind.
For now on my bathroom is the back yard,
who would have thought turds would leave me scarred.

All the turd did is spin round and round
Mike West
Mike West
Dec 10, 2012

This morning I had to go potty so bad
I squeezed and I pushed with all that I had
And after what seemed like a great battle
I heard a ker-plunk from what I did straddle
The mighty splash that this thing made
To have a look, my curiosity bade
So up I did rise slowly and sure
So as not to drop any poo onto the floor
I looked into the bowl not believing my eyes
This terd was of a most bodacious size
The cause of the strain was now easy to see
I new then not what I had set free
It leaned upright on the side of the bowl
Like it was in a jacuzi relaxed and whole
As I looked at it again in utter disbelief
I knew I had to flush away my relief
But when I pushed the handle on the toilet I found
All the turd did is spin round and round
Like a wooden stick in water being stirred
I was amazed at the stiffness of this turd
When the flush was done I looked with disdain
The turd was still there and left not even a stain
I flushed again with greater resolve
And the turd broke in half as it did revolve
But then as it started to finally go down
Something then happened that made me frown
It got stuck and clogged up the hole
I watched in horror as water filled the bowl
It plugged the toiled up tight like a cork
And now I wished I'd chopped it up with a fork
I grabbed the plunger from off of the floor
And plunged real hard, for my toiled to restore
But though I plunged with all of my might
It seemed that the turd was winning this fight
After several minutes the water went down
But only at a trickle as again I did frown
So along I did move from plan A to plan B
I'd show this turd who's the boss, not it, but me
So with hot water a bucket I did fill
And dumped it on in it could swallow that pill
After twenty buckets, the turd did give way
And I was able to flush. Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Paul Hardwick
Paul Hardwick
Aug 21, 2013

A toad sat on stool
remembering  all of the things
he miss understood
in his life before
he felt like now
Go again spike my dreams
I am just a toad
I do not matter any how
I am just this toad of toad HALL.

At that time just span out
right out of this world
well seamed like that to me
then i meet you
looking for a good place like me to run
and I Called you home.

And I just stood
for I will never know your name
and maybe you not mine
but i whsh
I did for you are one soul that god loves
Su I will not ask.

the odious and onerous qualms
I have to sleep in,
everybody's getting
married because they have nothing
better to do
or they think it'll fix their
brokenness,
I just want a handjob behind
a mall dumpster
I want roadhead going eighty
on the way to louisiana
I'm halfway with bourbon
sweats and the crank
smells virginal like young nun puss.
it's funny in that.
the weeds in sunset rains
raids of storm clouds in
mild December
breasts pressed firmly against
the vista panes painted
in some somber hues
and we pant quietly
to listen to the spatter of
rain, fucking slow to the
rhythm of the swaying trees,
you draw a peace sign languidly in the fog from
your breath,
and as you come the storm
breaks
and as I come I pull out and ejaculate
on your ass.
everybody's getting married
and having kids like
the ice caps aren't melting
like the jungles aren't burning
like the rich oil barons
aren't playing hopscotch
on our tits.
the idiots.
I admire smokers,
I won't be around when I'm
that bored

If you rip someone a new asshole,
where does the old one go?
Is there some kinda asshole graveyard
adjacent to the elephant one?
I bet there's at least one elephant trying to get into
the elephant graveyard, trudging on his last legs
and the gatekeepers bars him, saying,
'Wrong graveyard asshole.
You're looking for the one on the left.'

Warning: If any stand-up comic steals my jokes, I'm going to sue you. If I can't get satisfaction in the courts, I guess I'm gonna have to
rip you a new asshole.
.

'One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure'
should be the sign posted
in front of every antique store full of shit.

#sad   #gay   #death   #vestige   #fake   #up   #in   #bullshit   #of   #fight   #ice   #weak   #rap   #the   #a   #piece   #shit   #honey   #out   #like   #false   #ugly   #over   #pieces   #bomb   #drag   #luck   #bag   #loud   #ten   #hunger   #cake   #tea   #suck   #waste   #bite   #from   #scum   #piss   #crap   #stuff   #scarred   #ghetto   #fragments   #lame   #sword   #fucking   #welfare   #bull   #twisted   #jump   #nasty   #monument   #screw   #rarity   #refuse   #ass   #shitty   #sugar   #beat   #trending   #shark   #bum   #filth   #bush   #toilet   #junk   #relic   #ruin   #fail   #lew   #turd   #butt   #sausage   #pish   #stink   #pants   #badger   #residue   #beryldov   #antiques   #pounds   #scraps   #litter   #league   #bobo   #dodgy   #jacked   #whack   #sediment   #dump   #dicks   #brutal   #crappy   #bogus   #scrap   #booty   #debris   #dregs   #dross   #offal   #rubbish   #rubble   #sweepings   #boot-leg   #jank   #kife   #skank   #yuck   #pits   #antiquity   #sucky   #excess   #404   #antwacky   #assful   #bad-ass   #beater   #beat-up   #bollocks   #booey   #brutes   #bunk   #buns   #busted   #chincy   #chintzy   #chump   #cottage   #craptacular   #craptastic   #crummy   #freaking   #fubar   #fuckward   #fugazi   #hack   #hacked   #hackish   #hellacious   #hoopty   #hype   #jecka   #lame-ass   #warmed   #loc   #mank   #naff   #nas   #pid   #piss-ant   #poopy   #rassclat   #reechy   #retarded   #rinky-dink   #salty   #fest   #sausage-party   #sheisty   #shits   #sol   #spork   #tacky   #five-pound-bag   #terribad   #tore   #tow   #trif   #uncool   #wank   #worked   #artifact   #heirloom   #bygone   #objet   #dart   #objet-dfart   #droppings   #leavings   #oddments   #rummage   #scourings   #shavings   #odds-and-ends  
A big fat turd
L Smida
L Smida
Mar 17, 2013

So here we are
Not saying a word
I'm sorry I'm being
A big fat turd

but that does not mean shit to a turd
Paul Hardwick
Paul Hardwick
Sep 14, 2013

When I move the world time moves with me
and time moves on
but that does not mean shit to a turd
to anybody else but me
what have you seen in this human gene
that does not mean shit to a turd
to anybody else but me
but my sun
will rise
and
with mine
these two hands
with form these words of mine.

" I'd drop a two dollar turd down dem lips darlin'"
Lee Shetzline
Lee Shetzline
Jan 23, 2013

" Fuck you"
" I'd drop a two dollar turd down dem lips darlin'"
Chuckling, howling laughter
" What did you just say"
" I said I love you"
" No you didn't"
" Yes I did, I said I love you"
" WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?"
"I love you"
She still doesn't know
and I still chuckle
whenever I'm alone
and it comes to mind
"I'd drop
a two dollar turd
down dem lips
darlin"

A dog turd lyin there on
jeffrey robin
Oct 24, 2013

How is it now

That

A dog turd lyin there on
The sidewalk

Got more Integrity

Than ---Man?

••

••

Any Day

(every One)

Same ole lies

Same ole high school
Girls

Wallowing

In self pity

••

New forms of Death

Make our Day

••

••

I see you!

(DONT you care?)

Your breath (your life)
Is
Your own

••

I talk

But

Only the dog turd

Seems to know

 
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