mean beam bottom ***** without reluctance.
\ air above \
since forever baby boy: since forever liquid sparkler.

he has sense
& peanut butter jelly geography to his page.
his romance is of the west.
his eyes are of dandelions kicked & to the wind.
he moves like ancient turtle migration.
reaches feet to sidewalk \ sand to depths \ ride \

night:
velcro-tightened mind withstanding.
party lights, ***** willows, retro punch, he
is orpheus descending: with all the elements positioned just so.
\ jellyfish electric \  
he says he likes the loneliness.
he says it’s the water.

& so he moves \ wills himself into the next measure.
liquid resolute bits.
so move \ orca \
curl of eye \ so ride \ black rollo wave \
basilica \ & \
coral reaches below \\\

he likes to tell it, with warmed exaggeration.
slow-motion buffalo stampede. ride the railroads free & easy.
orange glowing bars of elsewhere. oscillating seal calls.
oily portland hipsters howling on the beach. those
juno cheeked rosy-red lips.
somewhere, sister getting married.
spring, summer, fall, winter, spring.
africa ******* a branch of a tree of a forest, overlooking elephant burial grounds.
color & white material:
plantations, gas stations, diners, & sharks.

this is the morning lunar \
sweet blue beach of the old & awakening.
he crawls out & into her breaks.
her deep heights & bombora reef. the serotonin
functions twice, exposed between thin tissues of warm-blooded neurochemistry.
human, shown.
he is as a raw page, blank, yet
dipped \
\ so ride \ bulbous waves of air mother agua \
ride \ &
\ ride \ &
brew by light these occurrences forever.

9:00pm: We hugged and chatted. Your sister joking with us, your brothers being silly. I love your siblings.

9:30pm: We went hunting for gear. Your dad helped us find sleeping mats and told us where to find some tarps.

10:00pm: We climbed onto the fort and made our beds. I swept the bugs and pine needles away. I remember thinking, I hate pine needles. Why Florida trees, why?

10:30pm: We made tea and got ready for bed. I love chamomile tea. Lots of sugar. Washing off my makeup was easy with your sister's fancy face wipes.

10:45pm: We climbed into our sleeping bags. I was warm. I love the plaid pattern of the sleeping bag I always use.

11:00pm: We ate snacks, drank tea, and talked. Poptarts are so good late at night. Better than in the morning. And the hot tea felt so good against the chilling breezes.

11:30pm: I turned off the flashlights. I liked it better that way. I like hearing only voices, not seeing the person. My hearing what they say feels amplified that way.

11:30pm: I laid on my back and realized how pretty the trees are. The sky was orange, oddly lit up more than normal for that time of night. Few clouds drifted in the sky.

12:00am: I poured the story out to you.

12:05am: I began watching the moon cross the sky. It was very orange and it moved faster than I imagined it would.

12:30am: I got a text.

1:00am: I proposed an adventure. I wanted to do something. I wanted not to have to think for a while. I like late night happenings. And I like not being alone.

1:15am: We got off our lazy butts and went to the garage. I started riding the ripstick. I picked it up right away and didn't fall which was new for me.

1:30am: You taught me how to longboard. It was fun, though I kept forgetting which way I would put my feet.

1:45am: We started riding bikes. I love your mom's bike. It's so smooth and easy to ride..but it clicks sometimes in weird ways. I liked the clicking too.

1:50am: ***** it, I didn't want to reply.

2:00am: We rode through the neighborhood. I love the houses in Naples..

2:05am: I fell in love with the night sky. It was beginning to look more like the normal dark blue rather than orange. The stars started to peek through better.

2:10am: The cold air made my blood rush. I was wearing such warm clothes, but the wind went straight through. I loved going fast, racing you. Speed is beautiful on a bike.

2:15am: I never wanted the night to end. I wanted to ride late at night forever.

2:35am: The silence was so beautiful. We would be quiet for short bits. I liked the pictures my mind created during that time.

2:40am: I wished I had his time stopping watch. I always wish I did.

2:45am: We started the ride home. My breathing got pretty rough. Cold air always hurts my lungs. But it was so worth it.

3:00am: We put the bikes away and crawled back into bed. I loved the fort so much..

3:10am: You fell asleep.

3:15am: The moon was higher in the sky. It was clear and white and full.  I could see it perfectly. Peeking through the trees. I fell asleep slowly. Loved it all.

These vans on my feet are *****.
Dripped on by the blood of a won basketball game.
Dirt covered from the many mosh pits.
Torn on from my longboard grip.
Rubber grey from long walks.
Bled through tie die from lots of running
Brown stains from standing in the woods
Broken eyelets from a forgotten drunk night.
Missing shoelace caught in a bicycle wheel.

Only to be replaced.
Just like my love.
Like my summer.

A Noun: The oblong: a thing:

The name of that lounge : a place

By the face of the strange shaped lake...

Dinosaur Egg / oval / green grapes.

An Adj.: Oblong Longboard

That’s such the coolest name

A person: Not a thing

oval shaped .

Mr. Ellipsis made no complaints

About tiny alien ant farms

“From Outer Space!”

The natives made to slave.

Oblong grew his beard out

After the sideburns days

Mr. Ellipsis far far away

Fires of the Sun

Will not discern—when

The Light returns

The wyrm will burn .

In oblong throes of defeat.

At peace : A Verb.

