I suppose I should be happy,
My God gave me a blessing by taking away my blessing,
The blessing I was so confused about.
My dear, my precious Firdous.

I suppose I must be happy,
Every inch of my brain is telling me to be happy,
But why is there a ringing in my ears;
And so much weight on my chest,
It's so **** aggravating.

I suppose I could be happy, except that I;
I demand silence,
I demand peace,
I demand anything but to feel like this-
Worthless, insignificant, trash.

I suppose I am happy,
To be the puppet of a universe filled with
So much standard anomalies...
That the universe did not curse me to ****** my own kin...
that I didn't curse my precious with a life...

Oh the little things we tell ourselves to make it easier to live for another day,
Oh but I suppose, I suppose its necessary.
It's **** necessary.

Goodbye my precious. ♡

-fir.m

I try not to cry and tear up about it,
It's not that easy,
I keep my emotions hidden away,
Nobody can begin to understand my pain,
You think you know but you don't know,
I will never trust in you,
My trust for you has faded.

The best thing you could've gave me is gone,
Felt like it was taken from me,
There's a bigger purpose,
God has a reasoning for everything he does,
I'm starting to realize the reasoning,
It wasn't meant for you to be born yet,
This wasn't the right setting,
No matter what you were still a blessing.

I will always remember the small we had,
It will never be forgotten,
The time we had was small but precious,
It was a beautiful  we shared,
I carry you with each and everyday,
Tear up every time i think of you.

I wish you never left me,
You meant so much to me,
You were a blessing and a gift,
That moment we shared can never be replaced,
I can see you in up there,
You will always be a part of me.

When my angel died and went to heaven,
A piece of me died,
If i ever lose my mama I'll be gone for good,
My mama is my heart,
My angel was my better half,
A child is all i have ever wanted,
She can never be replaced,
Even when i have a child one day,
She can never be replaced,
She's irreplaceable.

My baby girl brought me joy,
Baby girl gave me peace,
Baby girl was a gift from heaven,
She was so beautiful and precious,
Each moment was so precious,
God blessed us with a blessing.

I still carry her in my heart,
I can't forget about her and never will,
Baby girl you will forever be remembered,
Was her for a short amount of time,
But in that small time it was beautiful,
I miss you my baby.

Excitement pumped throughout my palms.
Sitting on the table,
I waited for a sign from you.
Hope lingered,
if only I would have known.

There was so much to look forward to
in this little room.
So many dreams to be had
by this small existence.
Only time would tell.

We held our breath
to hear our future.
Tears and anger followed.
There was no sign.
No sound.
No beat.
No life.

I’ll never forget the defeat
the denial
the devastation
the death.
You had barely just begun.
Now you will never be.

I felt it was my fault.
I could have done better.
I could have dreamed bigger.
I could have wished harder.
I could have…
done nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

I think about you often.
What would you look like?
What would you become?
Do you think of me too?
I’d like to think we’d be friends,
past the titles we were originally given,
but it will never be.

You left me that day.
It wasn’t your fault,
but I weep every year.
Understanding has never come.
My heart holds you still,
my joy.

This was very unexpected,
The pain is a pain I've never felt,
There's nothing easy about losing a child,
The moment I found out,
I was drowning in tears,
I've wanted a child since I was young,
I don't question his doings,
I just take it as a lesson as well as a blessing,
God has something bigger in store for us,

This broke my heart deeper than you can imagine,
I felt like my heart was taken out my chest,
My heart stopped for a moment,
I'm trying my best to keep it together,
But truth be told it ain't easy,
The holy spirit is what's keeping me sane,
Without my faith I'll go insane,
Outside I look good but inside I'm in pain,

There's no one to blame,
Life will never be the same,
Me and my wife went through this together,
We will get through this together,
One day we will try again but not anytime soon,
My pain so deep you can't see it,
Keep my emotions inside,

God gives his toughest battles,
To his strongest soldiers,
So the battle hasn't began to begin,
It's far from over,
We are soliders so will fight to end,
Children are in our future.

I wanted you to be real
I wanted you to be real
Like a fire on a cold evening

Glowing, a spark
For a moment
A short second here,
Now a while gone

I feel the emptiness inside me
Like you’ve taken my fire too
Frozen in my chest
I’m not ready to let go

Little thing I love
Little heart I loved
Like a butterfly’s wings,
Delicate,
one day we’ll meet again

I was wondering along the cemetery my family is buried in.
My mom told my a few headstones down from my grandparents was a baby girl who died at one month and one day old. Named Rebecca. My heart stopped.
I thought of you.
My “freshman year of college” when we fell in love.
At the time we weren’t together, you loved Heather why should I have told you?
I was pregnant the first Christmas we faught, yelling in a target parking lot. I begged you to love me and you left me in the snow crying.
I wasn’t going to tell you.
At New Years you came to meet me- but it wasn’t me you wanted. You told me you loved me so you could **** me and leave me before midnight.
I remember kissing one of my best friends instead that night at midnight.
I told her that I thought I was pregnant. She kissed me and told me it would be okay.
I never got to meet you, I only got the greeting of your demise.
But I always felt you were a girl.
I was right with my instinct when I found out about your brother.
I just hope my little girl wherever you are, you are safe and happy. I asked Rebecca to stick around, I told her it’s okay if she wanted to follow me too.