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May 9, 2012, 7:01:02 PM by ~OmegaWolfOfWinter
Journals / Personal




The rivers of winter ice had melted with spring sunshine's awakening and the noises of the forest announced the awakening of the fauna. a young fox stretched her long legs and fluffed up her tail as she yawned awake. this winter had been a lonely one for her, as she did not have a mate. throughout the winter she had felt the tingling feelings of her ****** urges creep between her legs and she moaned slightly as she felt them creeping there again.  she stepped slowly out of her den and took a cool breath of the spring air, bringing her the scents of the amorous flowers and the frolicking prey. she watched two birds in courting flight above har and she sighed at her loneliness. the fox hung her head low and walked softly forward. at some point she closed her eyes and yet kept walking, a few tears of longing falling from her eyes. the tingling urges grew stronger and she fought to keep them at bay. she kept walking a bit, aimlessly, though. she cried out as she stumbled over a heavy rock.
She tumbled into the nearby brook and felt a sharp stone cut her right hind leg. she clambered on to the bank, shivering and soaking wet with the chilled water. she attempted to stand and felt a fiery sting to her leg. she looked and saw a shallow **** marring her orange fur. "ow... ow..." she whimpered as she walked on. as the sun peaked over her, she felt her stomach's pleading for sustenance and she groaned. she could faintly smell a rabbit nearby and crouched low, going over how to stalk her prey. she sniffed for it and it seemed to be close, on the other side of a group of trees. she flanked around as best she could and spotted the furball. she licked her lips hungrily and pounced. the rabbit was dead in an instant as she tore its throat out. she chomped at it once and then felt a feeling of dread. she gulped once and heard a wolf growl nearby. i'm wounded... i can't avoid it now.
.
she thought. she heard the wolf running toward her and was bowled over by it. when she stopped
Rolling she was on her back. looking up at the wolf, a young grey, white chested wolf, at the beginning of his manhood. he snarled at his prey as she whimpered beneath him. then to her surprise, he sniffed at her and tilted his head, the tenseness of the hunt gone from his yellow eyes. the wolf took a step back and looked her up and down, stopping as he saw something. he spoke softly, almost caringly, "you are female... and in heat... i apologize for interrupting your meal."
the fox looked at him curiously, "You...?"
he glanced at her and finished her thought. "...do not harm females. it is a code of honor i choose to live by."
she sniffed at him, "you have no mate, no lover."
his breath caught. "nor do you, young fox, lest he'd be satiating your body's desires, and his as well."
she felt the tingling between her legs again and attempted to say something, but was stopped. the wolf said, "nor do i wish to take advantage of females either."
The fox replied suggestively, "you spared my life, surely theres some way i could repay you, handsome wolf."
the wolf looked at her, eyes dilated and his breathing rough. he shook his head, "no.. i couldnt. its not my place."
she could feel the urges burning inside her, she wanted to release them, she wanted this wolf to release her. "chivalrous, i see. then, dear wolf, alleviate my longing, my pain, and i shall alleviate your own."
the wolf took a step closer, his own longing feeding his fire. "beautiful fox... your offer intigues me... you- you are wounded..." she looked and saw her leg still bleeding. "let me aide you, dear fox." he took a few steps and lay beside her, licking her wound. with each lick, the pain receded and was replaced by a wave of pleasant ache. the bleeding stopped and he stopped licking, for the moment. he sniffed her, his cold nose brushing the swollen flesh, and as it quivered between her legs, he knew she was ready for him. "my den is close by, young fox."
She nuzzled against his chest and felt his heart pounding. she took his paw and pressed it against her own chest, letting him feel her heart. "you know we cant wait that long, here.. in this group of trees." she gestured to the spot a few feet away. the wolf quickly walked into the tangle of trees, followed by the fox. the wolf had hardly stepped inside the treeline before the fox began nudging at the furry bulge between his legs. "you're not quite ready yet, dear wolf." the wolf whimpered a few times as she licked at it, taking his smooth member in her mouth and enticing it with her tongue. once it was throbbing in its full glory, she licked one last time and said, "now you're ready." and raised herself in preparation for him. he got into position on top of her and with one paw she guided him inside her. she gasped as he stretched her a little. she glanced over her shoulder and
realized that he wasnt that much bigger than her. he looked nervous and she realized something,
This is his first time... mine too... lets make this memorable.. she experimented with different positions, and after finding her favorite, set about making this wolf howl.
the wolf ****** slowly at first, drawing out the ecstasy. only when she began to whimper amorously did he begin to ****** harder, faster. she joined him, as he pulled back, she leaned forward, leaving only his tip inside her. when he ******, she leaned back on him with a wet squish. the wolf's tongue lolled and his eyes were glazed over in sweet agony. he howled softly at first, and as the ****** came, he howled again, echoing with the fox's cries as the ecstasy reached its ****** and rocked their bodies. the wolf staggered slightly at the passionate waves of ******. he pulled out his member and looked at his mate. "come with me to my den, so we can sleep, dear fox." the fox looked at him and nodded, grateful.
* * *
The fox and the wolf walked quietly to his den, set inside a secluded cluster of trees. the den itself was set in the ground, like a cavern, just large enough for the two of them to lie down comfortably. "its going to get cold tonight," said the wolf. "we should... share body heat." he had a faint twinkle in his eyes as he glanced nervously at her. when she tilted her head to him, the wolf looked down at his paws. the fox licked his muzzle and laid down next to him. the wolf's grey fur was thick, and she was  already beginning to feel warmer. she felt the wolf's heart beat a little faster, and he curled around her. his furry tail wrapped around the fox and she purred slightly as she nuzzled him and rested her head on his foreleg. for a moment they lay there, eyes closed, listening to the others' breathing, when he whispered to her, "i never did catch your name, young fox."
she grinned at him, "my name's Sasha, the only fox in this forest. and what be your name, dear wolf?"
The wolf opened one eye slightly to look at her, "my name is Ronan, i'm the last wolf of my pack."
she held him in her gaze a few beats and replied, "i haven't seen many wolves 'round these parts, where do you come from, Ronan?"
the grey sighed and said, "Farther north, over the mountains and into ice country. the food became scarce and the pack withered away, all but me. i treveled over the hills and mountains, through forests and grassland, and i kept going, finally stopping here. what of you? you said yourself you were the only fox in this forest."
Sasha swished her tail back and forth for a moment before, "i was separated from my family during a blizzard. i- i couldn't see anything, and i couldn't hear anything over the wind. i wandered aimlessly in the whiteout, tripping and stumbling until i bumped into something big. then again, i was just a kit and everything was big to me, but i looked up and saw a pair of eyes looking at me. i was so scared the snow beneath me turned yellow.
The monster bent over and picked me up by the scruff of my neck and carried me for a long time. i was so exhausted i fell asleep in its grip. when i woke up i was in a chilly den. i looked and realized that the monster had been a snow-white she-wolf. she sat at the enterance to the den and kept looking outside, waiting for something. when the snowstorm cleared out, she turned to me and said, 'little fox. have you a family?' i shook my head as i realized they were gone. from then on, the wolf raised me and taught me how to survive. then one day a few years ago... she was gone..."
Ronan was watching the fox as she told the story. "i'm sorry."
"don't be, ronan. ever since she left ive been alone. no fox to breed me, no one for a lover. until you came along..."
ronan licked her muzzle, "no need for loneliness now." sasha smiled and was soon asleep, warmed by her lover.
*
The sun rose and shone brightly into the entrance of the den the next morning, waking sasha from her slumber. she yawned and felt around for the grey. she felt nothing. she stood up and looked around the empty den. did he... leave me? a single tear fell when she imagined the possibility. "no.... please no..." she whimpered. her breath caught as she heard something rustling the grass outside the den. sasha shrank back and hid behind her tail, peeking over it slightly. she could hear her heartbeat in her ears and feel it rising in her throat as the rustling got closer and closer. she squeaked, "who... who's there?"
she flinched as a dark mass blocked the sunlight, its shadow stretching across the wall. the mass stepped slowly forward and sasha shut her eyes tight, fearing what might come next. "sasha?" it was ronan. "what's the matter?"
she gasped at him before rushing forward and burying her muzzle in his chest fur. "i thought you'd left me..."
with a paw, ronan stroked the fur on her back. "i'm a wolf, ***. loyalty and chivalry are the only things i know." she buried herself deeper in his fur and scolded herself for not realizing that. "i caught breakfast, i figured you'd be hungry after i interrupted your meal yesterday." she looked behind him and saw a small pile of ****** rabbits. sasha licked her lips hungrily. "its all yours, dear fox." she looked gratefully at Ronan before pouncing on the pile of carcasses, tearing into one and bloodying her maw. ronan watched her with pleasant  affection. the den was filled with the sounds of flesh being rendered from bone and the snapping of Sasha's teeth. she feasted upon the **** until she could eat no more, her belly now filled. two rabbits still lay uneaten, and ronan devoured them slowly, savoring the ****** meat as it slipped down his gullet. sasha lay nuzzled up against him while he ate, toying at his tail and
otherwise teasing at him. he gave her a look of amusement and somehow got into a game of tag with her.
He chased her around the den and she dodged his paw as he reached for her. when he did finally touch her, sasha dove between his legs and poked his furry belly. leaving him with a dumbfounded expression on his face. he then chased sasha outside and they continued their game within the cluster of trees around them. sasha laughed, a liquid smooth, crystal clear laugh. ronan watched her jump around him, the sun's rays catching her fine orange fur in such a way that it seemed almost like fire. he watched her a moment and loosed a soft howl. she's so beautiful... he thought.
* *
SarahPea Aug 2015
My eyes only focus on surroundings, though you’re ten inches away  
Looking into my eyes, I can’t focus.
My speech is fumbled. It takes forever. Can you see? Waiting.  You’re looking at me as my body is filling with concrete.

