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Z Aug 2018
Too many thoughts, too many feelings, too many faces

Yea, what’s the feeling of success?
Achieved so many things, but all I feel is regret,
I feel alone inside my head what don’t you get?
Wake up every morning like it’s still my set,
Reminisce on where I come from so I don’t forget,
Been to rehab a dozen times, they called me a vet,
You thought you knew me, I haven’t opened the curtains yet

Alcohol destroyed all my relationships
Forgot most of my life - except for the video clips,
Poisoned my brain to forget the pain, on the daily I feel insane
I’m above the ground though I can’t complain, god relieve this pain
I feel like I drank the blood of Cain,

Every day is a surprise, my brain tells me I’m so wise,
But he’s a master in disguise, while I’m the one who cries,
He’s the one who lies,
To me in my own voice watching my demise,
When he’s in in control anything flies,
It scares me, I built a fortress to disguise,
This out of control mind, I want to cut the ties
A Broad perception, in a beautiful world, through these eyes,

Try to express my feelings, no one can understand
**** it no one can, this experience is mine god had it planned
Just hope I can grow up to be the man,
The one he created to do whatever he can,
Yea, whatever he wants, his drive his will he can make a stand,
A visionary, Socrates his thoughts are grand,

Who do I trust, who I am or who I want to be,
It’s confusing with a devil living inside of me,
Loving spouse, family man what I try to be,
This bipolar got a hold of me,
Blindfolding me I can’t see,
Please doctor doctor set my mind free,
I thought I knew everything with my degree,
The lessons I learned from the things I failed to see,

Mommy and daddy got divorced when I was a kid,
I think I was 8, I can’t remember, who am I to kid,
My first blackout in life, daddy’s about to lose his wife,
So much anger, “he’s” telling me to find the knife,
Take it to the artery just a little slice,
Life’s not as nice, as people make it seem,
No one hears me scream, from the pain,
Inside this brain, some days I feel insane,
110 on the freeway trying to stay in my lane,
Drunk driving no I’m not sane,
Getting high to alleviate the pain

One day I can be the man, goals, driven, and full of will,
The next be full of sadness, regret, life stands still,
I can remember anger that drove me to ****,
You don’t know how I feel,
People probably thought I made a deal,
With the devil to have all this skill,
I write all these thoughts, hoping there’s a heart to fill,

Hope someone can relate,
I hope my pain makes you elate,
My perceptions not up for debate,
Here is my life there’s no room to understate,
The reality of my life and the things on my plate,
Strive to be in a mentally stable state,
Sometimes life’s not so great,
My minds locked in a crate, and he is the key holder of my fate,

My life feels like an afterthought,
Stepdad thought love was something that could be bought,
Used to get in trouble every time I got caught,
Only if they knew the realism of what I did, or maybe they ought
Not to know, but for the sake of the flow, I’m going to let go,
Put on a show so they finally understand what they missed long ago,

Let’s start as a little boy, all the love you showed was a decoy,
For the truth that mommy and daddy were ready to destroy,
Split us up, brown moving boxes was it all momma’s ploy?
I still don’t know the truth, I don’t want to ask or annoy

They say they fell out of love, how can you fall out of love,
Unless you gave up? Don’t you realize who’s above,
Poor American white family, three kids and divorced, man the stereo type fits like a glove,
Never got physically, but always received a verbal shove,
Psychologically I wish I could dispose of,
This garbage that’s left behind, in this mind how am I supposed to give away free love,


One day at a time, one fight, I’m going to give it all my might,
Serenity prayer please give me the light,
To accept my life and guide me right,
Some days things are out of sight,
God comfort me so I feel alright,
I’m shrouded in darkness, call me the dark knight,
Noble I’m my cause, daily life’s a plight,

As a teenager I survived off my drive,
Then there was the day I didn’t want to be alive,
Locked those feelings deep in the archive,
Padlocked in the deep parts of the brain so they don’t thrive,
Questioning the purpose of life when I was five,
Asked about space and God, curiosity already took a dive,
Most people and me don’t really jive,
One instinct on my mind is to survive,
Mania kicking in putting me in overdrive,
Found out when I was twenty-five,
I’m mentally ill, my life took a nose dive,
Time to wake up and revive,
It’s time to deprive,
The addiction and the **** I do to connive,
God im going to work on my life until arrive,
To the kingdom, hopefully I live to see thirty-five,

Todays a new day, no telling what I might do,
Try to hold my family together, backbone and the glue,
Just accept my view, everything’s not about you,
Been self-reflecting, I’m having a break through,
This story is contagious, call it reality flu,
Knocked on deaths door, Alcohol blood volume .492,

What was I thinking? Pores stinking, breath wreaking,
Family and friends shrieking, at all my drinking,
Woke up surrounded by the medical team,
Asked me if I was suicidal, I said what do you mean?
I’m a genius, with a good job, had one since fourteen,
Worked hard my whole life, why am I here confused as hell - creating a scene,
Needle in my arm, threatening to restrain me,
God please set me free, right now you’re the only one that can help me,
Ready to fight the doctors and nurses, now they’re going to petition me,

When I opened up my eyes,
Seen my momma with tears in her eyes,
Most painful look I’ve ever seen on her face,
Now I feel like a huge disgrace, wish she knew gods grace,
My hearts racing at a fast pace, anxiety took over freaking out in this place,
The realest hug ive ever felt was from momma while I was in that room,
Time to clean up my life, time to clear my mind and get out of the back room,
Where my thoughts are locked, time to forgive and bury the in their own tomb,
Most think they know me, and its dangerous to assume,
Most my life you seen me in my costume, hiding behind the monster of doom,
Spent so many hours in my bedroom, drinking so much leaving behind an ethanol fume,
Days later it’s still hanging around, how the poison turns everything into a darkroom.

12 days locked in the psych ward, hopefully I can move my life forward,
Dr. says I had an episode of major depression, I forgot to tell them about my secret obsession,
These words are the closest thing I have to a confession,
When I die take my brain for a case study dissection,
Don’t let my evil said lead you to mis-direction,
When im aware I can make the correction,
What an elusive lie, chasing perfection,
Life is about love and a real connection,
God im tired, give me a symbol give me direction,

Therapy sessions for years, did nothing to help these tears,
Still react with impulsion and anger, watch out for the danger,
the biggest fear ive ever had was the fear of myself,
and the things I was capable of to destroy myself or secure the wealth.
So many secrets it’s a masquerade, im hidden behind my stealth,
The lies created to maintain this alter-ego destroying my mental health,

My biggest pains in life are when I had it all and left it all,
My depression after mania was the biggest fall,
I felt like I was the king of the world, king of the jungle; hear my call,
My ego inflated from my achievements, made me feel tall,
Daddys dream was his oldest boy would play college ball,
Just like the song boys of fall,

Daddys dream wasn’t mine to live,
But that wont stop me from giving all I can give,
Im sorry for the night I was drunk and we got combative,
I shut that night out its not something I want to relive,
Please daddy forgive, now you’re so corroborative.