she was in love.
she was in love with a boy.
she was in love with a boy who didn’t love her back.
she was a beautiful girl when she was sixteen.  she was the most insecure girl you’d ever meet, but you’d never know because her award winning smile hid all of the insecurities. black curly hair, olive skin, beautiful big brown eyes, cherry lips, and naturally aligned perfect teeth.  she knew she was beautiful deep down, although she hated to admit it, because of an unfortunate series of events that occurred in the past.  she was the happiest girl you could ever meet, or at least that’s how she came across.  she acted as though nothing was wrong, when in reality, a lot was wrong.  she knew her peers thought of her as a person who tried too hard to be different, but that’s who she was.  she was different, and she knew it.  
he was a breathtaking boy when he was 16.  he was just as insecure as she was, but you'd find it hard to believe, since he was so picturesque. blonde hair, pale skin, pacific ocean eyes, bright pink lips, and very white teeth.  he didn’t know he was breathtaking, because of an unfortunate series of events that occurred in the past.  he always thought of himself as a person without a place, even though he believed everyone had a place in the world, he just hadn’t found his yet.  he bottled things up inside until they sunk low enough to go out of view, until he forgot about them.  he knew he had a place, he just didn’t know where.  he was different, too.  just as different from everyone else as the girl was.
she told him everything.  more than she told her other friends. more than she told her best friend of fourteen years. she didn’t know it at first, but she would fall hard for him, harder than when she fell off her longboard the first time.  just like that first fall, it would hurt.  it would make her bleed, and it would transform her.  from it, she would become a better person, and definitely a more cautious one.  she wasn’t aware of it yet, but he would change her in two ways.  for the better, and for the worse.
the background knowledge of this tale isn’t important.  all that needs to be known is how she has now fallen in love with him, harder than she’s ever fallen for someone.  however, he’s since moved away.  how far, you ask?  3,000 miles across the ocean.  her love for him has grown dramatically since this, and she’s told him, but he doesn’t feel the same way.  he’s said it straight to her face, on multiple occasions.  to directly quote it, “the feeling is there, but it just isn’t prominent.”  naturally, this kills her inside. the hardest thing to endure is watching the one you love, love someone else. in fact, this makes her want to curl up in her comforter and cry, and hopefully never come out.  she loved this boy, and she loved him completely unconditionally.  no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get him to see her that way.  the only time he ever takes any interest in her is when she’s undressed. she would use her body for love, and he used love for her body. she was blinded, and she didn’t want to see him using her, so she refused to believe it.  she’s confronted him about it, and he’s said he isn’t using her, so she was convinced he wasn't, mostly because she could never make herself believe he was lying to her.  
he knew everything about her.  he knew her full name, which not a lot of people did.  he knew about her past; the past that involved a small wrist and a large blade.  he knew about her future; the future that involved a small apartment in new york and a job at vogue. he knew about the husband, or wife, she wanted, since she was bisexual.  only he knew that. he knew how much she loved him, as well. he was well aware of that, but obviously he didn't know how much it would **** her inside to know he didn't think the same of her. he didn't think it through. if he did, he would have saved her a lot of pain.
she was sitting in her bedroom one day. she was thinking mostly about him. she kept playing the sweet things he'd said to her in the past back in her mind, and suddenly she found herself smiling and feeling warm inside. she loved him. she loved him more than anyone she'd ever loved before. just as she was thinking, he messaged her on facebook. her heart fluttered, she couldn't wait to see what he said.
"i have to talk to you" his tone was stern, which somewhat scared her, since he was never sincere like this.
"okay sure, what's up, deary?" she always called him deary, it was the most natural response for her.  she was trying to lighten the mood a bit, as well.
"as you know since i've moved here, my feelings for you have somewhat gone away. and with that being said, i've found somebody."
she could've sworn she heard her heart fall down to her feet and break into one million tiny pieces.
"you have a girlfriend now?"
"yes."
she logged off of facebook without answering his message, and went to the corner of her room where a tiny piece of her carpet was cut into a square and ripped off the floor so it could be lifted up. she lifted the piece of carpet up to reveal a bag and a blade. a tiny plastic bag, and a tiny metal blade. a tiny plastic bag that had an assortment of different pills in it, and a tiny metal blade with dried blood tracing the edges of it from her past. the pills were things such as ibuprofen or acetometaphine, and the blade was a replacement blade from her dad's razor, since his was sharper than hers.
her past wasn't particularly something she liked to remember. she had once been suicidal. she had cut herself. she had intentionally burned herself. she had snapped a hair tie against her wrist during school. she's tried ending her life with those same pills. she kept them there if she needed them.
as of right now, she needed them more than ever.
she opened the bag, got two bottles of water, and began to swallow the pills. one by one.  as she swallowed them, she found herself taking the sharp piece of metal to her wrist.  she caressed it gently before dragging it across the noticeable scars, going deeper and deeper with each ****.
after about thirty five pills and twelve lacerations, she began to get terrible stomach pain, and her blood wasn’t clotting any longer.  she strayed away from her wrist and moved down to her hips, her v-line, and upper thighs. she could feel her demise coming, but she wanted it right then.  she didn't cry as she threw the pills down, her heart was too heavy, her body too frail, that she couldn't produce the tears, even though she wanted to.
twenty more pills.
three more cuts.
five more pills.
two more cuts.
one more pill.
and just like that, she was gone.
about an hour or so later, her mother knocked on her door. she made sure to leave the door unlocked so her mother wouldn't find her and be angry. her mother hated when she locked her door. she walked in, and once she saw her daughter laying on the floor near the piece of torn up carpet, she collapsed to her knees over her top of her. she noticed a small paper laying next to her body. she unfolded it. on it was this:
"you know, it’s funny. now everyone will care. now he’ll love me. if you all had felt this way when i was alive, i wouldn’t be dead."
it’s almost like she knew her death would be one of the biggest news highlights of the year in her small town.  it’s almost like she knew photos of her would be everywhere.  it’s almost like she knew her suicide note was going to become the most viral thing to hit the nation in four years.
her mother had no idea what that meant. she couldn't think anyway, for her teenage daughter had just mutilated her insides with common household drugs.
with the little energy she had left in her body, she stumbled downstairs to where the telephone was. she dialed her husband's work number, and was completely hysteric when he answered the phone. he told her to calm down, so she tried to. when she finally stopped crying long enough to get words out, she told him.  he said he was about to leave his office. he didn't care about anything else in the day, he just had to get home. he had to get home to see his little girl for the last time.
her mother told her friends, and the entire town was a complete wreck. memorials were hung everywhere. pictures of her death note were posted in newspapers and on street corners. a segment was even on the news about her. she had never felt loved in her life, but when she died, everyone turned into her friend. girls who called her fat and ugly in middle school said she was beautiful.  boys that called her obnoxious and annoying said she was fun to be around.  teachers who told her she would never get into college and didn’t have a future said she had her entire life ahead of her.  just as her suicide note said, if they had all acted this way when she was still here, she wouldn’t have left.
the boy messaged her one day, wanting to tell her something again. when she didn't answer, he sent her another message. he obviously hadn't looked at his facebook news feed in a few days, considering everyone's status was about her, and there were pictures of her everywhere; pictures of her and her friends, her and her beloved cats, or her alone.  looking at the pictures was painful for everyone, since her beautiful smile was only lived on in the pictures now.  her eyes sparkled in the photos, but not as much as they did in real life.  now, the photos were all that was left.
he sent her another message, saying this:
"well if you aren't going to answer me then i guess i'll just tell you. i broke up with my girlfriend already. i realized a few things when i was with her. she isn't you. i love you, i really do. i hope you can forgive me and i hope we'll talk soon.  bye babe."
he only called her babe when he felt closest to her.  some days, where they would flirt a lot, they would both feel warm and fuzzy inside and completely loved.  neither ever admitted it, but they both knew exactly how the other felt.  among the pet names and multiple kissy faces, they had great conversations.  they were so open around each other, neither of them had ever been like that with anyone else.  she knew she was made for him, although he didn’t realize it until after it was too late.
after he sent it, he decided to check his news feed. he saw the pictures and status messages. he couldn't believe it. he didn't know how much he hurt her. he killed her inside so much that she actually killed herself. he was the one that always made her feel better when she was feeling down. he's the one that got her to stop hurting herself. she told him once that she was going to stop for herself, when subliminally she stopped for him, because she knew he didn't like it. she didn't think he could ever love her with the cuts up and down her arms, so she stopped making them. she was alive because of him, but now, she was dead because of him.  he gave her a reason to want to live, and a reason to want to die.
life was still odd for him after her passing. he'd think about her often. she would come to him in dreams. he’d listen to her favorite song, which was one of his favorite songs as well, called “i wanna be yours” by the arctic monkeys.  he introduced her to the arctic monkeys, actually.  he never realized how much the lyrics meant to her, the more he listened to them he recognized the relevance of them.  he's sworn he’s seen her on street corners in his city. he knew it couldn't be, but every time he thought he saw her, tears would well up in his eyes and he'd have to turn around and go home. he didn't speak to anyone, nor did he tell anyone about her, especially not what he felt for her. everyone would think it was out of pity, pity for her and her death. he regretted making her feel worthless when he told her he didn't love her, because he did, and they both knew that.  she always knew deep down there was more feeling to it than he said, but she couldn't get past him saying those things. and that's why she killed herself.
years passed. he never found anyone, and she decayed in the beautiful tiffany blue dress she wears for eternity. it would've been her 25th birthday when he first went to see her at her final resting place. there was a photo of her on her stone, one of the last pictures ever taken of her. his breath was taken away by her beauty, she had the same warm smile he remembered when he saw her the last time. her eyes bright with playfulness, and her cheeks round and rosy. he could still hear her laugh. it was almost contagious. he was in love with her all over again, and she wasn't there to tell.
although, she was there. she heard every thought inside her head and saw every emotion he was feeling. she regretted her decision. she hated herself for not being patient and not going with her instinct. now, they could never be together. they were made for each other, and they both knew it.
he flung himself onto her burial site, weak at the knees and tears down his face. he missed her just as much as she missed him. he regretted never kissing her when he had the chance. he wanted to take back every time he ever told her he didn't love her. she took her life because of those things, and he was too pessimistic with the thought of "i'll never see her again" stuck in his head that he couldn't hear what his heart was saying.
he never married. he continued to visit her, almost every day. he couldn't stand to not see her, even if she wasn't there. she visited him every night as well, just to watch him sleep. she still thought he was the most breathtaking boy she'd ever seen. and she was just as beautiful as she was before. just as beautiful, and just as breathtaking. just like when they were 16.