My thoughts are unclear,
Hide the tenseness with laughter. It okay if there is laughter.
I can see myself where I want to be free.

I am wrapped in plastic, under my skin, tightening against my flesh.

I don’t feel my heartbeat,
I don’t feel myself breathing. I feel my joints, I feel myself reacting to connect. I will do anything to get out of this never ending emotional chamber.

I want to know you,
I know you are talking to me. I don’t know where my soul is. It feels trapped in my bloodstream, locked in my fingernails.  

An apathetic wave hits my entire body, the undertow pulls me and I can only feel my ears filling with mumbled conversation.  

Paralyzed by my imagination. My reality has pushed me  out of  my well being.
Two boxes of doughnuts and cake at the office. Deprived meaning

My thoughts are unclear,
Hide the tenseness with laughter, its how you’re free.
This has recently came out. I have turned 29 and feel as lost sometimes as I ever have.  I hope someone can relate.
Dennis Meeker Nov 2012
The pain. 
The agony. 
The tenseness of your body. 
The rage. 

Everything inside is burning. 
Everything raging inside. 
Everything out of control. 
Everything inside is chaos. 

Your body is mad. 
Your body is crazy. 
Your body is weak. 
Your body is terrified. 

To cry alone. 
To lay alone. 
To pray alone. 
To die alone. 

Rage going crazy. 
Rage is on fire. 
Rage is mad. 
Rage is taking over. 

Bliss is sweet. 
Bliss is perfect. 
Bliss is rare. 
Bliss is fleeting. 

Fear is hateful. 
Fear is terrible. 
Fear is common. 
Fear is there. 

Weakness taking over. 
Weakness fighting for you. 
Weakness dying inside you. 
Weakness is you. 

Fighting inside consumes you. 
Fighting outside loathes you. 
Fighting everywhere reaps you. 
Fighting is you. 

Failure isn't an option. 
Failure is a path. 
Failure is in us all. 
Failure is imminent. 

Leadership is in us all. 
Leadership is dangerous. 
Leadership is for a good soul. 
Leadership isn't meant for all. 

Goodness is a great thing. 
Goodness is an uncommon thing. 
Goodness is hard to find.  
Goodness is easy to make. 

Brokenness is my thing. 
Brokenness makes you stronger. 
Brokenness builds you up. 
Brokenness defines us all. 

Happiness is so amazing. 
Happiness makes us better. 
Happiness makes us wake up. 
Happiness is all we need. 

Love is a wondrous being. 
Love is only a rarity. 
Love will fill your soul with goodness. 
Love can make the worst the best. 

For us all we shall be happy. 
We will all be respectful. 
We will all be happy. 
We will all fail. 

The key is to accept some defeats. 
The key is to be all you can be. 
The key is to disperse from bad. 
The key is to embrace the greatness.
I’ve ordered and carried my steaming cup of brown to my table to ignore the falling snow beyond the walls of this box.
My clothes are wrong, my hair as well.
I just cut it, and everyone knows which mistakes I made.
A man sneezes and the song changes.
Better not make eye contact with anyone; I am not in their league, here at the muddy spoon cafe.
Chewing so loudly in the de-creeping silence,
these safe, polite, quiet ones.
I am the creep here. I am different.
My thighs are tense.
Hunching over the paper, arms tense and clutching  a gnarled red pen--
It’s probably self-indulgent to even sign my name.
Someone’s shuffling cards.
I almost forgot.
The awkwardness I’m filled with breathes out a short sigh when I realize
--my part’s over.
“Do you know Sanskrit? Do you know what that is?”
A woman asks another.
I want to choke on the pretension
The tenseness, I adjust my leg to relieve pressure on my ankle.
Why can’t I just enjoy the snow? That’s all I really came here for-- well, and the coffee.
I hear a woman cough with an unaffected tenor, which would convey her gender to an interested party but to me carries no intonation.
I wonder if the girl I recognize from class thinks I’m following her.
I came here for coffee, sweetheart!
Is it yet too hot for me to dare a drink?
I can see it, the steam, rising out of the corner of my eye.
I haven’t looked away from my hand in twenty minutes.
“Who am I?” they may be asking myself for me.
I don’t have a clue.
They can think about that problem
for themselves
while they’re lonely
in their forties.
I’m lonely now and I hope not to live
that long.
Here, we pretend not to see each other’s faces
in the gleaming presence of steaming cups.
“I don’t want to wonder about that.”
I realize there’s nothing I even deem worth writing down.
MMXII
Kyla Mae Pliskie Feb 2012
Nothing but the truth, is to be expected
You haven't sensed the silence like I've felt it
The moment's gone
But we still hold on
Leaving our efforts ineffective
Defenseless
We managed to ignore all this tenseness
And i stressed it...
This event; we promised we wouldn't mention
On the battlefield alone
Though, haven't you learned your lesson?
Afraid to let go
The memories resting so deep in our souls
Sometimes, sometimes
All that's left is goodbye.
The current political mood in Kenya is sombre and tense given the manner in which the former prime minster Raila Odinga is pushing for mass action destined to be held on 7th July of this year; 2014.He has labeled this day as saba saba day, in memory of former democratic struggles that were held on a similar date in the past by the then leaders like Martin shikuku, Masinde Muliro, Charlese Rubia and Keneth Matiba, just but to mention a few. The spirit of this political move has been inculcated into Odinga motivation during his holiday trip in America in the past three months. And the entire globalectics is eked on Raila’s personal advantages that Kenya and America has had soared relations because of Kenya’s substantial business dealings with China.
Tenseness of political feelings that are overtly observed in sombre moods of some Kenyans is based on the fresh memories of similar political behavior displayed by the same Raila Odinga in a few years before post election violence that erupted after 2007 elections. By inference,   Raila has nothing very critical that he wants to solve for Kenyans but he is only   aiming at execution of a very simple Machiavellian logic; He wants to use the mass actions to provoke international sympathy for himself as at the same time he anchors himself for the next presidential race which is barely three years to come.
It is a fact that there are some teething problems of political policy in Kenya. Like inferiority of the judiciary, biasness of the electoral institutions, insecurity, joblessness and tribalism as well as political cronyinsm.But these are usual features of politics in a developing country. They are the same things that Raila Odinga and Carol Omondi used as tools of maintaining power when the former was the prime minster and the later his aide de camp.
Effective solution to any  failures in public policy or even dysfunction in the public institution  is  usually what President Uhuru Kenyatta suggested; gentle dialogue by political representatives over a cup of tea, a class of wine , a tumbler of water or even a bottle of tusker not necessary raucous and  Arab spring like violent politicking at Kasarani grounds or Uhuru park. Raila only wants to misuse the poor masses in Kenya, the masses that are already infiltrated with deep sense of tribalism, to pile pressure on the incumbent government for his future political advantages that will go with presidential bidding. This is not reasonable.
Raila Odinga has a unique political psychology. Let me term it extra-masculinity. He has always portrayed a political signal that when he is not in power then there is no democracy in kenya.He is like Coriolanus and John Falstaff of Shakespeare. Thus by premise Raila Odinga suffers from a weakness in political thinking which can logically be branded political falstaffity. This is so when we subjectively analyze his public political behavior  in relation to Moi, Wamalwa, and Kibaki. And is still so when we soberly recognize some institutional success president Uhuru Kenya has registered during his two years as a president of Kenya. Uhuru has scored hundred percent on devolution, availability and open governance. He has already displayed promising efforts when it comes to infrastructural investiments.This is a kind the president that needs to be mentored through genuine support and criticism other than mudslinging him in every public rally  attended by masses on heat of ethnic political consciousness.
My present and tangible reason for this position is that already businessmen of kikuyu and kalenjin origin who of-course belong to Uhuru Kenyatta’s bandwagon are  now not travelling to kisumu, similarly Luos belonging  to Raila’s camp are not free in Eldoret town and Naivasha. Obviously business activities will also close on saba saba day of July 7th and as a matter of fact some people will suscetain mayhem, looted or even loose their lives. All these will happen because Raila Odinga has not seen a more reasonable way of carrying out national dialogue.