Now momma I know we do not speak,
The real issue is we don’t want to feel weak,
Why are we so strong, the ones who cant take critique,
Maybe we are so unique, and live life with such technique,
The type of thoughts people think are antique,
Their arguments bleak, our common point is its our mind we speak,

Im ready for the conversation, a common destination,
Where we live in harmony, and actions don’t lead to causation,
I hope my dictation, and the acceptance of your creation,
Allows you to accept me and the ground I call my foundation,
Rebuild our family, together we can create a formation,
Our time and love the only donation, mix em together titration,
It’s a ruination of the family, its everything I wanted it to be,

Ive struggled with every relationship,
With anyone I let close I seem to lose myself and flip the script,
Those evil days I hide in my mind, security equipped and encrypt,
I feel like im writing a manuscript, a story of a man who slipped,
On the struggles of life, and opportunities that have been stripped,

Went to college on a full ride, paid for room and board seen the debt and just about cried,
350 a month to the government talk about a life hurdle that broke my stride,
Since graduation I noticed im the new dr. jekyl and mr hyde,
Success in my life was implied, mental health hit me on my broadside,
Missed my grad school opportunity, I should have applied,
Had love going for me, turned into a landslide,
All I want to do is have a good job and be able to provide,
Im not the only one suffering this epidemic is worldwide,
I just want to sit by the lake side, retire and reside,
Somewhere peaceful where a simple life is implied,
The only downside, is the demon inside me that takes me on the regular for a joyride.

Worked 80 hours a week, drinking a fifth a day,
Most people don’t even know what to say,
To me it was just another day,
Its about to get nasty watch out for the word play,
Life not black and white live in the grey,
Area, mass hysteria, my mind runs astray,
Enough liquor in my blood to make me sway,
One wrong move may be my doomsday,
I write about my life like a final exam essay,
Giving it my all no halfway,
Yea, im making headway, opening the doorway,
For all to enter; serve up my experience like a fine dining entrée,
Living check to check, cant wait for payday,
Maybe someday, ill be on the golden walkway,
To the kingdom of god then ill be okay,
Impulses so strong its hard not to obey,
The other side of me that’s so hard to portray,
When hes manic I get risqué,
Let me paint a picture, get your tickets to the screenplay.

They say its not what you go through, but what you became of it,
My lifes not a stereotype, those stipulations don’t fit,
I seem to get back up after every hit, I couldn’t write this skit,
Im trying to use my ****, my mind feels split, I cant take this ****,
I just want to quit, go to therapy to learn skills and what to omit,
From my life, its hard ill have to admit,
Elementary school I realized I was a misfit,
Dreams in the stars, illuminated and moonlit,
Building a legacy without a permit,
Try to live life so im not a hypocrite.

Shocked by the responses to voice and gods word,
You can say in high school I was a nerd,
Football MVP and valedictorian man that’s absurd,
Wanna know my secret, ask me the password,
Stand on my own, not a part of the heard,
Forgive me for all my problems and troubles that have occurred.

The darkest secret you don’t know,
Is that im not motivated by the dough,
It’s the times where Im feeling high and low,
Sometimes it feels like time is slow,
The biggest crush to my ego,
Was when I had a 20-gauge ready to pull the trigger and blow,
Racking the shells, playing with the ammo,
The rest of my life I was about to forego,
I wanted to let go, because I wanna know
I write to share my story of experience, strength and hope.
In Recovery mentally and Recovering from substance abuse
Korey Miller Oct 2012
stars and stardust fall to freedom
from the press corpse,
from the incessant demand of chemical crises.
crowds ache for love or a substitute
and false amore is what they have.
love is folie a deux-
[the shared madness of two.]
attachment is an affliction,
infatuation is disease leaping from remission,
with deadly symptoms.
red roses lead to black coffin doors,
roses dropped on floors
from vases shattered,
and life is the water spilling from the stems.

golden hair won't keep me docile-
blue eyes and a smile
are weapons of mass destruction-
cities sunk and flags risen
from the depths of inhumanity.
it's all for you, Helen, and humankind will never
perceive its aftereffects,
its hangover headache
sprawled over the world on a bad day.
little city partylights and shiny beer bottles
broken upon the concrete
covering the grass.
reflections of insanity upon the glass.

devilish, the temptress,
the succubus, a mistress
sent by Him, to spin doubt into
the spiderwebbed life of family trees
split in two by axes, divorces
to fifty percent, no-
no wedding band-aid will stop this flood.
abandonment.
neglect gets to a child's head-
can't help but wonder if
they were the cause of this.
little anchors,
keeping the heart in one place-
an anchored rubber band that demoness
stretched and snapped.
the relapse gave her whiplash, and
the stepdad whipped the boy's back, and
the boy grew up and
found a girl to take his pain to.
she gave him five stunted children,
with eyes hollow and glazed,
a mechanical response to a command.

lack of emotion only seems cruel
to those on the other side.
lack of flourish means nothing
to those who grew up to grey skies.

chains and handcuffs keep stardust grounded,
remains from a nebula which
birthed a black hole.
straight razors and pinky nails
teach fledglings to reach for the sky
and never fall back down.
glass ceilings never seemed so
breakable- tiptoe upsidedown
and reach the other side
before you fall back down to the real world.

angels have no eyes.
angels have no souls.
angels judge and leave the helpless for below.
cliffsides crumble and clouds dissipate,
and the devil lends a hand-
he is helping sinners make it up to him.
in his face sit eyes gleaming brightly;
there are teeth grinning, off-white-
he is human, though sadistic
and he understands your plight.
the devil is forgiving,
and you understand nothing, because you
are nothing.
you are nothing.

stars and stardust fall to freedom, and the devil takes in all.
As I watch u sleep and hear u snore I can't help but adore
Just a child who may not be mine, I feel the love and obligation as it were true
Oh how I envy you, innocence I was once told
Is so pure, its ******* gold
A dead beat dad id like to beat dead
Doesn't care about one hair on your head
I may not be blood but ill give you my best
Give you rasberries and tickle your baby chest
Feed you and always care, your like a son to me. Ill always be there
I love your mother and you as well
Your gunna have lil brothers and sisters from me. I can tell
Your the coolest ******* kid I ever met
One thing I know ill never regret
Is being taught to be a dad, by lil dev
Brandon Webb Jul 2013
1.
He lights another mortar
and the dog runs after it
barking and trying to bite it
he grabs it's back leg as the sky lights up
since he had barely thought to look over
and the words around here don't reach his mind
his ears defective as they are.
He says something with his hands
something foreign to me
but six people watching laugh
and so do I.


2.
His wife sits with her sons
her stomach wide with their third
another boy
she's gotten so used to talking with her hands
that her voice is rusty
and her vocabulary limited
but she's here as much as the rest
sitting and laughing and having a good time.


3.
The owner of the house sits off the side in the nicest lawn chair here
a cup in her hand
we've quit counting how many drinks she's had
but she only drinks a couple days a year
and nobody is giving her any problems
and she seems to be able to be her normal self.
She had been questioning me earlier today
seeing if I was really a good guy
testing whether she'd have to sit at the table with a shotgun
every time I spent any time with her niece.