some memories which have created me
I have been homesick lately.

I have lived far and wide
have seen the excursions
foreign to many eyes
my childhood born in the suburbs of Tokyo
rising to the bittersweet aftertaste
of concrete and metal,
everyday learning something new
an endless adventure,
boarding a subway and just to go
then to that of the northernmost island
Hokkaido, where I learned to love
the gentleness of snow
yet fear the brutality of the cold,
spending days and hours
entire weeks on the mountain side
wooden log cabins, wonderful blazing fires
with a snowboard strapped to my leg
oh, how I feel so powerful and graceful
flying down the mountain
carving into the chest deep snow
hear my laughter echo into the air
as I watched the stars glimmer
on the icy peaks,
and in the summer everything turned green
I went kayaking and painted
in the fluttering sweet breeze
then back to the city I found myself
eradicated from my home country
placed in Seoul Korea
my apartment that of 31st
of a 45 story building
riding the subway from and to school
that was nothing of difference with me
the city never truly sleeps
and I don't remember ever closing my eyes
with a longboard underneath my feet
hurling through crowded streets
cars honking in rush hour
the city lights seen for miles and miles
getting lost in alleyways and black markets
craning my neck to see metal scrape the sky
because of such cities, Tokyo and Seoul
I always ventured at night, a nocturnal teenage girl
skirting on the Han River, meeting so many people
being multilingual  but always alone,
never behind the closed end of the door
in Seoul that's where I discovered how to cope alone
in Tokyo I discovered the joy of the unknown
a short excursion in that of Hawaii
tasting the salty seas
riding the crashing waves every morning
watching the sun rise and feeling comfort
in the soft white sands and tall green palm trees
flying down paved roads
and underestimating sunburns
long boards and parks, going swimming in the dark
lush forests and scaling mountains
I had no money but made the best of it
then to the mainland, the big United States
I haven't been here very long, in the midwest
probably will never understand
the southern accent
and the American youth's mindset
only, I haven't been here very long
I have been stuck inside
but I have nothing to hide
it's a different society
a culture which always escapes me
I have been dreaming but remember nothing
just feeling a bit homesick

Sometimes on the hardest of days,
I bear nothing but the softest thoughts of you.
Thoughts so rousing, they send adrenaline speeding down my highways,
stopping for nothing until every inch of me melts.
This isn’t your average fight or flight;
it's a fight that's for you, and a flight that's with you
to a place where the birds and the bees can't even reach.
For most, my heart can be a stone wall surrounded by a backbiting moat,
but somehow when you bring yourself to it,
the draw bridge gives way to you every time.
It’s frustrating; I have no control over what my heart desires,
but for some reason, it chose you the moment yours played hopscotch with mine.
Skipping beats is only the tip of the iceberg:
I could bleed out my entire fountain of youth if that’s what it takes.
And yeah, if you scale it up to the waters of the world,
my fountain will make only a single drop,
but I’ll be ****** if that drop doesn’t pass through
all the flaming hoops it takes to land on your lips.  
I will make sure that you never forget the taste,
and the ripples it forms shall never lie still in you.
Ripples that in time will manifest into incredible waves
that will alter the very ones your mind creates.
It’s said that the brain waves of love and insanity are identical to one another,
and it just so happens I have a longboard that can fit the both of us.
I’ve never been that great at love, but I’ve always been the best at insanity,
and if you ever lose your balance,
my hands will always catch you before you’re ever out of reach.
So what are you waiting for? The water’s fine.
So paddle on over to a place I like to call "existence",
and let’s ride the swell of this swollen heart.

The nights are
filled with corrupt
doctors and cops.
Justice, like a dog bite.
Madmen prey on
the weak and needy.
This seedy town ain't got
nothing for me.
I'm heading out west,
get a longboard
ride the breeze, and
taste the waves...
all the way to
Hawaii baby.

The ink they drew on our arms faded with each day.
They told us it would last forever, but they knew nothing.
We had said forever, but we, too knew nothing.
We thought we could do it,
We knew it would be hard, but we were committed, willing to fight.
Until the fights lasted for days,
Until we grew tired and hungry,
Until, instead of battling together, we battled against one another.
And then with each passing second,
With each look of desperation,
With each sigh,
We grew apart.
We were slowly dividing.
The miles that separated us were nothing compared to the silences.
We blamed everything on that,
We said that the distance that separated us was merely physical, but it was emotional too.
So 2 years ago we gave up and called it quits,
But you called me the other day
To be honest, I hadn’t thought of you for a while
And when your face light up the screen on my phone
It darkened my day
I had forgotten about you
Not accidentally, but through lots and lots of sleepless nights
But you called,
And I remembered
It all flooded back and I hand’t been prepared
So I sank back into our past
Our history
Whatever it was that we were
And this poem doesn’t really make much sense,
But neither did what we had
We would talk, hang out, hold hands
Then we wouldn’t speak
You would call, we would drink coffee, longboard, and as if we were truly flying,
They days swept passed us uncounted.
Then you wouldn’t look at me during school
And you wouldn’t ever actually date me
And you wouldn’t make it facebook official
And everyone knows that if you’re not FBO, then it’s not real
Or at least thats how it was in high school.
So I left, I moved away, I forgot
Then you would call again and we would talk and laugh and even cry.
Remember that time you told me you loved me?
I forgot about that too, until you called the other day
You said you loved me and my world fell shattered
You dropped a bomb on my complacent life
And the buildings and routines crumbled
And like that Glen Hansard song,
We were falling slowly
And in a hopeful voice, we had said that we still had time,
But I was a thousand miles away
And you had a girlfriend
And time had run out
What we had in high school, whatever the hell it was,
Wasn’t going to work this time.
So we stopped talking
And those letters that I wrote to you freshman year are scattered along some backroad highway in Kentucky
And yeah I know you’re not supposed to litter, but I had to get rid of you somehow
I had to wash your smell off my skin
To erase the words we had spoken
So fine me!
Because this has already cost me everything
Remember those nights when we would lay on deck and look at the stars
It sounds so cliche now,
But those were the nights when nothing else mattered
When the world was just you and me
Remember when we said we would move to Colorado
We would buy a cabin in the woods
I would write books and you would read every last word of them
You’d teach me how to snowboard
And I’d fall, but you’d pick me up like you always did.
And we’d go home and eat chicken noodle soup
And you would hold me until we were no longer frozen
But thats all just a memory of something that should have happened
A frozen dream that will never thaw out
Why in the world did you call me?
The scars had finally healed, but you had to go and reopen them
You took a scalpel to my heart
And I don’t know when I’ll ever stop bleeding.  
I read once that we will never forget our first love
And I don’t even know if you can call what we had love
I don’t know if you can technically love someone that you never even dated
But I’m throwing all technicalities out the window.  
You were the first
and the only boy that I have ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I wanted to travel the world with you
To be so lost in each other that the maps would never be able to tell us the way home
Because just like that other song,
you would be my home
Because Home is wherever I’m with you
But now your just a memory
A healing wound that sometimes breaks open
One I look at now and believe will never heal.
But eventually, over time, if you ever stop calling me, it will.
And sometimes I’ll look at the scar and remember you, but I’ll feel nothing more.
So as hard as this is for me to say,
And as much as I wanted it to work out
Please, please don’t ever call me again.

