I have sons spread around the world
birthed by different girls
foundation built in my arms.
recognition of the need of men
of the Love of a woman,
for a woman to guide his heart,
to open his eyes to his start.

she whispered,

the power of the son.
he is of she, penetrates the sea
and births anew.
she the prototype, the official
original, the womb.

woman, her scent alarms the masses.
and we scream now.
we scream and we cry
we live in angst in our homes,
our men are concerned.
yet our pheromones sense things,
weather and other perturbations.

mothers voice in the heart of her children,
daughters tend to stay closer to home.
women, we hear the call!
as we quiet our longing drawl,
the pull we feel to somewhere, we know not of
a place beyond the beauty of our eyes,
we know,
we remember,
our requirements as a creator.

ours, the power of the reflection
of the full moon,
the trees dance in the monthly celebration,
though in the desert, I've seen a few
who,
when the moon is too full,
too reflective of its presence,
they fold to hide from the light.
knowing whats best for themselves, I trust.

I just can't help but to choose to stand
with Her.
stand in Her light, my mouth
opens for the gift.
the thirst quenched.
head tilted back, think of
the men of the world.
if I could just hug them.

as Ms Badu claims
I bet you LOVE can make it better …
I bet too.
I bet I can heal you.
open your heart, peal the bitter,
drain the water, raise the alter.
praise the lover, embrace as a Mother.
pour into the builder, the sender.
release his true endeavors.
release the tension in his body,
helping him to know
mind over matter.
plugging him into the true
creative power
of his ***, his gift of Love,
of his body penetrating another.
what his self is communicating,
what his seed is sprouting.

he needs our healing.
his heart is calling, and he's stomping around
like a little boy! I have sons, they stomp around…
they need mommys love,
mommys extra love.
she, calls us to her sons.
new normals, open our hearts
health always to follow.

Do you know the muffin man?,
Its not a nursery rhyme,
He haunts kids dreams with horrid scenes,
The scream from time to time.

His apron smelled of cinnamon,
His finger nails were clean,
He brought the nicest cookies home,
Mommys face would gleam.

He came to school two days a wek,
And gave out yummy pasties,
He chose kids very carefully,
Rejection made him nasty.

She found it out the hard way,
When she pulled away from him,
He told them she was telling lies,
He tore her from within.

Her mommy looked so horrified,"How could you?",
She would say,
"Poor daddy brings such good things home,
You will be sent away".

Society believed this man,
And Cherry went away,
Asylum life was home for her,
For 10 years and 4 days.

So many children broke their silence,
And accusations heightened,
They spoke of muffins molestations,
Mommy became frightened.

They came in droves to talk to Cherry,
From shrinks to talk show hosts,
They helped her open up,
And talk about those childhood ghosts.

Now, muffin man has ***** hands,
And spends his life in prison,
But left behind are countless kids,
Cause mommy wouldn't listen ...

Mommy mommy pleas wake up
I don't want to lose you
all this time is not enough
Mommy pleas mommy open your eyes
you look like your sleeping so why cant you rise
Their putting you down into a box
you look pretty why don't you open up your eyes
grandma sais im staying with her tonight
Mommy im young but I can see them cry
when I ask weir you are they say that you died
But mom that's not true you  cant be gone
you taught me a lot expect  how to live without you
mommy pleas mommy open up your eyes I don't know much but angels arnt supposed to die

"When I was Growing Up"

Cocky boy, fresh of nineteen,
Kept his sense of power keen.
Muscular arms, sureful smile,
Every ******* his phone's speed dial.

"Hey Big Bro," his brother said,
"Come tuck me in, it's time for bed."
The boy just shrugged, saying "Do it yourself,
When I grew up, I didn't have help"

So he went to bed peacefully that night,
Without putting up much of a fight,
Pillow touching his bearded face,
Thoughts as far away as outer space.