4.
Her husband is launching his own collection of mortars off
with his brother
while her brother-in-law hands the teens the novelties
I launch off a dozen flowers
and a few spinny things.
She occasionally breaks her fingers away from mine
to launch off a flower, smokebomb or firecracker
and occasionally runs over to poke-chop her uncle
who keeps talking to the fireworks.
She always comes back and we'll wander by her mom and stepdad
(the latter always throws in some sort of comment
so we act careful around him)
and over to her cousins
or toward her aunt and roommate.
Occasionally we'll have to get something from the house
and we sneak three kisses
but we mostly just stay in each others arms
keeping each other warm in the almost warm 4th of July night
our hands both entwined
one of our heads always on the others shoulder
and in all the craziness
all the family drama
everything is perfect and she's smiling so hard her cheeks keep hurting
and she keeps telling me how little sleep she's gonna get
and I tell her I ain't gonna be able to sleep at all
Ember Bryce Jan 2013
I wish my mom thought we were more important that the T.V.
I wish my stepdad thought we were more important
than his nightly bing drinking

I wish my stepsisters wouldn't be depressed to come home
or afraid to stay after dinner
instead of fleeing, alone
to their designated shelter

I wish my stepdad was less angry all the time
I wish my mom didn't have to thirst her sorrows with
boxed Franzia Red Wine

I wish she would stop complaining,
and see all the little things worth enjoying

I wish they knew their lives were slowly wasting away
faster than the drinks they put down
and the sarcasm they put out

I wish they knew there was a world outside
because I'd like to experience it with them
and leave some good memories inside

I wish they knew that missing their life
was more important than missing their show
I wish they knew missing their children's lives were too

I wish they could sit down with us
and learn what brilliant family they have
But we are too boring
We are no ****** mystery, crime
sport, beer, or wine

I wish they would be honest with themselves and each other
and admit out loud that
they are unhappy

I with they knew the energy they expelled
the atmosphere they create
makes it a home of one almost hated

They are good guardians, they protect us, feed us, love us
and I know they care
Still lingers this sad, constricting, and distant feeling in the air

I can come and go as I please
but I wish they saw their daughters
had the running away disease

Whether inside themselves, to their room, or a friends,
They should not want to escape their homes in the end

Their children have such inspiring minds
They are beautiful souls,
ambitious, intelligent, kind

I wish they could see
but it's blocked by the T.V.
and all the Netflix movies

I wish they could tell I am an outsider looking In
and I don't even know where to begin

Mainly I wish they would open their eyes
and realize, their lives and their family
are passing them by

We love them so much
we miss them
we know they love us
but I wonder if they miss us

Or if they even know who We are..
nicolas huerta Dec 2015
This small talk kills me
when once it was so easy.
I remember when I
was the favorite.

This was before her first car
and sixteenth birthday,
movie dates, weekend sleepovers,
and high school crushes.

This must be how old toys feel,
played out, aged,
traded for the new and bright.


On a sand dune,
we sit shipwrecked,
stranded,and talk carefully
like strangers do about
sea birds pecking for food,
dead jellyfish,
and the innocence of sand castles.

Dark glasses disguise
my quick views of bikinis,
fitness thighs, and smooth dark tans,

mask her sneak peeks
at young muscle, flat stomachs,
and cute boys with fashion haircuts.

She burrows her toes into the sand
to pass the time.
I try to think of jokes
to make her laugh
but no punchlines come.

We share a fancy grilled cheese sandwich,
shy giggles,
and a pink lemonade
before she can no longer hide
the boredom in her eyes.
I know its time to leave.

She reclines her seat back
and sleeps the drive home,
leaving me alone
with miles, empty highways,
and whispers of classic rock
from the radio.
Jake Espinoza Feb 2011
Somebody, come along and give me perfection,
for so dearly do I need it;
Somebody, approach with eyes that speak naught but love,
for I cannot believe in you.

Yield to me a rose from your mind;
Bestow upon me a token of the solstice,
It is then that I shall know you;
Lead me not into temptation, but forgive

My sins as they sing from the hollow of my heart;
I can only give you my all,

Show me what perfection might mean;
And I’ll give that which I can.
Disregard me as a peasant of yours;
And I shall follow you until my days’ end.

Lead me so into temptation,
That I cannot help but succumb;
I cannot resist your body,
You cannot resist my fingers.

Give to me all that which is yours,
And I promise not to hurt you
Until the times passes;
And one of us outgrows the other.

Tell me that which you want from me,
And most certainly will I avoid it;
Tell me that which you detest of me,
And most certainly shall I console you.

Give me yourself, for I have no self of my own
I shall expose to you my soul
For you, naught but you, alone.

I hope for you to give me hope;
For I have lost my own.
I beg for you to show me God;
For I am all alone.

I hope for you to love my rhymes,
For I think they are ****;
I’d love you for all of time,
If only I could make sense of it.

So, –––––, this poem may be for you,
As lame as it may seem;
But I’m hoping against hope
That all you love, all you know,
Can be seen in the lines between.

So what if I’m frantic, so what if I’m a joke,
I can’t help but love you still
So on my own tongue, may I choke
When I say these words to you
Words I know you want not to hear;
I could **** myself without you,
If only this time of year.

I am stupid in my stupidity, so
For God’s sake, someone beat it out of me.
I find solace in my silence, in my solitude;
May I will it otherwise;
May I triumph, may I elude
The source of my discomfort, that I should rather not escape
Though I may think myself Superman
I shall never wear tights.
Until tomorrow.

There was this one night were I was thinking about this one girl who meant this one thing to me; this one thing was one of the most important things of which I could ever conceive – sure, love – and ******* if I don’t miss it as a child might miss his favorite toy.
Don’t get me wrong, no, don’t get me wrong, for God forbid if I forget how much I forbid myself of God and thus need strength here and there on earth to continue with my open negligence of the divine ***** to which so many wrong-doers seem to do right.
I miss love like an orphan misses his parents – I miss my parents like an orphan misses his abusive stepdad. I miss my abuse stepdad like a kid that didn’t have one – I suppose I’m lucky in that respect – but let’s get back to the subject here, the subject of love – something someone always tends to stray away from; and let’s talk about it, because it’s on all of our minds, every waking moment of our slight existence because we have naught else to think about but the suffering of others.
Love is a selfish act, brilliantly, altruistically selfish and I would have it no other way. I can tell you that ten hundred people will die today, and your immediate thoughts will be for those that you love.
So back to the point about this one girl from this one place who meant one thing to me. Her name isn’t important because it’s not important to me or to her; it’s just something other people hold in their minds to match her face to a word. I myself don’t match her face to a single word but a dictionary thereof – I see her as being everything in the world at once; a muse, a lover, a fighter, a foreigner, a slight, the perfection of hatred – I see everything, everything that exists in her eyes.
Give me pardon or give me death, for that is all that for which I can ask in this crazy world with this one girl from this one place from this one moment in time in which we were in love.
Love to me is hopelessness, because I just think it’s silly – I can’t help but look down upon people with hopelessness, because they think it’s a virus, an incurable virus, that leaves them open and vulnerable to all the evil forces in this vortex of a world. I embrace my hopelessness, my hopelessness in love – for God forbid that I might begin to search for those things that only exist in romantic comedies, those feel-good Disney moments. I don’t want that perfection, I only want my imperfect perfection, the only thing with which I feel I can live; bestow unto me, my lord, my savior, my nothing, that which I can only find for myself.
Pardon my death, or **** my pardon, for I am not but a man lost hopefully in love – something I cannot, will not, will never want to escape, for there is no greater pain than the pain that comes from loving some girl this one night from somewhere who means more to you than any girl anywhere.
The second part is to be read as a slam poem.

Enjoy.
Destiny Jul 2019
Disappointment hurts more than anything.
Actually, no scratch that. "Feeling" like a disappointment hurts more than anything. Honestly, I feel like my whole life is a disappointment...but not because of me, but because of life in general. Life isn't fair and it won't ever be. Miracles happen, but you have to have your eyes open to see them. My eyes have been forced shut. Forcefully shut by society. A society that no longer has faith. None. Me, I have faith. And I've read that the smallest faith will move mountains. The mountain in front of me; disappointment. Waking up daily knowing that the smallest thing can cause any disappointment. From who? My loved ones. My mother. My Stepdad. My brothers. Everyone. Oh, you can't get out bed today because you are so overwhelmed; DISAPPOINTMENT! Oh, you want to move out and spread your wings; DISAPPOINTMENT! Oh, your alive today; DISAPPOINTMENT! Sorry that last bit might've been a little excessive, but sometimes the letters and words just flow like they were meant to be spoken, typed, or written.
judy smith Nov 2015
WHEN Grace Gray uncovered her wedding dress from the back of the wardrobe, she knew exactly what to do with her something old – turn it into something new.