“Before I die I want to be married with kids before I’m 30.”
“Before I die I want to work with kids all around the world.”
“Before I die I want to be able to look back on my life and be happy.”
“Before I die I want to climb, ski, longboard, backpack, see the world, surf, and do it with people who make me enjoy it rather than put me down for not being the best at it.”
“Before I die I want to pursue my photography dream.”
“Before I die I want to love with all of my heart.”
“Before I die I want to be kind to everyone I encounter.”
“Before I die I want to travel to as many places as possible.”
“Before I die I want to have kids who I raise right”
“Before I die I want to marry my best friend”
Well what about before you live?
What are you doing now?
Waiting.
*Stop waiting.

first woke up 8:23
went back to bed
                              (oh so hungover)
woke again 9:30, rubbed my eyes then
drank 2 ½ glasses water/puked. felt slightly better
but not perfect so
sat down on the couch in the dark
                                                            ­blinds closed
and read a book
                            (desolation angels - kerouac)
until my headache [sorta] cleared.
drank ¾ cup orange juice to take w/medication, antibiotics
(just got my wisdom teeth pulled)
and one tab oxycodone.
stopped reading (couldn't say why ... )
then sat lotus on the table by the window
writing/picked up jon's banjo n thought up
a neat (simple) roll, played classical guitar too
                                                             ­                     ---watching girls.
did that til i got bored, or the girls stopped
walkin' by (1 of the 2)
so i washed dishes for the fellas
grabbed a longboard from by the door
rode over to the LCBO for some beers,
passed the ShortStop on the way back and got an Arizona
to have w/my Romeo y Giulietta on the tour home.

when i got back jon was up
(wearing a blanket)
making scrambled eggs --- heavy on the onions,
using all the dishes i just washed..

I wrecked on my longboard yesterday
I know it sounds pathetic
People get hurt a lot worse skating than I have
But that moment when you fall
When you know you hit your head
Then stand up only to have your eye sight go black
And your hearing vanish
While your stomach turns
I have to say it was the scariest moment of my life
The funny thing is I got hurt showing off
Maybe I should just longboard because I love it
Not to prove I'm better than others

Im so awkward
Like I catch people
catching people catch me
Staring at them people
And I pretend like I don't hear them
Saying ***
look at his tattoos
and all he ****** does is smoke cigs
And longboard
I see that in their yuppy *** faces
*** we got so rich and cool
And lost all your freedom
******* and your shrimp platter
and your ****** puma im gonna burns calories on the tredmil
Of every day rich life
My tredmil is living paycheck to paycheck
******* the world
and kissing a girl
cuz really the paychecks pay for our ways to get laid

Things he couldn't do for me:
Hold my hand in public
Kiss me in public
Give me his shirts or hoodies 
Keep us exclusive
Wait to have ***
Wait for anything
Wouldn't role play
Say I love you in person
Try to see me
Make me feel loved
Ignore the other girls

Things he could do (and did):
Break up with me
Kiss me in private
Try to get me high 
Make me feel bad
Lie to me 
Date my best friend
Pressure me for ***
******* off
Flirt with other girls
Make me feel stupid
And insecure
And ugly.
He made me feel like I'd never be good enough. 
He made me cry and dry heave.
Be forgiven with a smile.
Make me hate myself.
Make me think; if I was truly beautiful, wouldn't he want me? If he thought I really was gorgeous and perfect, why was he with her? 
Why did you choose her that night?
I could feel the depth of my words that night. It scared me. Why did you lie? I told you I didn't care if you were flirting with other girls. 
That night you went to Alex's. Dated Amanda of all people. That lasted not even a month. 
It killed me seeing photos of you with her. Still does. You and her, smiling and laughing at the camera. You're her 'bro'. You teaching her to longboard. You promised me you'd teach me how to. I miss your smile before your braces. I miss your forearms. Every time I saw them I wanted to run my hands along them. I miss your hands, holding mine so tight my fingers and knuckles were white and purple. Their roughness on my bare ******* and ***.
 I wish ÿöü had snuck out on that night I was home alone. I wasn't ready to give you my virginity, but I was ready to make you happy. To make myself feel wanted. 
I regret not kissing you at that camp. If I could go back in time I would kiss you every chance I got. I would kiss your lips and neck, run my hands on your neck and chest and arms. Feel your power. 
I regret our last time kissing was over a year ago. I wish I could kiss you up until the point that me and mykayla started dating. 
I wish I had been braver and bolder. I wish I took the chances, I wish I went too far. I wish I had something more to regret than all that time wasted on not touching you

Ring the Bell for Old DePauw, Ha!
Here's to Cold DePauw
Here's to passing cars.
Here's to winter, Here's to bars.
Here's to frozen Noses, rigid Fingers
Sore Livers, rough Throats.
Here's to Shivers.
Remember the beginning
Remember waking up
Remember lost keys.
Remember yesterday,
A year ago?
Remember that longboard we found
Amongst the art.
Remember that sculpture,
And the moving stone.
Remember Heathrow.
Here's to dreaming.
Let there be Lighters!
And ashtrays!
Let there be fireworks
Keep the air and the friends in
Keep the door closed.
Keep it locked,
But let the noise out.
Keep the fan on.
Give me shelter
give me recollection,
give me choice
give me space.
We need more love
more canceled flights,
need more VHS,
more wine
more cheese,
we need more heartbreak,
more sweet dreams.
Let us keep pictures
Let us keep letters
Let us keep papers
Let us keep sweaters
And glitter,
Keep it all.
Let us keep it alive.

The danger, the thrills, the risk, the chills,
It all combines in wave riding to build
The most euphoric experience around.

It doesn't matter whether it's ten-foot or two-foot,
Nor whether I'm body surfing, bodyboarding, nor surfing - longboard or short.
Hell, even a stand-up board will do the trick... if you know how to use it.
Whatever you've got to use to gain that thrill
That comes with harnessing Mother Nature, even against her will.

