4 days ago      4 days ago

Your entire existence was a cruel joke

that your parents concocted while

you were in the womb

only to tell you, in your later years,

just how bleak and insignificant you truly are

and were always - to them.

4 days ago

I'm very peculiar
in the sense that I enjoy company
although I never really initiate it

I enjoy love
but I never really procure another's interest

I have a way of embodying the sand as lovers, friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers have a way of embodying the ocean. Coming around to kiss me, or capture me, or acknowledge my existence, ever so often.

But I never have the energy or the power to make anyone stay for very long or at all for that matter.

I'm a wilting leaf
Oct 16

I'm a wilting leaf
Trying to cling onto a tree;
Who took care of me,
Who loved me so dearly.

I'm a wilting leaf
So fragile and indecisive;
Whether or not to hold on
Or detach myself from you.

I'm a wilting leaf
Unworthy of your space;
Other flowers could bloom
If only I'd be gone.

I'm a wilting leaf
Release me, let me fall;
'Til I crumble into pieces
And get consumed by dirt.

4 days ago

love me like the heroin you shove desperately into your already swollen veins every night

4 days ago

Kiss me 'till I'm dizzy

    make me feel as if I drank the whole bottle

4 days ago

i wish i allowed other people close enough to touch me

not just my body

but the forlorn veins that pump blood effortlessly into the organs and body parts that make me whole
the parts of me that nobody sees like the moon i stay half hidden
half asleep

i've lost sight of where i want to be again
and i hate that whenever i meet someone new
i can't help but think of how you'd approve of them

it's like your voice plays in the back of my head like a record on repeat that i'm too lazy to flip over or change altogether

it's not that i miss you
i miss who i was before you

and i think with losing you
i lost her too

4 days ago

I don't know if it's the whiskey or the cigarettes or the one night stands or the phony lovers phoning you for self affirmation that they too - can fuck like a professional star on a cheap website.

I don't know if everything I've ever been told was only a regurgitation of everything someone else has ever been told. If we all function solely through heresy and political agendas.

Blood stains on freshly lit cigarettes, they say those'll kill you - but I'm already dead inside.

Starve myself because the scale hates me
                       because the models in the magazines are what my lover fancies
                        because every photograph I've seen within the past several years were of girls resembling holocaust victims - who most likely suffered in the same way that most of those victims have. But only in the sense that, they themselves were the German Nazis malnourishing their Jewish bodies of food.

How awful it must feel, to embody both the Nazi and the Jewish girl. But I've never actually read Anne Frank's memoir - so what the fuck do I know.

If I were skinnier, if I were prettier, if I were smarter, if I read more non fiction and russian literature - if I listened to radio talk shows about politics and found scifi equally as enjoyable as I find raunchy cult classics that make up the subculture stereotype.

       Would I then, capture your attention?

I've already lost my own, truthfully. But everything is only temporary anyways.

4 days ago

I decided I would kill myself the night I was coming down from a high dose of adderall and my boyfriend was dead asleep

It was the bitter realization that this too was a pitiful reflection of my life and how it would always be. Me, regardless of how "fulfilled" or surrounded by people that exceeded the expectations of check lists, your mother slowly marked off as conversation droned on the first time you took your bow home to meet the parent(s).

You will always be entirely alone.
Nothing is ever going to amount to anything, because we as a whole are an anthill that is doomed to be knocked over by the first grader with the light up sneakers.

We are all a conglomerate waste of living organisms which seek to destroy as much as "humanly possible.."

In the end there is nothing good that will come but the inevitable death that is bound to follow.

None of us are important.

None of us are significant.

We came here alone, and will leave as an even lonelier/petrified version of ourselves.

Me personally, I would like it to be homicide. Something of the Black Dahlia sort.
You see, nothing is more praised in this pitiful existence than a young pretty girl with her body found entirely sawed into two halves.

I don't think it bothers me anymore, the idea of being alone.
I don't feel the disappointment anymore. I don't allow myself to get my hopes up -- because I know that nothing ever comes of that.

I think I just wish that I lived a different life
Perhaps taking up a different life form, altogether.

I would like to be something as meaningless as the human race.
Perhaps an ant. I've always had the desire to build monuments and watch them be torn down in a matter of seconds.

I just want to create something
and then destroy it, because it was beautiful and I am not worthy.

One by one
My petals fell
And I gradually
Became a weed

My beautiful flower
That blossomed and bloomed
Wilted over the seasons
That you controlled

I thrived through spring
Flourished in the summer
Drooped in the fall
And faded into nothing in the winter

A rose full of life
Vivid with color
Became an eye sore
Amongst the other flowers

Now I am nothing
But a useless, ugly weed
Deprived of life and love
And from my only sun

4 days ago

I'm scared I'll smoke all of my cigarettes, and not have the means to afford another pack.

I'm scared I won't have enough money when something enjoyable or fun or entertaining produces itself to me.

I'm scared you'll leave me before I have finished loving you.

I'm scared you'll love me more than I am capable of loving.

I'm scared I won't make it to 22

or that my parents will die too early

or that more of the people from childhood will go away

i'm a beautifully detailed gown but i'm ripping at the seams

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