The doting gran gifted her much-loved satin gown to her daughter Michelle, so she could have it made into a christening robe for her baby Pippa.

And the beautiful wee girl was all smiles on her special day in her hand-me-down, upcycled gown.

Michelle, 32, said: “I always loved my mum’s wedding dress and never imagined it would become my daughter’s christening dress, but I’m so glad it did.

“For Pippa to be christened in such a special family dress made the day all the more amazing.”

Grace, 54, wore the pearl-encrusted ivory dress when she married husband William, 73, in Clydebank 18 years ago.

Michelle helped her mum to pick the dress and was a bridesmaid at the wedding.

She said: “I was quite young when my mum married my stepdad and I remember going shopping with her when she picked the dress.

“It had lots of pearls and diamantes and I just loved all the sparkle. She looked so beautiful.”

After her wedding, Grace packed away her dress in a box and kept it at the back of her wardrobe.

Michelle, who is looking forward to her own wedding to partner Frazer Ward, 29, next year, said: “It has been there ever since but she came across it when she was clearing out.

“It was her idea to have it turned into a christening dress for Pippa.”

The family took the dress to Fabricated Bridal Alterations in Glasgow, where the seamstresses made not only the christening dress but a head band for Pippa and a matching hair clip for her sister Tilly, four.

Michelle, who also lives in Clydebank, added: “I did feel a little bit anxious at the thought of mum’s

dress being cut up but the end result was so beautiful.

“Mum had a tear in her eye when she saw it.”

Grace said: “I can’t think of any better use of my wedding dress than seeing it given to my

granddaughter for her christening.

“I felt really honoured to share in her big day in such a special way. I was overwhelmed by how beautiful she looked.”

Andrina Greig, of Fabricated Bridal Alterations, said there was a rising trend for women to put their wedding dresses to good use.

She added: “We’ve had more and more women getting their wedding dresses made into a christening gown for their children – but this is the first time we have had a grandmother’s dress brought in to be made into a christening gown.

“Michelle’s mum’s dress was perfect for the transformation.

“It was in great condition and the beading, bow and button details were ideal for scaling down and keeping as a feature on the christening dress. We were thrilled with how beautiful Pippa’s gown looked.”

read more:www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses-adelaide

www.marieaustralia.com/red-carpet-celebrity-dresses
Lee Matvey Jun 2020
A wilted flower,
plucked by a scary black crow,
growing in new dirt.
It's been awhile.
danny Nov 2018
let me know if i am being too cruel when i say “if we met now would we even recognize each other?”
years of shoving nicotine and alcohol down our throats and foreign mouths on ours amplify the passing of the short amount of time it really has been
it’s not like me to depend on a new substance but god the crackling of a 4 year old voicemail is like the throat hit of a lifetime
my joints still ache like that weekend in the city and i don’t know if i’ll ever stop hurting
i feel like we are fighting the inevitable and i am the only one who knows it
let me know if you get this smoke signal
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
I bet you never got to know
That I wasn't always depressed
I was always narcoleptic

Every time I told you I didn't feel good and couldn't see you
I wasn't depressed
I was narcoleptic

That message in March
Where you said you even loved when I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed
I was narcoleptic

I couldn't help it
People never understand, it's like how you feel when you've been up for days
I was narcoleptic

I could sleep 12 hours
And not feel refreshed, because my sleep doesn't heal me, like it heals you and others
I was narcoleptic

I know I took those stimulants
But they made me edgy and nervous, and I turned into a ****, so I didn't take them but
I was narcoleptic

You see, those stimulants, Vyvanse
Made me feel like I'd been up for days but running on 2 pots of coffee because
I was narcoleptic

A man who has been up for days
Is not often the most polite and I hated being impolite so I stopped taking them but
I was narcoleptic

So I spent my days sleeping
Sleeping till noon, then needing to sleep at 3 PM, until 10 at night and then until noon because
I was narcoleptic

Your stepdad said he wouldn't stand for that "crap"
But I couldn't help it, I wanted to see you more than anything and I knew it hurt you but
I was narcoleptic

Not only am I narcoleptic
I think I have fibromyalgia just like my grandmother, who loves you too, I think,
I have fibromyalgia.

Today I'm still narcoleptic with fibromyalgia
But I've found a cure, a mix of two pills, one for the narcolepsy and one for the pain
One pill is designed for nothing but narcolepsy (not ADHD) and the other a narcotic for the pain
You'd have no idea how much better I feel than I did before
You'd have no idea because you don't care to learn who I am
Because I'm not who I was, I'm refreshed, something new, I'm normal for once
Not just feeling bad, not just tired and sore and fatigued, not so depressed I can't get out of bed

Just narcolepsy and fibromyalgia.
Sirenes Apr 2015
Grandpa Ody retired, content
Worked at GM all his life
The entire family drives Opel
20% discount with a form
Provided by Ody

Now my stepdad married my mum
Making me his daughter
Through their union
We drive an Opel too
Many sets of Opel keys on the dinner table

It may serve us to know
That we recognize our keys
By one glance, one main indicator
For most of us; the Opel car key
Who knows the difference after a few drinks

And so I switched our keys
With those of my stepdad
He glanced at them a few times
Something was wrong
"Nah it must be in my head"

We've payed for our drinks
Thanked everyone
Three kisses in Belgium
Our cars are parked across each other
Click says the lock of our car

Quickly we unlock the other car....
We say goodbye...

"Who took my keys?!"
Natalie Hughes Oct 2018
1) At age 8 you realize that someone you look up to might not be the angel they pretend to be. Sometimes you’ll have to hide in your closet, crying, because you can’t stand to hear his yelling anymore. Your sister will hold your hand and sing you lullabies as you fall asleep to your father repeatedly pushing his girlfriend into a wall.

2) At age 9 you find out that blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood. Just because someone isn’t your family, it doesn’t mean that they won’t love you the same. And when that person leaves, it will never be a final goodbye, even when the thought of your father brings tears to their eyes.

3) At age 10 you learn that no matter the age, children can be evil. They’ll put gum in your hair and push you down on the playground, just because you enjoy reading. When you come home crying to your mother, she’ll squeeze you tight and whisper “You’ll show them one day, my darling”.

4) At age 11 you come to the conclusion that women are very beautiful and have soft lips. You’re scared to admit it at first, but love is love is love. When your stepdad catches you kissing your best friend, he’ll forbid you from seeing her. But nothing will be able to stop you from realizing who you are and what you like.

5) At age 12 you’ll understand that leaving everything you’ve known can be the hardest thing to do. You’ll scream and cry and punch walls when your parents tell you that you are switching schools. You’ll lock yourself in your room and throw things to the floor, telling them how much you hate them and praying that somehow, someway, they will change their minds.

6) At age 13 you’ll understand that leaving everything you’ve known can be the best thing to happen to you. Despite people making fun of you for being the new girl with the funky haircut, you find a group of people who just get you and pull you out of your shell. You’ll start acting and singing and spend your weekends at the beach with some of the greatest people you’ll ever meet. You’ll find yourself for the first time in your life.

7) At age 14 you meet the man who will change your life forever. Your friends are his friends and you love the feeling of falling asleep on his shoulder. People tell you how much he loves you, he tells you how much he loves you, and you finally feel the sort of completeness you’ve been searching for since your father left you.

8) At age 15 you see the devil for the first time in someone who tells you that you are the love of their life. When he pushes you to the ground, you can’t help but think of when you were 8. You’ll fight and breakup and kiss and makeup, an endless cycle that’ll leave you completely drained. But after the third hospital visit in a year, and a night with him that leaves you scared of people ever touching you romantically, you find the courage to leave him for good. No man is with worth the anguish and heartbreak and hatred.

