20 October 2011

Some things are so distant, hard to get
Just like people who easily forget
All through these years, little have remained
Of beautiful memories bleached 'n' stained

Standin' b'fore the ruins of the past
Destroyed by personal desires and greedy lust
Come fallin' off the ground like a raw fruit
Too young to nourish, cannot face the truth

I can hardly recall our comings 'n' goings together
Our beginnings 'n' endings scattered somewhere
Too much pretenses, void of true feelings
We're sour grapes contemplatin' for lost things

Stayin' or leavin' doesnt matter
It's a choice I've not decided soon after
This head hurts thinkin' too much
Some things are b'yond recall as old love is such

Some love are left unresolved. Some love don't love at all. Until such time that we don't know what is love and how it is to be loved. We do not lose the feeling, we just forget it with time. Time heals all wounds, but does not erase all scars. L

19 July 2012

Don’t speak to me anymore
I don’t want to hear your voice
Those bitin' words feedin' on my soul
Unable to hate the sweet you
Your words are daggers buried in my chest
The pain is worth the risk I take

These words are hard to swallow
Poisonous, like the infamous red apple
Once again, one more time
How can it end like this?
I cannot believe
These memories become a blur
Slowly leavin', our time is dyin'

Countless promises have left me
I don’t know what to do, I die a little
Catchin' your breath, I’m blown away
Your touch is unstoppable
Like the wind beneath our wings

Coverin' my ears, I don’t wanna hear
Shuttin' my eyes, I don’t wanna see
I don’t know where we stand
There are no stars and the rain is fallin'
It’s dark, twisted and beautiful
But I’m home and coming

Home is where love is. L

18 July 2010

Three years, eleven months, thirty-eight days and nights.
Times Ive waited since we separated flights.

A lot happened in between,
forcin' us to change our lives.
Starin' at the same old wall clock,
hopin' that right time arrives.

The warm leaves fall in sentiments,
reminisced for old-time-sakes.
Tears of joy pooled the mem'ries,
all the time it takes.

Should I wear? That same old smile,
even just for awhile.
Or rather just, keep my silence,
try feelin' your carved presence.

These days kept comin' back,
all over again.
All my heart is nothin',
but a dark den of pain.

What if I never,
met you?
Or simply, I never fell
head over heels in love?

What if you only listened,
to your heart?
Could have it been me and you,
til we never part?

What if roses never wither,
never loses its red?
Its thorns never hurt,
wounds never bleed.

Three years, eleven months, thirty-eight days and nights after.
I'll wait again albeit, it takes me forever.

I wrote this with my first love in mind. Just love again and again. L

16/19 May 2014

Jane, I remember
How you took my heart away
Just like that, your words
Are pressure ‘n’ friction
Rubbed back ‘n’ forth
To beget a single spark
Set my heart on fire, burnt with d’sire
But we were young ‘n’ innocent
I thought it would pass, soon
But I was wrong

I asked myself,
When did I start writin’ letters?
And never send them.
If I did, t’was twice or thrice written
My head was happy, but my heart wasn’t
Half-heartedly tellin' you what I feel
Never lettin’ you know how much I love you
Just words: generic ‘n’ meaningless
Always sayin’ it’s not yet time

You didn’t even know
All those feelings ‘n’ gestures
Were switchin’ on ‘n’ off
Some days I would feel strongly ‘bout you
Some other, I didn’t know
Never findin’ courage to tell you
B’cause I wasn‘t sure anymore

Your smiles, always remind me
Of the sun, so warm ‘n’ raw
Decisively charmin’ ‘n’ infectious
All life glowin’, yet completely lethal
It melts my heart every time I see you smile.
I could go on like that forever.

I didn’t just picked you, I chose you
And I’m thankful to Him twice my life already
Someday, the butterfly in your finger will fly
Wherever it takes you,
I hope I’m the one you remember
I feel light ‘n’ happy to be able share to you
Like the first time, I’ve atoned for my sins

I blew up a lot of chances
But you always come around
When I almost lost you
I just accepted the fact
That this, this will ne’er gonna happen
Not in this lifetime.