(Alexander k Opicho
Eldoret, Kenya).
DaSH the Hopeful Feb 2016
I keep waiting for a punchline to a joke told before I was born
           When everyone had their *own
problems.
     Some of them I inherited
                But not happily
  
       I can hear echoes even now, the build up, the relaxed but uneasy tenseness before the drop of the curtain, the reveal.....
      And then,
                                  nothing.

          **Cricke­ts.
Hal Loyd Denton Jul 2013
Eleanor stepped from the rear platform of the caboose as they were sidelined to let a freight
Pass she mused how she loved freight trains how romantic they were the gust of night air from the
Passing train that and the sound the train made was intoxicating she too was a piece of heaven she only
Had a blanket wrapped around her body just above her breast her blonde hair was wet it had deep
Comb lines she presented the highest qualities of womanhood freshness innocence a wild freedom a
Tenderness her face expressed a look of longing a yearning the call that commanded wonder she picked
Up the natural richness from the golden sunset as they traveled west the silver stream that was wide in
The river they ran alongside for many miles this night it had been her bathing pool bemusement and
Wistfulness came from her eyes and played on her face there to was a sadness a mystery that spoke of
Pain she was travelling with a music troupe on the cheap she stated to stroll in the dark up the length of
The train first she encountered the only Spanish man in the group he was setting with his back against
The train on the rail at first quiet and thoughtful was his tune you visualized walking down the dark quiet
Street of a Spanish village then he increased with a fastness you could hear Olay the scene quickly
Changed to the famed bull fight in the great arena he played slow and softly making you feel the
Tenseness as the great Matador faced the great beast the first pass was letter perfect the grace the cape
Moved in a half circle then he spoke Toro the bull charged but in the blink of an eye the Matador saw
The bull turn his head with those massive horns it caught him in the side and then the terror of a human
Doll being tossed and stomped the cadence of the guitar told it all the day would go to the bull glory and
Honor would go to the dead Matador she continued to walk as the guitar sound faded only to be picked
Up by the sound of a rich trumpet it pierced the sweet night the distant pine seemed to sway in
Appreciation the lone Coyote not to be out done howled his plaintive cry to the magnetic moon the
Expanse of the dark southwest night was the fulfilling and telling of the tale many ghost rose that night
Native American people always on the move in their nomadic way the wild mustang were real they
Stood grazing in the lush grass just across the river Eleanor with her rich creamy skin seemed as a dream
Passing between them made perfection call out from a night train
Deep Oct 2018
Occasionally, I seek Sanctuary
In a place where the Life Force glows.
No rush, no clock faces; with time just a gentle flow in space,
Time to nurture, heal and grow,
In a place where the Life Force glows.

Occasionally, I seek Sanctuary
In a place where I lose my ego.
Listening to make my body loose,
Releasing feelings, space for growth,
Uncoiling my body and energising my core,
Brings awareness to tenseness that serves me no more.

In a community, I seek Sanctuary
Where gentle open people flow,
Authentic, selfless, caring folk with hearts as precious as gold.
Shaking off trauma and sharing universal truths,
Clearing our monkey brains ancestoral wounds.
Vibrationally protected.  And intensely connected.
In a place where the Life Force glows.
EJ Aghassi Jan 2015
the vibe became unmanageable
I had to step outside

and when my tenseness was
met with motherly dark
the shouting became
muffled whispers

oh, beautiful night
you know not of
vanity or pride

or senseless need
to assert
intelligence

you just are,
as you have been:

immensely more
profound, than
all that we have been
or will do

it's as simple as that

I take a drag of
my cigarette & smoke
mixes with the
enlightened night air

& the mindless
shouting becomes song
fickle things, human beings
Marissa Kohlman Oct 2014
All day I watch the horrors of modern life come screaming in on four wheels with lights flashing
    “Code Blue, ER, Room 6!”
    “Code Blue, ER, Room 6!”
I drive home exhausted
Spacing out to familiar tunes as the wind blows my hair away from my face
Letting the emotional baggage of the work day slip out the window into the night air
    But still
That tenseness in the shoulders remains.

Then I walk in the door
And two pairs of eyes
    Both the same shade of rusty brown
And two smiles
One toothless
The other filled with perfect shining white teeth
    Both glowing with love
Greet me.

This is who I do it for.