9) At age 16 you learn how to find yourself again. You cut your hair, join the cheerleading team, and toss all the toxic people out of your life. You let yourself try new things and experience a life without the grip of a malicious man holding you down.

10) At age 16 you’ll also learn how devastating loss can be. A wall of blackness will drown you in class when the principal tells you your friend is gone for good. You’ll blame yourself for not being there when he needed you and you’ll blame yourself for never recognizing how much trouble he was actually in. At the funeral, you tell his brother and father and mother you’re sorry and even though you’re not crying (because you haven’t shed a tear since your ex retched your innocence from you) you truly mean it. His voice will always be in your head and you’ll see him everywhere you go. You’ll learn that great men will forever live on.

11) At age 17 you learn the meaning of true friendship. It can come in any shape, size or form. It’ll come in the social studies teacher who taught you what it means to be independent and enjoy it. It’ll come in the friend you’ve had since 7th grade but never realized was your soulmate and best friend until you spend an entire month traveling together. It’ll even come in the stupid grey and white cat your family got after the previous one died (at least this one will fall asleep next to you).

12) You’re 18 years old now and things aren’t always the best. Some days are worse than the others and you feel like giving up completely. But you relish in the fact that you are getting an education at your number one school and have found a group of people who make you feel at home even though you’re 7 hours away. You never thought you’d make it this far; never believed that you had it in you to get away after years of begging to do so. Every trial and tribulation has helped you become who you are today. Every tear, every smile, every experience has led you to this exact moment. Take advantage of this beautiful privilege and never lose sight of what you want. You are a powerful woman who doesn’t need a man to help her believe this. You will do great things, just keep your head high and always remember the little island and people that helped raise you.
AmberLynne May 2014
Let me tell you the story of how you showed me what it means to be part of a family.  Let me tell you how sometimes I joke that “hitting means love if it’s your family,” but I’m only actually half-joking, because that’s how I grew up.  Let me tell you how family has been for me in the past and how it meant people that would hurt you, betray you, abuse you, and destroy your very will to live.  Let me tell you about the nonexistent dad, the hateful stepdad, the cousin that liked hand jobs, and the uncle that came for me every night without fail.  Let me tell you that the abuse wasn’t just ******, and how that one time we got sent to the orphanage I was only upset because they took away my little sister.  Let me tell you about how I found a strange peace there.  And let me tell you how all the people I have loved most have died, and how I thought I was a curse so I stopped loving at all.  Let me tell you how weird it is to me to have parents calling to check up on you, and eating dinners together, and just having conversations.  Let me tell you how I look at y’all, confused as to how you can stand one another without the help of drugs.  Because let me tell you, that’s all that stopped the yelling and punching and hate at my house.  But let me tell you about how y’all seem to genuinely care for one another.  And let me tell you how much it makes me want to cry to be enveloped within this family.  Let me tell you about the time your mom told me she loves me and I didn’t know how to respond, because my mom and I only traded hate.  But let me also tell you about how I started saying it back, and mean it.  And let me tell you about my 26th birthday, when your family threw me my very first birthday party, with cake and ice cream and presents, and I didn’t know how to react to such an outpouring of love, or how to begin to show how thankful I was.  Let me tell you about y’all planning a trip six months away and inviting me.  Let me tell you how much it means, not only to be invited on a family trip, but to be accepted so much that it’s just assumed I’ll still be around then.  Because let me tell you, I live in fear of losing you.  And let me tell you about the time you almost gave me a heart attack by asking if I’d be okay with your niece calling me “Aunt Amber,” because part of me is still scared of getting that close.  Let me also tell you how my heart clenched when your mom told me your niece threw away your high school dance pictures because I’m not in them.  So let me just tell you how I cry happy tears now, knowing I am part of a real family.
Sixth in a seven part series
5.28.14
Original Title: the Haunting

I feel lost remembering looking at you in tears
heartache at the memory
Why do I torture myself by listening to the last song
that had you sobbing
and it broke my heart to see?
I can still picture the color of the walls dark orange
the hot humid night in Honduras
on the front patio of the orphanage

I remember the morning you were laying in bed
when you told me you had had enough
We had sold or given away everything
Returning home to the States with $1000 in my bank account
Thank God, for my stepdad..still had a place to stay

Tears stream down my face
Hard to see the notepad as I write

****.

I look up at the sky..first full moon night
Who, exactly up there decide I should be born human?
I thought you were supposed to be a Good God...
What curse did I deserve for you to let me feel this pain?

In the background:
Roette: "Yeah, it must have been love but it's over now.
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love but it's over now,
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows."

and yes the wind blows...well more like it *****!

Broken, did i break you?
Was I so cruel?
Never meant to hurt you but the road to hell is paved with good intentions

Was it my silence or..
the burning lust I could never quell
..which I wonder at times if it will not lead me to hell...
and worse to a hypocritical Christian..the judgement on those who know the truth
is much more severe than those who have not heard.

Martika sings in the background:
  "when you tear temptation call..
    it's your heart that takes the fall"

The irony of it is
it started as a dream for us
one to share for the rest of our lives
I cared about you...listened to you
You were there to hold me in my dark moments
wipe away the tears
We danced, we had fun...
Years later when you were telling me how much I had changed...
you reminded me that when we first met..I sang to you at the beach on a starry night
Trapped in the romance and I was so far gone
Funny how different we were then almost twenty years ago
You had such high hopes for me
I changed from telling you I would never darken the doorway of another church to a full-time missionary
--15 years later I realized who you needed was a man I could never be

The wolf tattoo I got after the divorce
was because I never wanted to be so nice
or vulnerable again

You were so beautiful in that wedding dress
the way your eye shone
at the moment we were happy and it all looked like a promise

It's hard lesson when heartache becomes real enough
that it is an burning ache in the center of your chest  

This is an open wound
It feels like the pen should be writing gangrenous vile dark grey/green ink
as it lets the poison out

**** it.
   Time for another **** and a sip of wine
   Enough of this romantic ****

J Geils Band...singing about how love stinks..
music to my ears

Does make me wonder why
I let this internal drama play out
or worse get the better of me

And the songs go on
Brett Michaels - Love *****
Lily Allen sings smile - along with a video of her paying some guys to beat up her boyfriend

Not entirely sure..and maybe it's because it's one of the first times I have done this
But listening to other peoples anger and misery damnably helps
--and it amuses me that she got the cheating *******'s *** kicked

Cheating is the one thing I never did
though my ex would argue the point and call **** my mistress

Strangely, I will always admire her for giving so much
and how truly she was committed
Though it stings when she said she did it for God and not me

I know how deeply I hurt her
Yet I don't know if she will ever undertand the sacrifices I made and just how hard I tried

Somehow at the moment
Getting ******* is more fun that whiny assed *******
...and there's something to be said for some good **** and two buck Chuck

Love for  a human (and yes there are times I wish I was an alien..god knows that is how I got treated all the way through high school)
Reminds me how you make a statue
Simply carve away all that is not the statue

So it is with us
   what we must learn about love is as much what it is not
   as it is what we think it is
or what we think it should be...

