Working from home on my computer and taking phone calls from the public for a living
My office had me rostered to do the phones in the morning from 9.30 onwards
So I set my alarm clock for 10 to 9 to give me enough time to get up and get things ready,
But that night, for some reason, that night I just could not get to sleep
Wasn't that I was worried about anything, it's just sometimes I find it hard to sleep
Well, I tossed and I turned, I tried everything..., I counted sheep,  tried to hypnotize myself,
Finally I got up and made myself a large herbal tea sleep drink, used two tea bags double strength
Even took a tablet afterwards and even then... I still couldn't sleep
Finally... finally I do drop off but it's like I've only been sleeping like for two hours
And then the **** alarm clock goes off
And now it's morning and I really am tired and it's ****** freezing in my room
And I'm lovely and warm and snug in my bed,
So I say to my alarm clock "Aww give me another 5 minutes will ya!"
(And I still don't know how to use the snooze function on my alarm clock)
So I close my eyes and of course, in no time I've dropped off again
And I get this dream...
I dream I'm walking along this path
And there's these three big guys walking in front of me
It's like a father in the middle and his two big strapping sons either side of him,
But their walking kinda slow whereas I'm walking fast
So I pass them out and I say "hello" just as I'm passing, just to be friendly
Then as I'm walking ahead of them I can hear them making these snide little comments about me behind my back
'Well that's not very nice' I think to myself
Then the next thing I know, suddenly there's this big arm around my throat strangling me
And I hear them saying "Let's **** this ******!"
And I'm thinking "What!!! What the ****! these feckers their... their trying to **** me, what am I going to do!!!
Then I think, "This is serious! My life is on the line here, It's **** or be killed, you gotta do something, you gotta fight back
(Now I ain't no fighter)"
So I'm there wriggling around, punching and kicking wildly, trying desperately to break free, fighting for my life apparently
But what becomes evident pretty quickly is that these guys they don't appear to be very good fighters either
'Cos suddenly I find myself on top of the father guy
And I've got both my hands around his throat and I'm choking, I'm strangling him now
But of course, I've never killed anyone before
So I don't know what the hell I'm doing
I'm there thinking, how do you choke...how do you strangle someone
I wonder am I doing this right, Ugh! It's not very nice, it's pretty gruesome, his face is going all red, he doesn't look too happy, does he ?
And then I'm also wondering where's them other two feckers gone?"
Then I think "I don't like this, maybe there's a better way... maybe I should... maybe I should kick him in the head instead, that might be quicker, that might be better,
But then I think "Well that's not very nice either, kicking someone in the head, I wouldn't like someone kicking me in the head..."
Anyway suddenly then I wake up out of all this craziness
And I look at my clock and it's like 9.25
"****!!!", I say, "I'm supposed to be on the phones in 5 minutes!!!
So I get up in my pyjamas, rush to my computer room, hurriedly put in all the plugs and switch all the switches on
I know it's gonna take at least 7 or 8 minutes before the broadband/ WiFi comes on
So I'm never gonna make 9.30
I switch on my computer and my work phone
And put my pants on while I'm waiting for the WiFi
When it comes on I gotta log in and put in the passwords and then open up all the programs
So in all it's about 9.45 before I'm all set to go
But then of course my phone rings rather ominously and it's my Boss on the other end of the line and he doesn't sound very pleased
"Are you not on the phones!" he says, "the Phone Manager just rang me and said there's no one from our Unit manning the phones, you were rostered to be on the phones this morning"
So I say to him, "Look!!! They were trying to **** me Man, there was three of them in it
It was touch and go there for awhile,
I mean what could I do, it was **** or be killed, I had to fight 'em!"
"What are you talking about?", asks my Boss totally confused
"Nightmares man!! I was having a nightmare,  They were trying to **** me so I had to try and **** them back, What was I gonna do
I don't normally **** someone this early in the morning"
(Then I added) "Lucky I don't have a partner or I'd be up for ******".

Funny thing was the experience of fighting for my life in the dream
It seemed to carry me through the whole morning, even the day
I strangely didn't give a hoot about the phone calls coming in and what they might be asking me
The job it just seemed completely unreal compared to the experience I'd just had fighting for my life in the dream
And y'know it was good... so good to find that I was still alive... and back here again in the world.

My suicide felt like an escape,
waking up felt like a sentence.

Married to death in words only,
falling asleep felt conjugal.

Night visits,
brief moments of peace,
before being thrown into
the deep end.

Death had grown me in captivity,
making me forget how to survive.

I had become dependent
on death's solace.

I sobered myself to reality,
death's sweetness
oscillated in ways
too unpredictable
for comfort.

Life treats me better
than death ever did.

Although there are moments,
where I wish to return into the blankness of death,
into the carelessness of nothing.

I remember how far I've come,
and how proud I would be,
to look into the future and see,

that I love life.

Girl who survived
Went through dark days alone
She had lonely times to live
Scared to each her bone

Never expected this would come
Pray to God each day to survive
Take care of her soul in dark
Appreciate each day to be alive

Someone once told me,
I will never be good enough,
I am the worst,
I ruined them.

And I taught myself the other way round.

When you wish for an end,
Always remember there are people out there faced worst,
And they survived.

When you wish to give up,
Always remember why you started in the first place,
And made up your mind.

When people stepped on you,
Always remember to be strong,
And moved on.

Yes,
You will drown in the midst of darkness,
But you will also live in the midst of light.
Even for a few seconds.

Find and remember that few seconds,
And always remember to live for yourself.

Because,
It's your life you live,
Not theirs.

That's why it's okay if no one understands.

Here's an ode to make us laugh,
Boomers resilient to the last,
Survived high school in  the sixties,
Where we learnt cookery,
Girls did not have *****,
Couldn't do woodwork, over it!
Instead, made a pudding of suet,
Fat, fat, fat, eating to rue it!

Afterwards I started feeling
like I am a human
being again.

That's what this place did to me
it brought back my human
in the reflection of the hills,
the lakes, the trees,

but doing nothing to fade the ink.
No one told me that I had been liberated,
I had lost my knowledge.

So I ran free to find my voice last heard
before the years lived with the lasting dead,
the years sat with the lasting hunger,

but I had everything, I had paradise. So I ran -
taking my time to reclaim my body for the hungry,
taking my time to reclaim my voice for the silent.

I stopped living through and started living slowly.
I slept and ate and grew into our new normality,
together again alone.

Running not marching
Breathing not moaning
Swimming not dying
Living not surviving

and my voice lived to tell.
This is where I belong - not alone.