I know my head is spinning,
And I also know is that it's pissing you off.
My feelings run out of control and my mind starts collapsing.
I know my apologies sometimes isn't enough
And I know your world isn't trembling
Even if my head, my mind and my perception is.
But the thing I don't know,
is how to fix it, fix me.
So before you look at me with those judging eyes,
And before you make that annoyed sigh,
Try to see if you do know.
It's not where you come from
It's not where you've been
It's not your bad choices
Nor the guilt that flushes in
It's not the people staring
Nor the thoughts in your head
It's not the voices saying
That you're better off dead.
It's the people that's around you
The people that you know
It's the songs that's on repeat
And the poems you read alone
It's the sun rising in the morning
And it's the raindrops splashing to the ground
It's the love that which surrounds you
And the home that you have found.
They always ask me what I wanna do
Then they use the big words
"Future" and "happy", sometimes "passion".
Almost always in the same sentence.
What do I wanna do?
"Good question", I say.
Then my thoughts wander on
Mostly they go something like; I want to scream.
I want to scream my lungs out,
Scream until the air is gone,
My insides punctured,
and my breath is lost.
I know some people know partly what their answer is.
But I don't. How am I supposed to know
How am I supposed to have any idea what my future is going to look like
When my present, my today is so lost.
When I am so lost.
I have no interest in
hearing your apologizing words,
seeing your sorry eyes,
feeling your hand on my shoulder.
You had no interest in
showing me compassion,
thinking twice or
leaving your backstabbing knife alone.
So I'm leaving my poetic words at home,
there's really just two words that fit:
That we would end up like this
A giant rollercoaster that for a while only went up
I’ve never felt so high
I’ve never felt so good
This rollercoaster suddenly would turn
Everything that goes up has to come down
Every high has a come down
That one year ago
One month ago
I was in love with you
I still am
But now I’m not even your second choice
We would end up like this
Damaged, broken, fucked up
Once upon a time we were good
We were great, to be honest
It still aches,
Because I still remember.
You could not have punched me harder,
And it could not have been more painful.
The punch was strong,
I’m out of air
I’m out of hope
I’ve never fallen before,
Never for someone.
Except for you.
You knocked me to my knees,
Now I’m on the floor,
What the hell did I bargain for?
I thought I knew you,
I could not have been more wrong.
I've never felt this kind of feeling before
This kind of longing
Longing, missing something that was never meant to happen.
Never meant to be.
His arms around me,
His hands mapping my every inch,
His heartbeat in my ear.
How can something so wrong,
Feel so right.