I so want to write something deep and profound to impress everyone
Which it is the best time the write the last line and to...
           STOP
Got just a bit ****** and found myself pouring my heart out
Weird form of therapy but the only way to deal with a pain I have not been facing.
Nola Leech Jan 2021
Sweet Tea wrote 3 months after I turned 15, 2018


Before you, I was a girl devastated by things I couldn’t change
Trapped in an endless bitter reality from which there was no escape
Sinking into a dark, spiraling well, from which I reached my hands and found a pool of light
You were my light, a haloed sunshine angel, who graced me with his presence for what seemed so long and ended so abruptly
The sound of your voice seemed to be honey, so sweet, attracting the bees, attracting me
My sunshine sweetheart, angel lover You’ve done your time so now you can leave
Why would you want to stay with me? I’m only a cement brick that will bring you down
A loose thread that will tear you down, a yammering parakeet who will wear you down
One time you told me that I thought too  highly of you
How couldn’t I? With someone who made me feel so confident with my body, somebody who praised me, someone who thought I was worth their time at least for the time being
In a way it’s better that you left, you’ll never be forced to see what I had to see looking in the mirror hating every inch of myself, hating the way I acted, and the way I interacted with everyone and hating the way no one seemed to like me
But you liked me, but it’s better this way because I’m a letdown
It’s Like when you thought you had bought sweet tea
But it’s actually unsweetened



The new version
Sweet Tea wrote 1 month before my 18 birthday, 2021

Before you, I was a girl alone
Being molested every day by the people who said they would take care of me
I was a fourteen-year-old girl who was taught at a young age to get yourself a man to save you
So I tried everything to keep you because talking to you distracted me from the fact my fourty-year-old stepdad was touching me
But what I definitely didn’t need was a twenty-year-old man messaging me
Telling me all the things he wanted to do to me
When the law would finally unclaim me and allow me to give someone a part of me he doesn’t deserve
You made me feel so much more alone
Somebody who told me he’d touch me
But instead of giving me what I’ll need he’ll leave
“Lick me up like an ice cream cone” huh Luke?
yes I thought highly of you
Because you made it seem like you’d never hurt me
You were the biggest disappointment
You always will be
original written about a man who groomed me in 2018 when I was 14, vs now I'm nearing 18 in 2021. as you can see I know how things are supposed to be now and I have stopped blaming myself
KellzKitty Feb 2015
Dear "stepdad",
You told me I'm nobody special
Well you're right
That's right I'm not denying it
I'm going to embrace this
You shocked?
I don't care and neither should you
Because I'm nobody special
so why would you care?
You've told me I'm worthless
That I am a piece of sh#t
Well I don't care as of today
I'm turning my back and walking away
You can try to bully me but you can't break me down
Its about time this frown turned upside down
You're nothing to me just the boyfriend of my mother
Also the father to my future brother
But to me you're just a bully and I don't care anymore
Hell I let your words get me to run out the door
But I'm back and I'm here to stay
Nothing you can say will take me away
I'm strong
I'm powerful
And I'm me
I may be nobody special
But at least I'm myself
And I'm okay with this
So now I will gladly say
Go **** yourself
J Dec 2020
Maybe my mother and my stepdad were happy once.
but that was a time where they still thought it was freedom
to be out of a household
as I'm thinking now.
there was a time where they could look into each other's eyes
and think
This is who I want to spend the rest of my life with
I want to hate him.
I want to hate him when his hands are on her,
on me
on us.
I want to hate him when he tells us that he doesn't love us
when he says he doesn't love my mother
that he's going to take my sister and brother
his kids he says
and leave.
I want to hate him when he tells me that I'm not his.
He's not my dad.
He's not my other sister's dad either.
that my mother's a *****
that he'd rather **** his cousin than look at my mother again.
We're nothing to him
I want to hate her when she tells him to leave, too
when she keeps talking
spitting on him
telling him that he's worthless
that she's cheating twice as much as he is
when she tells us that it's our fault he's mad
our fault their marriage is failing.
our fault.
I want to hate her when she leaves us alone with him
and comes back to my strongest sister in tears
asking her why she's crying "like a little *****"
I want to hate her when she breaks down because he's now been gone
for six hours
and we don't know if he's coming back.
but I can't hate them for long, because maybe they're right.
it's probably our fault.
I know they were in love once.
when I was young, and his kids hadn't been born yet
and I was living with my grandfather and grandmother
with Lilly and Cherish
that was a time where he could be with her
alone
always.
they were in love with each other once
back when I wasn't cutting
or drinking or smoking
back when I wasn't thinking or talking
back when we were nothing but children
tiny children.
they were in love once, and now there's nothing.
somewhere when they started
falling apart,
they left little string
and as I grow older I find that I follow it
the string leads into why they're still together, but
see
the string will run out eventually.
"For the kids"
"We can try"
"we can make it work"
"I'm sorry"
"I love you"
those all get thinner.
See I think that they were in love at one time
but that was before they knew each other.
maybe he'll be back tomorrow
Jeremy Mackey Feb 2012
The Commercial says:

Collect the whole set!
Buy Tommy Toddler™! –Now says 6 gibberish phrases!
Buy Hannah Housewife™! –Laundry basket and stove included!
Buy Stanley Stepdad™! –Comes with realistic child abusing action!
Buy Cole, the College Student™! –Life-like *** and beer ***** scent!
It says: Buy the whole family.

Batteries not rechargeable, but included. Residing inside.
No assembly required unless buying Ralph the Retired™ – in which case,
Go to the hospital and inquire, am I covered ?
Have I expired ?

At the store I’d, see them all sorted, and sordid, clumped in little bins. Together.
Sort of. See,
Lawyers, and scientists, and authors were all in higher priced bins.
I felt shorted.
A cheap skate like me couldn’t afford it, wait-
there are the janitors, soldiers, and waitresses, each only a quarter.

Somewhere in Taiwan, thin children wont to wanting,
Are making Model Americans.
Patching together assembly-line-lives, no breaks inbetween,
Workers named High School, College, and Career sew mini seams.
So many seem, to delight in dreaming the American Dream,
To leave earthly bodies and become pristine; little dolls.
Toys colored C.R.E.A.M.

“…and the home of the brave!” ?
maybe, home of the depraved.
Home of the pre-made, pre-packaged, and
Enslaved.
Displayed, in plastic tombs engraved. With phrases like:
Save! 50% off!
or perhaps it’s 50 stars off.
50 stars that are missin.
Cuz Old Glory sure looks like a **** question mark ( ?)
End transmission.
Restart television with Remote Control.
Jessica Leigh Apr 2014
Who is to say that addictions won't work
When my mommy likes her marriages
When my daddy likes his *****
When my ***** likes her cigars
When my ex-stepdad likes his control
When my best friend likes his ****
When my ex likes her ***
When my arm likes its scars
And when my heart
Knows it can't live without what it does
And without you?
These people listed
Are not based on people I know
For the most part.
Angie Feb 2014
A first kiss is a deadly weapon
ours was nervous and in secret
a large dog making me sneeze
jumping over the SUV
because your stepdad can't park
and clinging to you
because he also can't drive
When you met my parents
on New Years, pictionary
we both yelled "anarchy"
and I will never not smile about that
Wow look another poem that doesn't rhyme and has no rhythm *laughs for eight years*
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
's right
Your mom was too
So was your stepdad
So were you
Please go back to a month ago
Don't change your mind
I'm awful
Tell everyone so they know
I don't want anyone else getting hurt by me
I'm a monster
Vincent Folkes May 2016
My whole life Iitried to live in the body I was given
The body I am in
Growing up I never “saw the signs”
I never knew that there was anything else I could possibily be
I never knew that I was going to change
Or that there was anything else
Something. Someone better that I could be
Someone who is more comfortable in their skin
I had no idea that the reflection I saw staring back at me everyday in the mirror was not me at all
Ive noticed that ive felt different from how I was taught to feel
Ive found out a lot of things in my life so far
But I never thought I would find myself being envius of boy
Not because I disliked them but because I wanted to be like them
I found myself not wanting boys
But wanting to dress like them
Not wanting boys
But wanting to walk like them
Not wanting boys
But wanting to have my hair short like theirs
To have a “boys” hair cut
I found myself not wanting a boyfriend
But wanting to be someones boyfriend
I found myself realizing that so many girls have that muscular physique
I thought it was normal because other girls looked like that

