I went home today, straight after work
Because your curtains were closed
And although I didn't struggle with the quirk
Of thinking "But maybe..." (not really), hosed
Down with sobriety, I wondered at the darkness,
The loneliness, the determination (nose to grindstone,
Nose to grindstone), and with less than sharpness
I went home, nearly straight after work, and left you alone
And I left memories of another girl somewhere -
Possibly in your curtains - but you wouldn't care
To know that I no longer think, "I couldn't look him in the face" -
I now ask if I will be able to look at myself, in no one's place.

All those times I’ve tried
Thinking that I’ve tried to hard or too little
To please the people in my life I consider important

There is a thin line for what is too wrong or too right for the soul
That invisible veil blended into the atmosphere

I’ve done it multiple times
Felt as if I’ve given my all and still fell short to everyone else

They couldn’t read my mind though
They didn’t know what they were putting me through
Only I knew what was inside
A black canvas with words scratched into it
Self doubt
Insecurities
And pain
They made me feel like a failure
And since I’ve failed...what next?
What do I do now?

Anger
It was all I felt
Not towards anyone but towards myself
How stupid could I be to go through so much and follow the same path again
Why did I still care about the opinion of people
My tears were  proof of self torture

A gloomy cloud frequently hanged over my head
It showered me in black thoughts
Soaked me in dangerous emotions
They weighed me down with what if questions

I knew I would be fine though
To end all of the turmoil I thought of a temporary fix
One solution
It was that little white bottle filled with little white pills
I found great relief in the form of deep self medicated sleep

But I promise you now I’m doing much better
I do consider what people think
But I don’t allow those opinions to rule me
I am my own person
And I may fall short sometimes but nobody is perfect
And I’m perfectly fine with that
Because in the end nobody’s got me like I got me

I am starting afresh, starting new,
not with the many, only with a few.
I left behind what did not grow,
held the door open, asked them to go.

For this year, my head is very clear,
who doesn't uplift you, really ain't your dear.
For this year, my heart is very aligned,
who is not kind, really ain't worth your time.


-Paras Bajaj #PoetrybyParas
Instagram : @mr.parasbajaj

how can i have peace of mind,
when i can’t help but feel like there are
missing pieces of my mind?

i gasp for air and realize I’m no longer whole, feeling the winds of regret
through and through.
my lungs feel as weak as the
late November leaves
that are left behind
during the changing of seasons.

i am reminded of the times i gave
the worst people
the best parts of me.
words they didn’t deserve to hear,
skin they didn’t deserve to touch.

i can’t turn back into my old self,
but in its absence,
i felt presence.

recognizing that
i was once just a flame,
but now i want nothing less
than to be a forest fire.

Unseen, unheard, invisible.
Sad, alone, miserable.
Too late I have realised - these are just words.
It is time I break my bounds,
step into shoes that fit,
Thank you to those my world who have lit.
No more scared or scarred,
ready for a new dawn, my positivity unbarred.