I kiss one chubby little cheek
    I kiss one set of waiting lips
And my shoulders relax.
To my family: my remedy and my purpose, for you I will do anything.  Who needs wine when you have baby kisses?
Jaye Bennett Apr 2011
Quick pace across the room
Worry spreads angry lines from eye to eye
Jaw tight, eyes intense, hands clenched
Like a lioness about to unleash furry

Heartfelt pain from times before, nonexistent
Swept by the strongest of tides, absorbed by love
Distantly follows via lines on a page, words scattered
Like a grenade, explosive, unheeded yet written

Reasons of physical tenseness are valid
A portion of life is falling to the ground
Yet life finds a strong one, as a Tulip Tree
Roots spreading deep watered by love

Breathe child rest in the unfailing arms
Concerns are known by the Maker of Heaven
For times such as this you were born
Like a flower midst a tramped battle field

Grow unmoving through storms and fear
Changing times and shaken souls you heed not
Like a house build the very foundation of the earth
Shall your soul be upon the Father’s Word
softcomponent Oct 2013
if i meant nothing to you the w
indows are not my friends and
the wind hits me my response i
s always 'ow! so who was i to
begin with? broken, disgusted
with this man made tragedy c
alled * l i f e * and who was i to
begin with? holden caulfield or
dead, perhaps, or said as you s
peak of me in past tense and i
speak of you with tenseness of
the neuron you are always smi
ling in my mind and you are al
ways smiling for someone else a
nd you never cry for me and as y
ou fade in the physical you becom
e the ghost inside of me haunting
every waking moment and dream
s. and dreams, for godsakes, drea
ms. i was never your other half bu
t you were mine - and i am looking o
utwards for solutions because the insi
de has been lampooned scorched eart
h history no longer eats me alive, you
are not dead - but you are not alive i
nside my head - you simply gaze and
smile and i know that smile is not for
me - he thrusts his throbbing **** ba
ck inside and you forget me with ever
y heaving breath and every successful
****** - i map the categories of a boo
kstore and the crevasses of my mind on
ly to find you with every corner turned
and every door i open.
i, the collapse
Nicole May 2017
She climbed out of the window to her bedroom and into the cool night sky. Dressed in black ripped jeans and a dark colored hoodie, so she dissolves into the darkness.
A case of Corona in her hand, she jumps the few feet to the ground. Her knees bend to soften the harsh landing. She stands back up to her full height, though it isn’t that tall.
Her hood, covers her face so that she is a mystery.
The night time accepts her with open arms, understanding that she needs to be unknown for the time being to be her true self.
She stalks away from her ‘home’. Her sharp, rushed movements standing out against the white walls. Then she breaks off into a run, wanting to get away as fast as she can, not being able to stand being close any longer. She runs to her night time escape, laying down in the middle of the field underneath the leafless tree.
She looks up at the stars, wondering who each one was.
What kind of souls turn into stars when their time on earth is up?
She lets the hope that she is one of those souls slip into her mind just this time. But for only a moment, before pushing it away.
Her experience with hope has shown her that it only brings pain and heartbreak.
She reaches over to the 6-pack and takes a bottle out, sitting up. It settles into her hand like it has been destined to since it’s creation, comfortable between her fingers. She takes the bottle opener out of her left pocket and brings it to the lips of the bottle. The top pops off in one fluid motion, the practice she’s had making it as easy as breathing. She brings the rim to her chapped angry red lips, then tilts it up quickly, taking a short sweet sip of the poison ambrosia.
It tickles as it slides smoothly down her throat. She lets a small content sigh slip out and be taken away in the breeze. At home, that is how she feels sitting underneath that tree.
The stars are her shelter and the field is her bed, soft and welcoming, the tree, an old friend. Here she lets the tears run freely down her face. The salt water mixing with the bitter taste of alcohol.
She’s screaming, wailing.
Asking the universe why she hates herself so much, why they don’t want her. Why can’t he love her the way she loves him? Why can’t she already be dead? Maybe then he would realize just how much she meant to him, how much he meant to her.
As she lets this fire slip from her throat, she doesn’t notice the boy dressed in blue on the other side of the field. She doesn’t realize she isn’t alone until he is sitting next to her with one hand grasping hers.
She startles when his skin comes in contact with hers. Then she looks at him, his blue eyes, blue face, blue heart, blue soul, unsure if he can be let into her secret home. He sees her hesitate, so he brings her hand to his lips and whispers his secrets into her skin.
The tenseness in her shoulders is released and she squeezes his hand tightly. They are both on a mission to escape the lives they live.
Both have minds burdened with memories and bodies littered with scars. Running from the demons in their homes.
She reaches over to the cardboard keeper of sins and plucks another bottle from its grasp. She takes the opener and rips the top from the bottle’s lips, handing it to the Blue Boy.
He takes it with the hand not wrapped in hers and brings it to his lips quickly. Tilting it back, he downs the whole bottle. He sets the empty bottle back into the cardboard as its poison takes effect.
Then he’s stumbling to his feet and dragging her with him, towards the forest standing menacingly behind them.
She runs after him, feet not quite touching the ground and laughter hanging in their air. Engulfed in darkness under the canopy, they giggle and whisper secrets of death.
Without the stars to see by, they fall into a rabbit hole. Spiraling down to their private Wonderland, where there is no home for them and the Mad Hatter is their friend.
They can run through clouds and save each other from the demons under their beds.
Their bruises scream, convicting the guilty and their memories wail in relief from them.
But Alice couldn’t stay in her Wonderland, so neither can they. Waking from their dream, back underneath the tree, weeping at the loss of the make believe and forced to go back to reality, where their demons have them in a choke hold and the guilty hide behind atrocious lies.
L Apr 2016
Hello, Thomas.


The night is waiting for you.


The gatekeeper scans the clothes decorating your figure.
The doors are opening.

Are you ready?

Here you are.
the music floods into you,
washing over you like a wave of colors you’ve never seen before-
rushing past you before you can examine them-
simultaneously melting away
and ripping god knows what away from you.
The experience feels new every time.
It’s a good feeling.
Breathe, and walk in.

This universe is tangled in stardust, in lights and movement.
The ground you walk on invisible,
existing only in vibrations,

mechanical pulse.

The place is littered with sounds- faint and drowning-
of hard breathing, occasional quiet moaning.
(Although they are felt more than they are heard.)
The scent of two hundred and fifty six sweating bodies,
all kinds of different smoke
and liquor;
not so much intoxicating as it is calming.

It’s full tonight.

The air spirals into you- fresh, clear, thin.
Sharp, but never painful;
your lungs full of the scented energy.
Faintly bitter, but never losing that distinct fruity essence.
Ah.
That’s what it is- forbidden fruit.
Toxic and irresistibly sweet.
Your teeth sink effortlessly into the soft surface,
it’s laughing on your tongue.

Candy-laced acid.
Stinging love bite.
Sweet poison,
like a slow french kiss tangled in the need for more.

You walk.

Your body brushes against worn leather,
warm skin.
You make your way through the bodies that feel more like a single entity than separate people (or people at all),
alive only through energy.
Hivemind of young souls.

(You move so slowly…
drink it in.)

If there is a god,
it exists in the body of the human.
As an unexplored force
corrupting the man-made man,
reverting them to pairs of hands that kiss the ground shamelessly,
to bodies that speak through groans and whimpers.
Primal angels.

If there is a god,
it is in this room tonight.

Where are you now?
Where have your slow steps taken you?

Ah.

A throne stands before you,
a familiar image.
The king is another tonight,
but the role of a spectator is almost equally as satisfying.

King.” you think. “Ruler, but not of the people.

He needs no servants
and your eyes are the only ones drinking in his figure,
as the others are too deep in trance, eyes glazed.
Dead, but with the essence of the living.
You observe them for a moment.

They are not bodies anymore- their souls having inhaled the life out of anything you can touch in a human.
You swear you can almost see through them,
the lights kissing, pressing the surface of their ghostly forms.
They’ve probably already been here for hours- unraveling,
evaporating into divine steam.

And what of the king?

He seems rather uninterested, or perhaps some combination of focused and relaxed.
He doesn’t move much. It’s a strange contrast, but not too strange-
it feels right, as though the young man, so unapologetic in his sole state of being,
makes the subtle nodding of his head appropriate, despite the violent nature of the beat.

The music is powerful, steady, reminiscent of your own passionate concentration when the throne is yours.
He’s a handsome fellow.
You chuckle at the thought, maybe you should stop staring now.

Oh.

Eye contact.


For an excruciatingly long moment, neither of you can tear your gaze away- (you are, after all, the only observer- this was inevitable.)
eyes locked on a stranger, reality submerged in the thick liquid that is this knot of sudden, unnamed emotions.
You are unsure if the pounding in your ears is the music or your heart that has leaped into your throat.

