Purple patches coving your completely swollen cheeks.
Gums conquering your teeth.
Bruises all over you arms.
You walk into class, and all goes quiet.
Then comes the incessant laughter.
After they calm, and you sit down, embarrassed completely.
The whispers, the giggles, the pointing, you cannot handle it.
You run out of the room and dash out of the school.
You run all the way home,
and as soon as you reach your bedroom, you drop to the floor,
screams and sobs flooding your household.
Of course, the kids would laugh. I'm ugly, I'm different, I'm disgusting.
And I've been cursed with Leukemia.
old school rap,
you always tried to tell me and i couldn't listen until you were gone.
sunny open window naked romping music
moving forward from your empty body music
pale skin but not as pale as yours
when i met this new
, he said
it's time for new songs
something to mark this page with
but i just keep rereading your obituary
I've felt the pain, I've held it in my hands.
I've wished it all away, I've prayed for life and death.
I've caressed the bruising, the bleeding, the burning inside.
Sometimes I wish for dying, other I'd give anything to feel alive.
Breathing in becomes a chore, is there something wrong with not wanting to be in pain anymore?
Leukiemia. You are the monster under my bed. You're the evil voices that echo in my head. You're the scraped knee that just won't heal, the love I cannot feel.
You've torn me down. You've made me question my faith. But there's something you didn't know, you've also made me better. You've made me stronger. To feel the pain of a human being is a motherfucking honor! You try to destroy me, inside and out, one strike, two strike, I'm out. What you don't know leukemia, is I have no plans to let you win, you entered my body when I didn't want to let you in, but I'll fight until you're out, every day if I must. Remission isn't an option. It's a must.
When I saw you in your casket, it brought tears to my eyes.
You died two years ago today on the thirteenth day of July.
When the doctors said that your illness was terminal, I didn't want to believe that it was true.
But sadly, they were correct and two years ago today, we lost you.
From 1975 to 2010 you worked at Woodcraft, you worked with lumber.
People may think that I'm crazy because I believe that 13 is an unlucky number.
You died on the thirteenth year of the century and also on the thirteenth day of July.
You took Chemotherapy treatments for months and two years ago today, you died.
A huge kinda toothy smile...
A smile that fills her eyes with light
-a light that shines through everyone around her.
A smile that says,
"I live my life shamelessly
A smile that says,
"You can throw anything in my way, but you'll never beat down my
A smile that says,
"I appreciate all that I have
& do not dwell on what I don't."
It's that real, honest
kinda genuine smile
that does not conceal her problems...
It conquers them.
A smile that blames no one for its frowns.
A smile that makes us all smile
just thinking about it.
A smile that always stays with me
even now that its gone to a better place...
A more deserving home.
I have cancer, but that's not what I want to talk about.
Nor do I want to talk about the cold bouncing in
from the sliding glass door of the lobby. (The lst
floor lights give off deceptive warmth.)
I don't want to talk about hospitals, or illness for
that matter because, truthfully, its become a game
of things I'd rather not discuss.
If you have an imagination, you get it.
I don't want to talk about the thirty day hospital intervals,
or the way my heart turns seeing my mother watch her son
soldier through. I can be brave and not feel like talking.
Because why talk when I have you here, next to me, smiling.
it’s been a couple of years
since you left me and completely departed
but the agony and grief is still there
unruffled with the memories we shared
i still remember the time
when we were very much happy together
when you courted me for almost a year
i wish you’re still here to wipe away my tears
it’s been a couple of years
and your fragment and portion still linger
reminds me of your features
your eyes, nose, lips and soft hands and fingers
remember the time you told me
"i’m willing to wait for you.”
i was really glad to hear that from your lips
those words still make my heart melt and hurt a bit
but my favourite memory of you
was when your first day at the hospital
you gave me a ring and told me that we’re engaged
sixteen and fourteen, so young, yet so in love
but through the idyllic and blissful moments we had
are the numbered days remaining for us
i was so terrified that you might leave
but anyway, you did. You left me indeed
i still recall what happened before that night
we had a misunderstanding and had a small fight
i didn’t talk to you for hours
and the next thing i knew, you’re gone
How could that happen? So sudden
you were stuck within those white four walls
upholding the strength, pale and barely breathing
your heartbeat eventually stopped
from that moment, i knew that you’re leaving
How could that happen? So sudden
like a glass of water that accidentally fell
like a wind blew out a lit candle in the dark
like a piece of poem that come to its end
like my favourite song has suddenly stopped
Everything ended all of a sudden
i was badly hurt inside and out
full of remorse and misery and anguish
you shouldn’t have waited for me
it was a waste of time, you see.
