Twisted morbid thoughts
Life sucking streams
Hearts grow cold
Feelings go numb
Lonely empty open space
All the time in the world to waste
Alone in life is alone in death
Never alone when on crystal meth.
© 1997 Crystal Erickson
iMMa Love You
Till The Day They Make Me Leave You.
They Don't Know Your My Soul & i
I Know iTs Wrong, But iT Feels So Right.
Fuck you and your devilish traps
thanks for making my good days go to crap
thanks for separating me from my mother,
for making me look like a fuck up to my brother
thanks for the addiction I have to face
you really did take me to another place
thanks for making me into the person I am
at least you never made me slam
thanks for making me stay up for a week or two
you showed me that I got nothing to lose
thanks for putting shadows in front of my eyes
but if it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t have realized my lies
I now put a gat in the side of my lap
cause I can’t even sleep or even take a nap
I’m always moving around , where ever it is you take me
bringing me to my dealers house making me beg on my knees
even if it’s just leftover’s, crumpled up in aluminum foil
Now I pick my arms because I think it begins to boil
I’m known as the black sheep in my family
you made my life a fucked up tragedy
The scars you caused aren’t only visible but mental
Thank god I stopped before I melted my dentals
There’s still a voice in my head telling me not to leave you
but I want to start my actual life, I want to be someone new
I thank you for the shit caused, for the mistakes you made me do
But I’m leaving you now, one last thing, fuck you.
For my birthday I would like a few new veins
And a brand new life, okay?
Wrap up some happiness, love and a little bit of sanity
With Star Wars wrapping paper from the late to mid-70’s,
Be sure to use bubble wrap because those three things
Can’t arrive cracked, I can’t survive disappointment like that
Help me find a way out of the life I’ve been trapped
And stop me if I ever try to go back.
Today is October 17th and I am now twenty-three years old,
Daydreaming of quitting before reaching twenty-four
I’m alone in my apartment, sober and painfully lonely
Thinking of all the ways I could make my life end.
I spend every day counting numbers in my head,
Adding dollars, subtracting minutes and hours
Ounces and grams, dividing 1.5 by 2
And injecting the remainder into my arm
I’ve never been any good at math
But I’ve become an expert at calculating
The amount of poison needed to keep breathing,
The amount of toxins required to stop myself from
The equation is simple:
Just count up all of your regrets
Add that number to how many mistakes you’ve made,
Multiply the sum by how many people you’ve disappointed
Now take that product and add all the people you miss,
Multiply that sum by how many lovers have said,
“I’m sorry but, I just can’t do this”
What number are you now left with?
That number is the amount of reasons you have
For wanting to quit all of this
To check out, to give in – to end it
You can take that number and subtract it by grams,
You can reduce the amount of pain that you’re in
Numb is possible with poisonous subtraction.
Right now my bag is empty and so is my wallet,
I have no variable left to subtract from
There’s only more addiction and multiplication
What happens when I reach infinity
And there’s no poison left to reduce the severity?
Is it sick to find it slightly poetic to die on the day
You took your very first breath?
I’m growing tired of math and equations
I’m better with words and false explanations,
Am I simply venting
Or is this my official letter of resignation?
Well, you do the math.
I’ve subtracted my life into the negative
And I’m sick of being in debt.
The hints of a razor gleam
creeping up from behind
shivers begin to scream
a thought undefined.
Crystalline destruction manifests
in shards of failed dreams
circulation and cells cease
I am dumber today.
Clogging and fogging the mind
promises cheat their way into lies
when depression becomes a way of life
serenity is found at the end of the line.
Escaping the cavity
in trails of shame
in vigour and madness
incapable of sadness.
Black hole eyes
cannot see the coming despair
the next morning impairs
certainty is a lie.
Senses start to fail
iron will turns frail
the devil’s sugar and salt
must never be taken so lightly.
Subtle and methodical
killing what makes you, you
another round for old time’s sake,
and you’re stuck to it like glue.
No no no, this isn’t one of those commendable confessional rants of redounded reality.
We all know where that goes and what it leads to.
This rhetoric comprises solely of the faulty intuitive comprehension and the bullshit behaviour people have while under the influence of the poor man’s meth.
That could be mistaken for a typo.
Xeno-meph, would be what aliens are called if they did this too.
Extended warranty of your sinus cavity is a must.
And a mouth guard so you don’t churn away at the capricious calcium that are your teeth.
Smoke and dance till lungs and legs collapse.
Talk like you’re the spokesperson for an oil company that’s pillaging life and land.
Change your personality in a minute and become the douche you always wanted to be.
That smart talking, dick wagging, pussy licking, ass fucking, back stabbing, self serving, worthless piece of shit is now you, but it doesn’t feel like that to you.
Rational bullshit, your only reprieve.
Keep doing the same things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again hoping the outcome will change.
But you’re cool.
You’ve done this before, it’s solvable.
A break. That’s all there’s to it.
The itch in your nose has stopped. Your jaw doesn’t hurt.
You don’t feel like shit, but you know somehow that something is amiss.
Things are not what they seem. Sense doesn’t make itself.
The dark is your sanctum. Fast is your peace.
That’s not a typo.
The world cannot slow down for you.
You have to speed up. Another gram, another line, another lie.
Control is what you say it is.
Handles are what your stomach has.
Fast forward a few months and you don’t have a handle on anything.
You don’t feel down, you feel fine. Nothing’s wrong
But just another fall, and you’re straight out of line.