"Wake up, wake up, it's time for school."
"Mom, I drive, you think I'm THAT uncool?"
"Get up now, you know you can't drive,
Only fifteen years you've been alive!"

He looked into the mirror, and then he saw,
He looked so young, and wasn't very tall.
His muscles gone, you could see his bones.
A Gameboy took the place of his phone.

As he began to get ready, his mom was still home.
"Son, you're too young to be here alone."
She packed up the lunch he normally fixed,
He looked in the mirror and now he was six.

Why is this happening? What's going on?
All the things he once had were now gone.
He tried to look in the mirror, but he was too short,
Now he sat in the living room, in a blanket fort.

His brother laughed, he was much older.
The boy was tiny, not even up to his shoulder.
Mom was outside getting into her Viper,
And he just realized, he'd wet his diaper.

An uncomfortable feeling, he begged to his brother,
"Please change my diaper, I don't see mother."
His brother replied, "Hey kid, tough luck,
I didn't have anyone help me when I grew up."

The boy was so helpless, in embarrassed dismay,
If his friends saw him now, what would they say?
He woke up, saw his brother, gave the mirror a stare,
Stroked the beard on his face and decided to care.


----------------------------------------------------------------­

"Color Me In"

My life was a dull gray,
A soft monotone.
Till you came into my life,
And gave part of your own.

The colors appeared to me,
One by One.
As you showed me their meaning,
My life had begun.

Color me red,
Of passion, of blood.
Show me the intensity,
Your love like a flood.

Color me orange,
Electric and fire.
To be with you truly,
Is the one thing I desire.

Color me yellow
Of sunshine so bright.
Keep me so warm,
And hide away the night.

Color me green,
Of natural beauty.
The forest could never match,
What you do to me.

Color me blue,
Of the ocean's high tide.
It's not as great as my love,
And not nearly as wide.

Color me purple,
Like flowers in the field.
This isn't a dream,
This time it's real.

In a world of black and grey,
Color seems so unreal.
It's like fantasy to me,
How you make me feel.

I'll paint you a picture,
To show what you've done.
No more black and white,
You gave me the sun.

-------------------------------------------

Dressed head to toe in army gear
He'd cut his hair and shaved his beard
He brushed the brown hair out of her face
For one more  time, he'd get her taste
He looked at her for one last time
Neither wanted to say goodbye
So he held her there as long as he could
Saying baby i'll be alright
It felt as if she couldn't let go
But how would she know
If her baby was safe and if he was okay.
So that night she got on her knees and prayed
God, up in heaven.
Keep him safe and let him know
I'll be here waiting wherever he goes.
Help me grow and stay strong
Help these years not seem so long
I'll be okay here all alone
Until time for him to come back home.
He wrote to her from different places
Saying after seeing all these faces
I wish one could be yours.
I'm holding out over here,
But one things sure, I miss you dear,
My arms feel empty cause
This gun can't replace you.
She wrote to him
Scribbled out in pen
The words I love you
Please come back home.
And she prayed,
God, up in heaven.
Keep him safe and let him know
I'll be here waiting wherever he goes.
Help me grow and stay strong
Help these years not seem so long
I'll be okay here all alone
Until time for him to come back home
Three years passed, living in letters,
She was all grown up and changed for the better
About to check the mail when a car pulled in
A roughed up boy in army green
She couldn't believe what she'd seen
After all these years, he'd come home.
She wrapped her arms around that man
Saying I'll never let you leave again
He said, doll, don't worry,
He smiled, pulled a ring out
Said, baby this is what love is about,
Will you be my wife?
She didn't even have to think
Eyes filled up with tears and her cheeks turned pink
Like out of a book,
Her dream came true.
She didn't ever know what to do
But she kissed his lips and yes
And as she walked down the aisle in her dress,
She knew that he was home to stay
But she still remembered those nights she'd prayed
God, up in heaven.
Keep him safe and let him know
I'll be here waiting wherever he goes.
Help me grow and stay strong
Help these years not seem so long
I'll be okay here all alone
Until time for him to come back home
My baby's come back home

_______________

"Daddy Why?"



