I'm happy one minute
And then you flip
And so do I
One minute I'm in love
And rightly so
But then you decide to speak
You like to take anything
That brings us joy
And crush it
Well, we won't pretend anymore
You've lost now
It's all over now
We're aren't under your control
You're just going to lose us
But we belong here
And so I'll fight for them
And do what I know to do
So while you flip and flop
Change your emotions
I'll be emotionless
Because none of us can stand it
Any longer with you
Staring at the wall
I want to write something
words that don’t collide
and never explode
not too lethal.
But I can’t
my head is not working,
Blank sheet of paper,
slow heart beat,
I have no inspiration
but I want to write.
I don’t know what to do,
fuck I want to cry.
I don’t know
if I am crazy,
The mind has its boundaries
Taking every life to its pasture
You often deny your existence is valid
Drained to flout all the people-
That tried to alleviate your worst outcome
You can’t foresee what’s imminent
Yet your past hinders you to move forward
Motions of the night sky appeases you within
The stars glinting like they know you exist
Taking every setback that you had
Full of misery & regret
You fathom what if you didn't live
It doesn't make any difference
To be conceived into eminence or filth
The fear of disappointment escalates
Disappointing your loved ones resents you
You concealed every skin of impetus that espoused
Knowing you could be abundantly stronger than this
Yet fluctuation compels you to cower in distress
'Why can't I be normal?'
You questioned this in your head everyday
Fragments that made you elated dissipates-
Every time you tried to defeat yourself
Falling again & again
You’re afraid of losing your conscience-
Into the abyss that kept drawing you in
You conjure up notions of ingenuity
Just to rupture it repetitively
Is this who you really are?
Is this what you really wanted?
To infinitely hate yourself?
I know it's not easy.
But, go out! It's not easy overcoming the enemy.
When the enemy is you. I get it. But this life, the life you're breathing has so much to give. You have so much love to give. Let the hate out. Be free. Don't let it end you, knowing you're better than this.
Who are you?
Your not the same person you were two minutes ago.
I just don't get you.
Your compulsive, and corrupted.
Your easily addicted.
You have friends in your mind,
but in reality friends you'll never find.
Your simple yet, confusing
like a Rubik's cube.
With all your twists and turns.
This pain you put upon me
has left me with cuts and burns.
Will we ever learn?
To get along
and fix these never ending battles
Your bipolar versus my anger.
Some days, to me you are a stranger.
Who I thought I knew has suddenly disappeared.
Your disease is something I've always feared.
Illness invaded your mind,
and has taken over who you once were
Leaving all your past senses blind.
"Wait a year, they said, wait a year and things will get better. They think one single lapse of a human’s concept of collected time can change anything. A year she waited, she listened; she had to. But the year came, and the year then went, and nothing had changed. The girl was left with nothing. There was a hole, a chasm, never to be filled and never to be touched. There was nothing left and soon she could not find words, syllables, even sound."
A year ago, this is what I expected. Funny how a character I created much darker than I, actually reflected the shadows of my soul. I never realized she was me, the darker me, the hidden me, the me I was after I lost Him.
The depression is real. Its is apart of me. The swirling vortex I'm so afraid of I have to accept. But it doesn't mean I cannot smile. The turbulent tremors of my aching heart will forever be apart of me, but they do not control me. I control me.
Control. That is something I thought I lacked, but I realize it is my strength. Without my strength, the dark wonderlands of my heart would have taken me already, to a place that would be darker than imagined.
I didn't want the world to see me, because I didn't think they'd understand. And when it came to him, I was right. He didn't understand why I couldn't just suck it up and smile, why my outlook wasn't so positive, why I was looking at the world so darkly.
Its a dark world, darling, if he knew me, he'd know its actually optimism most days. But no, all he saw was the darkness and how I could not overcome it and it broke me from him, like a rock from a shore.
I felt like a rock with him, not a season, that is until I met more people who could understand, who could see my face behind these broken eyes. It murdered my never-ending love for him, because I could finally see I could do better, I could be happier.
That's me, but it doesn't control me.
We = (wise heart + foolish head) / (two breakdowns + three straight jackets)