But here comes the universe
And surprisingly conspires with me again
I had so little time to tell you this
And so many times that I wanted to
But my mouth will not cooperate.
I lose my thoughts.
I get cold feet.
I can’t catch my breath.
So I changed my mind every time
I come near you

I would’ve wanted to explain myself
But I didn’t get an openin’ to do so
And I didn’t know where to start.
B’cause if I did,
You will know the storms inside me
And if I crossed the line,
I knew there was no comin' back.
I was not prepared to lose you

I played the game
Of spillin' clues ‘n’ gut-feels,
But it didn’t work out, right?
That feelin' when you like
Someone so much that you think
And overthink how to tell her
And how anxious you are
That she may not feel
The same way about you.
All this time and in between,
I was just too scared to do that
My insecurities eat me again

Walk to the town ‘n’ out of the blue,
We have no more words to say
The silence was awkward,
I wanted to grab your hand ‘n’ hold it,
So we don’t have to talk much.
But I guess, it would’ve been worse
I don’t know why you do that to me.
I have a lot in my mind to say,
But I cannot speak.  
Thank you for keepin’ me company.

I’m sorry if it took me so long
To say all these bottled-up feelings.  
It’s been runnin’ in circles around me
And now I want to resolve them.
I want to make peace with myself.
But I have not acted upon it.
I always did calculated moves
Held back my thoughts before you
I didn’t want to lose,
Before I get even started

I cannot assure myself this, yet now I can.
With all the ups ‘n’ downs I’ve been through,
Pain is no different already.
I am no longer afraid
To the thought of gettin’ hurt
I love you and I’ll be—
Hurtin' for that, forever.

All the poems I wrote you
We’re not even close as half
To what I want you to read
I have written so much
That I’ve been dyin' for the day
You can finally read them
I wonder if it will ever come

These feelings could've gone
All the way forever without you knowin’
But, you were ignorin’ me.
I don’t know why.
I think of you all the time.
I had this emotional baggage
For the longest time now
And at some point, I knew,
It would snap.
I had to release them.
I tried so much to contain them
B’cause I value everythin’ that we have now,
Our relationship with each other.
I am happy that we are friends
I’m very lucky to have met
Someone like you.
But, I just have to let it go somehow.

You’re like a best-sellin’ book
Or a dandy set of clothes
That I can be contented
Just watchin’ from the outside.
But with that glass in between,
I will not know how good that book is—
Or if those clothes will fit me nicely.
I have to read it or fit it.
I believe there’s so much more
That I have to know about you
And that girl outside the glass
Is so much more inside.

You tormented me, Jane
Into summer blues and,
Cold ‘n’ lonely rainy nights
Listenin’ to the mixed tape I gave you
Lookin’ at the picture of you
In a painting I draw
But you didn’t see me
The sunglasses covered your eyes
I don’t know if you chose to
But this is the price, I have to pay
For not tellin’ you, the truth
But now, I did.

I just want to say sorry
All these feelings long bottled-up
Have escaped completely from me
I have to hold myself back
Never wantin’ you to hold on
To whatever that has to do with me

Maybe, I can go on and one day
I will be over you
Everythin’ in its proper places
I have loved you for five years
But for now, it’s time
For me, to stop countin’
All of the stars or sheep
I’ll watch them from here
Who knows, maybe it’s still you
At the end of the universe

Forgive me for the length. Some stories cannot be contained. Love again, L.

23 May 2010

I see you go, walked away from me
Plead everythin' down on my knee
I can't stop you, pull you around
I try to catch, but I'm held on the ground

You ran away, like these tears would fall
Helpless as I rewrite our mem'ries in your wall
Blowin' up the sands of time for what it has done
Lookin' through the old places we've gone

I look at you b'yond my eyes could see
How can my love be trapped? Can't set it free
Now that I'm down to my very last shot
Just don't know if I can make it or not

I'd like to stay in your eyes
But you step back, threw a look cold as ice
I cried cos these tears in your eyes
Never had or will ever suffice

08 July 2010

The dark azure sky trembled from afar
The rain seems to fall leavin' a scar
Why now? When loves dead 'n' gone
What else would make things done?

