This addiction is bad
These injections will change your life
It is everything, it is nothing, it is unexplainable
Like being stabbed a million times with a knife
It burns my whole body
Inside and out
I want to stop so bad
But it fills my mind with doubt
I become obsessive,
Sometimes I'm in rage
Even saying something simple
Will put me on a rampage
There are bugs in my skin
I get constant heat flashes
I can't stop itching
It leaves me with gashes
Your friends become enemies
Every family member is now a stranger
No one can be around you
Everyone is in danger
I'm loosing my body
I'm loosing mind
This specific drug,
It's the worst kind
I can't feel my body
Now it's all down hill
I no longer shake
I am completely still
My vision is impaired
Feels like it was injected into my eyes
I lay here stiff as a board
As my body slowly dies
There's a hole in my chest.
Though at times I have to check.
He doesn't fill it.
That's not the point.
But he numbs the pain.
And that's enough.
More than enough.
But when he isn't here,
It's worse than ever before.
He's like meth.
Bursts of dopamine,
That my brain can barely handle,
So it shuts itself off,
Fights the next fix.
Tries to deny itself this perfect happiness.
But my heart won't let it,
Who cares if I die too young
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
my hands bear bruises,
my shoulder holds a purple bump
from the metal bolt you threw in anger-
you missed my head
(as if it's not fucked up enough)
and told me i was wrong
all i ever did was love you,
you're supposed to be my hero
but the monster took hold of you
and drowned your veins,
at the age of seven, i was taught that i was lucky to be alive
i was taught that i did not deserve to be alive
Soaked with our toes poking out of our shoes
but the fuse is alight and
one day soon,
things will turn out alright for the people who walk in the reign of the night.
When that tomorrow has come and the sun always shines,when hard times are the words on a book you once read,when the bread isn't stale,
what a tale you will tell
what a hell of a time.
I should be glad that they're your tales to tell and not mine.
but I share in your pain,share in the streets and will share it again and again until the rain stops.
For my birthday I would like a few new veins and a brand new life, okay? Wrap up some happiness, love and a little bit of sanity with Star Wars wrapping paper from the late to mid 70’s, please? Make sure to use bubble wrap because those three things can’t arrive to me cracked, I can’t survive disappointment like that. Help me find a way out of the life I’ve been trapped and stop me if I ever try to go back.
Today is October 17th and I’m now twenty two years old, daydreaming of quitting before hitting twenty three. I’m alone in my apartment, sober and painfully lonely, making lists in my head of all the ways I could make my life end. I spend every day counting numbers in my head, adding dollars, subtracting minutes and hours, ounces and grams, dividing 1.5 by 2 and injecting the remainder into my arm. I’ve never been good at math but I’ve become an expert at calculating the amount of poison needed to keep breathing, the amount of toxins required to stop myself from screaming. The equation is simple—just add up your regrets and add that number to how many mistakes you’ve made, then multiply the sum by the number of people you’ve disappointed. Take that product and add the amount of people you miss, multiply that sum by how many lovers said, “Sorry but I can’t do this” and what’s the product you’re now left with? That’s the number of reasons you have for not wanting to live.
But sometimes you can take that number and subtract it by grams, you can reduce the amount of pain that you’re in.. numb is possible with poisonous subtraction. Right now my bag is empty and so is my wallet, I have no variable to subtract from—there’s only more addiction and multiplication. What happens when I reach infinity and there’s no poison left to reduce the severity?
Is it sick to find it slightly poetic to die on the day you took your first breath? I’m growing tired of math and equations, I’m better with words and false explanations— am I simply venting or is this my official letter of resignation? Well, you do the math.. I’ve subtracted my life into the negative and I’m sick of being in debt.
I was young when I met you,
young and naive.
I fell for you so quickly,
they don't call you speed for nothing!
I was swayed by your lovely lies.
I always thought whips and chains were kinky,
I never thought you would chain me,
You chained me for life.
Your grip is inhuman,
your power is scary,
my will is strong,
but is it - as strong,
Wishing it was stronger than you?
I fell in love with you,
there was no other..
U were my number one,
and I know you want to be the only one!
You're like an ex,
the one you know there is no future with!
The one its easy to go to for comforting sex.
So bad but so good,
such a waste of time.
Why can't you be the ex who left??
Why will u always stand in the way of my next?
You are man made,
but yet you make me turn my back on mankind...
You possess me..
You must be from the devil!
You grow on me like ivy,
You want my soul forever.
Its a raw deal..
The deal is u give me a feeling -
and I give you my life?
Why won't you leave me?
Why can't you let me be?
I am only human,
Please set me Free!!
Please set me Free...
Its so sad..
But I'm happy to say she is definetely getting better Every Day!!
I was in love with you for so long,
I thought you were the best thing
That ever happened to me....
When ever I needed you,
You were always there for me,
And when you weren't I would
Feel like I was going to die,
I would search and search for
You every where and nothing
could stop me until I found you,
Sometimes you would show up
When I didn't want you to,
And when I tried to quit you,
You found me every time,
And I would give into you,
Every time you would make,
Me feel like I was nothing without,
You in my life,
I gave up everything for you,
And you just took and took
Until you took every friend,
Every relationship, every job,
My self-esteem, Self-worth,
Dignity, Morals & freedom,
Well this is good-bye I am
Done watching you destroy my
Friends and myself and I can
See you everywhere in public
In the eyes of people passing by,
All the homeless, mentally ill,
your running the world,
But you will no longer run me,
No one looks at me the way she does
Her eyes stares into my soul
The glares makes me feel the unknown
Forbidden love that feels so real
Its like both just know
We can be so bad for each other if together
Yet we both just strive to bring out the best in the other
Sharing the same weaknesses
Going through the same difficulties
We are our own addiction
Motivation to stay clean is the love for each other
We are just two meth junkies trying to stay clean
Our love for our drug should pull us apart
Yet it makes us cling to each other in the hope recovery will last
I don't know how sane this is
But it works for us currently
Everything in this moment is exactly how its suppose to be..