i try to keep myself humble at all times. Although my insecurities eat me alive some times. i could have all the confidence in the world and have it drain instantly at the sight of someone/something.
I try to remind myself that everything i ever wanted could be taken away by a cute lightskin nigga with a fade
I try to remind myself about how my girl and i even came. That it very well could happen to me. How easily a cute white girl came and took someones world away from them and claimed it as theirs.
I try to remind myself that no matter how good things are, it could disappear because the cutest white boy could easily steal my sunshine.
I try to remind myself that all i was was a side piece until i smooth talked my way into her heart and put stars in her sky when she asked me why i wanted her.
i try to remind myself that any cute lightskin nigga with a fade can do the same.
Any cute white girl can take my place.
and even the cutest white boy can be her new saving grace.
I still try to hide behind a false happy and act unbothered like my mind doesnt wander back to the hell i kept myself in in the past years. that cute white boy was me at one point. that cute white girl was me at one point. That cute lightskin nigga with a fade started all this shit inside me about the insecurities i posses and why ill never feel secure in a relationship.
I try to remind myself to never let my wall down. How i took from them, they can take from me. I don't see myself as much and that's why i am so guarded cause i feel as though it will happen. That cute white boy came through the drive thru to tell you what i tell you hourly and you felt the need to let me know in those words. I know you're beautiful. The world knows it too. i just want to be the only beautiful and cute to you.
Surrounded by a bunch of fake friends, claiming
"We don't talk like we used to anymore,"
Passing blame like cigarettes,
And stifling the urge to choke:
Strong men. Even the sponge of our lungs is hardened
Stainless steel because no broken promises
Are gonna mar the way we breathe,
Fuck panic attacks; just contain it 'til we implode
Volcanoes collapsing in on themselves,
Chests crumbling, collapsing, converted into ash
Blood turned lava, thick like the way we all used to be
(Thick as thieves, thick as thieves)
And hot as the temper that erupts in me
Every time you fog my head with morphine,
Numb the pain your lies have caused me
Have me lie back and swallow down pills
Am I supposed to just take what you've given me
And ignore what you've taken from me?
Thick as thieves, thick as thieves:
Why'd you steal from me?
after some time
and some distance
it's safe to say that
i love you
like a best friend,
and i can't describe
the relief that brings me.
doesn't feel so painful,
and i breathe
so much easier
now that i know
i'll never have to write
another heartbroken word about you
god, i love you still,
i really, really do;
but it's so much easier now,
not struggling to swim
through raging waves
under the weight of
expectations and assumptions,
hesitation and guilt
it's so much easier
to be in love with you
with almost none of the romance
that went with it before,
and i really hope that
you're okay with that,
because you promised me:
"you're enough", you said.
and it took every ounce of courage
from the marrow of these aching bones
to trust you,
to believe you,
to dare to allow that someone―
could love me
i asked you;
"don't you trust me?"
i looked at you:
transparent, always a bad liar,
to the point where
it becomes enraging;
your lies mounting―
i looked at your sullen face,
felt myself grow bitter
"didn't our love once taste sweeter?"
i asked again;
you lied again.
"when did you regress?"
"when did we regress?"
it felt like
twelve steps forward, thirteen back.
maybe we're just meant to be
Some may say I'm lonely - but they don't have a clue.
I have the best friend there could possibly be.
I may not be able to see him, but why should that matter?
I know that I can trust him - he won't tell a soul.
Not like "real people" who lie, cheat and snitch on you.
My friend may be nameless, but he is always here for me.
Not like you.
You come and go as you please; you hurt me and betray me.
You say "I'm just a phone call away."
Yet when I call, you never pick up.
He is always there - just a thought away;
He never lies;
Do you honestly blame me for having "trust issues"?
Well, that's your problem.
I thought i was the villain you told everyone i was.
It turns out you were the villian all this time.
After you there was always doubt.
I wouldn't take a leap of faith unless i knew it was safe.
From the start you made me believe in magic.
You made me believe i was worth all the love.
You made me believe i was worth the risk.
But funny how you're the same reason why i no longer believe.
You're the reason i don't believe anymore.
If I could lock this all up in a bottle
Fill it with stones, I'd throw it into the water
And watch it as it drowns
All my sorrows, all the pain
Along with the disasters and too many betrayals;
From those that I loved most,
Or so I thought,
But it turned out they weren't themselves at all.
It doesn't sting it just tears
Everything completely apart.
As for the last, I had already learned why not to trust
But still you have to trust someone even though you know not,
Because that's just the way that the world has to turn.
You still believe a few,
However you believed them all when they were false.
But you have to put faith somewhere so you do,
Yet you're still terrified these as well aren't true.
If only it were a foolish boy
Then life would live on and it wouldn't matter,
Because anyway it's to be expected:
That guys will break girls hearts.
No, if only, but no
Instead they're your best friends.
Except they're not,
Everyone's just fake now.
There's no realists anymore.
If I could wash away the deceitfulness they gave,
Maybe someway a wound could heal.
But it can't 'cause it's too deep
And infected with grief of those you thought existed;
Instead everyone is just misleading and manipulative.
The worst thing because you could never see it coming,
Until it crushes you to near death.
Betrayal at its best.
Fakers at their worse depth to the innocent.
There is never an end
My life is composed of things I didn't ask for,
it has been overtaken by tears, sadness, and blades.
I don't know how this monstrous disease took over, it just did.
It was fine one day and the next- wiped from my memory.
I wish I could figure it out but
all I know is I am closed up tight like a shoe box filled with memories-
I am here, but I am stuffed away, ignored, and overlooked.
You ask why I have these issues and I can't tell you for fear of rejection
so I tear my skin open just to acquire the feeling of being alive
and I don't dare tell someone for they will say I am weak and pathetic.