He turns his head slowly, still unable to tear himself away, trying to break free form your accidental and- completely unintentional- spell.
He manages to do so (it wasn’t easy),
fixating on the machine before him, his cheeks slightly flushed now.
The expression on his face unchanging.
(You don’t know it, but you’ve cursed him.)

Well, that was interesting.

What a powerful spectator you must be, to distract a king in such a way.

He hunches over the machine, cradling it with his chest and shoulders.
His left hand presses his left ear- the messenger whispering secrets to him;
the sounds that are to come.
He twists knobs with his right hand, clearing the path for the next song.
The track blends with the fading beat and becomes another.
Worlds colliding,
realities woven into one another.

Your shoulders drop,
the tenseness melting away with the melody encased in this secret universe you’ve entered tonight.

“Mmh…”

The music starts to get a hold of you.
You are beginning to submit to it’s voice, it’s demanding pleas.
It begs to be let into your body, to possess and consume you.
You are allowing it to drink away your free will.
There is little left.
You aren’t new to this- but again- it truly is a fresh experience every time.
And how intimate, the vibrations that seem to stroke, caress…
the sampled melodies who’s home you now hear being foreign to them– ‘till they become entwined,
one with their new world, through the love of the people.
And how strange, you think- to come from one universe, but belong in another.

You close your eyes, everything you are coiling around the music now,
and accept that this- here-
is the universe you belong in.

The room disappears along with your body.
Sensation and soul make up all you are.
The king has been observing you quietly,
he’s taken interest in you.

The more you move, the less aware he becomes of his hanging jaw.
His lips are parted only slightly, but his curiosity is evident.
You are impressing him.
The contrast between what he sees now and what he saw in your eyes just a moment ago-
it’s fascinating- how human you were, how familiar- a face in a crowd.
Yet now, how unrestrained, how pure and animalistic you’ve become.
He lets out a huff- eye brows knit together- in what seems like frustration.
He blinks a few times, his expression quickly changing to something like a half-worried look
that is secretly sheer ****** pleasure.
You are unraveling before him.

Thomas,
he’s found God in your movements.

Something of you now belongs to him,
but he doesn’t try to take it, and you don’t consciously give it.
It is a silent, intimate exchange you’ve unknowingly taken part of.

How untamed, what you’ve become.

You smile
as you feel yourself let go of everything you once were,
making it possible for the universe to do with you what it pleases.
You don’t know it, but in this state, the universe is not the only one able to take you,
touch and taste you,
breathe the language of sound into the crook of your neck.
Anyone can.
Anyone watching, that is.

Who’s watching you, Thomas?

It starts off small, like a perfect tasting cigarette, a pleasurable breath-
but soon becomes an overwhelming addiction
wrapped in the fear of having to stop.
You’ve unknowingly given yourself to the king.
He’s unwrapping you like a child dying to know what his christmas gift is,
so desperately and so quickly, that he hasn’t been able to register the event yet
and this translates to a breathless, low moan escaping his lips along with half of his soul
as he watches you, still too shocked by the foreign emotions to manage paying attention to anything
but the gracefully savage mystery before him.

His eyes are on you
and you are not consciously lending yourself to anyone willing to take you,
but here you are, shamelessly exposing yourself without showing an inch of skin.
Similar to the ghosts surrounding you,
save for the fluidity of your movements distinguishing you from the crowd.

His thoughts grow hotter the more your hips sway,
the questions melting into more intimate ones the deeper he goes:
What’s under your shirt?
What would it feel like, to have his hands there? Palming at your chest?
Is your skin warm right now?
Is it sensitive, Thomas?
Are you sensitive?
What shade of red paints your skin when too flustered to speak?
When you’re moaning a boy’s name?
And what would his name sound like
sliding down your tongue, dripping down your chin?
What sounds crawl up your throat when being crushed by repressed desire
like the kind crushing him right now?

Something like pure hatred forces his chest to tighten.
He’s secretly blaming you for the chaos banging the walls of his brain,
yet no part of him wants this to stop.
What he feels is some mixture of hatred and barely contained inhuman lust.
He’s panting now.
Christ, what have you done to the poor man?
You bare your teeth, as if sensing the king’s needy breaths.
You wear a look that he’s seen in lovers who chant his name in bed.
**** it.
The image is too sweet to ignore.

He is suddenly reminded of an old girlfriend.
She was so shy, always hesitant,
but that made the night they had spent together special, sweeter.
She had stripped, baring herself for the king,
all for him, all by herself.

(In a whisper, the words lick up your jaw-)
Just like you, Thomas.

“You’re such a ****; you’re so easy.” he’d whisper, commenting on how she had been waiting for him all day,
just so she could have him breathing commands into her,
making a barely coherent mess out of the girl.
(***** talk was reserved for special people, the times he’d speak during *** were rare, and words like those were to be considered a treasure.)
You are nearly as exposed as she.

…****…
he mouthes, not referring to old girlfriends anymore.
He wants you.

The eyes that have been tugging at your clothes, stealing you,
they blink twice,
what seems like interrupting confusion painted on the king’s face.
His head lowers in shame of admitting his desires,
but soon rises to resume watching his new reason to visit this haven.

It’s somewhat amusing-
you are so lost in ecstasy, you’ve yet to notice him
devouring your image,
silently storing the material you’ve provided him with;
celluloid images that steal the breath from his lungs.

The song is ending. His set is done.
That’s enough.” he thinks, finally breathing,
trying to convince himself that he’s chosen to stop this behavior out of his own free will.
His face turns a lovely shade of pink, the embarrassment sinking in.
He cannot quite understand what’s happened, or how, for you were merely
a pair of eyes that locked on his for a little too long.
He wouldn’t doubt the idea that he’s been possessed, or cursed (or both)
had he been taught to be superstitious at all.
He’s just a stranger…” thinks the king,
“king” no longer a suitable word for what the blushing boy has become.

As if on cue, another is ready to take his place.
It’s time to give up the throne, let another rule the night.
Packing his tools, he remembers your image and tries spotting you in the sea of dancers.
(They’re much more human now, becoming less transparent and more grounded in reality.)
He doesn’t find you.
Where have you gone to?

“…oui…ah- merci.”

You sit on a stool, back facing the swimming lights.
You were thirsty.
The cold inhabiting the glass is transferring to your palm.
The liquid hugs three ice cubes,
it’s only purpose being to coat your throat in something other than saliva.
(You don’t understand why your throat feels dry, what, is saliva not wet? Ugh.)
You fixate on the glass, stroking it slowly with your thumb.

At this angle, there is not enough light entering the glass to truly appreciate the color of the drink.
The lights pound on your back, like waves crashing on rock.
Your body casts a shadow directly over the glass.
The color and shade of it’s contents are a mystery to all but you;

Gold.

It looks lovely when kissed by sunlight,
although the times you’ve had this drink in broad daylight are few.
You have fonder, clearer memories of the liquid glistening under the moonlight, or drowning under muffled lights
like now.

You feel a sense of power over everyone there for a moment-
the lights, ever changing, hide the liquid’s true form;
it becoming a myth, shrouded in doubt.
At times it appears champagne pink.
Laurel green.
Dull, dying vermilion.
Mustard yellow bleeding into a powder blue.
It’s true beauty is a secret nobody in this universe knows of.

Indeed, Thomas.
Tonight, you are the only one who knows the beauty of gold.

An image comes to mind, sudden and powerful-
eyes of the king.
The thought pulls the breath out of you, your lungs empty for a moment.
You inhale shakily, shuddering at the feeling, but loving the memory.
Left. Right.
No one saw that. Good.

…Black and gold.
This sea of darkness, space.
Empty, soundless, but only when lost enough-
enveloped in the crowded, booming universe.

“Mm…”

In that brief encounter, something happened.
You can’t understand it,
but this doesn’t bother you in the slightest.
He was shining, you think, like the only star in a sea of black,
visible to none but you,
the only observer, his only spectator.
(The effects of the drink are settling in now,
the warmth nestling in your chest.
Loose and easy.)