So maybe I can too?
I tried to fit myself in the categories I saw others in
Girls. Boys like girls. Girls like girls too
I like girls. Im a girl that likes girls
But I do not want to be a muscular girl
I shouldn’t be in this body
So why am I?
Why does my mom strictly tell me not to pick flannels when were in the store
Have conversations with my stepdad saying
She wants to be….
But how can she…
If shes not even..
How can she?
She doesn’t like showing skin she tells him
Im too angry to listen to rest
But then he says
Im not saying its right but its her
HE SAID IM NOT SAYING ITS RIGHT
HE SAID IM NOT SAYING ITS RIGHT
WHAT IS RIGHT!?
I was certainly a fool
He never did accept me huh?
That. Is .Right.
But in my eyes im struggling with confusion
The illusion of my body and what I have now
Is the not the reflection of the real. Me
I found myself listening to other peoples stories and comparing myself to them
I should feel the same way because you have to feel the same as everyone else to be trans
But I didn’t. So I brushed the feelings away
Let them fade.
Blind to similarities
Frustrated because I had no idea who, or what I was
I looked at so many peoples stories
And the one thing I didn’t take from them all until the end was
They were all different
NEVER WERE THEY IDENTICAL
SIMILAR
NOT IDENTICAL
SIMILAR
NOT IDENTICAL
WHO
Am
I
Who am I if I am not the same
I am different
I am not supposed to have the same realizations as everyone else
The entire time I was looking around for answers from other people
Truly I knew exactly where the answer was
But. The feeling of trepidation was all my mind knew for the first few weeks of searching
I found myself thinking some more
This house is only bringing me down
Can I just get out of here?
I found  myself wondering  why she loved to prevent me from doing things I loved
The same ones that praise you
Are the same ones that hate you
I am me. Alittle bit different than most.
But im me
I found myself, while writing this poem
petalsx Jan 2014
I just want to run away
Escape and get away.
I'm so tired of everyone jumping down my throat.
My mom isn't even the same woman I remember her to be.
I'm stuck thinking if she even cares about me at all.
My stepdad has become so irritating.
They seem to love my little brother more than they even love me.
IF they even love me.
My biological dad is a ******.
He left.
No one gives me a ******* break.
NO ONE TAKES ME OUT OF HELL. THEY JUST PUSH ME DEEPER INTO IT.
I've been waiting to pack my **** and go.
But where do I go?
Anywhere but this house would be fine.
I have no friends which I dont really care about but now it feels like I dont have a family.
I JUST WANT TO GET AWAY. SO FAR AWAY.
IM GIVING UP.
im just trying not to.
Thorns Feb 2019
Hope you feel better than i do
Todays my moms birthday...
i feel so nervous
im tired
my stepdad called me a *** and goth over me being emo
and almost killed me for the 3rd time
i feel like the cover of a fricking Nirvana album
bleh
I don't kno any more
Jen Jordan Oct 2015
4/3/15 6:09am - Missing you is worse than finding out 3 weeks later than the rest of my family that my grandmother has cancer, because my father "forgot" to tell me.

4/4/15 12:37pm - Missing you is like the tv special I watched when I was 8. I won't ever forget those conjoined twins who's operation failed. Or how the one who survived always reached for the other.

4/5/15 12:43pm - My god, missing you is so much harder than I thought it would be and it's been just two days. I've had constant drugs and sunrises. I'm so empty.

4/6/15 2:07pm - Missing you is driving all night to watch the sunrise but being too busy collecting shells you might like on the beach to look up at the sky.

4/7/15 4:11pm - Missing you is wishing I had the guts to jump.

4/19/15 3:59pm - Missing you doesn't make sense anymore but it comes much more naturally then walking or speaking or breathing.

7/6/15 5:09pm - I miss you.

7/15/15 6:46pm - Missing you feels like being told that my mom is leaving my stepdad weeks after it's happened and wondering when she'll admit to leaving me.

8/19/15 12:23am - Every night it all comes down to missing you from the bottom of a bottle or the passenger seat of a strange boys car.

10/1/2015 8:37am - I don't know when I stopped missing you. I guess maybe it was when you ****** my best friend. Or my other best friend. Or my other best friend. Maybe it was when you fell for her. When someone who knew nothing about you, didn't do everything I did for you, who can't even commit to you, was suddenly better for you than I ever was.
I don't know when I stopped missing you, but I miss missing you this morning. I miss missing you.
Brandon Webb Jan 2013
I type in that old address
expecting google not to show a house
to show the empty lot
that from what i heard
was the result of putting a dishwasher
into the kitchen
and causing complete septic failure
that flooded that entire uptown PA acre.
But, it flies me there
and I cry a little
because it's an old picture-
the house is still there,
just as i remember it;
an empty lot to the side,
the dilapidated apartment in the back yard,
the shed at the end of the driveway
(which was just a couple of cement tracks
slightly thinner than the pathfinder tires)
the apple and pie cherry trees we used to climb.
the alley in the back
where we used to skip rocks
and run from the neighborhood dogs (and cats)
looks the same as well,
every car the same,
every empty house still empty,
every tipped trashcan still being tipped each week.
I go down every street I used to walk,
they're all the same,
the bus stop is still where it was
the trails are just as long and dark as they ever were
and each yellow yard looks just as it always did in midsummer.
the ponds in the park are still the same color
with the same algae growing in them
and the same overgrowth hideaways around them.
A mile down the road;
the mini-mart where I bought gum when i had money
hasn't changed a bit,
even the pink umbrellas are still in front of the smoothie bar
but, across the street
the used book store that i would get lost in is gone
and from there i notice subtle changes:
the blackberry bushes by the middle school,
that mom made multiple cobblers from, are gone,
the maternity store moved,
the shed that my stepdad first told us would be our new house,
(before showing us this place)
has been torn down, or fell over
(as i assume it did),
and it doesn't end there,
I practiced my eye in the small details of this small ****** of the world
even though i never talked to anyone
in all the hours i spent walking.
But i guess I remember so well,
because, four-and-a-half years later
I still consider that house home.
that house where my brother was born,
where i first went without my glasses, and liked it
where I was first given the freedom of a bus pass
and permission to leave the house,
where i had my first (and only) overnighter
where i first became addicted to cleaning
where i've packed so many memories
that i can understand why the sewage line broke
sometime after that picture was taken



©Brandon Webb
2012
Taylor Adcock Apr 2016
I look back.
A dad, a sister, a brother, a mom.
Moving five, seven, no, thirteen times.
A father gone,
A sister to school.
Another stepdad,
No three boyfriends.
Of all, two criminals.

I look back more.
Three, four, school districts.
You promised one final.
Promise not kept.

I’m sixteen.
My first car, breaks.
My second car, breaks.
My third car, Mom breaks.

One, three, four attempts.
Goodnight.

I break; But looking back
It could have been worse.
No dad, no mom;
Just brother and sister.

