I am acutely aware that I
changed tenses in that story.
It is better for me in past tense;
his face was beautiful.
I know that he will not
talk to me. Not until
his time frame has come out.
I don't know what that frame is.
But I know him,
and that there is one.
I still love him.
It defies what I know
about the love mechanism.
It defies my past experience.
It is not unlikely that we
will not speak again
until I am over him,
and it is possible that
that will be never.
To you, nothing has ever felt as wrong as this.
You woke up next to a warm body,
But it wasn't her,
So you're still alone.
Your regret is heavier than your tired eyelids and breaking heart.
You hurt her but she was here to stay.
So why is she now not a permanent fixture to your dimming light?
Every corner you turn in this boxy apartment peeks a memory of her.
Lingering scents are now so much more valued than her lingering hands were,
When you had her.
She was always so much more afraid of getting hurt than she was afraid of loving you.
You knew it.
She knew it.
She managed to do both so perfectly anyway.
She did everything so perfectly.
She wasn't the girl first noticed in a crowd,
Her laughter was loud, obnoxious, contagious.
Her nose crinkled in all of the rightfully wrong places.
She never failed to give affection.
It was inevitable that affections would be returned.
She wasn't tall,
You never cared.
She was radiant.
She had you before you even knew she had you.
You loved her without knowing it,
Unfortunately the biggest downfall of us all.
You never made her the good while it lasts kind of thing.
She was good always.
She tried to make it last.
She loved you so completely,
For some reason it took her leaving for you to realize how wonderful she was at doing that.
Loving you completely.
You were never able to recognize the things you felt for her until she was gone.
but yet she is everywhere,
and you cannot seem to fathom how it comes to be that way.
But you know that she is gone.
You are lonely.
Everything has changed.
You can't fix the things you've broken.
You can't get back the love you've lost.
You were the daughter of good intentions
The queen of innocence
you shake the leaves from your hair
You haven't gone anywhere
You are the daughter of broken promises
The queen of masquerade
you wish the basement wasn't so dark
You try to think of a last remark
You will become the daughter of pity
The queen of melancholy
you will realize the leaves were your crown
You will plant your feet in the ground
Turn the corner
Looking down the iron sights I see an object fall
"Tango down" I call over the radio
what was his name? Tango, Threat, Terrorist, doesn't matter.
Mud brick wall vaporized into dust
Out of breathe
Does it have kids? A Family? Threat eliminated
Round the corner
"Three tangos on west building roof top"
Bullets from my brothers whiz by my helmet
Sweat drenched face fogs up my goggles
Brick pieces pummel my back
Ears ringing, faintly hearing
"Alpha down, Medic!"
Blurred vision, equilibrium thrown off
Raise my rifle
"Medic!" heard faintly
"Are you okay?" sounds distant
"babe?" getting louder
Sheets heavy with sweat
"Babe, are you ok?"
Throwing the blankets I jump back to the edge of the bed
Her frightened face
I've seen before
I look down
Same look, no tangos
revoke balance at will,
devoid of warning.
(An epiphany in the wings)
Immortalized in past tenses