Golden King.

Ruler of the night, star of your world.
Treasure, glistening with sweat.
Your treasure. Your secret. Yours.

“Mine…”

You don’t stop caressing the glass, it being held up in your left hand now, elbow resting on the counter.
You stare straight ahead, through the wall, into nothing, completely lost in thought.
Eyelids lowered in a confident, relaxed look.

Silver smile.
Gleaming, blooming before him.

What are you?- the words are silent in his mind
and he mouthes them without quite realizing it. (The movement is too subtle to notice.)
The king is seated next to you- wide-eyed- no doubt in some initial attempt to speak to you.
Mind-reading powers would be wonderful right now.
He doesn’t know what’s being unveiled before him, but it’s quite a sight-
you are unfolding into something he cannot fully appreciate, your thoughts a mystery to him.

Oh…
The shirt you’re wearing has short sleeves- a little too short.
Short and tight. It’s almost too small on you,
but no.
It only gives the boy a chance to better appreciate your skin.
(He doesn’t remember seeing you like this. There’s a jacket on your lap,
he assumes you took it off when you finished your… display.)
Soft skin.
He looks back at you, (deciding that your skin is not you- there’s more to you and he wants to see that.) your eyes.
Still lost in thought, still a mystery.
A warmth settles in him, a familiar feeling that’s usually induced by watching children play.
Hidden. Pleasantly amusing, delicate.

Delicate.
Beautiful, but in secret.
Moon flower, blooming only in the dead of night,
in it’s own private world.
He is not a part of that world right now,
but this makes your image all the more beautiful.

Distracting thoughts aside, the king truly does enjoy your current display (he almost thinks back to your other display from earlier,
and doesn’t, deciding this is much better).
It’s as if you’ve found the secret to stay forever young, he thinks
and remembers your dancing, what you became.

Divine steam.
The god in you evaporating into the bitter-sweet air.
Precious, eternal for tonight, young.
Forever lost in heaven’s labyrinth.

He hadn’t noticed, but you were speaking. To the bartender, most likely.
You turn and

oh-
oh god.
You’ve found each other.
He had forgotten that was a possibility.

(Golden star.
Silver lips.)

That’s him– that’s the king.
The very same you so confidently claimed as yours a few moments ago.
Did you say it aloud? Does he know?
It was just a fantasy, you think- trying to explain to him- to you- trying to convince someone that it’s not what it looks like.
You forget he can’t hear your thoughts, they bleed into the world and you actually begin speaking, trying to explain that no, christ, you don’t think he’s “yours” in any way.

“I–”

You don’t notice the absurdity of what you’re trying to do right now,
but nothing else comes out.
You are both simply lost in each other, speechless, shocked.
Someone has to breathe, and it’s him who does so first,
being the more lucid one right now.

“Is… is that real leather?”

What?

Your jacket, Thomas. He’s talking about your jacket.

Oh.

“Um… yeah.” You look down at it plainly, not sure of what exactly is happening right now,
then back at him.

There is an awkward pause, broken by a statement that can only be even more awkward,
or not. It’s soothing somehow, you think.

“I play here fridays and sundays at this same hour.”
He speaks holding his breath,
lest he drown in the moment.

Another pause.

“I’d…”
pause.
“like to see you again.”

You’
========================

notes:



-Congratulations, you just read [human]Daft Punk fanfiction.


-Guy-manuel (yes, the gold robot) is the "king".

-Here is the summary I wrote from my original post on tumblr:
*[In which Thomas enters a club and has an intense(ly awkward) encounter with tonight’s dj.
Mostly sfw. Extremely suggestive at times, if anything.
Bitter sweet smells, good dancing and lewd thoughts, old girlfriends, gold-colored drinks and delicate moon flowers.
It gradually gets better as you read.
This is my first ever fic, please be gentle.]*

-No, that title is not entirely french, or spanish, or any language.
It’s a mix of the two.
Secrette and Estrelle  are words I made up (I’m aware these words are a thing already but let’s pretend they’re not because I didn’t look into that much anyways) which would mean “secret” and “star”.
French/spanish pronunciation, so it would be “seh-kret” and “es-trell”, french-sounding r’s.

The title, translated, would be “Secret Universe, Star of Gold”.

-I have been going through the biggest life changes ever right now and I have grown more than I ever have (or have seen anyone grow) in just one month. It took almost 2 weeks to write this and a lot happened in those two weeks. I gradually became more comfortable with myself and what I was writing and I think you can see that in the fic.
That means that what you just read could be considered the embodiment of my personal growth, of my progress from being too anxious, terrified and dissociated to state my needs and desires, to being the strongest I have ever been, deciding that if I’m to stay where I am, I am going to grow ‘till I break this fishbowl that has always been too small for me and as a result has kept me small.
By the end of this fic, I had already decided that I would break the glass.

-I'm posting this here because whythehellnot but I should really put this somewhere where it will actually be /seen/
so hmu if you know a good place to put fics because I am new to this.
Neal Emanuelson Feb 2015
She sat by the creek underneath the bridge, flicking nearby pebbles and watching them roll into the water. It wasn't so quiet for her with the crickets and the water flowing, but between them both there was world of silence. And that’s what took her breath away- did he really ask her to be here? Right now, at this time, at this exact moment? She could only contemplate what his reason was, but she had hope it was for all the reasons she wanted.
He stood shy of the nearest light post, hidden in darkness save the faint outline of his profile. He wasn't so surprised at being there, but he was surprised that she was there. He could already feel the tenseness surrounding her, enveloping her like quicksand, and he didn't know whether to save her from it or just let her sink alone. He wasn't even sure why she was here, not to mention why he came at all on such short notice. Such an important matter that couldn't be discussed over the phone… right, as if that was really so believable.
Plink
Another pebble scampered down the uneven ***** and fell to its watery doom in the water. It must've been the seventh or so pebble send to rock hell- he should know, he’d had been counting in silence… well, silently. Tired of the quiet (and standing), he sighed deeply as he summed up his resolve to approach her. Almost without a word, he could feel her concentrated sight on him, watching every step that he made until he came into view. Sitting down next to her, he picked up a pebble and rolled it between his fingers, shortly tossing it in the water. A successful end to the peace, he thought to himself.
Plink
They came out here at the request of both of their friends… a clever ruse to get them to see each other without letting they know the reason behind it. Ah, those clever friends, waiting to hear the juicy details of exactly what happened at the bridge this night. Well, it wouldn't be much if this was how it was going to be. Either way, those friends would be meeting their early demise as soon as these two could escape the gravitational pull of embarrassment they had locked their orbit around.
They sat, fidgeting about for a few minutes, tossing more pebbles into the creek. No eye contact, just enough movement to grab a pebble and flick a finger forward. Minutes would have felt like an hour to any spectator, boring them to sleep… until an accidental movement from both parties.
Quick reflexes and **** reactions initiated themselves involuntarily. This wasn't an accidental meeting anymore- it was a strategic battle between two parties ready for an all-out lust war. The intense energy of the stares between them was near atomically ******- the passionate force behind it plowing itself into the massive platform of icy silence they fought upon.
He steadied his gaze on her, eyes fixated on her cheeks flushing red in the low light as her eyes met with his. She wasn't in control anymore; her eyes darted from his eyes to his lips and back again, heat rising from her chest like magma under pressure. He felt his nervousness fade into something else… something more carnal and more focused on her touch and scent. Almost as if directed by primal instincts, his eyes turned to her lips… plump, pink, and glowing- as if coated with kerosene and lit on fire.
It was the jump off of the cliff, the trains on a collision course, the launch of the torpedoes, the moment the President of Hearts had smashed the glass cover that encased the launch button for the **** Day missile and the coordinates were set for that very bridge out of all the bridges in the world.
And within that moment of hesitation, it was all over. His hand slipped on some loose gravel and he ended up falling forward, head-butting her on the forehead. The two reeled back in pain for a few minutes, until they started to giggle to themselves. And that giggle grew into a loud chuckle and evolved into a ferocious uproar between them. As they calmed down and wiped away the tears of laughter, a flashlight was suddenly shown on them.
“Hey, what are you two doing down there? Get out from there now,” the police officer said with a stern voice.
They followed his command and came up to meet the officer, apologizing profusely as if they just went full-on Bonnie & Clyde. The officer just smiled and gestured for them to calm down.
“You’re not in any trouble; it’s just dangerous to be out here so late. So just take your girlfriend home and make sure her parents aren't worried, alright?”
“…. b-but she’s-… yes, sir,” he said, stopping himself from continuing. “I’ll take my girlfriend home right now.
She blushed even more as she felt the warm grip of his hand pulling her softly forward and squeezed back gently. She followed him as he walked, even though their homes were in the other direction.
Kaitlyn Johnson Mar 2010
we sit; we wait
for one of us to break
this silence in the midst
of our chatter filled fits
this may sound outragious
but our feelings are contagious
and we are stuck going over
every dirt covered bolder
known as an obstacle of travel