Daddy, why'd you have to go.I sure would like to know Why you left mommy and me here alone.

Daddy why? Why'd you leave? Mommys on the floor crying And all I can do is grieve.

Daddy where'd you go?Won't you please tell me?Because that I don't know


Mommy wanted the pain to stop,Daddys racing time on the clock. Mommy wanted to be a better wife Now, Daddys fighting for his life.It makes me wonder where I stand,I just wish I could bring you home again.

Daddy, whats this I feel?I'm always sad, The pain is unreal.

Daddy, I know you hate it when I cry,But what do I do now?There's no one to wipe the tears from my eyes.

Daddy where are you?To find out I'd search the whole world through.


Mommy wanted the pain to stop,Daddys racing time on the clock. Mommy wanted to be a better wife Now, Daddys fighting for his life.It makes me wonder where I stand,I just wish I could bring you home again.

Daddy why? Eight years later I remember The day as I cry.

Daddy, is it true? Will you remember me?Cause I'll always remember you.


Mommy wanted the pain to stop,Daddys racing time on the clock. Mommy wanted to be a better wife Now, Daddys fighting for his life.It makes me wonder where I stand,I just wish I could bring you home again.

Mommys a glorified ******
With her 50 some year old married boyfriend
Favorite aunt is a stripper
Used to walk in on her shows
Daddy's a drug pusher
Gave me my fist high at 12
Granny's a kleptomaniac
Must be where I get it from
And it don't stop there
The show goes on
Drug addicts galore
To add plenty of drama
Then there's the snitch branch
Well to do Christians
My biological grandfather
Who says 14 is too old for his tastes
Plenty of violence
To keep things perked up
And everyone on their toes
Welcome, my friends, to the freak show.

Wishing for a safety net.
So many scary memories she hopes she'll forget.
________

Daddy's always working - never around.
When mommy's here: Shh! She dare not make an unpermitted sound.

All too often she wakes with a start.
BANG! "AH!" Like a defibrillator shocking her heart.

Bedroom door rebounds off the wall.
Under the covers she tries to crawl.

I mustn't move. Have to keep still.
Please leave. Please leave. She prays that she will.

"Where's Mommys' girl? Hmm? My little star?"
The sheets are slowly withdrawn.
"There you are!"
That tone of voice makes her wish that she was never born.

You get high to create a new reality of this **** you call life
You get money anyway you can because you need cash to fuel your addiction
You get angry because you get caught and your new found reality gets torn to pieces
You feel suffocated because the only way you know how to breathe is through smoke
You grow depressed because the only company you had was your broken thoughts
But sometimes it's not only you that gets affected
While you get high, the ones closest to you become confused
While you sell and steal, your little sister wonders why her mommys ring is in your drawer
While you get angry your mom gets scared because she just lost her little boy
While you  grow depressed your parents grow apart because they feel like they've failed
While you ruin your life
you ruin everyone else
you smash and break and scrape
and you bring every one down to where you are
because if you think your restless nights and paranoia is bad
think about what everyone else goes through
just so you can ease your pain with a temporary healer
your parents feel like failiers
your siblings feel so lost and unprotected
and you
you feel bad for yourself because you lost your high
because with withdrawal it brings selfishness
and you feel like you're going crazy
well try losing your mind
because you failed at the one job you had
just take a minute
look at it through something other than than self pity
use a new perspective
maybe just use some heart
because when you lost yourself
you lost everyone around you too
a.m.

In the middle of the night, when everyone is asleep,
I let myself cry, and I let myself think.

Daddys are suppose to remember when their daughters turn 13...14....and 15.

And Mommys aren't suppose to be sick and ill.

Best friends are suppose to be forever and never let you down.

Love is suppose to make you happy, not second guess everything.

And so, as I lie on my bed, in this dark, dark room,
I let myself cry, for all of my life's woes.

