Take down the names of the unwanted
Make sure that I'm on the list
As rain pours down their faces
Remember that we exist
The sound of the marching footsteps
The death of an innocent man
Remembrance of what it once was
The times when it began
You said that she's beautiful like a garden.
Filled with glowing beauty;
drenched in the warmth of sunshine.
But little did you know,
this beautiful garden has grown wildflowers.
They are in every corner, even on the path.
And the time you noticed these unwanted flowers,
you stepped on every blossom and left the garden.
-Steph Dionisio, March 9, 2016
Alone, cold, and mislead
is what it feels like to be unwanted.
After a while the feelings are accepted,well actually any feeling.
Maybe this was planned maybe if I keep going I will see a light.
Through this darkness I will come.
Feelings of acceptance creep in, slowly, but they still come.
Laughter seems so far away, like it is foreign where I am.
Where is that I ask? Why does it even matter because I know what darkness feels like.
I know what being unwanted feels like.
Because no one can help me now. Now that I know what it feels like and what it means.
Now I know what it means to be
The part of me that wishes more than anything to have a mother to talk to
is locked up tight.
It clangs on the bars from time to time.
Begging for attention.
It's grey, felt skin
But when it gets slipped a key by the circumstances that trouble me most,
it burns my guts
and I can't breathe
because the brand of loneliness I inherited from my mother
is grief of the unwanted, and it is not subtle.
It is searing.
It is agonizing.
It is abandonment.
I offer myself to you.
Bare and naked.
I rip my heart out for you.
Cold but still beating.
I work my fingers to the bone for you.
Nothing but scraps of what they used to be.
But you can't see what you don't want.
And you don't want what you can't see.
So you throw me away, bare and naked.
You step on my heart, cold - no longer beating.
You push my bloodied hands away from you in disgust.
You don't see how hard I've tried.
You ignore the tears I've cried.
I guess this is all I'll ever be.
I love you anyway mommy.
My hate is the unused love
The love that was not accepted
Everyone saw that quiet, lonely shell
But merely flicked it away
I walked alone
I sat alone
I had this love
This unwanted love
No one to give it to
No way to show it
So I learned how to hate
This love turned sour
Covered in black
Scrape away the darkness,
You'll end up back
The hatred filled me like love once did
And like love,
There was no one to give it to
I was alone
So the hatred simmered
The darkness calmed down
And turned dark blue
It was sadness
The muggy air filled my lungs
Condensation pouring out of my eyes
The love was being chipped away
Was there any love at all?
And here I sit
With a line for a mouth
And tired eyes
I'm still alone