we talk; we take
every breath we make
seems to cause tenseness
in our teenage census
words collapsed with desire
like an anaerobic fire
just waiting for some replies
on why our hearts seem to cry-out for a touch
for a feeling we want to clutch
and our minds no longer repent
for free the souls of the innocent
PK Wakefield Nov 2013
the world fits most easily in rain between
the close thighs of light
eking just slenderly

one ephemeral rill of ****
penetrating
to eagerly spill
dawn.

                 (the though world
                   in rain fits just
                   in just the loose tenseness
                   of muscle unbounding
                   from bone, wide
                   )with
                    a sliver
                                of
                            neat

                     ssenlriG
Chapstick Nov 2019
My head spins like your fingers in my hair
I'm stuck with a tenseness in my stomach as your lips work around my body
I stare at your face
And trace your eyes with my mind
Leaving me to wish I was what you need
Vry old
Francie Lynch Feb 2015
I stook in naked thought
Beneath the waterfall spout,
With the quiet roar
Cascading over my ears,
And the hot water
Massaging the tenseness
Away from my deep thoughts,
When one swam to the front
About Three Parent Babies.
The procedure is reproduceable,
And the bio-ethics is someone else's concern
Who knows more than me.

I am concerned about the
33% better chance we have
To ****-up the kid
Before age thirteen.
British Parliament just passed a law allowing for the third parent to donate DNA mitochondria to the egg. Crack!
feet–dance–bounty–when–it–is
your–engine–that–sings–nondescript
music–shadows–left–wrung–out–of
drunk–in–dense–marshes–of–life;
your–gyrations–foretell–my–weight
as–in–the–home–of–verses—
strophe–by–strophe–endless–is–its
undulation–stamping—imaginations
two–fold–in–flounder—

it—is–like–you–are–deep–in–the–grass
and–the–wind–slurs–summer's–penitence.
    with–your–eyes–purely–the–tenseness
  of–days–like–dance–and–stillness
     meeting–at–the–edge–of–silence.
Experimenting on something I have mulled over: hyphen poems. The hyphens are not for eccentricity, thus their placeness endears continuity and a certain pursuit of the oncoming word.
Kate Feb 2013
Can you feel them?
The thoughts in my head?
Some where between then and there.
I lost it.
That feeling of ease.
This tenseness is tearing me apart.
Do know my secrets?
Have you figured it out?
My feelings for you are
No longer just self doubt



And then I look into your eyes.
And I see.
You know. You’ve caught the glances.
Those looks that have lingered to long.
And I know.
That the lightness is gone,
In its place, is this terrible Apprehension.
This feeling I can’t comprehend.
These Long silences,
That stretch forever.
The words stifled by my unease.
Only broken by our parting.
I see the relief on your face,
Glad that the awkwardness is gone.
But that awkwardness is controlling my life.
My heart is lost in the quiet,
Till nothing is left,
But mere static of what we were.
old poem about an old crush
t Feb 2017
the memory is foggy, but it’s there
I used to think I had dreamt it;
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smelled of alcohol
the images were so distant that they almost felt unreal

my therapist used to ask me if I was sure it really happened
and to be fair, I wasn’t
but why would a ten year old imagine something so twisted?
and why would the thought of my own dreams make my stomach sick?

I spent years wondering what really happened
and I finally know it was real
because whenever I replay the events I remember
I am back
I can feel the cold air on my skin and the tenseness in my muscles
his voice telling me to come closer
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smells of alcohol
my dreams have never made me feel this way
Arcassin B Jan 2016
By Arcassin Burnham

Excuse the tenseness in me,
Your just not the one that understands,
That I could be a better man than
He ever was,
Appalled at your love,  it's a drug,
And I'm ready for it,
Have to get along with the man from above,
So that he could bless us,
For this engagement,
I'm so lucky,  I'm so lucky baby,
To stare into a pair of eyes like yours,
I'm happy that I could get the chance to explore what ever wonders you have,
Watching the doves cry with these situations,
Writing love notes to you was my occupation,
All the times of being laughed at and misused,
Sometimes I wish I had a fully automatic gun that I could use,
But to you,
I was just someone you loved,  nothing more,
No telling what would happen if I walked out of this door,
No spoilers,
No happiness,
No fun,
No clarity,
I'm done.
http://arcassin.blogspot.com/2016/01/into-eyes.html
Kate Feb 2013
Can you feel them?
The thoughts in my head?
Some where between then and there.
I lost it.
That feeling of ease.
This tenseness is tearing me apart.
Do know my secrets?
Have you figured it out?
My feelings for you are
No longer just self doubt



And then I look into your eyes.
And I see.
You know. You’ve caught the glances.
Those looks that have lingered to long.
And I know.
That the lightness is gone,
In its place, is this terrible Apprehension.
This feeling I can’t comprehend.
These Long silences,
That stretch forever.
The words stifled by my unease.
Only broken by our parting.
I see the relief on your face,
Glad that the awkwardness is gone.
But that awkwardness is controlling my life.
My heart is lost in the quiet,
Till nothing is left,
But mere static of what we were.
old poem about an old crush
(20 minute poetry)

11am
tube is jacked
packed to the rafters
no sound of laughter

only the dismal wails as
we go down the rails
on the trail we have travelled
before.

I'm stood in the aisle
surrounded
by a perch full
of people
a pike load of tenseness
that waits to explode.

jeez
this road keeps on
getting  tougher
Why should I suffer it?
why not opt out of it?

But I am bound to it
a dog in the pound to it
gnawing away
as it too
gnaws at me

one day I'll be free of it
if only to sit and spit or
whittle some wood
into pegs.

Legs are giving me
gyp
tripped over the case on the floor

did I give that person what for

ha
she took not a blind bit of notice

and just flew into the seat
I was eying
she being firty years younger than I

I want to cry.