At least I have three.
Goodnight.
I wrote this when my mother was struggling with depression. Every day she would yell at me, and say all she wanted to do was **** herself. Right after an attempt on herself, this poem was written. I keep it to remind me of the dark before the light. She is doing much better now.
Pauline Morris Mar 2016
God doesn't love me he never did
Even from the start as a little kid
I was so innocent
Or maybe just ignorant
I don't know which
But stepdad threw the switch
And I was neither this nor that
My soul just went splat

I hit a wall so hard and strong
I would forever always be wrong
No matter what choice I made
It all ended up so decayed

This life is no fun
I live it far from the Sun
But I could never hurt anyone
So why is it so
That upon my soul
That the sorrow it grows
And the stale wind blows
How could God hate me so much
That my life would turn out as such

That the agony just grows
In the memories that it's sows
Makes me wish this life was no more
I'm hollow to the core
I don't want to hurt any more

So take this living corpse of mine
In all of its great decline
Do with it what you wish
For it never will see any bless
So use it up and spit it out
Because after all isn't that what love's all about

Because that's all I've seen
In the 46 years that I've gleaned
So use me now, or use me latter
You'll always be just a hatter
In this mind of mine there is no doubt
That this thing called life I want to bow out
And forever be no more
And settle the score

I want to stand on that judgement day
And hear what God really has to say
Let him look me in the eye
Let him see me cry
From all that he did not save me from
And why he left me here so numb
That all I can do is shout
Is this what love is all about!
Teri Bennett Nov 2013
My mom was a wonderful person

Codependent on a horrible loser

My stepdad was terribly abusive

He'd sneak in my room and be intrusive

My brothers he beat with a belt

Until they all had big welts

We're young we can't see the loop

Soon in life we will follow suit

I married a man who's verbally abusive

To my daughter his moods were intrusive

Why do I feel so sad

When his behavior was so bad

He would yell and scream

But I held on to a dream

I could help him shine supreme

I found there was no solution

I had to leave his pollution

Time to make a new start

Away from this man with a cold heart
haylee beckim Jun 2018
A blur of sparklers at night during the summer and getting burned every time.
2. The blue and pink colors of the Texas sky that looks like a ****** painting
3. The almost unbearable warmth that made you want to sleep in the fridge
4. My stepdad would ask me what I wanted for dinner because mom wasn't home and neither of us knew where she was
5. I remember being horrified of the doctors and my stepdad blowing up gloves and drawing faces on them.
6. That everyone that it was weird I liked my marshmallows for smores almost chard
7. I thought my fashion sense was amazing, with my Hannah Montana shirt and glitter perfume.
Kurtis Cullen Feb 2014
Prairie winds howling from the south, the entire southern plane a gaping maw issuing forth wide frozen tides in the air scorching the land. peering thru the open blotches of the windshield on the way home, headlights revealing the rolling billows of misty scintillating snow devouring the gravel road way, old raised green truck roars thru the drifts. Earlier, twilight. Freezing. Everything the wind touches, everything that blocks its path becomes still and solid and severely dense. Had a bubble bath before i went out. AB =Long Johns 7 mo's. outta the year. Cheeks barely exposed to the elements, cells begin to deteriorate instantly, the strong stolid ache appears seconds afterward, and spreads in my blood quickly, and doesn't stop till some minutes after i seek refuge in the truck. Taking an elk. old bull. my step dad bumbles the first shot and the beast runs down the *****. He shoots it again. Cuts the throat and eventually takes off the head. Draining Blood is steaming. Leave the entrails in the snowscaped pasture land. Chain the legs to the bale mover on the back of the truck and make for the shop a few miles away. There Fire rages in an old steel drum in the corner, burning wood blocks and black petroleum wax leftover from the pigs that blast out from the pipelines. Feeney's in my coffee mug. The heat radiates just enough to reach us in middle room but we still wear full coveralls against to stifle the endless cold. We hang the carcass by running a steel rod through its achilles tendons. Grandpa & Stepdad refer to a murdered family in Consort whose place was burned down, suspect the son was involved in a drug deal gone bad. (Cohen bros. come to mind. Real life in Alberta & BC seems a blend of Big Lebowski and No Country). Skinning the elk. Carving it up. Learning the different cuts of meat, where t-bones come from, tenderloin, round steak, sirloin. Cool. Mass more than a 100 lbs of meat for jerky making. Country cousins comin over the next few days to help with cutting it all up. Striking a balance between fine articulation and the art of laughing. Turns out Everyone respects poetry for the audience. Good god y'all.
Written during Xmas break
Naomi Zabasajja Jul 2014
HEY!
Who wants to know a secret?
Like, a really good secret
Juicier than a ripe nectarine
Heavier than a one-thousand pound weight
Scarier than your stepdad on Easter Sunday
Funnier than Kevin Hart in Madison Square Garden
Who wants to know a secret?
Deeper than the ******* Pacific Ocean?
Softer than your nephew's skin
Lovelier than your lover's touch?
Wetter than your 3 am tears?
I have a secret.
It's better than the best chocolate you've ever tasted
Slower than the traffic in Manhattan
Sadder than summertime
Sexier than the girl of your dreams.
Let me tell you a secret.
-zaba
#secrets #happiness #wow
Kimberly Rose May 2020
When you said you wanted to strangle me
I thought how grand that would be
There wouldn’t be a me to cause more stress
I wouldn’t be around to make more of a mess
You could live your life as any normal day
I’d be your problem, come and gone away
So wrap your hands around my neck
and don’t stop until I choke on my last breath
As you feel accomplished you want to stay to check
Now ****** is your addiction, now it is your ****
My life is gone, no room for precious moments
My life is gone, there’s nothing more that torments
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Hey, mom,
Aren’t the stars gorgeous tonight?
They remind of the days when
You turned off my light.
Every night, I remember,
You would tuck me into bed
Plug in my night light and
Plant a kiss on my head.

Wow, mom…
Wasn’t it such a long time ago
When my baby sister and I
Came in the house from the snow?
We were always dripping wet,
You toweled us down and hugged us tight.
Hot cocoa was always ready for us,
The temperature always just right.

So, mom,
Please know we forgive you and dad
It’s not your fault we didn’t
Have everything others had.
The divorce was a good thing,
We know that, trust me,
It’s just that it was scary
Not knowing what would be.

Hey, mom?
Thank you for bringing us home.
For giving us a house
And free space to roam.
These plains and skies are spacious
The air we breathe is clean,
I’m grateful for the life we have.
Thanks for everything.

And, mom…
Do you remember move-in day?
After we unpacked my things,
I told you that you didn’t need to stay…
The truth is, mom, I cried like a kid,
When you pulled out of the parking lot.
All the courage that I thought I had,
Well, I guess it was lost.

Really, mom,
I hope you know how much I love you.
I want you know that I appreciate
All the little things you do.
I want to take this time to apologize,
For all the hurt that I’ve brought to you.
I know raising me wasn’t the easiest,
So I’m sorry for all that I’ve put you through.

Lastly, mom,
I’m glad that you found our stepdad.
He’s always been here,
Through the happy and sad.
Yes, we all complain about our mixed family,
The house might not be clean…
But in reality, we all love each other.
What else do we really need?


Hey, mom,
It’s okay. Please stop crying…
This is a happy moment.
I love you so much! I’m not lying!
Thank you for all that you’ve given me.
Thank you for believing in me.
We’ve lived and learned together,
That’s all we really need.
andrea hundt Aug 2013
When I was born,
My mother held me.
She loved me truly
And without restraint.
I was new
And not afraid.

When I was five,
My father held me.
He loved me on weekends,
But never stayed.
I was innocent,
Yet I felt shame.

When I was nine,
My sister held me.
She loved me when my stepdad yelled,
She hid me away.
I believed in fairy tales
Up until that day.

When I was fifteen,
My boyfriend held me.
He loved me when I hurt myself,
Until he did the same.
I was at fault,
I took all the blame.

Today I'm sixteen,
I won't let you touch me.
Don't love me, I'm not worth it,
Or so my demons say.
Maybe when I'm twenty,
I'll escape my chains.

— The End —