Some might be snobbish and frown upon those
Who happen to ride only upon the foam,
But in actuality it doesn't really matter
So long as you're out there having fun, because in the end,
That's truly the one who wins.

And to tell you the truth, I believe that's me.
Scratch that. I know I am.
When I am out there I know I am having the most fun.
I'm whooping and hollering and exuding the raw exultation of being in the water -
Of being at harmony, of being one with Mother Nature.

That, that is what matters, and
That, that is what I embody.

Their were plenty of times i tripped over my own feet
Falling behind the more fluent riders
Waving my hands, pointing to the sky
My knees bent, the longboard beneath
my feet is trembling, wind smashing against my face
Swerving lane to lane in a figure eight
On a long asphalt hill
We called it swagin'


We cruise through school buildings walk ways
Campus lights over our heads
Brightening the smooth brick paths
We traveled across
Sliding around cars, curving on to the sidewalks

We met at the top of the steepest street
Formed a circle, and revealed our deepest thoughts
In a bond we agree to keep the words we said to ourselves
No  holding back we pushed off the ground with our feet
no fear in our hearts
Our yells and laughs echoed through the midnight trees
we lit the empty street with our smiles
climbing the peak of a roller coaster
Time stood still as gravity took its toil

At the end of the hill, The boards calmed down
and the wheels rolled to a halt
My heart jumping out of my chest
Skin soaked of warm air
Tears in my eyes
I was victorious

I am a skater.

Sort of.

I ride a longboard.

And one time, I skated home in love.

It was 6am. And the sun was starting to rise again.

After spending the night at her place.

At the point I didn't do sleepovers. I loved to smoke **** and watch reruns of old **** that made me laugh.

But that night.

I didn't care that I was sober, that I was ugly.

I didn't care that I wanted a bowl. Of food of ****. It didn't matter.

All that mattered was her hand on my thigh, the silent sigh. The moment her sister when up to her room at five in the morning.

After watching countless shows and music videos we finally were alone.

And we kissed and we stripped and we were marry. We almost had *** but then she carried me, to her bed.

And laid me down and with a smile she covered me with a blanket.

I couldn't take it.

So I woke myself up and kissed her good bye.

Maybe that was my first mistake.

And then I skated down the hill to my house. On my longboard

And it was morning.
I took selfies at that moment wanting to pinpoint the memory.

But nothing was stopping me from playing all the previous nights actions in my my head and in my mind.

She broke my heart in the rain. I've never felt so much pain.

And then I finally fell asleep.

She came into our lives as quickly as she left
We urged her not to forget us
Snapchatting all our fears away
We begged the others, of her same cloth
Not to abandon our fruitless group facebook message
The thread, she
Created
But we forgot all of those pieces of truth.

She dreamed of our existence
And titled it "Hobble Cage"
Because she couldn't think of a better name
At the time
But she will never forget the morning she awoke in her
Philadelphia sunshine, next to a best friend
Wrote it all down turned it into a thing
As to not forget
We cat called one another in her mind
Men catcalling men
And the women, they ran around in nothing but their underwear
We stuffed one of them into a trash can.

Starbursts at last
She bought them to share with the doggest of dogs of us
And for months she would not go to open up the package
Because she meant to share
But tonight she eats them all.

Young feet dancing and stomping the yellow starbursts down
Into a thin crust
On the Indian themed coffee table
In the deep south.

One of us sketched her in our notebook
When she first arrived
"I can't spend my life worryin' about the police"
She would tell the dog
He loved it.
It was so new
He flew back to the bar on his longboard
Sat next to her and bought shots all night
He wanted so badly to be the right one
Put on a big show, schematics and magic tricks
To appear
Like the warrior sun king
He knew she needed
And he so desperately and like
The dead bird she passed on the sidewalk today
Its face buried in the ground
Upturned
He failed
And will have to live with that fact
For the rest of his days.

She carries on
Its a vulnerable thing
The last starburst
Red
Some, many
Try to barricade her with rope and steel
But she always flies and leads the coop.

I remember when you told me you weren't going to live
Pass fourteen

I remember us laughing like it was nothing and I said
"You'll be fine, man"

I remember you letting use your longboard
Then ending up on the floor

The doctors were wrong
You almost turned seventeen
Before you became dirt and memories

I may sound sour
But tough love is all I have to offer

You've done all you can
Now rest up, man

They say, "hardly knew, thee." A lot when someone dies.
I know you of all people know how much I like to perpetuate clichés.
It's true, though.
I hardly knew you.
Yeah, we'd climbed our hills
Sat for hours staring at the view,
And plummeted down again.
But as I was getting better you started to experience degradation.
I let you go for a day and you broke your nose.
And as I began to descend into madness again,
You took one final trip with me.
I'll miss you,
I'll remember you
And I'll cherish the freedom you gave me

It may sound pathetic
But that moment when I'm alone
Outside in the dark
With a longboard beneath my feet
And the wind blows through my hair
As I cruise down the pavement
I feel as if I'm flying
It's like everything just starts to get quiet
And I'm only aloud to appreciate that small moment of freedom

Yellow lemon shirt, bright purple shorts
You grabbed the end of my salmon colored sweater
“I like the texture. I have this thing with textures."
You said to me, our clean swift tanned feet
Escorting us to the city dwelled beach
You wanted to surround me with the same familiarity
You had practiced so many times before
But I was
So new, so fresh, so unknown.

I remember you sat on the bus, and popped open a beer
Too nervous to sit next to me, I kept my cat eye sunglasses--
On all day, your circular RayBans reflecting only me.

Remember the first time you walked into the room
Your longboard in your arms
Swan, brooding in black glamour, your eyes and chest
Seemed so interesting, to little ole me
But you jump swiftly into roof top pools
Budding and swimming, disappearing
Text me only to update me
Pint of Jim Beam, I knew I could keep up with you
I thought maybe you could too.

Theres something about reflecting back on this time
The innocence, nostalgia of it
That fills my bones up with summer soaked skin
Margaritas in the sunshine
As you doted on me through a cellphone
FaceTime became our middle name
As you reached from afar,
Promises we could have written into the sand
Only to watch the wind blow them all away.

Fast forward to walking down the street, arm in arm
You still extend to me sometimes
It feels like we have arrived on different planets
When we choose not to now.
Wings and outstretched newness remaining
Crying under your strong limbs
My heels make me an Amazonian Princess
You chose to not invite me tonight
I guess I don’t blame you
As you walk away from the bar,
I’ll always be eons and centuries far
Away from what we hoped we could be.
Kisses that grew with intensity and longing
Ducks and swans eating eggs and pie
Such contentment, falling asleep nestled like little dolls
You wanted
I wanted
We wanted
We hoped
For this to be
It.

Sweeping into our childhoods
Our families, the cities we thrived in
They’re so different, we couldn’t be more different
We ate sandwiches and should have held hands under the table
Like we do now at times at late night diners
Our loneliness and longing
We reinvent with time and poisonous bottles.

You said the other day
That my poetry feels like a story now
But I teach a lesson with each?
Green leaves edging up the length of your legs,
Our mamas so eloquently speak the truth
Your spine, remember all the times
You professed your love?
As I watched with careful eyes
Running away a little at a time.