It pains me much. What should I do?
To make this feeling stop 'n' go
One day, the blames on me
For I never waited and see

Feelings, unless we kill these
We can't go on, life's never at ease
I'll say goodbye even for a while
Just for a while, without your smile

No need of bittersweet words to excuse
Whether I understood or not, or I'm confused
I win or lose that all will be my luck
And we cant bring those used-to-haves back

There's no reason for me to stay
For you wanted to dream and run away
Cos I feel, I'm cold as frost in the stars
Someday, love will leave cold 'n' blue scars

12 August 2013

I remember my first love
Like how I remember my name
My name written next to hers
Or like a chorus to the song
We used to sing together

I remember her face
Every time I look in the mirror
As if she stares through my eyes
When our gazes used to meet in the air
Or how we withdraw from each other

Some things are constant reminders
Of what our years had been
And we know, we are wiser this time
Love is no longer a game,
Played by two people in love
But a serious commitment
With all honesty 'n' devotion

We have learnt from those mistakes
Swore to never repeat them
It pains to feel it
It hurts to remember again

All the fun 'n' excitement flew like balloons
Short-lived, yet it brought us happiness
Sweet as a cone of ice cream
Meltin' under the summer heat

There’s nothin' like first love
And everythin' that we used to have
We always remember, we don’t forget
But we no longer, feel the same
Time obscured the mem’ry with smoke
Forgotten like ashes, of a dyin' cigarette

Briefly inspired by Yiruma's First Love. L

November 2007

If only I have felt this before
My life would be worth livin' for
Tranquility kills me slowly
Yet I keep on movin’ silently

If only I have been strong
This won’t take long
I know I’m not that brave
To leave diaries on the grave

If only I have saved you
Anythin' between us will do
If only I knew my worth
You must been here back 'n' forth

If only I have taken one step away
I might have been with you until this day
I found myself goin' back to you
Cos I have fallen for you too

If only the rain has come again
Bathed my fears to regain
Told me what to do
Begged me to stay, not to let go

If only I thought, things would be the same
People I thought safe to play with
It was just indeed worth everything
If only I have done something

*for my very first muse-- who inspired me a lot to write what I feel

13 November 2012

I needed a break to figure out,
Everythin’ moves in a roundabout.
I don’t know what I did now,
It's just easy for you to leave somehow.

The words you said, how cruel those were
I can’t believe; I’m hearin' it up here.
I’m tryin' to be okay, to be alright
But real emotions stay to mix 'n' fight.

Never thought it hurts so bad,
I can’t get over you even if I had.
You’re givin' me a broken heart,
After all we’ve been through apart.

I always thought— you’d be the one
But baby, now you’re gone.
I’m gettin’ weak ‘n’ wicked too
My heart is constantly dying for you

It’s not what that doesn’t kill me,
That makes me stronger at all.
It’s your love against all odds,
But there’s no longer a love like that.

13 November 2012

Said you’d never leave me,
Whilst lookin’ at the horizon we can’t see.
Still— I believe your words fairly
As you’ve spoken it to me clearly

Here we are standin’ in front of each other
Oblivious, we only make things harder
You’ve packed your bags, spared nothin’
Just like that, you robbed me of everythin’

I can’t fully stand to this setup,
Feels like this love wasn’t enough
We’ve suffered in silence for long,
Now it’s time to rewind the song

But this last kiss you blow,
Like a gust of wind, I need to let go.
No matter how I wanted you to stay,
Just like water, you’ll find a way.

At the station, waitin’ for your train
Feels like winter in November rain
Change is hard, but we gotta learn
As wood on fire will surely burn

 
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