Is a vote no a no vote or a vote to remain,
I leave her with that note
hangin'
Christina Hale Mar 2018
Three words uttered
Soft yet bellow
I relinquish into your radiant smile and eye shine
You shout out so I follow you now
My love can’t suffice when I’m so cold and down

For the torture you put me through
What my heart had to go through just being around you
You get an eternity of my everlasting tortured soul

I remember back when I first met you and around the time I was really getting to know you
I thought then, these feelings are just gonna get stronger
Well and they did
And I warned you that you shouldn’t tease a leech like me unless you want me always hanging on
I’ve been waiting here what seems like forever, holding on for a “bi” potential breakthrough
But you held your ground, until this very day straight is what you still proclaim is true
But when I’m gone will you hold on and remember me through all the gifts, poems, and dedicated love songs
The anxiety you intensified,  I claim temporary insanity
Now I’m capable of doing anything
So now I’m coming back undead
Avenging my wounded soul
Taking back the disenchanted life I lead
Taking back the heart you stole

Are connection got a little deeper and I became opened but still we never got that far
Leaving me with apprehensive yet lecherous thoughts all through the nights
But this time around I won’t let the temporary insanity thing **** me now
I gotta find a way to desensitize somehow
Because I’m still feeling like how I felt when I was alive
And I know you and I would never be
So just my lonely, wounded, undead soul remains

And you said the most beautiful thing to me and it eased my pain, semi-healed my wounds
Sometimes it’s just the things you say to me, it was like you saw me, saw through to me
And I’m a sucker for you
And it’s okay that you’re mean to me
And it’s okay that you take advantage of my generosity
And it’s okay that you ignore me some days just as long as you see me when you’re finished going through whatever it was you were going through
And how this passion and love is my everlasting suicide
Because I needed to coincide with my desire to end my emotional pain that seemed to never end
And it wasn’t like some stunt for attention
Just an expression of extreme distress that needed to be addressed
But now coinciding and annihilating an undead soul might be so hard to do
Or maybe not because it’s no fun having these feelings for you
The anger and jealousy
It’s running through all over inside of me
Because I’m just so ******* empty
Sometimes in things I could just lose myself
Even lose myself deep within you
Especially when were connected, you're focused, aware, and for me so there
But just like that, you’re gone
And I have to move on
But not without the intensified anxiety and temporary insanity

I will avenge my soul with every ******* breath and word, a painful story will be told
I’m coming back undead
Avenging my wounded soul
Taking back the disenchanted life I lead
Taking back the heart you stole
This ditch you put me in
I don’t think was deep enough
Well I’m coming out right now
You’re running out of love for me
When I go I just hope you will remember me
Because living was the hardest part
But in the end our deep connection and everything else just falls apart
Oh, I just wanted to be with you
The ******* torture I put myself through
But when I go I just hope you will remember me
Because living was so hard to do
But even when I’m not here my soul would be there to be your savior
Because within our shortcoming my pilfered heart was indebted to you and so pure
When I go will you forget to remember me
I lost my fear of negligence which had caused me great sadness, loneliness, and tenseness
Because it’s so rare unconditional acceptance
And when more distressed I’m empty and depersonalized
Now suddenly realized, I just need to desensitize
Because no one ever sees the soul inside, always worried about the ******* outside
People could be so ******* materialized
But for our shortcoming, you saw through
So for that just know that no matter what, my soul will be with you
Will be with you
Cassie Jun 2021
Maybe I can be the girl you want me to be

If I always get a chance to fall asleep after you so I get a chance to cry and comfort myself if I need to

If you look away long enough for me to sneak a chill pill

If you can accept my tenseness because I'm too afraid to shake in front of you

If you can take me slowly changing, losing my kindness and softness

To cater to your calloused heart

And probably, all of this would still not be enough
I left 2 days ago because this relationship was eating me up, at least the way it was going, but I'm absolutely ******* heartbroken. I can't stop sobbing and thinking I was wrong or too sensitive. I told him what would hurt me and he would say I'm too sensitive, or say he had every right to be frustrated at me, but I was working my **** off to make sure he's okay and happy. And then he'd lash out on me when he was stressed. And somehow would make it seem like if only I did "x" he wouldn't be as stressed. But even when I get that thing accomplished, it's onto the next issue with me. I feel not good enough a lot of the time when I'm with him. I wish my heart understood this is what I need to do.
Ken Pepiton Apr 2022
Upright, bipedal, con-fi, see, come saw
I saw thee under the mulberry tree,
when the wind stirred
the upper branchings
one who strives with truth in life's wild way,
rests - while watching, waiting for next
if I may, the past-tenseness of guiled, is guilt.
Hold no shame, having to do, and suffering so
painless, once used, patience always workd.
No guile, we waited for the point to go. Dotdotdot
-speak of that daemon and who should appear,
the daysman on duty, Mercutio's nearkin,
- was he one told to come and see?
a stranger in whom is no trick,
a confident man, selling his wares, for worth
to the buyer made ware by chance, lost in thought.

Something seems off when a person
knows with whom he agrees,
but I do not, ah, poorer in knowledge accrual, am I

So I, learn if I am as well agreeable,
does this trek into familiar detail seem allusive,
or useful, universal,
state of un-been-guiled, once too many times.
Bogus Science, and Ponzi Economics,
we climbed the dung hill, and found it comfy, warm.
- some sense from bovine ilk, Rumi-nated
- clover over rye, a pre-ference, cud-wise.
- The after taste, time to think,
- why do we use so many nursing cattle?
- What have we become, now that we can
- drink dead milk.
-back to the quest for a we for today-

Frankfurt determines that ******* is speech intended to persuade without regard for truth. The liar cares about the truth and attempts to hide it; the bullshitter doesn't care if what they say is true or false, but cares only whether the listener is persuaded.[1]

From <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_Bullshit>

Where I was reared, nobody tells you
of a tattoo
on their back,
beneath covering clothes.
- but now, the layer of cool, coming on
- after all psy-sci-psi sense converged
Some folks do, for some unspoken reason,
- see, I wish you could see raw me, the art.
- forcing me to keep this skin.
- Possesion first, first right to claim, I know.
- BTDT- an imp experiencing samsara for me.
now, where were we, like like likest…
A person is presenting purpose,
proposing we have lost our links
to recovered tattoos - meaning hidden
not on your face, intending to make you see
Salience, a leaping roe, perhaps, saying see me,
perhaps saying I can leap the hedge row,
or it seems
so so salient, as if coming to attention,
tuned to the whole, boom
- lackachuma-fuma
salience the word is said again, by the fellow
with the deeply meaningful ta-toos
- a silly syllable enabling- bling
to which my attention attracts, salience
catches my at- tension, hooks me,
pulls me in, gnosis whispers know me,
deceive your grip,
accept my hand co-mand-astory manual labor,
I snap my fingers, we
receive my salient happenstance

fool me once, sell me an invisible tattoo,

a tool used to mean something,
meaning- full fashion affectations,
- as when a law is fulfilled -
put it there, where ladies show their spots.

Imagine we know it means something
distracting to the winds in- twisting my senses
sh, shush
shushing soothing, as might a 4-H kid,
nurse a stolen calf, and learn the price of knowing.
Live and learn, grands in a country school.
Rj Sep 2014
The girl you saw today
Softly humming a tune
Tapping her fingers upon her desk
Eyes flitting around the room
Crooked yet white smile
With a nose she thinks is too fat
Taking in everything quietly
Wishing she was wearing a hat
Shoulders slightly slumped
From trying to hide the fact
That her feminine chest
Is about as flat as her back
Her hair is short and choppy
She has a tenseness about her
She's uncomfortable with her body
That girl you saw in the hall today
Only wanted to be friends
But being the opposite gender
That puts things to an end
You couldn't be friends with her,
After all she is a she
That girl you saw around today
I can say that was me.
Illuminae Xscar Aug 2016
I feel tenseness in my body
i break my own bones, rip my tendons
burn myself, going to rehab tomorrow
I will miss your subversiveness
and don't understand what occurred
I think you will regret what happened
I do
The smoke curls away from the wreckage
Broken glances of affection.

You loved me once
TS Aug 2017
How is it that I feel numbness and such pain all at once?

I feel the tears welling in my eyes but they never break through. I feel the pressure, the weight on my chest but tenseness all over my body. I feel angry, hurt, sad, and nothing all at the same time.

I can't focus on anything, I am debilitated. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't be.

— The End —