I try to be silent and not wake anyone up, but it's so hard, don't you know, when you're all choked up.

I want to cry myself a river.

I want to cry myself a river and float away.

Cry me a river and drown my sorrows with each tear that falls.

Drown myself in a River of Tears.

Hand me down children
breathe off borrowed air
born from slip ups
out of the womb they come
into the arms of guilty parents
and into this world of musical chairs
where everybody's fighting for a seat

too many kids?
or not enough chairs?

hand me down children have a way
of looking at the world
a little differently
they ask why and can take a beating
they admire the shades of their bruises
they are made of the same stuff as firecrackers
they know when they are being lied to
they even know why

Hand me down children will always find each other
and love each other
Hand me down children sat in the back
and couldn't spell too well
they did stupid dares and almost died frequently
they got socks for Christmas
and made them into puppets
they weren't scared of the dark
or at least that's what they say
they slice up the night like birthday cake
and pop tires to make swings
and the world is their playground
monkey bars of lead pipes
swings of driftwood
slides of cement, toppled building halfpipes
sidewalk chalk stolen from substitute teachers
Paper cranes made out of pink slips,
merri-go-round-abouts, bikes without brakes

Hand me down children play
in mommys old sweater
daddys old socks
brothers shoes
and sisters scarves
and they play after the flashlights burn out
and after the fireflies die in their jars

i wonder when my skin will feel safe and comfortable again
i know you don't want to be
in this small room that smells like
my grandmother's clothes
(she died five years ago, did you know?)
your hands are on me and we can go ahead and pretend it feels natural
we're kids playing at being grown ups
with mommys high-heels
they have you walking on hell and the shoes are much too big
for your little feet
and the boys, wearing their father's ties which are much too long
they've got daddy's guns too, in the trunk
they've got daddy's drinking habits too
and you've got your big sister's cigarettes
why do they call it seven minutes in heaven when
this feels much more like the
firey place they call hell
we're all smiling, we're all laughing
we're upside down and floating in the sky
asking ourselves why
because we're too shy to say these words
aloud
too high to say these words
underground
we can leave the closet now,
its been far past seven minutes

A little girl found a deck of cards
On her daddy's poker table.

She always knew how to make a home
Out of a gambler.

Her hands were steady as they were small
She built a tower, stories tall.
When daddy returned, it never fell.
The boys bet his chips around it.

We built this family with a house of cards
Steady hands and racing hearts.
We built this family with a house of cards.
Queen of hearts, two of cups.

Daddys a fool, played his part
Just half a step into the dark
When A little girl found a deck of cards
Sitting on her mommys altar.

Her hands were steady as they were small
She watched her house of cards grow.
When mommy returned to Tarot.
The cards had found themselves
a different owner.

We built this family with a house of cards
A good read, a bad hand.
We built this family with a house of cards.
The fool, The queen of hearts

The dealer busts, we grow old
A little girl can build a home.
With nothin' but two decks of cards
Shuffled all together

Little girl. Four years old.
Pretty dresses. Dry those tears
Time for pictures
Mommys little doll.
Pretty little doll
Gets attention now
Soak it up while you can
Looks are all that matter
In the "flashing room"
Sit still while I do your hair
Make up too
Don't you dare move

•••

Little girl. Five years old
Get down from that tree
Good girls don't get *****
No, don't play in the mud
**** you
go to your room

•••

Little girl, nine years old
Here's your cell phone,
Mommy won't be home today
Make sure your sister does her homework
And clean up from dinner
I made up bottles for your brother
Don't stay up too late

•••

Little girl, eleven years old
Too pretty for your own good
I'm your moms friend,
Trust me
It won't hurt,
Stay still
Be a good girl
Take those clothes off for me

•••

Little girl, twelve years old
You hold it like this
Now inhale,
Let the smoke fill your lungs
Hold it for a minute
Exhale
Doesn't that feel good?
Here, have a drink

grainy screens, box televisions
animated dreams, analog missions
black fingers, fixing antennas
blasphemous winners, street fighter bandannas
tiger knee, tiger knee
finish him, 2003
brush cut years, empty front teeth
peanut butter sandwiches, green backyards
fingers in the soil, counting each white star
lights by the gate, daddys black car
mommys macaroni, dinner by the black box.