We walked to the movies together
Lips smudged in deep red
I remember turning to you afterwards
"I love the fact that a WOMAN edited that!!"
The look of wonder in your eyes
Has kept me here
Bopping and bebopping
All along.

Fire hair, unicorn woman
Other men and women dance next to you
But your eyes shift away
Looking into my face
But you turn to go
Once you see I was never yours to keep.

Unbuttoning, dancing into the wee hours of the night
Across gallery openings
Crowded rooms
The windows of buses
Brown hazel eyes that look like mossy green forests
In the natural sunlight
Delicate but hard rugged skin
Tattoos that made sense under the ink of a gun
Spiky hair that can’t decide which way to sit
Chiseled features, and those lips I’ll always miss a bit
Strength personified by angels sewn into skin
A stature often teased but so mobile, grounded, and free
And lastly the beating entity in your chest full of carefree
Amorous beginnings and endings, humors manners
Compiled into the nymph who ran away with my heart in May
And I lament, "Will I forever be chasing pixie dust?"

I love you.
So much.
I do.
You love me.
You do.
So much.

But I watch you sprinkle the environment
The atmosphere,
Swans biting and swirling around it all
Directing and flying into the shining sky
A beacon of tomorrow and the tomorrows to come
As we inch forward and inch back
Like wild hunters on the loose
With your kindness, your sincere interest
Wonder
You always understood me.

I don't have the answers
I don't know how to keep you
I don't know how to reinvent what we were
As our bodies demand and beg for love
But we
But you
But I,
Insert the perfect answer here.

I knew I always would—
Drifting further and further away with each day
Sometimes I long for you to rush
Through the rip tides and muddy waters
Of the deepest ocean
To rise on the other side
Gasping for air, fingers reaching
As if escaping from a pirouette
I long to encircle it all in frothy candy canes
Unicorn blood stained new found friendship
But we send pics, conveying how removed we are
Blowing out every single candle.

I thought I would have all the proper words
That I could articulate so simply
So simply and with lightness
But you turn 24 in 3 minutes.

I guess I imagined all of this differently
Entangling myself in all of the vines of my words
My thoughts, my fears, my joy
I gave them away to you like little trinkets
A book of poetry, sums up everything we were
But if I compiled it all
It would take me years.
Everything we are
As I curl with love into who I am
As I explode with prophetic cinematic splatter paint
As the ripest orange zests and still professes
Just like we did that warm fall Missouri wedding day.

Thank you.
Thank you for the stories to share
For unknowingly becoming a muse
In my elfin ear.

I placed a sunshine emoji next to your name
In my cellphone
Last week
Because thats what you are
Thats what you will always be
No matter how many times our hands reach
Only to fall back to our sides
As we remember and dote on the time
I told you I was a Southern Woman
And you chased me down the street
Inked yourself with the metaphoric image of me
I wave farewell to it all--
As I held you so dearly in the palm of my hand
Little porcelain
Little porcelain

Baby.
Doll.

Happy Birthday Zak.

We left our skulls in our hometown
Chocolate covered in sugar and protein
Made me feel better to eat sweeter
I had a thought as I sat on the edge of my bed
On this night, summer solstice
But I didn't spend much time with the moon
Other than to tip my top hat
That this whole journey
Every single second, bit of it
It all brought me here.

Thats why the ink on my leg embodies me, my soul
The essence
I didn't know what it wanted to be
And neither did I
I remember
Like the blinking and flashing of a thousand eyes
Walking in the fall of Chicago
In the skirts of Bucktown
You rode your longboard down the street
Or met me in Andersonville as per my request
Dunkin Donuts coffee
Don't you
Don't you
You must remember
Don't you?
Or I sat at a bar and waited for you
We rode the train
We wrote and carved our name
In the haves and have nots
The sunlight hit you in your favorite straw hat
I know you have the remember that
"I've never dated a professional director before"
You said it and spoke it
With such a mysterious amusement
And those words alone
You asked me how I felt about dating a professional dancer
I remember
My answer must have sounded like
A scuba diver trying to make phone calls under water
And today, as I was trapped once again at the hostess stand
I relived and saw it all
In my gloomy summer June haze.

Every single moment
Breath
A tight red dress at the Christmas party
The way you grabbed my *** before you left
Like it still belonged to you
I ran away from the Halloween Harry Potter themed party
And abandoned you
Only to come back because I was scared
Of what it meant to leave you alone
What it meant when I woke you up
To say I'm sorry lets work it out
The dinners I cooked
The soggy pasta you made
We watched Candy and wept
Did ******* to forget
That you would eventually
Steal your sweatshirt back
While I was not home
Without a word.

Because its all
Just come to that
Rainbow colored hair
And you fading away
I just loved how you talked to me
I thought we might side step
Waltz around the town
Worship the marks on our backs
But really truly
I guess,
You couldn't hang.

I'm not sure what it is
Perhaps the time of year
Our palms met with the newness
We had our first kiss
I came over almost everyday
But also stayed away
"I'm trying to make art things happen!"
I remember texting you as you tried to convince me to come over
And I meant it.
Every word, every syllable, every consonant
Of that sentence
And it took me a whole year
To sit on the edge of my bed eating ice cream
In the month of June 2016
To simply understand
That I came here not really knowing
Or even owning
What I wanted to do yet.

A big experiment, audition
I wear almost every hat
It enlightens me
And exhausts me
I allow myself to breathe
I thought to myself
Several times today
But I carve it out in stone here now
Close my eyes at the end of the night
Remember wearing the maroon sweatshirt of another man
My hair *****
I washed my parts in the sink
From the scapegoat of another man
And let you have me
Only to watch you take bottles of wine away
And remind me
I'm trying to make art things happen.

"Why do you hate me so much"
I heard and felt myself type in my minds eye
But I don't send it
I don't even type it
Like I was once wont to do
Its been 3 years and a past lover of mine
Expresses his mourning for the loss of us
3. Years.
Will you too, someday see?

But really
It doesn't matter
It just doesn't
I acknowledge the image of you behind the children's toys
Or the way I reflected in your aviator sunglasses
Or the fact you haven't deleted a single picture of me from your facebook
What haunts me the most
Is that I poured out every ounce of kindness I had left
And you smacked it away with your bright tank tops
And little man ways
Because you couldn't take
That I was just trying to make art things happen.

stood at the top of a concrete hill
longboard under my feet
down I go

my arms go out
flap like wings
I feel feathers

every flap sends
a gust of wind
through my hair

they flap faster, faster
faster still
until I take flight

for a moment
I control the weather
cyclone, I think

every problem disappears
I'm weightless
pure bliss

it never lasts
my wings falter
I begin to fall

the worlds problems whisper
marred words in my ear
in the form of laughter

as I hit the ground
I scream
they scream back

no
it never lasts

I bought a guitar
and a longboard
all in one evening

Hoping to make these
my new prized possessions

I'll get rid of all the distractions
and focus on my interests
I'm afraid are momentary
Like everything else

But this is different.
My board and I are alone
We'll become best friends
And I'll stop back at the skate shop
Just to tell them how our friendship is
And hope I'll see the nice dude
Who advised me to get the same board he did
Starting out
Or the girls buying kneepads
Who looked so *******
And like girls I'd want to know

And my guitar and I are
Already in love
Because of the way I've always felt about music
I'll come back and buy a travel case
And a five-year warranty
And return in ten days for a group lesson
And try not to have a crush on the boy with the
Flying fingers who sold me the sweet-voiced
Guitar
And listen for the one who played Come As You Are
Trying out his new guitar
And I thought it was the perfect song for me

Out of school
No longer with an arbitrary community
I'll create the ones I should have joined
When I wasn't shuffling papers and
Being successful

Thanks for welcoming me
My board's brand-name is Welcome
I'm looking for a home
And I want to finally be me

Tough as nails punk rock scream-*******-teen girl.

