They come in waves.
Kamikaze planes or
lovely flowers and sweet lullabies.
slapping against my skin,
My love is seasonal,
It won't stay.
Don't expect anything from me.
You will be bitterly disappointed.
I am happy.
Your moist palm on my face and your soft lips pressed up against mine. You are my sanity. You are my safehaven. You are safe and good and I am not.
I am broken.
Do not touch me. I am poison and you are good. You are strong and I am weak. Turn down the voices in my fucking head. They are smothering me and I need to get out. You are safe. Why are the demons in my head again?
I am scared.
You are going to leave. A sad, lonely thing like me does not deserve the twinkle of your eyes or the way your smile is crooked to your left. I do not deserve your arms and I do not deserve your tears.
I am a monster.
Do not tell me I am fucking beautiful when I am not. Do not tell me my figure is perfect when I have tried so fucking hard to hack it off. Do not tell me you love me because I am fucking poison and you are so beautifully pure.
I am dead inside.
How can I die without it being permanent? How can I stop feeling yet still wake up to your face resting on your pillow.
I am uncontrollable.
I am drowning.
I'm happy one minute
And then you flip
And so do I
One minute I'm in love
And rightly so
But then you decide to speak
You like to take anything
That brings us joy
And crush it
Well, we won't pretend anymore
You've lost now
It's all over now
We aren't under your control
You're just going to lose us
But we belong here
And so I'll fight for them
And do what I know to do
So while you flip and flop
Change your emotions
I'll be emotionless
Because none of us can stand it
Any longer with you
The word bipolar can put fear in your heart
Because you’ll never know when it will start.
Also known as manic depression and it can become
A lifelong obsession.
Wondering when the next bout of fear will enter you
And if you know just what to do.
It is like the devil trying to take your soul
And it becomes a battle of control.
Most times in order for you to live
You must take the meds that they give.
If your child is bipolar or autistic, will you love them any less?
I don’t think so is my guess!
The LORD puts a child where he / she belongs
With a person he knows is strong.
The strength of the parents helps them to cope
With the problems old and new, and that is
Something that they do.
Let us be a little realistic, not many crimes
Are committed by bipolar or autistic
So how can they use words like crazy, retarted or handicapped
When against us the cards are stacked,
When this becomes a challenge close to home
Remember that you’re not alone.
I stood my ground
than the distance
than ‘ahead’ I saw
fighting for resistance
– not alone –
with only me
– screaming loud –
to hear it:
. . . silence . . .
yet I disobeyed
Cocooned in air and
by these fitful gulps
I dared not breathe I
marked out time
in vacant space
I owned – yet
not yet: not for me
I cleared my mind
– illusioned, lost –
(should not) leave
Written 30 October, 2007
Take me down while standing tall
into shattered pieces fall
laughing now tears rush by
rolling down from this high
what is known, what is seen
wash this battered mind to clean
watch me smile here and past
rictus grins that will not last
knowing of the pain to come
colouring each and every moment fun
screaming now in joy or pain
always have they felt the same
only in this sea at dark
when light is gone and hope depart
there i find that fateful step
to take me up the slope so swept
then i smile, i laugh once more
offer myself as emotions whore
though in that moment of breathlessness
where i don't have to face this test
there is a hope that i'll just stop
no more struggle to that top
dear ocean then, call my soul
let me pretend that i am whole
for i would swim the waters again
please, let me swim the waters again.
There's a demon in my head and it's finally figured out how to turn my skin transparent and show itself. It escapes through the blank stares in my eyes and as much as I try I can't stop it from venting through my teeth with whatever air is left in my lungs. It's slowly killing me and making my blood toxic.
loving you is like looking up at the night sky
Staring into the darkness but seeing the beautiful glow of the stars
Like the darkness of the water but seeing the reflection of the sunset
Like the tides pulling in and pushing away at the sand
Loving your darkness is part of loving you
I know the clouds will cover the night sky,
But I know ill see the beautiful glow of the stars again
Staring at the wall
I want to write something
words that don’t collide
and never explode
not too lethal.
But I can’t
my head is not working,
Blank sheet of paper,
slow heart beat,
I have no inspiration
but I want to write.
I don’t know what to do,
fuck I want to cry.
I don’t know
if I am crazy,