- t.m

I can't be no more than three
To the circus, Barnum and Bailey
My blonde hair, a dress and big blue eyes
I am just as cute as I can be

My brother and sisters came too
My moms hands are full, what a zoo
Just so I won't get separated
Her soft, old brown coat I hold onto

The smells are all delicious here
Popcorn, cotton candy and good cheer
So many colors and sparkly things
I will get some later, it is clear

We take our seats I can barely see
On dads lap watching the menagerie
Elephants, lions, tigers and clowns!
So excited dad can hardly hold me

The music, drum beats and all the sound
The ladies on horseback ride around
The man on the trapeze soars very high
I'm sure he is miles up off the ground

We walk all the way up real big stairs
Past laughing people in their chairs
Hold onto that coat with all my might
I am having such fun, I have no cares

We bump and weave all thru the crowd
My mom and dad will be so proud
When I look up to see my mommys hair
It is grey! Wrong coat! I squeal aloud

Well I'll just have to find the car
Know they'll be there, it's not too far
The streets and parking lots are packed
I am lost and about to cry hard


I thought and searched and there it stood
My nice grandmas car, that's her hood
I waited for at least a year
Clown came by to help, he could

He took my hand in his huge glove
He dried my tears, thank God above
I missed my mom and dad....bad
Clown gave me ice cream filled with love

Over the loud speaker, announced my name
My frantic parents, on the run they came
Mom hugged me tight like she's never seen me
It was time to leave, what a **** shame

I can't stop seeing what I do
Rendering my thoughts insignificant is impossible
How cynical is my perspective
The little wrinkles stand out the most to me
But how I interpret them is the problem
I see the halo surrounded by flames
I see the serpent's tongue flicking in the clouds

I observe everyone's hurt
Who sees mine?
Who caresses my mind when I see Daddy drunk?
Who smiles at me when my eyes are swollen driving at midnight?
No one
People are too infatuated with themselves to see me
In my darkest hours of thoughts and constellations,
I see the people.
I can't stop seeing the people and their hurt.
My hand is always towards someone,
Yet there is none ****** towards me as I fall.
This is why the world is filled with hatred and pain.
It isn't the Daddys that are drunk or the Mommys that don't care.
It is the people that see the hurt and aren't there.
It is the people that can't care for the broken winged creature.
It is the people.

she loved
anything
that provided
an escape
from her life.
when she was 7,
it was
disney movies.
that is where
she learned
its not normal for
daddys to hit mommys.
when she was 11,
it was
books.
the ink,
staining her fingers
as well as her heart
and her mind.
that was where
she learned
that when she said
no,
he was supposed
to stop.
when she was 16,
it was drugs.
powder, needles, pills.
and that is where
she learned
the true meaning
of escape.
getting so
h i g h
she never
felt the
l o w s.
at 20,
though, she
confused
e s c a p e
with
d i s a p p e a r i n g

The Rainbow is melting and softly dripping on her back
Her thoughts smother in the dark
Sun is gone
The streets, still wet cause of past rain
Mommys words resound in long forgotten memories
"Rainbows arise when the sun kisses the rain"
But hell, there is no sun to kiss !

I wasn't strong, my knees were weakened by the addiction that feeds  my forsaken life..

To be a amazing person with the ability to overcome it and show the world I'm different then the rest...
To bad so sad I failed the test.

My addiction never fooled ANYONE
I had no idea how strong of a grasp it had on my soul, it took the innocence
And left a big hole.

To think I would  be just fine
That it wouldn't
been blawing my eyes out
Because I lost months of my life..