A real wild child maneater.

LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION- Girl.

Small town girl chaos all over the big city- long days and drunk days.

Hazed afternoons on the boardwalk- sublime shirt and a longboard.

Shaved hair and skin tight pants- creepers and two toned ***** dance,
no highschool claptrap dance for our action girl.

She's crazy as the glue she sniffs- she lives on the edge, she built a home on the cliffs.

*****, spunky hard as nails, screwloose downtown headcase.

Action all day, action all night- this girl don't back down from a fight.

It's been 636 days
636 days
15,624 hours
915,840 minutes
Since I saw you last

636 days
Since your eyes met mine
And I giggled because I loved you
And you smiled because you knew
I sat on the swing set at the old park
You sat across from me
Those eyes of yours that knew me from the inside out

636 days
Since we said hello and later goodbye
But in between the conversation sparked
You in your beanie carrying your longboard
I in my old ragged boots carrying my hopes
You asked countless personal questions
I told you countless personal stories

636 days
Since the day I met you
And the day I lost you
Since they day I gave myself up to you and you gave up on me
Maybe it's rash to fall in love after a day
But I did and 636 days later I don't regret it
It may have been short and 'wrong'
But I still love you just the same
636 days later

It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of the way you hold your cigarette.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of the way the street lights shine on your back as you longboard down the street.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of the way you speak about the bands you love.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about the fact that you love your cigarettes more than you fancied me.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about the way you left that day.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking of how you said you weren't ready for commitment and I couldn't help but stare at the tattoos across your skin.
It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about the way you spoke of her as though she were the perfect piece. It's 1:00am and I can't stop thinking about how I was the only person in your life that you didn't see as a form of art.
Maybe I wasn't broken enough for you.
It's 1:00am and my wrists are bleeding and I wonder, if you saw me now, would you think I'm broken enough for you to love me?

a poem for your wednesday
I was wondering
If you thought the clock ticking by
Made what we have more precious

I asked if you looked at the back of the note
I left on your longboard
Because I wrote it in a haze
After lifting my spirit up and out of the ground
I know you'd never seen my cry like that
I know deep down you think it's
So pretty so **** when the wetness
Fills my eyes and thighs.

Never meant to fall into the lake
The very lake I claimed was empty
The water had been taken away
Over seconds and moments
You've refilled both of our cups.

There is a comfort and deep pleasure with you
And I know you think and want to find it
No where else
But everywhere else
In time neon lights and an echoing prism
Simultaneously trapped and lifted us up.

I value everything about you
A smoldering respect but a fear of loss
Drips down my legs
If I could have you all to myself
I'd both open the door and turn the other way.

Ropes and whistles warn the sight of
Two women wanting your attention
I am pulled into a tug of war
We both say you never know, we don't know
As the word perfection or sweet nothings fill your spit
That I cover you in to make you feel good
And never forget.

I'm cocky and vulnerable
Temperamental and radiant
Easy to love and make fun of.

I cried this morning to my best friend
As we spoke about you
Because I can disappear into the thought
Of saying goodbye to you
Leaving this place
And the thing we took so much time to build.

I told you that first morning
That I couldn't wait to watch you grow
Little pretty bohemian words have etched into
Your long lean spine
I'm sure you look so cute in my shirt
As a tinge of pain asks me to not think on you taking
It off for anyone but me
As fair weather waters remind me that you have chosen
To keep your feelings of pain and jealousy away
But my dear, I just don't believe you
Not with the way that you can't stop turning to me
With your body, your mind, your eyes, your soul
After all that time of fighting it.

I  haven't sent you my thoughts or words in a moment
Every scene we develop, our hearts grow stronger
And that's what makes it all worth it baby
That's what makes the sting of sharing you
Okay for me for now.

You can see so much growth
In the garden of prisms
I love it best when you choose me
And I mean every lick of that
As a meaningful flirtation.

See you Friday.

xo

Thirsty Thursday
But tonight, I thurst for myself.

Stretched thin, tryn' stretch me thinner
I look in the mirror and think
Too much chocolate peanut butter
But I'm so ravenous after long days
I'm so ravenous, all the time
Got about 16 dollars to my name.

Mama doesn't talk to me for long increments of time
I come to wonder if she's just really livin' her life
Don't wanna listen or hear me talk about
Heart
Heart
Broken
Ah. Not so broken anymore.

Happy 11 month anniversary to me!!
Truly, really.
Chicago, I've almost had you for a whole year.
One of the boys texts me sweetly, like a dear friend
"Still feel like the new girl?"
"Like the new girl takin' over the city ;)"
And he replies: Yes m'am.

Swarms of paint and encouragement
But its the little things that take away
Don't let me lose this stupid job.
Don't let me trample this opportunity
Don't let me revert to old ways
Don't really wanna have a house meeting
But I know it, I know it good
There ain't nothing I can't get through.

Come a long ******' way
In just 11 months.

I contemplated and scientifically time lined a bit
Its hard to even remember what I said now.

Peter Pan.
I miss you sometimes.
But mostly I don't.
The thought of letting you back in terrifies me
So I kindly refute parties, gatherings
I heard you don't trust yourself around me either
And I think, I see in my heart, mind
What hurts is seeing the look in your face
When you see me.
THATS. Thats what I fell in love with.

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."
Thats it. Thats all.
It was never really you.
But the reflection back at me
Just like that moment I took my photo
In your sunglasses
I was so eager to have it all
But I didn't really know you at all.

Sometimes
I'll think back
To you meeting me on your longboard
We were supposed to go get vegan quesadillas
I was so depressed, lost.
I contemplate that time
I remember you were worried I was going to leave you
I think I wanted to, right then
It was such a struggle, all of it.

And I wondered today
How did we go from so good
So deeply interested, in love
To the pits of hell so quickly?
We were so much better over FaceTime.

I'll never fully understand it
But my God, what a story
What a time.

So.
Little pretty princess
Happy 11 month anniversary
You've come a long way you gorgeous queen.
Believe the kind encouraging words those around you
So generously give
Take in the hits, but swim over and past them
Rejoice in the hurt, the pain, the beauty
Don't be terrified little lamb chop dove love
Its you in the end
That writes your tail
Tale.

A Swiss First shirt
A beeping sound occurred
I got scared because theres so much tragedy in the world
I don't wear pants
I washed my face in the mirror and heard
"Don't act like you forgot."

A swarm of images
Its as if I dipped my finger
Into the well of yester year
But its not honey sweet
And its not that this moment is perfect either
But I'm not wearing green and over eager eyes.