Justify! Justify! Justify!
Listen, keep listening… Talk! keep talking!
Everything makes sense. Everything is a sense.
The difference is that I’m faster, quicker, sharper.
Leverage is my mind, broken and blind.
I wish that was a typo.
iTs Difficult To Live Mylife,
The Problems iHave And Keep Creating.
Not Knowing Who iAm
Being A Drug Addict Who Cant Seem To Stop There Bad Habit.
They Say iTs Easy You Just Want To Want iT.
Not iF You Fallen So Low, left All Alone.
iM Deep iN This Shit, Deserve To Be 6ft Down To Rest.
iTs The Best.
iM Doing Nothing But Disappointing The Ones Taking There Time Trying To Support Me.
Wasting There Encouragement Not Knowing iWont Last Long Before iUse And Fall Back in
The Same Cycle All Fucking Over Again :/
iTs Very Sad, To Continue This.
Been To Many Places Yet Nothing Changes,
iM Tired And Overwhelmed .
Why Am iUsing Now?
This Drug Fills Everything Up inside Of Me.
This is The Reason Why iWent Back To iT.
Before iT Was Cause iLoved The Effects And Kept Trying To Get High Asf Like My 1st Hit,
Then Lead To Me Going At iT Cause
My Body Felt Like iT Couldnt Function Off iT
Which Made Me An Addict .
Loving And wanting To Always Have iT.
Before iT Was Great,
Then they Found Out The Truth.
Ever Since Then Ive Been Living Daily On Lies Having To Hide iT, Denying im On iT When Clearly iTs Obvious.
Chemicals Messing With My Mood ,
My Mind Now Plays Tricks On Me. Dont Know When itl Be Over Cause iDont think il
Want To ever Be Sober.
Dear Crystal Meth,
I loved you
I put so much trust in you
I spent every hour of every day confiding in you
I told you my deepest fears
I let you know how broken i was
and you fucking took advantage of me
You took everything i owned
you stole my family from under me
you robbed me of all my money
We never had a healthy relationship
From the first night i met you
you beat me into a bloody pulp
You made me hate everyone
You turned me into a monster just like you..
You dug your claws into me
You slit my skin with your razors of control
But you just brushed it off and kept destroying me
I tried so many times to leave you
I tried so hard to cut you off
But the attemps just failed
You flooded my mind with thoughts of you
You gave me flashbacks of when we were together
I heard your voice screaming when all i wanted to do was forget about you
You controlled every aspect of my mind
And my life
Then one day i couldnt take it anymore
Your abuse was to muc for me
You had me on my knees begging for a saving grace
I begged god for the light
I wanted to die
I stood on the edge of bridges
I stared at knives and blades
I felt like i couldnt continue with you
and like i definitly count continue without you..
Then one dark august night
God awnsered my prayers
He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me to sleep after so many weeks without closing my eyes
I slept for almost 4 days
Waking only to use the restroom and to shove any food i could find in my face
You slowly left my system
You didnt go peacefully of course
You begged me not to do this
but i didnt listen
I stayed true to myself
I finally left you...
Things wernt smooth at first
I felt lost
I was confused about everything involving life
I didnt know who i was
I thought i would for sure go running back to you
But i gave it time
I pushed through the hot and cold flashes
Ignored the hallucinations and the fevers
It was pure hell on earth
But the torture was worth every second because leaving you was the best decition i have ever made for myself
Tomarrow is 30 days free from your shackles
Life still is a constant struggle
I would not expect any different after breaking free from the cage of satan and into the sunlight of heaven
I now hae so many things to be greatful for
I have a roof over my head
I bed to sleep in thats not jail or a hospital.
I am a cherished member of y family again
I found love unexpectedly with a man who makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth
I have my goals and morals back
I see a future for myself
and most of all..
I am thankful i am breathing because you almost killed me
Someone once said
"Dope heads never quit, they only take extended breaks"
Well, i am proud to say i never am allowing you back into my life
So thank you meth
Even though you shattered every part of my soul
I now have a brand new outlook on life
I also never would have asked my now fiance for a ride home if you had never made me so sick i was in the emergency room
I dont regret you
Because i learned so much about myself and life from you
But now i can finally say...
I Fucking hate you and i will never be with you again
One greatful proud, life loving forever ex tweaker <3
There is a cold front hovering the streets
leaving cracks in the glass
And frost bite on my feet.
The streams of my veins
have been frozen,
Blood thick and solid,
My heart broken
I have mutilated myself,
my life, my sanity.
I cant even look into the mirror
staring at me on my vanity.
I have doused my memories
with her chemical mixtures.
How I cry and beg for her tinctures,
I devour them like the sweetest liquor.
Treat it like she's a remedy,
This frigid frost overwhelms my soul.
I feel as if I am falling into an endless hole,
one that I will never get out of,
How lifeless and cold.
I am screaming for help,
Yelling my grief,
I have lost myself, even my teeth.
Can you hear me?
Please can anyone hear me?
Yes its me down there...
at the bottom of it all.
Im trying to crawl up this wall.
But I fall.. I fall.. I fall...
I have lost to her, I surrender.
Through this horrific endeavor,
I feed her what's left of me.
She plucks me off like lime off of
a lime tree.
One by one.
Gone, Im gone...Im gone
I am Crystal Meth's galore,
and she is mine.
She speaks to me in tongues,
how they intrude my mind..
Goodbye M.. Goodbye.