Disappeared in the blink of an eye..
Wrong of me to think that I would be an exception.

Now this battlefield in my life
A wrecking ball with cracking frames, writhing dreams,
Shattered hopes,
Devastated CRYS
And don't forget guilt ridden
Thoughts separated family
Children with unanswered questions
And fears that **** the soul
For I can't let them know
I chose to not try
And now..
2YEARS LATER I WANT TO SHOW THEM MOMMYS GONNA NOT FAIL
BUT TOO LATE ..
I BAILED
And failed my sweet babies sooo extremely much
---
A few thoughts of suicide entered my brain but that won't solve a thing

So I have 13 years I have to miss of the memories I can't have  but with time .

I can ensure my life will be on the right track
When their 18 with a head on their shoulders. . My chance to be the mother I was supposed  to be
Will be at my feet!

For now its only hopes in my dreams

When I was little and in a private school we memorized this verse one time. Something about how if you hate your brother than you can’t love god and so I refused to use the word hate. Not even when we were supposed to say it in the verse. Funny now, because I use it pretty often. I hate him and her and mostly me. I swore to never drink. Ya know. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and all, but I broke that too. Lots. And I kind of get why he does it. It’s like when you’re in a fog or on a **** ton of pills or you get tired of feeling nothing but one emotion and you just want to be different. My mom sat at the kitchen table one day with a knife against her arm and I remember never being more scared. No that’s a lie. I was more scared the day she wouldn't wake up. But I promised that I would never be like her. I’m not. But sometimes, I am. People are so fickle. We promise and we swear and we believe. But it’s so silly because those things we don’t know what we mean. We don’t see all the baseballs that life is throwing in our face and we know that those bumper stickers, “Be who you wanted to be five years ago” are terrifying, because that self would ******* hate us, but they wouldn't say the word hate and they wouldn't drown their not-hate in a bottle of beer and they wouldn't try so **** hard. It’s ridiculous. When I was little I knew lots. I knew that hate and beer and mean mommys were bad, but I didn't know that sometimes they were good. That sometimes they are liberating. And that maybe, my five-year ago-self would hate me, but I think my right-now-self would think my old me is a dumb naive *****.

the sleeper in the valley is haunting me,
what I should do I haven't.
I'm a junkyard full of false starts.

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the ***** streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,"

:Bought a book of Ginsberg:
:Thought it quite lonely:
:Found out socrates was a *******:

I fell asleep and was dreaming the subconscious dream,
The theorem was proven and I could breathe again.

I awoke to sirens,
nymphs,
and Orpheus standing over me.

I am a small bit of nothing, a Wes Anderson caricature,
a pre-printed, pre-made, pre-packaged archetype.

I bought guitar strings from a lovely woman,
I want everyone to hear me.
Hear me play Pitseleh.

I am quiet now,
I am soft and everyone hears me.
I don't want to say anything,
I want you to look at me and know.
I want you to see my eyes and know I am infinite.

I wake up again and I am sweating,
it was the night terror, the one I have

I was surrounded by intellectuals,
the poets and artists of our generation,
all second rate ******* doing it for the applause and their mommys, same **** that was always done, since ******* Homer, since ******* Shakespeare, since ******* Ruddy Rimbaud.

I keep shaking,

Something is coming after me and I know it.

Maybe it's all the women I looked at wrongly,
one's from the ***** pictures big brother sold me,

Maybe it's all the sucrose and caffeine i've been inserting.

Maybe it's the nothings that i forgot to do, and others did instead.

I am a ******.

I never ****** no one.

******* is stupid.

I am one of the ugliest men alive.

When the saint ended us I saw infinity.

Everything was you, in you, by you, for you, the ******* hours and hours of thought, the stupid lengthy and complicated memories where you were christmas and we were meeting the ocean, all pointless and lost to oblivion and I lost it right then and there in front of you, I sobbed and wanted to **** myself. Then you gave me a *******.