I thumped down the steps tonight
After lighting and recording
My blonde multi colored hair shining
The only lady in the room
And at times I wonder
This could bother me
But it just doesn't
I've never been afraid to be the one
To fight for us.

But there it is
I remember sleeping on my mattress on the floor
In the corner of my room
I waited and waited for you
I put on a sparkly lime green dress
I would later give away for free
My hair decadent rainbow colors
I covered my face in make up
We acted like it was my wedding day
I mentioned wanting a ****** mary
And the others couldn't let it go
You traveled down the escalator
You knew exactly what you would wear
Your longboard in your hand
I know you must remember and think on these moments
Though you so severely err and continue to.

I remember how nervous I was
I couldn't stop spraying my mouth with mint
You grabbed me with one arm and kissed me
You had talked this moment up for months
It was hard and quick and fast
I remember wanting to push and pull away
Like I was ashamed that the others knew and watched
They called me your girlfriend
And I loathed it already.

That night
Movie talk surrounded me
You wore a straw hat
We played spin the bottle
And kissed others
It was weird and hard
You led me to your bedroom
As I came out of the restroom
And lured me down
Where my soul would soon partially die
Within the grapefruit mist of tigers and mildew
Filled dreams and things
Ex-girlfriends buried beneath your bed
Like they too, were a wasteland.

Little did I know
You would read my scripts out loud like you could barely read
And that wasteland would manifest itself in my dreams.

We made love
But it wasn't
I cried as you gave yourself to me
I was drunk and angry
And felt like everything was going to be stolen from me
We started and stopped
I aim to please
We drank and spit
We drank and spit
I drank and spit us out
And landed in your bed
Opened my eyes in the morning
And it was there that I lost my head

For the next 6, maybe 7 months.
So it all comes full circle
And I guess I will truly nod and be at peace
Once October 29th rolls around
And I remember just how you treated me
Like I was all the rest.

But to my utmost relief
It was never me
I know you bury yourself in the fat of another woman' flesh
Lost as ever
You think of me on this day
With your charred grin
Wilted face
Hairless head
And that demeanor I wanted to love so well
You aren't all bad
Although you might be a sociopath
And this time last year

You had me convinced
I was your bride to be
But now I write this
Next to the right man.

I met a man of the sea
down at Cocoa
surrounded by Christmas Cheer.
He was an old man,
one who'd caught many waves
then took a break
before catching even more.

The others were struggling
on 1 foot white water
with their shortboards and fish.
This man though,
he caught a few
on an old fashioned longboard
like what I learned on
as a child.

I looked at him with awe,
at this man who knew
the waves and their bobs,
and who knew what sort
of board to bring.
So I talked with him,
asked if he caught much.
He said not really,
the surf is too small for much.
I told him of my father,
and the one gift he gave me:
a love for the sea's art,
for surfing.

This old man then asked
kindly, openly
"Would you like to try it out?
I'll show you a bit."
I thought about refusing,
crawling away in shame
but I was drawn in by
that welcoming man
and so I hopped on up,
or rather slipped and slid
until I perched on top
clinging awkwardly.
He held the board a bit,
telling me to relax,
to let my feet hang down
at the sides,
and getting me to paddle.
Which is awkward with a board
that size between your arms
but I did and I did
pushing myself forward.

Then he let go
and had me paddle out
before calling that I was too far
because he knew where they came,
he knew where I'd catch one.
Turning I found easier,
though I tipped over a tad
before catching myself
and always with my ankles gripping
onto the rails.
I paddled back a bit,
back to that kindly old man.
He grabbed hold of the board once more
and told me to start paddling,
just keep paddling.

Then it was there,
the wave
an unmistakable rush
of most remarkable force
that rockets you forward
and rips away control
while giving you another sort,
so long as you work with it,
work with the sea.
I turned into it,
to the side that hadn't crested
to ride along further
instead of petering out.
Just like he'd taught me,
my father's old friend.
And though I didn't stand,
not wanting to ruin this moment
with an awkward failure at a popup,
I rode and rode
with a growing excitement,
a glee like no other
until at last I could ride no more
for the wave had run out
and the land had come up.
It was both too short
and yet an eternity.
Life encapsulated in just one moment.

I brought back the board
and talked a while longer
of how I'd been reborn
and he laughed oh so knowingly.
"All it takes is one wave,
that's how it was for me,"
he told me as I tread water
still awestruck.
Never has a truer thing been said
to me or to anyone.
All it takes is one wave
to learn what life is
and yet not know it at all.

I met a man of the sea
down at Cocoa,
surrounded by Christmas Cheer,
and he taught me to ride
along his waves.
I met the Man of the Sea
and he taught me to live.

There is no brother worse than you,
Or any brother better.
I guess you’re turning out alright,
Sometimes your jokes are clever.

You wake up when I come from work,
Pretend you’re doing homeschool.
Your sneakers were two hundred bucks,
They barely even look cool.

If you’re not in the car in five,
Oh well, too bad, you’re walking.
Sometimes you tell me to shut up
When I’m not even talking.

Your taste in music is the worst,
But not worse than your omelettes.
Last time I checked under your bed,
I found your stash of chocolates.

You never know how to react
When someone compliments you.
“Timmy, thanks for making brownies”
“Shut up, before I slap you.”

You read like three survival books
And fixed up an old longboard.
Sometimes I hate driving with you
Because you steal the aux chord.

Overall, you’re pretty decent.
Your hygiene could use some work.
Just slap yourself once in a while
So you don’t become a ****.

He looks into my eyes
and I see happiness.

I see walks on the beach
Rooftop views
Talks over coffee
Skinny dips and longboard slips.

I look into his eyes
and I find peace.

Peace in a world full of unanswered questions
Peace every moment we breath the same air
Or I think of his smile,
his dimples lifting up my world.

He looks into my eyes and I see love.
Love in its purest, most unrelenting form.

Love that mends my broken parts
and strengthens in my heart with every beat.

Love that covers me in a warm blanket
and makes me feel content.

Love that makes my toes curl
and my lips part
And brings perfection to my imperfect world.

His love is everything I need and all that I desire.
I can't wait for our tomorrows
of river walks, and philosophical talks.
Road trips and snowboard tricks
Puppy dates and frisbee games
Soft lips and a lingering kiss

And to be in my favorite place in the world.
In his arms with his love wrapping around me in a warm embrace.

Because I remember things, like people,
And skateboards aren't just skateboards,
they're my best friend and the memory of her pushing me around the kitchen in her longboard.

Pool and my eightball keychain are much the same, another friend's name attached to it like his lips to a drink, because god he could drink.

My uncle's the surfers catching their first waves and my older brother is all fighter jets and firemen.

Meanwhile, my mama's all roses and red bandanas, and the poetry I try to birth every night. And I only thought about colors when referring to her and I, red and blue mixing into a perfect lilac sky, but then my ex became green. Green like the olive sthetoscope they wanted and green like the song that hopes they're happy. But green, like the various shades coloring my house, doesn't phase me anymore.

Instead, life's a bit more yellow. Yellow, like the sunflowers I'd get Dali or the chicks my goddaughter would chase after on the yard. No. Yellow like the nailpolish you ruined and yellow like the sun that rises on the east.

Yellow, like fire or passion when you play, and yellow like the colors burning up the heavens at the end of the day.


Yellow, unbeknownst, laced into that first hello.