Life sucks, yes?
but hey, it’s been a couple of years
since that tragedy happened, uh-oh
i wish i had the chance to say
those three precious words before you go
in a week, i’m about to visit you again
i’m moving on and I have a lot of stories to tell
about me, my new friends, and some updates about my life
there, i’ll tell you those words and say so long and goodbye
My dear friend, I know it’s been some time now, but it seems just like yesterday,
when I held your trembling hand so tight.
You still cross my mind all the time and I smile, even though tears are burning my bloodshot eyes and my lips are starting to shake.
And my throat is sore from all the screaming and I can’t say a word anymore.
How come, I became so weak and minuscule?
I don’t know, but your departure broke me, my sad and lonely friend.
One moment you were there next to me, smiling, laughing, and your beautiful eyes sparkling filled with the beauty of innocence and youth.
The next one you were gone, behind grey dreary walls of hospital, pale, weak and with pain and suffering on that lovely face.
Oh my friend, I’d give it all just to see you again, feel you again or hear you again.
Instead I only have faded memories of you and me, and dusty framed pictures keeping our once existing smiles and jokes.
My weird crooked smile is still there, but after everything I’m not so sure about yours.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t change anything, that I couldn’t help you when you fell into the arms of that lurking demon, that cruel illness called leukemia.
I can not describe how bitter I am since that day.
My whole world came crumbling down, breaking walls that were not that high, crushing everything I have ever known.
My desperate screams and tears couldn’t change a thing; we could only hope that you will survive and that we will hear again that divine laughter of yours.
Oh my friend, you were only fifteen, you haven’t even tasted craziness and beauty of your young life. That is probably the thing that broke everyone; you were just a child, facing cold death.
Now when I think about it, I’m not really sure if you were just my friend.
There was something about you I never felt before. Of course I was too young and foolish but you can’t say that to this pure heart that’s pumping my blood.
It sang such cheerful melodies in your presence; it was pounding in a way, for me still unknown. Now my friend, I’m not sure anymore what have you been to me.
Less than a friend certainly not, but were you something more?
I believe that you were my first love, even though I never had a chance to kiss those galaxy lips and look deeply into those starry eyes, green but freckled with ocean blue.
But I will always remember you and things we did together, and every touch of your hand that made me melt inside. Our jokes and games and pranks we did to your twin brother. This tragedy would probably be less sad if I was the only one who lost you. You were a brother and a son and everyone loved you because of the positive energy you brought to life no matter where you were. Watching your life passing in a blink of an eye is terrifying. I’m sure that you deserve so much more my love, if I can call you that now. You were too good and I’m so sorry that you didn’t get your chance to fight and to see all the beauty of this world upon us. I think of you every day. And every time I wish you were here.
Call me crazy, lunatic or not able to let go, but I made a promise that day in the hospital. I promised you on your deathbed that I will live for you, that everything I do I’ll do it for myself but you too. You knew your ending will not be so happy, even if they did everything they could. I remember looking into your eyes and feeling sad, they were not sparkling and playfully looking at mine. Your eyes were absent, just like your soul, they looked grey and cold. With last atoms of your strength you whispered quietly, like you were telling a big secret. Oh I remember those words so clearly. Of course I’m not going to write them here, then our secret will be gone. But you said you loved me and told me to stay strong, that you’ll be watching me from the sky full of stars, whole day and whole night, or something along those lines. I still try to see you among the sun rays and twinkling stars, and even if I don’t see you I know you’re there. And your presence means so much to me. I’m so sorry I was never brave enough to tell you how I truly felt. I feel guilty, but hope you maybe knew something or felt something similar. After years and years, your brother told me that you really cared about me, that I was important to you. I do not care in which way, I’m just happy that you talked about me with him. And I’m so glad I met you, because you changed my whole world. You changed who I am. I just hope that one day I’ll find someone as pure as you, someone full of inside beauty and secret meanings behind his words, with eyes just like yours, with no evil in them. I hope for better days, when I’ll stop missing you, but I’m not so sure that is possible. I will always miss you my friend, crush or lover, I will always keep looking for you my missing puzzle piece. I will love you forever. Your death can't change anything I ever felt towards you, I will always keep memories of you in my heart and my head. So goodbye my lovely friend.
I wish I had leukemia,
because then at least
I could explain
while I'm always so tired,
and sick, and moody.
And no one would say
"She's not even trying to get better."
or "She did this to herself."
it would be CANCER.
And then I could die
and people would just cry
instead of saying things like
"She didn't even ask for help."
or "It wasn't even that bad."
At least if I had leukemia
I would be allowed to hurt
and maybe I wouldn't feel
like such shit about it.